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Kids - What can we do with them... thnx Walter August 11, 2007 1:36 PM
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principals office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Principal: " What is 6 x 6?"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps in to?"
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principals eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......
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A young man moved into a new flat of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the flat next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
A boy meets his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy's chair.
Unfortunately, it was a large dinner with plenty of cauliflower and sprouts ( you know - the kind your mother in law probably makes!!) and he really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.
"Duke!" the dad yelled.
"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one.
"Duke!" the father barked.
The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.
"Duke! Get out of there before the boy sh*ts on you!"
A Husband wrote the following letter for his Wife and left it on the dining room table:
To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good Wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18!!!
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow!
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. - He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills, and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and Mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
"My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months though. You got pregnant last night."
This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little boys and girls: Once upon a time ~~~~~~~~ in a land far away, ~~~~~~~~ a beautiful, independent, s elf-assured princess ~~~~~~~~ happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. ~~~~~~~~ The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. ~~~~~~~~ One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am ~~~~~~~~ and then, my sweet, we can marry ~~~~~~~~ and set up housekeeping in my castle ~~~ ~~~~~ with my mother, ~~~~~~~~ where you can prepare my meals, ~~~~~~~~ clean my clothes, bear my children, ~~~~~~~~ and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. " ~~ ~~~~~~ That night, ~~~~~~~~ as the princess dined sumptuously ~~~~~~~~ on lightly sautéed frog legs ~~~~~~~~ seasoned in a white wine ~~~~~~~ and onion cream sauce, ~~~~~~~~ she chuckled and thought to herself: ~~~~~~~~ I don't f**kin' think so.
In Pharmacology,all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of
government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face.This was a real memo sent out by a computer company to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.The author of this memo was quite genuine.The engineers rolled on the floor!Especially note the last couple of sentences.
Replacement of Mouse Balls If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should
only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse.Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method.Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive.However, excessive handling can
result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and
replacing these necessary items.Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.
An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father greeted her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Father, I became a prostitute."
"Ye what!!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, and for both of you a title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye, daddy, a new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Country Club....and an invitation for ye to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht on the Riviera and...."
"Now what was it ye said ye'd become?" dad interrupts.
The girl, crying and sniffing again, says, "A prostitute, dad!"
"Oh!! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a 'Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining
to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a
piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and
stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will
this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years,"
my husband replies.
I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of
toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over
Why I fired my secretary . . .
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well
waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning,
let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well,
that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember.
My kids came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and
somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss,
Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least
someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock
and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know,
it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday,
let's go to lunch, just you and me - my treat!" I said,
"Thanks Jane, that's the nicest thing I've heard all day.
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally
would go. We dined instead at a little place with a
private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed
the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know, it's late in the day and it's so
beautiful out... we don't really need to go back to
the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not.
What'd you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my place."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
"Make yourself comfortable Boss... if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment but
I'll be right back". "Okay" I said, rather nervously,
"I'll be right here, waiting for you". She went into the
bedroom and after a couple of minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake... followed by my wife
and kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers,
all wearing party hats, singing "Happy Birthday" to me...
And I was so shocked, I didn't know what to do,
So I just sat there...
on the couch...
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stutters July 10, 2007 12:38 AM
A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.
Doctor: "It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering."
"Ddddd octttor. Whhaaat cccan I dddo?"
The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem. The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be worth it. The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.
Patient: Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches.
The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says: "I dddoonnnbt ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble!"
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ADULT HUMOUR - WARNING MAY BE EXPLICIT July 08, 2007 4:50 AM
> CHINESE PROVERBS
> Man who run in front of car get tired.
> Man who run behind car get exhausted.
> Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
> Man with one chopstick go hungry.
> Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
> Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
> Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
> Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
> War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
> Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
> Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
> It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
> Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
> Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
> Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
> Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
> Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
> Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
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things that hallmark cards don't say . . . July 07, 2007 8:02 AM
hiya Lucy, i'm still splitting my sides as i type!!! i can tell u must hav as wild & wacky sense of humor as i do. i could certainly use many of the hallmark cards on your list if only they were available, shame they're not, maybe after reading this someone will take up the initiative . . . i'm sure it'll make someone an extremely profitable & enterprising business don't u think!!! BecksX
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THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY July 06, 2007 9:58 AM
THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're no t here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia )
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay
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3 women from somewhere in the deep south July 05, 2007 1:47 PM
Joke is best told in deep accents!!!
3 women from somewhere in the deep south are sitting on a veranda talking about their husbands' performance in bed.
the first woman says (in deep southern accent)
Ah call mah husband pi-ston. Cos when hes on top of me, hes up and down like a pi-ston !
the second woman says
Ah call mah husband rahm-rod! Cos hes big and hard just like a rahm-rod!
the third woman says
Ah call mah husband dram-buey
the other 2 reply
Dram-buey? Aint that some fancy liquor
Third woman - uh huh!
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