Obama (O) calls Putin (P) on the red phone.
O.: I'd like to ask you a favour. Our condom factory burned down and we need 10 millions condoms to prevent overpopulation.
P.: OK, no problem. Anything else?
o.: Yes, I'd like them to be appropriate size for our male population- 10 inches long, 2 inches in diameter.
P.: Ok, no problem.
Then Putin calls to director of condom factory.
P.: Can you send 10 millions condoms 10 inch long 2 inches in diameter to USA?
Director: Of course. Anything else?
P.: Yes, add a label to each "Made in Mother Russia, size small"
I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal at Big W and standing inline at the check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pal Diet again although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid...why else would I buy dog food??
Hilarious! Thanks, Elena.
This post was modified from its original form on 13 Oct, 9:27
This guy is in line at the Super Market when he notices a hot blonde
behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is stunned that such a hottie would be waving to him, and although
familiar he can’t place where he might know her from, so he says “sorry do you know me?”
She replies “I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of
one of my children!”
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
“Christ!” he says “are you that stripper at my bachelor party that I had on the pool table in front of all my friends, while your partner whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?”
“No” she replies, “I’m your son’s English Teacher”
A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.
Your daughter, Judith
PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom he needs Viagra.
The mom asks "Why on Earth do you need that?!"
The little boy replies: "Is not this what you give dad when HIS sh***it won't get hard?"
This post was modified from its original form on 27 Oct, 10:18
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people
who lie. So he decides to try it out at dinner.
DAD: Son, where were you today during school?
SON: At school *robot slaps son*
SON: Ok, I went to the movies.
DAD: Which one?
SON: Toy Story *robot slaps son again*
SON: Ok, it was A Day with a Porn Star.
DAD: WHAT?! When I was your age, I didn't even
know what porn was. *Robot slaps dad*
MOM: HAHA!! After all he is your son, *Robot slaps Mom*
Murphy’s Law for Moms
1. If you wear black, they will have a runny nose.
2. If you wear white, they will have muddy hands.
3. If you change their diaper, they will immediately poop in the new one.
4. If you mop the floor, they will spill something.
5. If you put on fresh socks, you will immediately step in whatever was spilled.
6. If it is perfect, they will fix that for you.
7. If you say it, they will repeat it.
8. If it’s important, they will forget it.
9. If you’re tired, they will not be.
10. If you love them, you will see the beauty in it all.
Disagree with N10. Can't imagine even the possibility to love them after they've done all mentioned in 1-9... what's a horror!
That's why I'm absolutely child-free- don't want to have my children and don't want anything to do with someone's else's...
"Mary, what does your parents do?"
Little Mary replied, "My dad is a lawyer and my mummy is a nurse."
"That’s very nice," said the teacher. "Robert, what do your parents do?"
Robert proudly exclaimed, "My dad is a policeman and my mom is a teacher!"
"That’s very nice," said the teacher, "Johnny, what do your parents do?"
He stood up and pronounced, "My dad's dead and my mom's a hooker."
Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. 15 minutes later, he returned.
"Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" asked the teacher.
Johnny replied, "Yes, he said that in our economy every job is important, gave me a chocolate and asked for my home phone number."
On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
He had no trouble with discipline that term.
A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train. A woman upon seeing those 2 cute babies asked the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?" The man giving the lady an angry look replied, "I don't know." The lady then asked, Are they boys or girls?" The man looking angrier than before replied "I don't know." The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?". The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are the 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company."
his father looked up the teacher. He told her that
little Johnny was a good kid but that he was an
avid gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might
win lunch money from the other kids if he was not
The teacher did not seem disturbed, assured the
father that she had handled many such problems
and was very capable of taking care of little
Johnny's urge to gamble.
Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher
and asked her how things were going.
"Oh, everything is going very well." She said. "I
think I may have cured little Johnny of his gambling
The father asked her what had happened.
"The little tyke absolutely insisted on betting me
ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear."
She said. "I finally agreed to the bet and took
him to the teacher's lounge to show him that I
had no mole."
"Damn!" The father said. "He bet me fifty dollars
this morning that he would see the teacher's ass
before the day was over."
A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" said the boy "Yes, see them and they make you cry." the father replied This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of willies are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man’s twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree " "A Christmas tree?" said the daughter "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only"
The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile. Little Johnny received a quiet reprimand.
After a minute or two, Little Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt is *that* wide."
At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother severely scolds her son.
Again after a couple of minutes Little Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the fat hangs over her belt." The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control her rude child and his mother threatened him with his very life and existence.
Things in the bank are quiet. The lady moved to the front of the line when her pager begins to emit its distinctive tone.
Little Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice, "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE MOM, SHE'S BACKING UP!!!!"
A grade school teacher in Tennessee asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to Graceland and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinated."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Little Johnny said, "My Aunt has a sweater with nine buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher cried.
Little Johnny's 2nd-grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet.
"Johnny," she says, "what comes after 'O'?"
Johnny says, "God, I'm coming!!"
Little Johnny and Jane are playing in a sandbox. Little Johnny has to go to take a pee but he was told by his mother to always be polite and don't talk about private matters in public.
At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to say Jane to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to Jane and says "Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose." And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.
When he comes back Jane looks up at him and asks, "Did you powder your nose?"
"Yes" said Little Johnny stepping back into the sandbox.
"Well then" says Jane, "You'd better close your compact because your lipstick is hanging out!"
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the
time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, however, knowing that he could be a bit crude at times, but eventually his turn came. Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnny.
"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?" "Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister
said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and Uncle Bob left town suddenly."
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: "YOU FU_CK HER AGAIN!"
Little Johnny and his mother were flying US Air from Los Angeles to New York. Little Johnny, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
His mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told Little Johnny to ask the stewardess.
So Little Johnny asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
Little Johnny said that she had. So the stewardess said, "Go tell your mother that US Air always pulls out on time."
There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.
Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied, ''We don't know what to do with this baby.''
So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution."
''Why?' asked the head nurse.
"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."
Birth Control Pills
Mrs. Smith, an elderly woman, went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."
Quite surprised, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."
Boy: Dad, How was I born? Dad: well , ur mom & I got together on "Facebook". We set up a date via"Inbox" & met in"Cyber Cafe" ur mom agreed to "Download Data"from my "Pen Drive". So I put it in ur moms USB Port & just when I was about to"Transfer", We realized that non of Us Had "Installed" an Antivirus or Firewall. It was 2 late to hit..."Cancel". Nine months Later A "Pop- Up" appeared saying "You Have Got A MALE"
Little Johnny farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out. He goes and sits outside the class and can't stop laughing.
The principal walks by and sees him sitting outside laughing. He says, "Little Johnny what are you doing sitting here laughing?"
Little Johnny says, "I farted in class and the teacher threw me out."
The principal says, "Well then, why are you laughing?"
Little Johnny says, "Because the dumb idiots are sitting in the classroom smelling my fart while they put me outside in this beautiful, clean air."
Joey and Katie are sitting in school. Katie is sleeping and the teacher asks her a question. "Katie, who created Heaven and Earth?" Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil. "Jesus Christ almighty! !" Exclaimed Katie. "Correct." Says the teacher. So the next day the same incident occurs and the same question comes up "Who created Heaven and Earth?" Katie (Again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil "Jesus Christ almighty!" she exclaims. "Correct again." Says the teacher. So the next day, for a 3rd time, The teacher asks Katie "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?" Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil again, and screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I am going to crack it in half!"
Vaseline is the key to having sex with your spouse after having children.
Just stick this stuff on the outside of the doorknob and the kids can't turn the knob
to get in.