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Let's Laugh - November #2
2 years ago
Tips for More Laughter in Life

    1.    Practice laughing five minutes a day; fake it ‘til you make it.
    2.    Look for humor around you—on signs, in people’s behavior, on TV, in newspapers, things others say and the crazy things that happen to you. Keep a journal.
    3.    Share your embarrassing moments with others.
    4.    Learn to play with things that are serious, like work, social issues and money. You might use word play, silly songs or develop a comical view of the issue to help you cope.
    5.    Laugh with others when they laugh.
    6.    Wear a smile; it puts you closer to laughing.
    7.    Seek out entertainment that makes you laugh.
    8.    Amuse yourself with your own sense of humor.
    9.    Buy and listen daily to a tape of laughter, a laugh box or a laughing toy.
  10.    Play around with games and mindless toys that make you laugh.
  11.    Wear hats that make you laugh.
  12.    Cultivate your innate playfulness.
  13.    Be creative with fun.
  14.    Do at least one silly, nonconforming thing each day.
  15.    Give yourself permission to laugh at anything you need to.
  16.    Make sure you have fun.
 

http://www.naturalawakeningsmag.com/Natural-Awakenings/February-2010/Tips-for-More-Laughter-in-Life/

http://www.naturalawakeningsmag.com/Natural-Awakenings/NAP-December-2010/Laugh-More/

2 years ago

No 9 would drive me crazy! Thanks Sandra.

2 years ago

I agree with you Brenda!!!!

2 years ago
This first of several clean short people jokesis one my son made up when he was a teen. We had an extremely short, stocky woman in our church whose name was Emilene Whaley. My son was very tall, about 6'4", and he found it awkward to greet Mrs. Whaley, as his neck hurt from looking down, and hers must have hurt from looking up!

So, he solved the problem creatively - and thus he greeted her with this welcome for years to come.

 

He got down on one knee, looked her in the eye, shook her hand vigorously, and said:


I come to you
on bended knee;
To ALL of you
from HALF of me!

 

Mrs. Whaley would always laugh and wave her hand into the air like she was going to smack him!


A Midget or A Dwarf?

 

No, the politically correct term for a short person is:

 

A vertically challenged small human of minuscule stature.

 


Traveling Tales

 

What is a short person's favorite vehicle?

 

A Minivan, of course!

 

http://www.clean-jokes-and-humor.com/short-people-jokes.html

2 years ago

Funny Sandra thanks.

Guide for all women

A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING:

I'M HUNGRY.
I'm hungry.

I'M SLEEPY.
I'm sleepy.

I'M TIRED.
I'm tired.

I'VE GOTTA GO.
Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.

WHAT'S WRONG?
I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this.

WHAT'S WRONG?
What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
I liked it better before.

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
$50 and it doesn't look that much different!

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair!

LET'S TALK, HONEY.
I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.

2 years ago

Vallee!

2 years ago

Thank you Val and Sandra for these great jokes!

2 years ago

Crazy people talk

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

2 years ago

Like it! Thanks Val.

2 years ago

Vallee!

 

Mark Twain, that prolific witty author who brought to us the delightful tale of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn, was a quick witted man who seldom kept his opinion to himself!

 

Here are a few examples of his wit and wisdom:

 

  • Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

  • Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.

  • A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

  • A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is just putting on its shoes.

  • It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

 

http://www.clean-jokes-and-humor.com/good-funny-clean-jokes.html

2 years ago

Mark Twain was a wise man! Thanks Sandra.

2 years ago

Very good Sandra - thanks.

Worries about mad cow disease

 There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.

The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."

The other cow replies, "I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."

2 years ago

Good one Val! Thanks.

2 years ago

Val! 

2 years ago

Top ten indicators that a redneck has been working on your computer

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Huntin".

4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.

3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

2 years ago

This one is good! Thanks Val.

2 years ago

Sounds like a redneck is not very computer literate! 

2 years ago

Real advertisements 01

Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

2 years ago

Like it! Thanks Val.

2 years ago

Vallee! 

 

In New York City, a zen master said to a hot dog vendor, "make me one with everything". The master gave the vendor $50. When he received no change, he asked, “Where’s my change?” the hot dog vendor replied, “Change comes from within…..”

2 years ago

Brilliant joke! Thanks Sandra.

2 years ago

I'm glad you liked it, Brenda! 

 

I apologize in advance for the following blonde jokes... 

 

One day a blonde decided that she wanted a new TV. So she went to the electronic store, and found the ideal TV for her home. She took it to the counter and said: "I would like to buy this TV", and the clerk responded, "I'm sorry, but we don't sell to blondes".

Irritated but determined, she went home and dyed her hair red. Then she returned to the store, picked up the same TV, and returned to the counter. Once again, she stated: I would like to buy this TV. And once again the clerk responded: "I'm so sorry, we still don't sell to blondes". She muttered "DRAT!" under her breath and returned home.

Determined not to give up, she decided to shave her head bald. She returned to the store for the third time, picked up the SAME TV, and said to the clerk: "I would like to buy this TV".

AGAIN he said, "I'm sorry, Maam, but we still don't sell to blondes". The blonde answered in a frustrated tone: Well, how on earth did you know that I was a blonde?"

The clerk replied: "Madam, that is a microwave".

 

How do you know when a blonde has been using your computer?

There's white-out on the screen.

 

 

A blonde woman was racing down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license and registration. The woman compliantly dug through her purse and was getting increasingly more agitated. "What does a license look like?" she finally asked.

The police woman replied, "It's rectangular and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a rectangular mirror in her purse, looked at it and promptly handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked into the mirror, and then handed it back to the woman saying, "Okay, you can go now. I didn't realize you were a cop."

 

http://www.clean-jokes-and-humor.com/blonde-clean-jokes.html

2 years ago

No need to apologize Sandra, I am not blonde and they are funny!

2 years ago

Brenda = Sandra and I know each other personally for over 20 years - met her in Los Angeles, California and she knows I am a blonde - but still love them!!  It is sort-of funny - we don't se each other now - but live in the same state again!   Colorado...

2 years ago

That's great Val, you two should try and meet up again!

2 years ago

Unfortunately - it is about 6 hour deive I think and she has no way to get there and I can't leave here though have seen her in the past several times in Colorado - she is the one who got me involved with Care2. 


Next Joke

Quips & quotes

Q: How many letters are there in the alphabet?

A: Twenty-four, because E.T. went home.


Q: What do you call Santa's Helpers?

A: Subordinate clauses!


Q: What does Santa call his wife at tax time?

A: A dependent Claus.

2 years ago

Good ones Val!

Shame you can't meet up with Sandra, it's good that you keep in contact here.

2 years ago

We talk on the phone sometimes too Brenda!

A mental hospital

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."

2 years ago

It's good to talk!

I really love this one Val!

2 years ago

Tells me about your sense of humor Brenda - but of course - I alreay knew that!

2 years ago

Clean Religious Jokes:
The Foolish Friars

clean religious jokes,religious humor,good funny clean jokes A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought that the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close their doors, but they ignored him.

So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close up shop. Hugh beat up the friars mercilessly and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close down immediately.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

 

Take a Gander at Ghandi
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail.

Add this to the fact that he ate an odd diet, and it isn't surprising that he suffered from bad breath. This made him
(Oh man, this so bad, it's good!) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

http://www.clean-jokes-and-humor.com/clean-religious-jokes.html

2 years ago

Those are a riot Sandra and real funny that just the other night I had that song going through my head!

2 years ago

Vallee, I'm glad you enjoyed them!

 

Actual Headlines

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery: Hundreds Dead


http://www.clean-jokes-and-humor.com/clean-religious-jokes.html

2 years ago

So funny can't stop laughing! Thanks Sandra.

2 years ago

Thanks Sandra- amazing what they write - haven't had lots of time to post - Etsy and outside and appointments taking up time!

2 years ago

I'm glad it made you Brenda!

 

Vallee, I know how busy you are!  Glad you enjoyed the above

 

Funny Christmas Carols:
A Christmas Quiz

funny christmas carols,funny christmas songs,christmas humor

The following sentences and phrases are the titles of some funny Christmas carols you are likely familiar with. However, the titles have been slightly modified. How many carols can you identify? (Scroll downward for the answers.)

1. Move hitherward the entire assembly of those who are loyal in their belief.


2. Listen: the celestial messengers produce harmonious sounds.


3. Nocturnal timespan of unbroken quietness.


4. Small municipality in Judaea southeast of Jerusalem.


5. Exalted heavenly beings we have perceived by our auditory mechanism.


6. Diminutive masculine master of skin-covered percussionistic cylinder.


7. May the Omnipotent Supreme Being grant you respite, ecstatic personages of the male gender.


8. Proceed forth declaring upon a specific geological alpine formation.


9. The neuter third person pronoun sounded at the beginning of the unobscured third watch.


10. In awe of the nocturnal timespan characterized by religiosity.

 

http://www.clean-jokes-and-humor.com/funny-christmas-carols.html

 

( I only got 5 of them!  'Go Tell It On the Mountain' is a Christmas song? )

 

ANSWERS:  1. O Come, All Ye Faithful  2. Hark, The Herald Angels Sing  3. Silent Night  4. O Little Town of Bethlehem  5. Angels We Have Heard On High  6. Little Drummer Boy  7. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen  8. Go Tell It On The Mountain  9. It Came Upon The Midnight Clear  10. O Holy Night

 

2 years ago

Only 6, good quiz! Thanks Sandra.

2 years ago

Great Sandra = thanks

2 years ago

My pleasure, ladies! 

 

UP

 

Read until the end ... You'll laugh !

 

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP'. It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

 

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the Political officers UP for election and why is it UP to the Secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

 

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

 

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

 

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

 

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

 

2 years ago

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!

 

Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night ?

 

U
P!

 

Did that one crack you UP?

 

Don't screw UP. Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book . . . or not ... . . it's UP to you.

 

Now I'll shut UP!

 

http://www.clean-jokes-and-humor.com/english-humor.html

2 years ago

  that's great Sandra - sorry haven't had time to post -

2 years ago

Very good! Thanks Sandra.

2 years ago

I'm glad you both enjoyed them! 

 

Answer Machine Messages

Here is some holiday humor created by my son's family for those extra harried days when the family just couldn't babysit the phone...

 

answer machine messages,cross and sunrise,funny phone messages

EASTER

Looking for Jesus?
"He is not here! He is risen!"

We're not here either.
Leave your number after the beep.

 


 

Christmas
(to the tune of Silent Night)

Silent Halls, Until you called
We're not here, but have no fear-

Leave your name and your number, too
Don't hang up til our song is through

We're so sorry you missed us
You have a Merry Christmas!


You've gotta sing this next one!

 

NEW YEARS
Should old acquaintance be forgot
And never brought to mind?

Not if you leave your name and phone
And we'll call you back sometime!


http://www.clean-jokes-and-humor.com/answer-machine-messages.html

2 years ago

Wonderful Sanra - thanks.

2 years ago

My pleasure!

 


Curt and Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News in Starkeville, Mississippi, and decided to buy a mule for $100. The farmer who owned the mule agreed to deliver it the following day.

 

The next morning, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows - I have some bad news. The mule died last night."

 

"Well, then - just give us our money back," Leroy said.

 

The farmer replied, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." conservative political humor,clean political jokes,dead donkey "Ok then, the men replied. Just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer replied, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

 

Curt replied, "We gonna raffle him off." The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!" Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

 

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Leroy and Curt at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked, "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

 

They replied, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do." Leroy said, "Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."

 

The farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain?"

 

Curtis replied, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

 

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government. They're overseeing the Bailout Program.

 

http://www.clean-jokes-and-humor.com/conservative-political-humor.html

2 years ago

Great Sandra - since we both live in Colorado thought I'd post these:

Colorado Crazy Law
  • Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses.

  • It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence.

  • No liquor may be sold on Sundays or election days. (Repealed)

  • It is illegal for liquor stores to sell food or grocery stores to sell any alcohol except beer that is at most 3.2% alcohol.

  • Car dealers may not show cars on a Sunday.


    Colorado Springs
  • It is permissable to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays.

    Crippe Creek
  • It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building.

    Denver
  • You may not drive a black car on Sundays.

  • It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor.

  • It is illegal to mistreat rats in Denver, Colorado.

  • The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park.


    Durango
  • It is illegal to go in public dressed in clothes "unbecoming" on one's sex.

    Logan County
  • It is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep.


    • Pueblo  (I live here)
    • It is illegal to let a dandelion grow within the city limits.


      And this next one cracks me up!

      Sterling
    • Cats may not run loose without having been fit with a taillight.

2 years ago

Loved the Answering Machine Messages and the Mule raffle joke Sandra!

Val I bet your pleased Bootsie doesn't have to wear a taillight!

2 years ago

  Vallee!  Funny "laws"!  

 

Sick Leave

 

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract’s sick-leave provisions.

 

One morning at the bargaining table, the company’s chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "Called in sick yesterday!" There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

 

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn’t been sick!"

 

http://www.myhumor.org/clean-jokes/animal-jokes.asp

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