How The Fight Started....
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One year I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I
replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.
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My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?"
I replied "Dust"
And that's how the fight started..
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My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said, 'I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.
I replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's how the fight started.
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3
seconds.
I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started.
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I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's how the fight started.
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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we
were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's how the fight started.
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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for
$14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
cream.
And that's how the fight started.
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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's how the fight started
Positively Chocolate
Chocolate is better than therapy. And you don’t even need an appointment.
There would be a chocoholics anonymous, but nobody wants to quit!
Man cannot live on chocolate alone! but women can!
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top tights. An entire garment industry would be devastated.
Put “eat chocolate at the top of your list of things to do today. That way,
you'll at least get one thing done."
Some Amusing, Funny and Thought Provoking Quotations of Benjamin Franklin [1705-1790]
In the great tradition of American humour, the title of "First American Humorist" rightfully belongs to Benjamin Franklin. He was the beginning of a long line of writers who created a uniquely American form of humour filled with clever wit, folksy wisdom, and a generous portion of irreverence.
In his Poor Richard's Almanac, Franklin wrote many clever sayings which are still part of our cultural heritage today. At 26, Franklin published the first edition of Poor Richard's Almanac under the pseudonym Richard Saunders.
- Remember that time is money.
- A little neglect may breed mischief: for want of a nail, the shoe was lost; for want of a shoe the horse was lost; and for want of a horse the rider was lost.
- A penny saved is a penny earned.
- Any fool can criticise, condemn and complain and most fools do.
- Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.
- Fish and visitors smell in three days.
- Genius without education is like silver in the mine.
- God helps them that help themselves.
- Haste makes waste.
- Hide not your talents. They for use were made. What's a sundial in the shade?
- It is hard for an empty bag to stand upright.
- Little strokes fell great oaks.
- Never leave that till to-morrow which you can do to-day.
- Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
- Well done is better than well said.
- In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.
- There never was a good war nor a bad peace.
- Never contradict anybody.
The Mircle of Toilet Paper
Fresh from the shower, I stand in front of the mirrow complaining
to my husband that my breast are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me its not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day tke a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirrow, rubbing it between my breast.
"How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts everyday will make my breast grow larger larger
over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says. "Worked on your butt, didn't it?"
He is still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even
walk again. Although he will probably continue to take his meals
through a straw.
STUPID, stupid man.
Getting Older
Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”
The second lady chimed in with, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”
The third one responded, ” Well, ladies, I’m glad I don’t have that problem. Knock on wood,” as she rapped her knuckles on the table, she then said, “That must be the door, I’ll get it!”
The Power of Woman
There were 11 people - ten men and one woman - hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter.
They all decided that one person should get off, because if they didn’t, the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go, so finally, the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return.
When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.
