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 Who is likely to molest your child? February 22, 2005 10:40 AM

I found this valuable info on the net and wanted to share it with you all, it is an article written by Dr. Edward Watke Jr.  Click on the link to read it in pdf form in its entirety.  I will put a few points from the article below.

http://www.watke.org/resources/Dealing_Child%20Sexual%20Abuse.pdf

-------------------------------------

We are told that these "red flag" signals may be signs of sexual abuse:

1 . fearfulness, extreme reclusiveness, or non-responsiveness to peer interactions;

2 . physical and/or emotional difficulties or complaints, such as night mares,

phobias, stomach pains, venereal infections, etc.;

3 . violent or highly aggressive behavioral responses;

4 . low self worth and low self image. The person has a hatred of self, and possibly

feels very unclean, undesired, and unwanted;

5 . vacillation between being pseudo-adult and ultra-immature in actions and

reactions;

6 . regressive behaviors (thumb-sucking, clinging, infantile posture, baby talk);

7 . bedwetting which is not an organic or developmental problem. (Sheldon, 1984)

Caution: These signs are not necessarily caused by sexual abuse.

-------------------------------------

GENERAL INFORMATION REPORTED:

problems.)

(From those who work with such

A. How to spot the molester or offender!

1 . He:

• is a man you and your children trust, often a relative

• 90% are not in jail

• has completed one or more years of college, (often excellers)

• holds a job

• often is well respected

• was not molested as child -- .40% of boy molesters were

.24% of girls molesters were

• may have many normal interests, seems very normal in every way

2 . He usually positions himself to get time alone with children.

(Or he abuses opportunities he naturally has; may be a camp counselor,

teacher, scout leader, etc. Check out history of those who work with

children.)

3 . He usually not show any antisocial behavior.

4 . He is rarely caught unless the child tells.

5 . Check out history of those who are hired, who work with children in any

way whatsoever.

---------------------------

Watch for the molester’s procedures:

1 . Has excessive amounts of time spent with the child or youth.

2 . Seeks opportunities for himself (in camp, a coach, etc.)

3 . Manufactures excuses for extra time with the person.

4 . Abuses privacy ("skinny dipping," physical contact, traveling, etc.)

5 . Hunts for the vulnerable:

• family in financial distress and need

• broken family, one parent family, father ill or gone, etc.

---------------------

If you have reason to suspect:

1 . First, assure the person that no matter what anyone has told them, You love

them and will and can protect them and yourself.

2 . DO NOT first ask about inappropriate touching.

(Note if these things are true.)  [ send green star]
 
Abuse February 22, 2005 11:29 AM

As a parent..and a single mother..these are things I have looked into. As a result I am probably overprotective..she'll get over it! LOL I don't date for this reason alone...it can wait until my daughter is old enough to know that any abuse towards her is unacceptable and that she can come to me..and I WILL protect her. I do want to say though that it is very important if you believe your child has been molested to find professional help immediately..BEFORE you start asking them a lot of questions..The reasons for this are: 1) you don't want to mess with any testimony (and/or evidence) your child might have to give to bring this predator to justice. Police and other officials are not likely to take your child's word for what happened if they think there has been outside influence in the child's memories of events..sad but true. 2) Sexual assault is insidious..and the emotional damage complicated..sometimes your emotions (which may be too powerful for a frightened child) will traumatize the child even more. Professional counsellors trained in this area can help both you and your child deal with the feelings and learn to relate in a way that is beneficial and healing. Call your local rape & sexual assault hotline..make sure they have someone who has experience working with children. They can also do a physical exam and gather evidence if you decide to go to court. Peace!  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Bravo Ravenstar! February 23, 2005 6:11 PM

Hi!  Glad to see you!  I give you much deserved respect for waiting on dating until your daughter is older!  Too many women fail to see just how much they are putting themselves and children at risk by dating as a single/divorced mom.  I had an abusive step-dad: physically, mentally and emotionally, so I can speak from experience in saying that she, and we would have been better off alone!

I am also very wary of men who take an interest in my children, whether they are my husband's friends, or my brother's friends, even strangers on transit or walking around the mall.

On more than one occassion, I have been told by men I encounter on transit, that I should keep my daughter safe, and other such utterances.  I wonder if these men are pedophiles who are trying to warn me that my daughter is 'appealing' (yuck!) to them in some way, or I wonder if they had a child who was a victim of a crime, and are just trying to tell me to treasure my child. 

One time, a man started talking to me as I was waiting with my daughter for the bus, and I was polite but not engaging.  Anyway, he deliberately found a way to sit next to us on the bus, and he kept trying to talk to my daughter, who was only 2 1/2 at the time.  I was growing more and more agitated, and I think he sensed that and got off the bus finally.  But I was about to get off myself just to get away from him and his vibe. 

In any case, I agree with you Ravenstar and say you can't be too careful, and it is just a good idea in general not to let your kids be alone with an adult male--if it can be helped--because you can NEVER EVER REALLY KNOW, who is safe and who is not.

 [ send green star]
 
Oh man February 24, 2005 12:34 PM

I was in an abusive relationship (very) years ago..and my antenna is on overload..hypervigilant you might say. I can spot a violent person a mile away, even if he looks and sounds like the sweetest guy.. and I do the same thing when I feel my daughter is getting undue attention. I will even position myself between the man and my daughter and look right at him (with a serious challenge in my eyes probably) There was one man sitting on a bench once at the local park..none of the kids were his..what's he doing there? I made him feel pretty uncomfortable and he left. You NEVER know. Intuition is invaluable..maybe that's why it's more developed in women..it's a survival skill. My kid is real friendly..too friendly, but I don't want her to be scared all the time either. So I am teaching her to trust her gut feelings..that whenever she feels "funny in the tummy" she needs to get away fom the situation..no matter who it is. Of course I am ridiculously overprotective and she is rarely out of my sight..it makes parenting more work, but no one said it was going to be easy. Trusting babysitters is even hard..and I haven't had one in about a year (thank goodness for my mom!) My kid is going to hate me for it when she's 13 ! I think it is sad when a woman needs to have a man around to bolster her own self-image or to pay bills to the point that she endangers her children..and unfortunately there are also those who are willing to sacrifice their kids for some jerk..maybe they are afraid to be alone? Or haven't yet figured out that they can make it financially on their own..or, I don't know. It's actually been good for me to let that desire for a relationship go..I've become a more whole person..and a better mom I think. Plus it's great to wear sweats all the time at home, eat spagetti on the couch and forget to shave my legs once in a while and who cares! Peace! RavenStar  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 March 20, 2006 9:52 AM

Statistics show that 40% are sexually abused by FAMILY, 50% are sexually abused by acquaintence. Doctors. teachers, clergy, coaches, neighbors and more. 10% are sexaully abused by strangers...most of these end in murder.  The strangers do not have a shield of trust as the other perpetrators depend on to get away with these crimes.  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 January 31, 2008 11:45 PM

I have two children a boy 8 and a girl 4 my son is severly disabled mentally and phisically my daughter is "normal

'. My daughter was molested at her fathers house by her step-brother 10 years her senior 6 months ago. I have taken every step I can to prevent it from happening again. Suppervised visitation and counciling for my daughter. I still have no trust in her bio-logical father. he and his wife were found to be under the influence of many drugs at the time, he was charged with 1st degree man slaughter for a drunk driving incident earlier the same year. I dont trust anyone anymore. My current husband has raised her since she was 4 months old, but the fear of this happening agian is so freash that I watch everyone around her. I know my current husband would never hurt her, The fact that this happened the first time was so hard on the both of us. I watch the most innocent hugs and kisses as if they could be wrong. I dont know how to trust anyone anymore it was her own father to drugged out that let this happen to her in the first place. i should mention 3 months earlier she said he had touched her and after a disscoussion with her father he led me to think it was a misunderstsnding but he knew at thet time this older boy was molesting my baby and did not inform me and let it continue. My daughter is afraid of all boys around that age. 13 plus. How do i let her know not everyone will hurt her, but if they do to tell mama right away. I dont leave her alone with anyone but my husband and he is the same. She is hurt and I dont know how to handle it?

 [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 February 01, 2008 7:35 AM

that article is ok but it does not really mention that children who are molested are very often molested by their father or stepfathers (this would include foster fathers and mother's boyfriends)

occassionally a woman molests her child but it is rare.  However women have recently been found to be prostituting their children and even holding the kids down for others to rape the children. 

If one suspects a child is being abuse please reports your suspicions.

Years ago, I recall a girl of 12 -13 had a reputation of being promiscus.  No one did anything.  In reality, looking back, she was an abuse victims and many knew it but did nothing but consider her bad.  tragic.  Hopefully we know better today and would report when we suspect some child is being sexually used.



This post was modified from its original form on 01 Feb, 7:37  [ send green star]  [ accepted]

 
anonymous  February 04, 2008 8:36 PM

Brandy O. If your daughter is not already in counseling put her in counseling, I was molested by my mothers boyfriend for a few years and my mom saw and did nothing, now I have 2 daughter of my own and I still trust no one and sadly you cannot trust anyone. I am still somewhat affected,if my father in law or any man tells me my girls r beautiful I become angry. I wish u all the luck may God Bless your daughter and may Jesus give her strength. What you are doing and saying to her are good and the first steps to healing.  This is a sick world and its only getting sicker.God Bless and I am sorry for what happened my heart goes out to u and your baby.  [report anonymous abuse]  [ accepted]
 
Promiscuity in a child February 05, 2008 6:05 PM

Children do not develop promiscuity unless it is somehow groomed or a learned behavior. Period. My heart goes out to that kid, and I hope also that those who have experienced childhood sexual abuse will not only seek counselling, but will also help others who are in the same position.

I don't know what else to say at this point in time, but I have decided to share excerpts of this post on another site: I hope nobody minds...

Thanks goes out to each of you.

 [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 February 05, 2008 7:43 PM

All abuse of a child is a horrible injustice.

All you said was true, in the articles and your experiences. I also would add from my experience as a child a few more.

1 - that women do not molest
2 - that women are not pedophiles.

Both social myths that made my life a personal living hell as a child, and as man.
I read this thread with a tear in one eye and rage in the other.

Darrell
 [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Darrell February 06, 2008 8:43 AM

You raise a valid point, and my heart goes out to you. Child abuse is not and has never been about affection - it is about control of a living, breathing, innocent life. My heart goes out to you for what must have been hell for you to have experienced - doubly so for the specifics of your situation.

Here's to hoping that someday we, together, can put an end to childhood abuse.

 [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
anonymous  February 06, 2008 10:23 AM

 was not molested as child -- .40% of boy molesters were

.24% of girls molesters were   This was an alert to me. I thought most molesters male or female were molested as children. Maybe 70% or more at least. Very surprised over that.

 [report anonymous abuse]  [ accepted]
 
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