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8 years ago

I couldn’t have any more respect for you guys if I tried.  Thank you both so very much. 

No it certainly isn’t the easiest thing to do when it comes to spilling your guts but it is the most healing. 

It took over 40 years for me to admit the abuse I underwent as a child and from my own brother no less.  Mom and Dad never knew but then again they never understood the choices I’ve made in life because of it either. 

Pam, Jakii is right you have to reach way deep to pull it out, but I can guarantee that the sooner you do and the more you are willing to share the better you will feel about your self.  Not to mention by sharing you are better able to help others in the same emotional if not physical turmoil.  To put it point blank; you don’t necessarily need to be sitting on the

psychiatrist's couch to get good therapy as long as you are willing to talk it out with others who understand, sympathies and empathies with your hurt.

I myself have stories but better yet I’ve just learned a great deal from the two posts above.  Neither of them knows me or me them, but I know I’m walking away with more knowledge and understanding than before I read their shares.  So just think what you can do for someone else just by sharing. 


Hey Mike luv.


This post was modified from its original form on 07 Jul, 9:54
8 years ago

Pam:But you do sweety,you just gotta dig way down for it.That's where courage lives!Your very welcome!

Hi Mike! Right on!

8 years ago
Abuse can come from so many angles:  even from neglect (i.e. not doing anything). Passive aggression can be just as harmful. 
8 years ago
Safe hugs to everyone. Thank you all so very much for sharing your storys. You are all so brave. I do not have as much courage as the rest of you. Thanks for all the great info Jakki.
8 years ago

Nothing like the feeling of being able to openly discuss anything. I have had my share of abuse in a marriage of 4 years, both verbal and physical. My ex had a problem with drinking, sometimes a blackout drinker. She would tell people that I was a stuffed shirt because my idea of fun was not getting drunk and falling off a bar stool. I am the type of person that likes to remain in full control of myself, a lot to do with my martial arts background of 43 years.

On a number of occasions, I got my face scratched or hair pulled and one night she was drunk and trying to call her parents in NY at 2:00 AM from a payphone, because she wanted to go to a bar down the street and I told her she had enough, to go sleep it off and not get her parents upset. The first time I hung up the phone, she whacked me in the other hand with the receiver. The 2nd time, she caught me so off guard....never would have believed she would have punched me in the face. I am a 6th degree black belt and would not even consider hitting a woman for numerous reasons, I was raised with good morals, and that was a big no no, aside from the fact that I know what I am capable of doing to someone, and the ramifications. At the time, I was working as a professional bodyguard for two wealthy individuals, and you cannot imagine explaining to them what happened. They wanted to know how many guys jumped me, and I replied, just one little woman!! I was surprised that I stuck it out as long as I did, trying to get her to go for therapy and rehab. One night, 3:00 AM, she started an argument with me and by then it was time to cut the losses. I told her to pack up, make a phonecall to one of her friends and have them pick her up, she was now history in my life!! She packed, slipped out while I was in the bathroom and I heard her car screeching out of the parking area.....amazing she never hurt or killed anyone or herself. And there you have it!! Today I pay attention when a red flag pops!!!

Thanks Jakki
8 years ago
I do feel safe here.  I have found a couple of other newsgroups that have helped too.  As I said, I'm getting stronger & better able to either see it coming & avoid it or not let it get as deep in my soul when she does. 

Thank you again for bringing this up.  I find many people who refuse to believe that this has happened to me & it's just because of the reasons you stated.

8 years ago
HI Toni! Feel welcome and safe here!
This is why I joined this group
8 years ago
I'm a male to female transgendered person.  I'm also a domestic abuse victim. I'm bisexual with a core attraction to people born female. I'm a lot of other things but those are the ones that are germane to this.

My current primary partner is a wonderful female to male transgendered person.  He is kind, caring, thoughtful, protective, all the while giving me the liberty to experience my life & encouragement to help me find all I can get out of it.

My last relationship was with my wife who I have recently divorced from.  In the beginning of our relationship I could say that she was kind, caring, thoughtful, she has never been protective & that was OK.  As time went on though she became very emotionally abusive as well as psychologically.  I had cerfews, was expected to be home from work in just enough time to get there, she called me many times through the day that i now realize was to check up on me, I was punished if she couldn't get a hold of me through the day or if I was late getting home.  She made it difficult for me to have friends independently, separated me from my family, hid, destroyed, or threw away my personal items.  I had an allowance & no money that I could call my own besides that. It got worse when I discovered that I was a transwoman.  She started telling me how to look & what to wear.  She had (still does) many derogetory terms for me.  At the time she had me convinced that I deserved this & actually many of he signs of abuse I didn't recognize until my daughter picked up a pamphlet about abuse & was reading it I heard many of the things I have listed & recognized them for the first time.  She had destroyed my self esteem & basically I felt worthless & didn't care if I lived or not.  I was also driven to a suicide attempt which she twisted as to saying that I was abusing her with it. Before the divorce threatened to take our daughter from me.  Fortunately, the courts all but laughed at her for that one. She told my family about my being trans without my knowledge.  After I left she at times would repeatedly call me at work & be abusive and one time when she was at my doorstep when she knew I was coming home & wouldn't leave until I called the police. I still have to deal with her because of our daughter.  Although they have been less frequent  there are still times that she will manage to verbally abuse me to the point where I am in tears & feeling like I have been beat up.  Fortunately, my present partner is good at picking up the pieces of my soul when this happens & to help me rebuild myself so that I feel human again.

I'm glad to be free of this & am spreading the word that people born male are truly
susceptible of being abuse victims.  The fact that I'm trans I've found actually adds to the likelihood of that happening & to many people's eyes is either deserved or should just be expected.

Thank you for having this group.  Let's hope that the silence will end on this & the awareness will help some other unfortunate people of any gender.
Another Blog Entry
8 years ago
Mental Hygiene - A Men’s Issue?

If you post any comments here - could you please post them in the cooments section on my Blog as well?


This post was modified from its original form on 26 Jun, 18:52
8 years ago
I totally agree. How many women out there say it's wrong for a man to hit a woman and then as soon as they are angry they will beat on a man with their fists?

Hypocrisy is the greatest luxury. Please don't raise the double standard.

Thanks for bringing this important stroy to light.

8 years ago

Thank you. My son was a victim of abuse by his live-in girlfriend for years. I would see scratches and bite marks on him, but was afraid to "be nosy" and assumed they were from overpassionate or rough sex. Then she kicked him in the groin and caused him serious injury. He would never fight back because at 6'1" and 240 pounds he could have seriously hurt or even killed her. My son is a body builder and can bench press 450 pounds, so he could defend himself and HAS in some pretty dangerous situations.

There was also a child involved and my son didn't want him to end up without a mother. The child did not belong to my son and the real father was deceased.

All this finally ended when the neighbors called the police because she was chasing my son outside with a butcher knife. Is it any wonder that my son has stayed single ever since??

8 years ago
Am I the only one who notices that sometimes 14 pt type is HUGE and other times it's fine?
8 years ago

I can use mine more than once... Yours aren't "disposable" are they??? 

8 years ago
8 years ago
Just waking up.GRRRR.I am well.Good mornig Carole!More "PINKY PROMISES"?How many pinkies do you have?
8 years ago

"Pinky promise!"


Good Morning, Jakki!
8 years ago
I hope all is well with you?
I am fine.

8 years ago
I'd prefer if you didn't have that list. You Owe me Nothing, truely.
Got it from my sponsor, I am just passing it on - you do the same, agreed?

Good Morning you two!!!
8 years ago
Good Morning you two.How goes it? More great infomation Bear!
8 years ago

O.k.  Now I have to also add to my "SoB Gratitude List" a new favorite quote:

"When the victim is healed, the perpetrator dies."


Thank you, Carole
8 years ago

I am sorry you have been subjected to violence - I hope you have found ways to recover from that.

There is a saying: "When the victim is healed, the perpetrator dies", meaning that as violence is hereditary, we all have the potential to become violent if we have witnessed or have been abused. That potential will wither away if and when we acknowledge it in ourselves and start healing the victim in us.

Those two are tightly bound together, because in reality it is the victim who are lashing out in attempt to create balance within.

8 years ago

SoB, I want to thank you for a couple of things regarding your input on this subject.

I appreciate the informative, non-judgmental (and even humble) way you presented facts here -- without being overly-emotional.  Abuse is an extremely complex issue.  Opinions held by witnesses to, pepetrators of, or victims of it are colored by personal experience and deeply-held frustrations, anger and fear.

It is a slowly-evolving process to shrug off the "us vs. them" posture and become tolerant of all viewpoints -- male and female.  I know, because I personally had that problem, having been subjected to it myself, and having witnessed its tragic consequences to family and friends.

Thanks to the insight provided here, I had to face a harsh truth.  Unless we all shed our protective armors and preconceived judgments and accept that abuse is equally destructive to everyone, we can not strike at the core of it and work to eliminate it.

I owe you, "not-at-all Silly Old Bear."

Here's the Blog Entry:
8 years ago

This post was modified from its original form on 21 Jun, 23:20
8 years ago
Spiritual - Any kind of forced spirituality or denial of spirituality is Spiritual Violence/Abuse. Using religion to control another. Any kind of use of Spirituality in order to manipulate or force another to act or believe in accordance with your belief, in cluding missionizing to people is Spirtual Violence/Abuse. Failing to give children proper GENERAL spiritual information so they can form their own opinion and spirituality is spiritual violence/abuse. Threats, manipulations, forced prayer, reading, practicing of religious rituals is Spirtual violence/abuse. Any kind of derogatory/degrading/diminishing acts or words in regards to another's spiritual path, expressions and/or practice. Sexual - any kind of unwanted, improper or coercive act or words that has sexual content, including not respecting personal privacy in regards to nudity is sexual violence/abuse. Neglecting to educate accurately and correctly about sexual matters, including procreation, falling in love, relationships, including GLBT issues, or failing to do so is Sexual violence/abuse. Shaming for sexual conduct, forcing abortion or denying abortion, discussing sexual matters improperly or displaying sexual acts/action out-side a proper educational context is sexual abuse. Any kind of derogatory/degrading/diminishing actions or words in regards to another's sexuality including sexual capacity or orientation. Intellectual - Any kind of depravation of accurate, correct information, imparting faulty information, manipulation of facts, witholding of information, manipulation through logical fallcies, any kind of derogatory/degrading/diminishing of another's ideas, logical skills, intelligence, cognitive skills. Failure to provide proper intellectual stimulation corresponding to a child's or adult's needs or wants. Failure to encourage intellectual exploration and aquisition of knowledge in accordance with personal wishes. I am sure there are more ways - but this in my mind covers the subject well. To connect this to my Blog Entry "Lies, Damned Lies and Statistics" I am sure it becomes clear that if we remove physical violence due to physical aggression from the Female side of the equation (that wouldn't be entirely true, but for the purpose of discussion we can do that) it still leaves women 6 3/4 major ways of being violent. Now you do the statistical math. Shalom!
Categories of Violence
8 years ago

In order to prevent violence - domestic and other wise - one needs to be aware of what actually constitutes violence. I hope that after reading this Blog Entry, you will see this Entry ties in with a previous Blog Entry "Lies, Damned Lies and Statistics".We normally associate 'violence' with physical agression, and it is something we have learned is men's way of expressing themselves. Thus deliberately or not assuming that if something is not physical and not done by men it can possibly not be violence. Well, that is wrong. There are at least seven independent catergories of 'violence', each of them as painful and as damaging to the Human Organism.

  1. Physical
  2. Emotional
  3. Verbal
  4. Social
  5. Spiritual
  6. Sexual
  7. Intellectual
Let's look at them individually: Physical - generally thought of as 'violence' due to physical aggression. While it is true that physical agression is part of physical violence, it is far from the only expression of it. Physical abuse makes up the main bulk of physical violence, and that contains more and not necessarily 'violent' expressions. Neglect in terms of food, clothing and shelter or overindulging in the same catergories. Neglect of medical needs or inducing medical needs - often detected as Munchausen's Syndrome by Proxy (a manner of physical violence that is virtually unknown to be perpetrated by men). Drug (including nicotine) or alcohol use during pregnancy, is another form of physical violence/abuse that is unique to women, but VERY common. Withholding of physical intimacy such as cuddling, hugging, kissing and touching, forced physical intimacy such as cuddling, hugging, kissing and touching. Forced physical activity or demands that sports be practiced or not practiced - failure to take into account a person's actual physical capacity in regards to work, sports, physical recreation etc. Any kind of derogatory/degrading/diminishing acts or words in regards to another's physical appearance or capacity. Emotional - emotional violence/abuse is very often coupled with Physical violence/abuse. Withholding of support, encouragement, failing to teachg life-skills such as how to set boundaries etc., inproper display of emotions, subjecting to embarrasment, ridicule, belittling, or ignoring someone. Yelling, screaming, name-calling, threats, refusal to communicate, lies, inaccurate information. Inducing Fear and Anger as a means to control. Any kind of derogatory/degrading/dimishing of another's emotions, emotional status or emotional capacity and skills. Inappropriate education in regards to emotions, such as "Big boys don't cry", "Suck it up!" etc. Demanding affection or dictating how affectionis to be expressed. Nagging. Guilt-tripping, manipulation through black-mail, threats of divorce, deprivation of affection, visitation rights etc. Verbal - Verbal violence is probably the one kind of violence that we practice the most, yet fail to see as violence. It ties in with Emotional violence/abuse. Yelling, screaming, name-calling, refusal to communicate, swearing at, ridiculing, belittling. Then there are the more 'subtle variations', often referred to as "conversational bullying" - words are twisted, made out to mean something different than originally intended etc., sarcasms, irony, white lies, logical fallacies. It is also Vebal violence/abuse to neglect to teach children how to express themselves healthily and properly and how to defend themselves against Verbal Violence. Nagging, not respecting a non-communication wish, demanding verbal communication, dictating expressions of affection. Social - Social violence/abuse apart from being simple things, such as demanding control over another's social interaction, where he/she can go or not go, who he/she can see, talk to, interact with in other ways, including demanding certain behaviour in social situations is also a combination of Emotional and Verbal violence executed in Public - such shaming or embarrasing someone in public, laughing at them or making fun of them, practical jokes, April's Fool's jokes, hazing. It is also Social Violence/abuse to neglect to teach children basic proper social codes for interacting healthily with others, setting boundaries and defend themselves against Social Violence/abuse. Any kind of derogatory/degrading/diminishing acts or words in regards to another's social appearance, standing or conduct. Denying personal privacy, such as reading diaries, letters, journals, going through belongings, not knocking and waiting for permission to enter.
8 years ago

Your welcome Annie.We need as much info as possible if we're to enact change!

"I have seen the face of the enemy,And the enemy is us."As long as we stay silent and uninformed "complasent",This great wrong will never end.

8 years ago
Great Blog Bear!Loved it and bookmarked it!
8 years ago

What a bunch of info that I LOVED to read I think this paragraph is especially true:

Some professionals have observed that mental and emotional abuse can be an area where women are often "brutal" than men.  Men on the other hand are quicker to resort to physical abuse and they are more capable of physical assaults that are more brutal - even deadly!

Thank you so very much, Jakki, for this


The Blog Entry:
8 years ago
8 years ago
Your very Welcome Bear!
8 years ago
Thank you, Jakki!
8 years ago

Here it is for you Bear!I hope this helps!

Violence is not ok ,and it knows no bounds or gender,unfortunatly its one size fits all and equal opperatunity.Violence will only stop when the world fully aknowledges it and yells stop.We shall do this via law reform and much stiffer punishments-for all sides Equaly.One person crying into the night cannot accomplish much,But A million can bring  violence to a screaching halt.And thats what we must do.Our generation has the power to do so,more than any generation ever.We must weild our power wisely and put an end to Silenced Victims everywhere.NO MORE VIOLENCE!

8 years ago
the post in blue text - is that your own, or did you get that from somewhere?

If you got it from somewhere - can you please provide a link - I want to blog this.

It is also important to
8 years ago
be aware that in most cases of domestic violence it's a matter of a two-way abuse, where both spouses are being equally violent.

I use to categorize abusers in two categories:

Control abusers and Affect abusers.

Control abusers are the abusers who use abusive tactics to control their spouse - often out of reasons only they can see - like paranoid ideas about being cheated on etc. The abuse becomes a means to maintain a sense of power. No provocation is needed. They will escalate their abuse with time unless confined.

Affect abusers are those who use physical abuse as a "last way to be heard", a way to signal a sense of extreme powerlessness - this is the typical "two-way" domestic violence setting.
Affect abusers are not habit-abusers and will in 9 cases of 10 choose not to abuse if given another option for signalling their sense of powerlessness. They usually do not escalate regardless of intervention.

8 years ago
Please remember that many cases of child abuse stem from violent women -- and often no one says anything about a woman striking a child or her spouse. (People assume it was discipline when speaking of a child being struck and retaliation when addressing women striking men.) But it is also (sadly) interesting that many violent women use extremely violent items to attack with, such as knives and heavy metal pipes or wooden objects. Suffice to say abuse knows no gender. And, children learn by example/by what they see and experience.

This post was modified from its original form on 19 Jun, 4:19
I have always felt uncomfortable
8 years ago
discussing Domestic Violence against Men in "mixed Groups", simply because it seems to create controversy by simply being brought up.

Not only does it seem to be a matter of less seriousness to some because it targets men, it also seems to create the idea that men speaking out about being victims of domestic violence are somehow deliberately diverting attention from the issue of domestic violence against women as a patriarchal tactics to oppress women, or even deny that domestic violence against women exist.

To me that is like saying that the impact of Global Warming on Polar Bears is diverting attention from the impact of Global Warming on Arctic Foxes. Or denying that Global Warming even affect the Arctic Foxes.

As a man and a survivor of domestic violence, both as a child and younger man, I feel that ANY violence is abhorrant and shouldn't happen to anyone.

I wish we could somehow get to a point where Domestic Violence is seen not as gender specific, but as a Human phenomenon, that HUMANS are victims and perpertrators of.

This, in my mind, requires acknowledging without reservations that Domestic Violence has both male and female victims and perpetrators, and that it really doesn't matter how many of each gender are victims.

Divisional thinking like that only fuels prejudice and resentment, where all victims really should be banding together in support.

Statistics can only tell us how many victims have actually reported being beaten by their spouses. It doesn't take into account why they report, how many attempted reports they have made, or for that matter the societal dynamics that prevent some victims from report before the abuse gets physical, despite the fact that ALL kinds of abuse are today registered with the courts as violence.

Statistics won't build shelters for men and boys that need to get away from an abusive family member - most often those men and boys end up on the streets, where life is even more hellish than with an abusive family situation.

We need to map out what are specific to male victims of domestic violence and educate social services and law-enforcement, so it becomes SAFE emotionally and socially for a  man to report and seek help to get out of domestic violence.

I'll return with more on this.

8 years ago
Your very welcome Bear!
8 years ago

National Domestic Abuse Hotline

 1 (800) 799 - SAFE
National Child Abuse Hotline

1 (800) 4 - A - CHILD




Male Victims of Domestic abuse

Men Web

Wives Not Always Victims Of Domestic Violence

Abused Men

Woman Against Domestic Violence

Battered Men: Research Reveals A Secret Side To Domestic Violence - Women Are Doing The Abusing, Too.

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8 years ago
 Here is one example that illustrates a common dynamic. 

The woman is mildly distressed and upset. The man notices her distress and then worries she may become angry.   The woman attempts to communicate and discuss her feelings.  She wants to talk, feel supported and feel less alone.   She initially attributes some of her distress or problems to him.  The man begins to feel defensive, shuts down emotionally and attempts to deal with the problems rationally.  He feels a fight is coming on.  The woman feels uncared for, ignored and then gets angry.  She wants him to share the problem and he doesn't feel he has a problem.  The man will attempt to remain unemotional and stay in control of himself.  He avoids accepting any blame for how she feels.  He is also worried that she may explode at any moment and that she will certainly do so if he talks about his feelings. The man will start talking about her problem as if she could feel better if she would only listen to him and stop acting so upset.  He fails to understand how she feels and tries to remain calm.  He tells her to calm down and ends up looking insensitive.  She begins to wonder if he has any feelings at all.  She tells him that he thinks he's perfect.   He says he is not perfect.  She calls him insensitive.  He stares at her and says nothing but looks irritated. 

The woman is frustrated that he won't reveal his feelings and that he acts like he is in control.  On the other hand, the man feels out of control and like there is no room for anybody's feelings in the conversation but hers. Communication breaks down and the woman begins to insult the man.  When the man finally expresses his disapproval and attempts to end the fight.  The woman becomes enraged and may throw something.  The man will usually endure insults and interactions like this for weeks or months.  This whole pattern becomes a recurrent and all too familiar experience.   The man becomes increasingly sensitive to how the woman acts and becomes avoidant and unsupportive.  The man begins to believe that there is nothing he can do and that it may be all his fault.  His frustration and anger can build for months ike this. 

This risk of violence  increases when the woman insults the man in front of their children, threatens the man's relationship with his children, or she refuses to control her abusive behavior when the children are present.  She may call him a terrible father or an awful husband in front of the children.  Eventually he feels enraged not only because of how she treats him, but how her behavior is harming the children.   At some point the man may throw something, punch a wall, or slam his fist down loudly to vent his anger and to communicate that he has reached his limits.  Up till now she has never listened to what he had to say.  He decides that maybe she will stop if she can see just how angry he has become.  Rather than recognizing that he has reached his limits, expressing his anger physically has the opposite effect.  For a long time the man has tried to hide his anger.  Why should the woman believe he really means it?  After all, he has put up with her abuse for a long time and done nothing.  Instead of realizing that things have gotten out of control, the woman may approach him and say something like, "What are you gonna do.  Hit me?  Go ahead.  I'll call the police and you'll never see your children again."  Once he expressed his anger physically, the situation became dangerous for him and for her.  The door to violence has opened wide.  He should walk away.  When he does walk away, she ends up more angry than ever, will scream obscenities at him and strike him repeatedly.  She may even strike him with an object.


Why Do Men Stay In Abusive And Violent Relationships?

Men stay in abusive and violent relationships for many different reasons.  The following is a brief list of the primary reasons.

  • Protecting Their Children.  Abused men are afraid to leave their children alone with an abusive woman.  They are afraid that if they leave they will never be allowed to see their children again.  The man is afraid the woman will tell his children he is a bad person or that he doesn't love them.
  • Assuming Blame (Guilt Prone).  Many abused men believe it is their fault or feel they deserve the treatment they receive. They assume blame for events that other people would not.  They feel responsible and have an unrealistic belief that they can and should do something that will make things better.
  • Dependency (or Fear of Independence).  The abused man is mentally, emotionally or financially dependent on the abusive woman.  The idea of leaving the relationship creates significant feelings of depression or anxiety.  They are "addicted" to each other.

Who Can Help If You Are In An Abusive or Violent Relationship?

Help for men who are victims of domestic abuse and violence is not as prevalent as it is for women.  There are virtually no shelters, programs or advocacy groups for men.  

Most abused men will have to rely on private counseling services.  Community resources for breaking the cycle of violence are scarce and not well developed.


8 years ago
  Some professionals have observed that mental and emotional abuse can be an area where women are often "brutal" than men.  Men on the other hand are quicker to resort to physical abuse and they are more capable of physical assaults that are more brutal - even deadly!. 


Why Does Domestic Abuse Against Men Go Unrecognized?

  • The incidence of domestic violence against men appears to be so low that it is hard to get reliable estimates. 
  • It has taken years of advocacy and support to encourage women to report domestic violence. Virtually nothing has been done to encourage men to report abuse. 
  • The idea that men could be victims of domestic abuse and violence is so unthinkable to most people that many men will not even attempt to report the situation. 
  • The counseling and psychological community have responded to domestic abuse and violence against women.  Not enough has been done to stop abuse against women.  There has been very little investment in resources to address the issues of domestic abuse and violence against men. 
  • In most cases, the actual physical damage inflicted by men is so much greater than the actual physical harm inflected by women.  The impact of domestic violence is less apparent and less likely to come to the attention of others. 
  • Even when men do report domestic abuse and violence, most people are so astonished, men usually end up feeling like nobody would believe them.  It is widely assumed than a man with a bruise or black eye was in a fight with another man or was injured on the job or while playing contact sports.  Women generally don't do those things.


What Are The Characteristics Of Women Who Are Abusive And Violent?

The characteristics of men or women who are abusive fall into three categories. 

  • Alcohol Abuse.  Alcohol abuse is a major cause and trigger in domestic violence.  People who are intoxicated have less impulse control, are easily frustrated, have greater misunderstandings and are generally prone to resort to violence as a solution to problems.   Women who abuse men are frequently alcoholics. 
  • Psychological Disorders.  There are certain psychological problems, primarily personality disorders,  in which women are characteristically abusive and violent toward men.   Borderline personality disorder is a diagnosis that is found almost exclusively with women.  Approximately 1 to 2 percent of all women have a Borderline Personality disorder.  At least 50% of all domestic abuse and violence against men is associated with woman who have a Borderline Personality disorder. The disorder is also associated with suicidal behavior, severe mood swings, lying, sexual problems and alcohol abuse.
  • Unrealistic expectations, assumptions and conclusions.   Women who are abusive toward men usually have unrealistic expectations and make unrealistic demands of men.  These women will typically experience repeated episodes of depression, anxiety, frustration and irritability which they attribute to a man's behavior.  In fact, their mental and emotional state is the result of their own insecurities, emotional problems, trauma during childhood or even withdrawal from alcohol.   They blame men rather than admit their problems, take responsibility for how they live their lives or do something about how they make themselves miserable.  They refuse to enter treatment and may even insist the man needs treatment.   Instead of helping themselves, they  blame a man for how they feel and believe that a man should do something to make them feel better. They will often medicate their emotions with alcohol.  When men can't make them feel better, these women become frustrated and assume that men are doing this on purpose.


A Common Dynamic:  How Violence ERUPTS

There are a number of commonly reported interactions in which violence against men erupts.  Here is one example that illustrates a common dynamic. 

The woman is mildly distressed and upset. The man notices her distress and then worries she may become angry.   The woman attempts to communicate and discuss her feelings.  She wants to talk, feel supported and feel less alone.   She initially attributes some of her distress or problems to him.  The man begins to feel defensive, shuts down emotionally and attempts to deal with the problems rationally.  He feels a fight is coming on.  The woman feels uncared for, ignored and then gets angry.  She wants him to share the problem and he doesn't feel he has a problem.  The man will attempt to remain unemotional and stay in control of himself.  He avoids accepting any blame for how she feels.  He is also worried that she may explode at any moment and that she will certainly do so if he talks about his feelings. The man will start talking about her problem as if she could feel better if she

8 years ago
Thank you for posting this, Jakki!
8 years ago


Male Victims of Domestic Violence (UK based)

Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men

There are many reasons why we don't know more about domestic abuse and violence against men.  First of all, the incidence of domestic violence reported men appears to be so low that it is hard to get reliable estimates.  In addition, it has taken years of advocacy and support to encourage women to report domestic violence. Virtually nothing has been done to encourage men to report abuse.  The idea that men could be victims of domestic abuse and violence is so unthinkable that many men will not even attempt to report the situation. 

The dynamic of domestic abuse and violence is also different between men and women.  The reasons, purposes and motivations are often very different between sexes.  Although the counseling and psychological community have responded to domestic abuse and violence against women, there has been very little investment in resources to address and understand the issues of domestic abuse and violence against men.  In most cases, the actual physical damage inflicted by men is so much greater than the actual physical harm inflected by women.  The impact of domestic violence is less apparent and less likely to come to the attention of others when men are abused.  For example, it is assumed than a man with a bruise or black eye was in a fight with another man or was injured on the job or playing contact sports.  Even when men do report domestic abuse and violence, most people are so astonished men usually end up feeling like nobody believes them. 


The Problem With Assumptions About Domestic Abuse And Violence

It is a widely held assumption that women are always the victims and men are always the perpetrators.   Between 50 and 60% of all domestic abuse and violence is against women.   There are many reasons why people assume men are never victims and why women often ignore the possibility.  For one thing, domestic abuse and violence has been minimized, justified and ignored for a very long time.   Women are now more organized, supportive and outspoken about the epidemic of domestic abuse and violence against women.  Very little attention has been paid to the issue of domestic abuse and violence against men - especially  because violence against women has been so obvious and was ignored for so long. 


What Is Domestic Abuse And Violence Against Men?

There are no absolute rules for understanding the emotional differences between men and women. There are principles and dynamics that allow interpretation of individual situations.  Domestic abuse and violence against men and women have some similarities and difference.  For men or women, domestic violence includes pushing, slapping, hitting, throwing objects, forcing or slamming a door  or striking the other person with an object, or using a weapon.  Domestic abuse can also be mental or emotional.  However, what will hurt a man mentally and emotionally, can in some cases  be very different from what hurts a woman.  For some men, being called a coward, impotent or a failure can have a very different psychological impact than it would on a women.  Unkind and cruel words hurt, but they can hurt in different ways and linger in different ways.  In most cases, men are more deeply affected by emotional abuse than physical abuse. 

For example, the ability to tolerate and "brush off" a physical assault by women in front of other men can in some cases reassure a man that he is strong and communicate to other men that he can live up to the code of never hitting a woman.  A significant number of of men are overly sensitive to emotional and psychological abuse.  In some cases, humiliating a man emotionally in front of other men can be more devastating than physical abuse.  Some profes

8 years ago
I hardly think so. Just imagine what such publicity would have done to their macho images. And here we have a genuine problem but one which is slowly being solved.
Men don’t like to admit that they are attacked by their wives or girlfriends; hence they are loathe to admit it. In the UK the men’s civil rights charity, ManKind, has over the past year, set up helplines for male victims all over the country. How many calls do they get? One of the men who mans one of the lines recently told me that he gets on average 15 every day; and that’s only in one area of the south of England.

I know four men who have suffered domestic violence at the hands of their wives. The first woke up one morning to find his wife sitting on the side of his bed, striking matches and throwing them on the sheets in an effort to set him alight, another told me of the time he was left lying injured and bleeding on the floor of his kitchen, after being attacked by his wife, and when the police arrived, they stepped over him to go to his wife to ask if she was all right. A third man had his skull and several ribs fractured by his wife using an iron bar, but still stayed with her until the day she put crushed glass in his dinner. When blood started pouring out of his mouth, he realised it was time to move out. A fourth stands at six feet four, is a black belt in karate and his wife constantly bombards him with verbal abuse. He will not hit her because he knows very well that if he does the police will immediately arrest him and make him leave his home.

If you wish to delve further into the truth about domestic violence, I suggest you obtain a copy of The A to Z of D.V. complied by Martin S Fiebert, Ph.D. of the Department of Psychology, California State University. This is a collection of 95 scholarly investigations, 79 empirical studies and 16 reviews and analyses, covering over 60,000 case studies. Together, this massive volume of evidence proves beyond doubt that women are as physically aggressive, if not more so, in relationships with their spouses than men. All this is freely available on the Internet.

The majority of male victims feel that the police and social agencies are generally unsympathetic to their plight and in some cases antagonistic. A Dispatches programme, broadcast in the UK on 7th January 1999 reported on the experiences of 100 male victims of domestic violence and found that: 30% had been attacked while asleep; 25% had been kicked in the genitals; 25% of the male victims had themselves been arrested after seeking police help, and 89% felt that the police had not taken their complaints seriously. Only 7% of the female assailants had been arrested and none was subsequently charged.

Despite the huge body of research I have referred to above, the assumption that women are always the victims and men the victimisers still largely underpins government and public policy and is the reason for giving many millioins of pounds of public money to women’s groups and refuges every year, and none to help male victims. There are over 445 refuges for “battered” women in England and Wales where women can flee and take their children. At the moment, in the UK there are just two refuges for men, one opened in December 2003 and the other, which is the only one exclusively for men, in January 2004.

Given the foregoing, it is not surprising that men do not report instances of domestic violence against them, and it is this problem that the UK men’s rights charity ManKind is now busy addressing. Their DV posters are being increasingly seen in police stations, libraries and on notice-boards as more and more people are becoming aware of the truth of the situation and are willing to help. One of the posters shows a man with an injured face bearing the caption, “The ‘garage door’ he bumped into last night was female.” This is an attempt to urge men to report domestic violence as readily as women do. The latest surveys show that women are five times more likely than men to report domestic violence against them.

Domestic violence is not a sex issue, it is a social issue, and until both sides of the problem are acknowledged and addressed by those who claim to be concerned about the matter, no cure will be found.
Domestic Violence Against Men
8 years ago
| Blue Label

For decades there has been proof that women have regularly attacked men behind the closed doors of the home. With feminism now in rapid decline the true facts are emerging.

This article by DAVID HUGHES has opened many eyes.

If you want to find an example of ultra-successful brainwashing of the public by the media, you need look no further than the subject of domestic violence; though I have to admit that child abuse runs it a close second. If you ask the man-in-the-street what he thinks domestic violence is, he will probably tell you that it is men attacking women within the family. If you further ask him why he thinks this, he will tell you that he has heard it many times in TV news broadcasts, read about it in newspapers and magazines and has seen adverts about it on television.
Exactly! In a word he has been brainwashed and, sadly, he is by no means alone; he is in the company of his wife, his neighbours, his children’s teachers, his bank manager and countless politicians. They are all totally ignorant of the true facts about domestic violence. So where can these poor beleaguered souls discover the truth about this important problem which constantly batters their ears and eyeballs? The sad answer is, it’s all around them if only they use their eyes and their ears.

In January 1999 the UK Government’s Home Office published the results of a survey into domestic violence. It was the biggest ever carried out anywhere in the world and involved more than 10,000 men and women. It was called Study 191 and it stated, quite categorically, that 4.2% of men and 4.2% of women perpetrate the crime of domestic violence. In other words they had discovered that men and women are equally violent.

Surprised? Don’t be. It’s nothing new and to my knowledge (and to anyone else’s who has researched the matter) it has been known for at least 30 years.

The persistent claim that the overwhelming majority of victims of domestic violence are women is not supported by any impartial research, either in the UK or elsewhere. The results of all reputable gender-neutral studies of domestic violence in couple relationships, published to date, indicate that there is an almost equal numerical culpability between men and women.

We hear much today about the need for women’s refuges where all those women who are ‘regularly’ beaten up by men can flee with their children. The first such refuge in this country (indeed in the world) was opened by Erin Pizzey in London, back in 1971. She was a feminist and thought that women needed to be helped. But in her book Prone to Violence, published in 1982, she stated that, of the first 100 women who entered that refuge, 64 of them were as violent, or more violent, than the men they were allegedly running away from.
So with this evidence available for over 20 years, why are the public and the politicians so ignorant of it? The simple answer is: the book was censored. Erin Pizzey received death threats from feminists in the UK who, at that time, were riding on the crest of a powerful wave, and Erin had to leave the country.
I first heard about the book eight years ago so I decided to buy a copy. I was told that it was out of print. I decided to try the massive Internet booksellers Amazon who boasted that they could supply any book. When I visited their site I asked for the titles of all the books written by Erin Pizzey (she’s written about 12). Down scrolled a list of all her books - all except Prone to Violence. Strange! Are you now thinking the unthinkable, that book censorship is alive and well in the UK? You are so right!
Having failed to buy a copy, I decided to borrow one. I tried my local library but they told me that they did not have a copy. I therefore filled in the necessary card, and paid the fee, for them to borrow a copy from another library in the UK. I was eventually informed that there was not a single copy of the book in any library in the country. Fortunately, having had experience in the publishing business, I knew that a copy of every book published in the UK has to be sent, free, to the National Library, by the publisher. I told my library this and asked them to borrow a copy from them. They did, and I was eventually able to read the book. A year or so later, Prone to Violence was published on the Internet. The cenosrship had eventually failed and now anyone can download the entire book free.

Now that governments and other agencies can no longer censor books which appear on the internet, does it surprise you that we constantly hear of how much “damage” merely being on the Internet does to children? Increasingly politicians and other censorship angents are trying to take some sort of control of the Internet no matter how feeble the reason. Freedom to think is a constant threat to politicians.
This complete censorship of domestic violence has now been replaced by a one-sided presentation of the “facts” of domestic violence with the feminist spin machine presenting carefully selected “facts” to present to the public in an effort to suggest that domestic violence is a sex issue, and not showing it in its true colours as a social issue.
Violence in couple relationships has always existed. Some examples of male victims include Abraham Lincoln, and more recently, Humphrey Bogart and John Wayne, to name but a few. But do you think any of these gentlemen would want it noised abroad that they were attacked by their wives? I hardly think so. Just imagine what such publi