How to protect your health against such people:

1. Go through the first two steps outlined above; try to figure out if you did something wrong, and apologize if you can think of something.

2. While it's important that you teach family members and close friends how you expect to be treated, in some cases, it may be necessary for you to seek out a make-up session even if the other party has not apologized for his or her behavior.

   For example, if it was your spouse who mistreated you, and he or she has not apologized, if you know from experience that he or she is not likely to initiate a conversation that can lead to healing, and a top priority for you is to have your children grow up in a mostly peaceful and love-filled environment, it may be best for you to reach out first. By reaching out first in such a scenario, the hope is that you inspire your partner to edge closer to taking more responsibility for his or her actions during the next conflict. Clearly, this proactive and almost martyr-like approach to increase understanding and intimacy is most appropriate in situations where you are deeply committed to the long term relationship at hand.

 [ send green star]

How to Deal With Toxic People and Behavior

So how do you preserve your health after you have identified a person as being toxic to your health? The answer depends on the role that the toxic person plays in your life. Although it is virtually impossible to categorize all such people into neat boxes, I tend to classify them into one of the following groups:

Group 1: H&G (Hi and Good Bye)

Examples of people who belong in this category:

Unkind customer service representatives
People who exhibit road rage
Strangers on the street

How to protect your health against such people:

1. First, think carefully about your own behavior to see if you may have done or said something to cause the other party's behavior.

2. If you can identify something that you did that likely offended the other party, if possible, offer a sincere apology. If he or she accepts your apology, things work out well for both parties. If your apology is not accepted, you can at least walk away with some peace of mind, knowing that you owned up to your behavior.

3. If you cannot think of a single thing that you did that could have offended the other party, give him or her a silent "H&G" and walk away. Confronting the other party about unkind behavior is not likely to be fruitful. Since you don't have to co-exist on a regular basis, you can take the mindset of "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." In other words, the other party's unkind behavior is on him or her; he or she will reap natural consequences in due time.

Group 2: No real need to be close, but contact is frequent due to life circumstances

Examples of people who belong in this category:

Fellow students
Co-workers
Neighbors
Members of groups that you regularly meet with (church, book club, sports club, etc.)

How to protect your health against such people:

1. As before, start by examining your own behavior to see if you can come up with a reasonable cause for the other party's unacceptable behavior. If you cannot come up with a reason for the other party's behavior, find someone who you can trust to be as objective and honest as possible, and explain the conflict to him or her as thoroughly and accurately as possible. Ask for honest feedback on how you might have triggered the other party's behavior.

2. If appropriate, apologize for your behavior. If you and your adviser have thought long and hard about the conflict and cannot identify anything that you need to apologize for, work on developing compassion for the other party.

   Most will agree that people are not born to be mean-spirited and toxic to others. People can become mean-spirited and toxic to others for varying periods of time if they encounter enough hurt, disappointment, and/or anger in their own journeys. Maybe the other party is jealous of you and consumed by his or her own failures. Maybe he or she is just going through a really rough time due to a loss in the family. Maybe he or she has never truly felt cared about by another person. Maybe the other party has been treated so poorly by family members that sensitivity has been numbed and he or she has no idea that you feel like you have been mistreated. The idea is to generate enough compassion for the other person to overpower or at least quell your hurt feelings.

   This doesn't mean that you need to be a martyr or a doormat and go asking for another three tight slaps to your other cheek. Developing some compassion for the other party's behavior is meant to prevent said behavior from causing you to stew and stay emotionally unbalanced for a long time after the actual moment of conflict. And if the other party has or develops the courage to apologize to you, having some pre-made compassion available in your heart improves your chances of offering genuine forgiveness and experiencing that much more emotional harmony.

3. After you have worked on developing compassion for the other person's circumstances, if you haven't received an apology, be kind, but don't push for a make-up session. An important part of experiencing emotional balance is learning to teach others that you expect to be treated with kindness and respect. To seek out a make-up session when you have done nothing wrong and the other party has not mustered up the courage to apologize is to teach him or her that you can be walked on - not a good lesson to give.

Group 3: Ideal to be close

Examples of people who belong in this category:

Immediate family members
Relatives
Friends that you have good reason to respect

 [ send green star]

Be Gentle With Yourself

Allow a calm gentleness to overcome you today.
Try being super gentle with everyone you meet.
This practice will heal your life on the deepest levels
and touch the hearts of
everyone all across the world.

Your greatest confidence is found in this
gentle calming flow.

 [ send green star]

How to Relate When Someone Else is in Pain
I have sympathy for you. I know what you’re going through.
You don’t have to feel a certain way just to make me happy.
I will help you get through this.
You don’t have to be afraid that you are driving me away.
I don’t expect you to be perfect. You aren’t letting me down.
This pain you are going through isn’t the real you.
You can have the space you need, but I won’t let you be alone.
I will be as real with you as I can be.
I won’t be afraid of you, even though you may be afraid of your pain.
I will do all I can to show you that life is still good and joy still possible.
I can’t take your pain on as my responsibility.
I won’t let you hold on to your pain—we are here to get through this.
I will take your healing as seriously as my own well-being.

-Deepak Chopra

 [ send green star]

Support for Caregivers

Information about caregiver support programs in your state, including those funded through the National Family Caregiver Support Program, Aged/Disabled Medicaid waivers and state-funded programs that have a caregiver-specific focus, is available in the Health section of DisabilityInfo.gov. Additional resources are also available from the Administration on Aging's Caregiver Resource Room.

For additional community-based resources in your state visit the Community Life section of DisabilityInfo.gov and click on your state.

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

National Family Caregivers Association

The National Family Caregivers Association educates, supports, empowers and speaks up for the more than 50 million Americans who care for loved ones with a chronic illness or disability or the frailties of old age. NFCA reaches across the boundaries of diagnoses, relationships and life stages to help transform family caregivers' lives by removing barriers to health and well being. Their website includes caregiving tips, guides, resources, publications and more.

 [ send green star]

-- Do you take care of someone in your family with a chronic medical illness or dementia? Yes I do...my mother, she has COPD with emphysema, she is on coumadin, and has conjestive heart failure. She cannot walk far at all maybe 12 feet. She is now in a hospital bed most of the time.

Have you felt depression, anger or guilt? Yes. It is very depressing seeing a woman that could not sit still, confined to a hospital bed and on oxygen 24/7. I can not say I feel guilty for her condition. I did not cause her condition, cigarette smoking did. I only get angry when she pushes me to the limit. She loves to argue and I hate arguing, so I do not let it fly. I nip it in the bud.

Has your health deteriorated since taking on the responsibility of caregiving? Yes and I have gained 100#!

If your answer is yes to any one of these, you may be suffering from caregiver stress.

I do not feel that caring for my parents has caused my illnesses because I had them before I started caring for them.

I do believe it has made it worse. Due to the depression of it all and being holed up in the house all the time.

I do not have anyone to step in and care for mother while I go off anyhwere and we do not have any money to hire anyone. It is my responsibility and I have to take care of her. There is no other option.

Joanne

 [ accepted]

-- Do you take care of someone in your family with a chronic medical illness or dementia? Have you felt depression, anger or guilt? Has your health deteriorated since taking on the responsibility of caregiving? If your answer is yes to any one of these, you may be suffering from caregiver stress.  [ send green star]