I have a few questions I'd like to ask group members, if you don't mind.

As an adopted child, what advice would you give to someone considering adopting?

Birth parents - what would you like potential adoptive parents to know?

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Well I just say thank when u adopt, you have a great responsability as if u have given birth, cause its your child now, and its important to have in mind that this child u are adopting might have a bit more problems than a biological one for this fact that he is adopted. No matter what always be patient, understand that it might not be easy for him/her to understand as a whole the fact that he is adopted, somethimes he might even remind you youa re not his/her biological parent...and such, always tell that child u love him and he is part of the family. he /she will really need to ahve thsi certainty...and well teh rest is just parents duty

I think that will be my answere at least for now

Enobong

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Toni H. As an adoptee, I've come to realize there are multi-faceted dynamics involved.

When my adoption took place, there were few single moms, or blended families. But through my research there isn't much difference between adoption & multi-relationships in family dynamics except biology & genetics.

Now blended family splinter the family trees into a multitude of branches which is even more complicated than adoption. Overall I believe the most important characters of an adoptive family are trust, patience & lots & lots of love & time to practice that love. But that is not limited to adoption either - because that should be the dynamics of a single family or a blended family - or extended family (of orientation or pro-creation).

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Also, my adoption was an open adoption in which both sets of parents knew each other. Both families were poor, only one had 10 kids & the other none. My  "parents" gave me everything I ever wanted within reason (financially & morally). But I also felt like they wanted a "china doll" that they could show off to people & no matter what I did, they always expected more.

My "dad" also helped the people who adopted my younger sister find our bio parents (bailed him out of jail) to sign her papers. Her "dad" wanted us to know we were sisters as did my "mom". But her "mom" always called us "cousins".

Growing up I felt always alone even though we always spent holidays with my "sister/cousin" & by the time I found out that we had more siblings & that my bio mother had asked my adoptive parents if they could take 2 of my older brothes & didn't, it made me mad.

I guess I ran the gamut of feelings about being mad & trying to understand the "why" of things. My main peeve is not being told the truth. Not "lying" per se, just not being told what I felt was things I needed to know. Also, they could have adopted not only my sister, but my 2 older bros. The brother just older than those 2 had even asked my mom, "if you take Mc & Dog, can you take me too." I needed my siblings & longed for them. I met them when I turned 18.

I also ways felt like a round peg trying to be forced into a square hole.

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My sister was raised by wealthy people, so you could say "a spoiled brat." But we are soo much alike that people know we're sisters just by looking at us. We each found & socialized with our bio sibilngs, but not at the same time. That was unfortunate because we have different perspectives of the same people. She & talk on the phone frequently & she is also a member of this board also (holding opposing views). She states that she has some of the same feelings as I do/did about the ways we were raised (city/county mouse) but we don't adapt well to each other's lifestyles.

She was in the hospital most of her infancy. I lived with my adoptive family for a while while my adoption was taking place & even after my adoption, my biological oldest sister babysat me.

There was an older girl (12 years old) living with the people who adopted my younger sister who was was raised as her "sister." There was a lot of jealousy that my sister had to contend with. The 12-year-old was a niece of my sister's "mom", but they never adopted her. She was jealous of my sister but my sister's "mom" always considered her family over my sister ~ which she was.

Since I was always told we were sisters, I was jealous of the "other sister" as well ~ always feeling "left out".

That's why my family is very important to me. I'm glad for my time with my biological family (most of which are all dead now), but my family now is my family of pro-creations ~ everything else is in the past. Not all of my questions got answered, but I have almost come to the end of my search of who I am.

I think that's why I've tried to do so much with my life, to study as much as I could & try to learn from other people. Basically, after learning "who you are" so to speak, you ARE who you are & be happy with that. At some point you have to accept things the way they are & move on. that's the hard part.

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If I may add to this topic even though it is old...

In a typical case, what things is an adoptive child most looking for in his/her new home? What is he/she most trying to avoid? What is the hardest thing to adjust to, and what things can be done to help with the adjustment?

I hope to adopt some day, so I would really like to learn more.

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is a special needs child.  Know that from the start.  She has been separated from the one person she is meant to be with - her birth mother.  The child forms a deep connection with its mother in the womb and when that connection is broken after birth, it is traumatic to the baby.

Open adoption is preferable to closed because it gives her access to information about her original family.  Tell her she's adopted as soon as you can, and answer any questions freely, except where they may cause harm (for example if you know that she is a product from a rape or incest).

Give her information about her ancestry so that she knows where she fits in the world.

Understand that her siblings may not truly accept her as their sister.

Know that right from the start she has profound rejection issues.  She may be unable to accept that anyone loves her.  Be patient with this. 

Read up on as much material as you can about the adopted child.  The library is full of such books.  They will tell you much more of the truth than the adoption agency ever will.

Know that because of her pain and anger,  she may develop behavioural and emotional problems.  Be patient and understanding about this and get her the help she needs.

But don't be alarmed - many adopted children grow up to become well-adjusted adults.  I just know that some don't.

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Thank you & welcome  Tracy S.

That is what I was trying to convey.

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