No, Carol, YOU made MY day as these are wonderful. if I keep doing this will my arms look like Michelle Obama's?
All kidding aside, Wednesday Wit is always a hoot!
Oh, Diane, you got it.....great new exercise. Carol, you live far enough from me that I should be able to get my arms in great shape as I reach out to give you hugs from here to there. Wow, Diane, what a great idea. And if I were to run to Carol's and back each week (if I could do it in a week) look where I would be; in a hospital near death's door. LOL Seriously, I am working at getting in shape but that is quite a way to run in a few days or a week. Hmmm, I wil take that one under advisement. LOL
This post was modified from its original form on 01 May, 8:24
Well, now that we've devised a way to have out arms look like Michelle's - I will admit that I look like s*** in bangs -
Now Tara Jane, no one said hairdo; I am not changing my hairdo to look like her. I will only go arms. LOL Don't want her jaw, chin or teeth, either. No, just the arms. LOL
I don't want her arms either. If my arms, at some point, look like two flags waving in the breeze I'd rather have "Two Flags Over Tara Jane" than look like the Halloween Queen.
Excellent point, excellent point. Therefore, back to you Diane, why do we want anything like Michelle's again? I am confused. LOL
Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!
It turns out that Chuck had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.
The night went very well. The next day, Janice told her Red Hat friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Chuck even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'
'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.
'Oh, that............ Chuck was too tired.'
Well, Carol, shared this with friends and family already and have had 4 of the 6 people respond already. Your audience is growing and these people are emailing me by 6 AM EDT now on Wednesday asking where the Wednesday Wit is and when will I be sending it to them. You have a growing audience I tell you; you are going to have to start a syndicated column and sell it to the newspapers around the Country; hey, that might be a way to infiltrate the MSM. LOL
Well, I sent two big green stars one to Frank and one to Carol LOL!
I LOVE Wednesday Wit!
Carol, thank you once more for the laughs and fun; makes C2NN easier, trust me. LOL
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order,we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the onesI saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.
Sometimes the bull wins.
Carol, you out did yourself with these. I just realized that I suffered, at one time. from carpool tunnel syndrome, too and so glad that I got help for this and I am now free from that ailment. It is quite a relief and I attribute that help to retirement. I would suggest to this doctor that he might suggest the same treatment. LOL
Carol, again, can't thank you enough for the laughs and lighter spirit that your Wednesday Wit brings; keep it coming.
Oh Carol, you out did yourself. Love these so much. As I am still dieting, I have to print and post these to make each day a little more fun in the goal of weight loss. LOL Macho Peach Chew is great, but I do like the spirituality of Lettuce Spray and the new understanding of carbo hide rates. I will have the best day now, thank you so much. Lots of love and appreciation for this special Wednesday Wit.
This post was modified from its original form on 29 May, 8:16
Carol - a green star coming your way. Perfect for these times when everyone I know is either on a diet or has given up on one.
I've now adopted a new attitude. If your clothes fit and they look good on you - "fergit it".
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down
and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
..... but all men...are men!
Carol AND Frank....you both brought big laughter to us today! Macho Peach Chew LOL!
Carol, you fan base is growing; I now have 2 or 3 of the people I share your Wednesday Wit with (friends and a family member) that will email me if I don't get the email to them with your Wednesday Wit for the week asking me where they are. I forgot last week and by noon my time they wondered where it was. So, you are just going to have to start a web page for this I suspect as you may be pursuing the wrong avenue; I know that you get a lot of interest in your C2NN, but Wednesday Wit is not far behind and growing weekly. LOL
These are wonderful, as usual and a green star on the way.
Carol found it!
Where did you find it, Carol? Are the rest of our lost threads there, too? Please let them be there, too.
Super sleuth......our very own, CarolK.....cracked the case of the "missing threads."
Can I get an AMEN for Sister Carol?
where did that link come from? that's new...odd...and suspicious.....dingo.care2.com...prairie dog2.gif....hmmmmm......are we being hacked on political derby? LOL!
Well with a link about dingo and prairie dog - if we're not being hacked, perhaps we're being sniffed!
"the dingo ate my bah bee."
Thank you, Carol!
Carol, just what the doctor ordered and thank you for the laughter that you allow us to share on Wednesday. These were wonderful as always.
Made my day, as you always do with these, Carol. Thank you again.
Carol, not sure which one if the funnier. Forgot to copy and send to your fan club so back to do that as I have had 3 emails already asking where your Wednesday Wit is at. Boy, demanding fan club. LOL
Once again, you have outdone yourself Carol. These are so much fun. Thank you.
really cute one, gives a whole new meaning to counter fitting.
The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.
Government Agent: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.
Montana Rancher: Well, theres my hired hand whos been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then theres the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.
Government Agent: Thats the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.
Montana Rancher: That would be me.
Carol, as usual you brought us some of the best humor once more. Thank you so much as these are so good. Your fan club was reminding me to send them your Wednesday Wit already today. Thank you and you know, I may have to start charging them and passing the fee to you; you would get paid to do this in a club, right? LOL
Carol..........It is so refreshing to read something not connected with Z/M. It is so refreshing to sit back, relax and have a wonderful laugh for the day! Keep up the fun - bring us more laughs!And, thanks!
What would Political Derby do if we didn't have Wednesday Wit? I don't want to find out!
Thank you for your dedication to this weekly thread. I always know when I wake up on Wednesdays that you'll have something posted to make us laugh.
Thanks for all you do!
If us older guys can't rely on our friends to keep us forewarned of these types
things going on, who else can we rely on?
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark
parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to
pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. A 'heads-up' for those men who
may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This
one caught me totally by surprise.
Last month… I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going
out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough
to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works; Two nice looking, college-age girls will come over to
your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both
start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost
falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you
thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing.
Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your
I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the
17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also June. 1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the 16th
&17th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us
older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
By the way, Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper
ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be
on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around
4:30 in Walmart parking lots.)
Frank, thank you for your contribution to our laughter. Tara Jane, you are so right, it is so good to count on Wednesdays being a time we can share some laughter. Frank and Carol, thank you both so much.
Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.
Carol, these were so much fun today and still getting a good laugh. I have to send my daughter a text with the joint resolution as I know that the those we work with in CASA will love it. Being surrounded with parents that are drug users is such that a laugh is much needed.
Thank you for never failing to bring us good, clean, wholesome humor and you are so appreciated.
Loved these....thank you guys for making laugh this morning!!
Carol, you did it again and thank you. Wednesday Wit is the best. Not sure how you do it but each week is better than the last.
Carol, keep 'em coming, baby!!! Your middle of the week sense of humor gets us to Saturday with a smile on our faces!
Just what the doctor ordered, start the day with a smile or laughter; you gave me both, Carol. Double whammy. LOL
Carol, just heard from some of your fan club members and they said you outdid yoruself this week and thank you for making their day brighter. LOL
Perfect Carol, your Pun Club. I will let them know you send Cheers and they will love it. As of now I am sending to 20 people and each of them is sending to at least 10 more so see, you following is growing. Just keep them coming as the 20 get pretty nasty if I don't have it for them by Noon. LOL They can be Ugly, let me tell you. Snarly, viciious, like a pack of wolves. LOL, LOL, LOL, LOL Actualy, most of them will email me and ask but they are nice about it. LOL
Carol, a big, huge thank you for the the laughs. Will get this off to your pun club right away. LOL
Thank you, Carol!!
Carol, you will never know how much grief I got yesterday as everyone was upset not to get their Wednesday Wit puns. Sent them a few minutes ago so off the hook now.
These are wonderful as usual and had a great time with them.
Okay, Carol, the first one is such a lot of fun. My daughter's name is Jennifer but she goes by Jenn and so she asked if you could ammend this and add another 'n'. Seriously, you came through with some fun ones today and I was so ready for your puns. Thank you, Thank you!!!!!
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They
would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to
convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I
found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me
around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear.
And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that
bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ....circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
In the year 2013 the Lord came unto Noah,
Who was now living in England and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and I see the end
of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing
Along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will
Start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
Weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a Building Permit."
"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector
About the need for a sprinkler system."
"My neighbors claim that I've violated the
Neighborhood By-Laws by building the Ark in my
Back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to
Go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision."
"Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power
Lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the
Passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them
That the sea would be coming to us, but they would
Hear nothing of it."
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban
On cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I
Needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"
"When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was
Confining wild animals against their will. They
Argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and
It was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in
A confined space."
"Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study
On your proposed flood."
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm
Supposed to hire for my building crew."
"Immigration are checking the
Visa status of most of the people who want to work."
"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They
Insist I have to hire only Union workers with
"To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally
With endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10
Years for me to finish this Ark."
"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
And a rainbow stretched across the sky."
Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord.
" The Government beat me to it."
Frank, these are both so much fun; not sure which I liked the best so an A+ for both. Thanks to both yoiu and Carol for putting a big smile and causing laughter, the best way to start a day.
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:
If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........twice a day.
2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4.... Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5..... Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6...... The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7....... The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8........ Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9......... Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10.......... You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!
Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."
Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?
How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a sophomore course.
How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?
The cow fell on him.
Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods.
One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."
The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
A University of Cincinnati football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident.
He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death.
Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.
What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "
"Will the defendant please rise."
If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?
The police officer.
How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?
There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
A full set of teeth.
University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week;
the other half will have to dress themselves.
How is the Indiana football team like a possum?
They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car?
He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
What are the longest three years of a University of Kentucky football playerâs life?
Freshman I, Freshman II, and Freshman III.
Mike, you keep them coming as this is great. We need to break up the serious side of political posting to have some fun, too. Thank you.
For September 4
(Posted For Carol K)
It was a mystery that only the great Sherlock Holmes would undertake.
The day after every full moon, members of a Japanese fraternity would be found dead in the hall on the fourth floor of their house. The victims were crushed and there were signs of skid marks and tire tracks on the floor.
Holmes was called into the case. It quickly became apparent that the only student that was not frightened was a young man named Nagawa who quickly became the object of Holmes's suspicion.
The evening of the next full moon, while peering through the keyhole of Nagawa's room, Holmes observed that the student was no longer there, and in his place was a Japanese compact car!
The next morning Holmes confronted Nagawa. "When the moon is full, you become a were-auto, and you run over your fellow students on the fourth floor."
At this, Nagawa panicked, and ran down the corridor. As he opened the door to escape, he morphed into a car again, but as he expanded he became trapped in the doorway. The pressure was so great that he exploded. No trace of him was ever found. But for several days it rained Datsun cogs.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Carol, it was an honor to put this up for you today and please we do need to get you back. Thank you so much as this is one that we so look forward to each week. It rained Datsun cogs here day before yesterday. LOL