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Closed Today's Joke. LOL. Part 1
1 year ago

Today's Joke. LOL. Part 1. [I couldn't resist]

> Sex after Death!!
>
> A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and ...
> inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was
> that there was no after-life at all.
>
> After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
> True to his word, he made the first contact:
> " Marion .... Marion ... "
>
> "Is that you, Bob?"
>
> "Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
>
> "That's wonderful! What's it like?"
>
> "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then
> it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun
> and then have sex a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be
> proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then
> pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's
> back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night.
> I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all
> over again"
>
> "Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"
>
>
>
>
> "No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere near Mildura.?
1 year ago

Scottish Christmas Story

 

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, ”I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough”.

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer”, the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her”.

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, “Like hell they’re getting divorced”, she shouts, “I’ll take care of this”.

She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Done! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.”

1 year ago

Nice one good giggle.

1 year ago
Two Irish nuns sat at traffic lights in their car when a bunch of
rowdy drunks pulls up alongside.
 
"Oi, get your tits out, you penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
 
The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think
they know who we are. Show them your cross."
 
So Sister Immaculata winds down her window and shouts,
"Screw off you little wankers, before I come over there and
rip your balls off!"
 
Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks,
"Was that cross enough?"
1 year ago

Luv that one Lyn! lol

1 year ago

Yep what a cute one. I get some great jokes sent to me. Hugs.

1 year ago

Blonde paint job  A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

1 year ago

very funny, I should have know that was coming.

1 year ago

Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says "So where are you from, then?"

"I'm from Ireland."

"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more.

"Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin."

"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more.

"Where in Dublin are you from?"

"The East Side."

"The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!" They both finish their pints and order two more.

"Where on the East Side are you from?"

"McDonagh Street."

"Me too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that."

As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Dublin. What's going on?"

"Oh, it's nothing amazing," says the bartender,"it's just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again."

1 year ago

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

1 year ago

A pharmacist returns from his lunch break to find a man leaning against the counter in a very tense way. "What"s the matter with him?", he asks his new, pretty blonde assistant. "He came in with a really bad cough, and asked me for some strong cough medicine", she replied. "I couldn"t find any on the shelf, so I gave him a strong laxative instead. He swallowed the lot!" "You stupid girl", the pharmacist yelled. "Laxatives won"t cure a cough" "They"re working for him" she pointed out. He"s been standing there for ages,without moving, and he hasn"t coughed once since he took them!" 

1 year ago

1 year ago

Thanks Ruthie I laughed till the tears were full in my eyes. They were both funny. Hugs.

1 year ago

me too...Lynnie and Pauline

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" The two then stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!" -

1 year ago

Luv it Ruth ! lol

1 year ago

The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards. They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose -- how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair. The author said he could handle the story tactfully. The book appeared. It said,

"Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."

1 year ago

Brilliant joke Ruth! lol

 

Girls night out  Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'

1 year ago

good one Pauline

1 year ago

I while back I was sitting on a beach in Mexico watching this guy in the ocean screaming "HELP SHARK, HELP!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

1 year ago

A nun is walking through the city and hails a taxi cab. The nun gets in a cab, and after a few minutes the cabbie says "It's been a while since I've passionately kissed a woman, would you be willing to kiss me, sister?" The nun asks "Are you single and catholic? If you are there shouldn't be a problem." The man says he is, and they intensely kiss for the next 10 minutes. Afterwards the cabbie starts to feel guilty and says "sister, I must confess I'm married and a Muslim." The nun says, "oh that's alright, my name is Troy and I'm going to a costume party."

1 year ago

Lets Dance !

rude-funny-pictures-jokes.jpg

1 year ago

 

 
 
 
 
 
 


IRISH DIET

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ...... And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs! 'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded ... 'I'll tell you though, be jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 'tird day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the f--in' skippin'

1 year ago

LOL LOL

1 year ago

1 year ago

Jock was digging peat at his croft when a passing American tourist asks, "How much land do you have here?"

"About two acres" Jock replies.

"You know back home it takes me a day to drive around my ranch !" the American boasts.

"Aye", says Jock " I once had a car like that."

1 year ago

LOL.....

An old man and his daughter go to the doctor for his monthly checkup. During examination, the doctor asks how his nightly incontinence is.

"It's fine," says the old man. "I just get up and go to the bathroom, and God turns on the light for me."

The doctor finishes up the examination, and then calls in the daughter to tell her about the God-light thing.

"Oh, my God!" says the daughter. "He's been using the fridge again!"

1 year ago

1 year ago

Girls I love the jokes....so cute. Its nice to come to this spot &    & fantastic.

1 year ago

Devil in the Church

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away. Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

1 year ago

LOL, great one Ruth.



This post was modified from its original form on 11 Dec, 8:05
1 year ago

The Los Angles Times reported that Pope Francis was a bouncer while he was a student in his native Argentina. I guess St. Peter won’t be the only one we’ll have to get by at the Pearly Gates.

1 year ago

A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day." "Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay." The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!" On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas.

The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!

1 year ago

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it. The second guy says, “My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochure." Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual." They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they all had lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf" and she said "It’s cold out, take a sweater"

1 year ago

Lol !

One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof.

Snowman As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here."

The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."

1 year ago

1 year ago

1 year ago

John received a parrot as an early Christmas gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words. Playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and shoved him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.' John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued.........

"May I inquire as to what the turkey and chicken did".

1 year ago

LOL! Ruth. good one,

christmas_funny_03.jpg

1 year ago

1 year ago

Funny-Christmas-Cartoon-Pictures.jpg

1 year ago

 

I got a new stick deodorant today.

The instructions said: "Remove cap and push up bottom".

"I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely."

   

1 year ago

It came up twice so I deleted one Lyn, but I love the joke!

1 year ago

t

It was Christmas time and little Jonny asked his Mum for a new bike.
His Mother told him he would have to write to Santa for a bike and if he was a good boy he might get one.
Having just finished his school nativity play, Jonny was inspired and decided to write to baby Jesus instead of Santa.

“Dear Jesus,” he wrote, “I have been a very good boy and would like a bike for Christmas please.”
Reading his letter over, Jonny wasn’t entirely satisfied so he had a second stab.

“Dear Jesus, I am a good boy most of the time and would appreciate a bike for Christmas.” However, this didn’t quite sit right either, so Jonny tried a third time.

“Dear Jesus, I could be a good boy if I tried my best and especially if you gave me a bike for Christmas.” Still this didn’t quite strike the right tone, so Jonny decided to go for a walk to think his options over.

During his walk Jonny passed a house with a statue of the Virgin Mary. The boy had an epiphany. Wrapping the statue up in his coat jacket, he ran home and shoved the statue under his bed before penning a new letter:

“Dear Jesus, if you want to ever see you Mother again, you’d better bring me a new bike.”

1 year ago

Thanks Pauline for deleting the double. I saw a note about it & thought I was in trouble. It has happened before being too rude. LOL. Hugs. Nice joke Pam. Heeeee.

11 months ago

This lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen. He was all loaded down with the things he was going to steal. She had no weapon and was all alone. The only thing that she could think to do was quote scripture. So, she holds up a hand and says, "ACTS 2:38!"

The burglar quakes in fear and then freezes to the point that she is able to get to the phone and call 911 for the cops. When the cops arrive, the burglar is still frozen in place. They are very much surprised that a woman alone with no weapon could do this. One of them asked the lady: "How did you do this?"

The woman replied, "I quoted scripture." The cop turned to the burglar and asked, "What was it about the scripture that had such an effect on you?"

The burglar replied, "Scripture! What scripture? I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's."

11 months ago

11 months ago

Very good!

11 months ago

1489115_10152175336369734_731542102_n.jpg

11 months ago
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'


Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying:
'That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said:
'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the
Word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

Johnny said:
'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
Moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted.

 

 


11 months ago

Good ones :) I found one to share today.
11 months ago

7

11 months ago

I love it. Its nice reading little jokes. I'll make a new thread. OK. Thanks everyone.

This topic is closed