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Group Discussions
4 years ago

Happy St Patricks Day Everyone!


5 years ago
Dear Mr. Cameron,

Please find below our suggestion for fixing England 's economy.

Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the
money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.
You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.  Pay
them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following

1) They MUST retire - ten million job openings - unemployment fixed

2) They MUST buy a new British car. Ten million cars ordered - car
Industry fixed

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - housing crisis fixed

4) They MUST send their kids/grandkids to school/college/university -
Crime rate fixed

5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week.....and there's
your money back in duty/tax etc

6) Instead of stuffing around with the carbon emissions trading
schemes that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy
bastards to reduce their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years or
we shut them down.

It can't get any easier than that!

And if more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back
their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances.  If you think

this would work, please forward to everyone you know.

If not, please disregard.

                                               Grumpies of the World Unite

Other points you might consider:

Put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home, then
the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They'd
also receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical
treatment, wheel chairs etc. They’d have constant video monitoring so
if assistance was needed they’d have immediate help. Bedding would be
washed twice a week, and all clothing would be washed and ironed as
needed.   There would be a guard to check on them every 20 minutes and
staff to bring their meals and snacks to their cell.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual
counseling, pool and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.

There would be private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor
yard, with gardens for anyone who felt the need to exercise.

Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls and there
would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and all guards would
have a code of conduct that would have to be strictly adhered to.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised
day and night.  Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week; live in a
tiny room and pay £600.00 per week without any hope of ever getting

Think about this (more points of contention):



Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that, during the
mad cow epidemic, our government could track a single cow, born almost
three years ago in Appleby, right to the stall where she slept in the
county of Cumbria?   And, they even tracked her calves to their
individual stalls.. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal
immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each
illegal immigrant a cow.



The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a
courthouse or Parliament, is this -

You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit
Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers,
judges and politicians..... It creates a hostile work environment.



Think about this ... If you don't want to forward this for fear of
offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM! It is time for us
grumpy old folk of Britain to speak up!


7 years ago

A man in Tesco's tries to buy half a cauliflower.  The very young produce
assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The man persists
and asks to see the manager.  The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some prat out
there wants to buy half a cauliflower.'  As he finished his sentence, he
turned to find the man standing right behind  him,  so he  added, 'And this
gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got
yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their
feet here. Where are you from, son?'

'Liverpool, sir,' the boy replied.

'Well,  why did you leave Liverpool?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up there.'

'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Liverpool.'

'You're kidding?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'

7 years ago


A message from the Queen
8 years ago

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty QueenElizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, GordonBrown, will appoint a Governor forAmerica without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-'ise.'Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S .English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

  4.You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

 8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call Fren

8 years ago
Customer relations
For all Who Work With Rude Customers, (shame we can't all actually do something like this!)
  An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to only fly as cargo.
  A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.
  The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to
  Work something out.'
  The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'
  Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
  'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'
  With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F... You!'
  Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit) 
I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.
Passport Applicaion
8 years ago
      Dear Minister,
      I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand
     Or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.
      How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address 
     And telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish    from them
      back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I
      was born and on what date?
      How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round
      every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film
      or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years
      ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two
      of which were with contractors working for the government?
      How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what
      channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and
      yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won
      or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail
      to claim in good time.
      Do you people do this by hand?
      You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including
      the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd
      years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the
      last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration
      forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and
      boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms
      that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I
      have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for
      Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in
      Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her
      maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be
      absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I
      I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But
      between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the
      application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is
      going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at
      my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate
      the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary
      backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned
      rest away from all this crap.
      Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and
      get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last
      one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be
      so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in
      the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be
      too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all
      over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some
      tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you
      know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look
      as if we are enjoying the process!
      Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!
      I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over
      ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security
      clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats
      away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first
      Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red
      Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone
      'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...
      who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN
      Yours sincerely,
      An Irate British Citizen.
8 years ago

The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for the Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds using only hand tools, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Coulthards bird in the shower


8 years ago

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health:
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer Heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer Heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer Fewer heart attacks than us
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and Suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and Fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink whatever you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you, but the U.S. Government is trying to correct the problem.
8 years ago

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
> She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
> He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go  along.'
> So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
> One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
> After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the
> towel.
> She said, 'That was incredible!'
> He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you  we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
> So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
> After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on
> her towel and was hardly out of breath.
> He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
> 'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides  of the Mersey !



8 years ago
Childbirth at 65                  

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

8 years ago
In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European
currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great  Britain and
Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny'
is not to be used after 31st December 2009.
From this date, the correct terminology will be:
8 years ago
8 years ago
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. 
 He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
 When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. 
 When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"  "This is Heaven,
sir," the man answered. "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.  "Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."  The man gestured, and the gate began to open.  "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in too?" the traveller asked. 
 "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. 
 After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.  As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. 
 "Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"  "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in." 
 "How about my friend here?" the traveller gestured to the dog.  "There should be a bowl
by the pump."  
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.  The traveller filled the water
bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.  "What do you call this place?" the traveller asked.  "This is Heaven," he answered.
 "Well, that's confusing," the traveller said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."  
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope.  That's hell." 
 "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?" 
 "No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their friends behind."
8 years ago
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. 
 He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
 When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. 
 When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"  "This is Heaven,
sir," the man answered. "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.  "Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."  The man gestured, and the gate began to open.  "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in too?" the traveller asked. 
 "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. 
 After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.  As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. 
 "Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"  "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in." 
 "How about my friend here?" the traveller gestured to the dog.  "There should be a bowl
by the pump."  
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.  The traveller filled the water
bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.  "What do you call this place?" the traveller asked.  "This is Heaven," he answered.
 "Well, that's confusing," the traveller said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."  
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope.  That's hell." 
 "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?" 
 "No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their friends behind."


8 years ago
8 years ago

Giving up Wine

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly

dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a

couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this

money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said.

"I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" asked.

"Are you NUTS !" replied the homeless woman. " I

haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money.

Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner  with my

husband and me tonight."

The homeless Woman was shocked. "Won't your husband

be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,

and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman

looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."



8 years ago

An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seco nds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly
WHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph and He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up t o 320 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers, "Un-hook my suspenders from your side view mirror". 

8 years ago

> A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or
> any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong
> with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
> Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex
> therapist, Dr. Chang. So she went to see him.
> Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, 'OK, take off all
> your crose.'
> The woman did as she was told.
> 'Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'
> Again, the woman did as she was instructed.....
> Dr. Chang then said, 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.'
> So she did. Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, '
> Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever
> see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'
> Worried, the woman asked anxiously,'Oh my God, Dr.Chang, what is Ed
> Zachary Disease ?'
> Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and replied, 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your
> face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'

8 years ago

Kate it's great to be back

got this from a friend :)
8 years ago
A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the 
Afghanistan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he 
noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant 
why the camel is kept there. 
The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men 
here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. 
That's why we have Molly The Camel.' 
The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand 
about 'urges', so the camel can stay .' 
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. 
Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his 
tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the 
ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. 
When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?' 'No 
not really, sir...They usually just ride the camel into town where the 
girls are.........' 

8 years ago

LOL Cissy, that is so funny!

BTW, it's great to see you back on Care2

8 years ago
An 80-year-old man went for a physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.

At the follow-up visit, the doctor said, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?" 
George replied, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light in the bathroom goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off." 
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor said. 
A little later in the day, the doctor called George's wife.

"Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, the light goes off?" 
"Oh, for heaven’s sake!" Ethel cried. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!" 
8 years ago
Sans titre.bmp
8 years ago
8 years ago
8 years ago
so true, Kate!! My kitties are great at staring at me or my guests in a most strange way... unblinking... with great attention. Sometimes they want nothing, they just keep an eye. I'm used to it but some guests find it a tad bit unnerving...
For your cat: Why Do We Need Humans?
8 years ago
I love the bunk bed joke

I found this on the ROFL group boards, it's a bit long, but worth a read.

So you've decided to get yourself a human
being. In doing so, you've joined the millions of other cats who have
acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be
any number of times, during the course of your association with humans,
when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your

What's so great about humans, anyway? Why not
just hang around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have
struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually
rather simple:


Which makes them the perfect tools for such
tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing
television stations and other activities that we, despite our other
obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves. True, chimps,
orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere
as easy to train.

2. How and When to Get Your Human's Attention

Humans often erroneously assume that there
are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate
needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families
or even sleeping.

Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you
can make this work to your advantage by pestering your human at the
moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do
whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not
coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice.

Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you want:

Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a
human has paper in front of it, chances are good it's something they
assume is more important than you. They will often offer you a snack to
lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at
every opportunity. This practice also works well with computer
keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children.

Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's
"golden time" is between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at
your human's sleeping face during this time, you have a better than
even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly
what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get
their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human
from getting suspicious.

3. Punishing Your Human Being

Sometimes, despite your best training
efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In
these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious
punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants,
are likely to backfire; the unsophisticated humans are likely to
misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we
offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:

* Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.

* Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic interlude.

* Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack.

* After your human has watched a particularly
disturbing horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back
away, hissing and yowling.

* While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.

4. Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?

The cat world is divided over the etiquette
of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently
disembowelled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts
already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring
cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and playful
movements in picking the creatures up after they've been presented.

After much consideration of the human psyche,
we recommend the following: cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs,
lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should be
presented dead, while warm blooded animals (birds, rodents, your
neighbour's Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see the
expression on your human's face, you'll know it's worth it.

5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human?

You are only obligated to your human for one
of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and
matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are
worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect?
They're humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.

8 years ago

oh like a little hedgehog

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. "
It’s called sexual intercourse, darling," she replied.Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called BUNK BEDS! And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you."

8 years ago
LOL @ all the new funnies

8 years ago
Recieved via email...

Some people have the misconception that cats never have to be bathed, that somehow they "lick" themselves clean. Well contrary to this popular belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their saliva that resembles Tide (with or without bleach).

Cats, like their nemesis, the get dirty and have a variety of odors...from smelling like the outhouse where you camped last year to the same odor as your dog's breath. (Remember...your dog will try to eat anything.) Now we all know that cats HATE water. And we know that giving the cat a sedative to ease this process of a bath is out of the question.

So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct. Remember now, this is not the dumb dog who can be led to tub with lies and a trail of Kibbles and Bits.

Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and total lack of concern for have the advantage of size, strength, and the ability to wear protective garments.

First...dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and welders gloves.

A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with a shower
curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about 3.5 seconds.

Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area beforehand.

No...blow drying the cat after the bath is not suggested.

Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you still need to find the cat. Position everything strategically in the shower, so you can reach it even if you are face down or prone in the tub.

Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up, nonchalantly as if you were simply carrying him/her to the supper dish. No need to worry about the cat noticing your strange attire...the cat barely notices you anyway.

Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom...speed is essential.

In one single liquid motion...shut the door to the bathroom, step into the shower, close the sliding doors, and drop the cat into the water. While the cat is still in a state of shock, locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of him is above the water line.

You have just begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Remember that cats have no handles and add the fact that he now has soapy fur. His state of shock has worn off and he's madder than a wet hornet.

At best, you can, wearing welder's gloves. Try to field his body as he catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If possible, give another squirt of Kitty Bubbles with his body now fully exposed.

During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing. As he slides down the glass enclosure into the tub, he will fall back into the water, rinsing himself in the process.

Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The cat will realize the lack of traction on the glass by then and will use the next attempt on the first available part of you.

Next, the cat must be dried. No...this is NOT the easiest part.

By this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just become semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. We suggest here that you drain the tub
and in full view of your cat...reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.

If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your leg and hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this view of the cat is most disgusting, he will be in a much better position for wrapping the towel around him.

Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in towel before opening tub enclosure. Open bathroom door... Put towel wrapped cat on floor and step back quickly into tub. If possible, and do not open enclosure until all you can see is the shredded towel.

In about 2 will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small hedgehog while plotting revenge.
8 years ago

oops This is why I love to sit by the aisle on a plane

here's another...

Please excuse the rough language in the following story...
I would have deleted them, but the story wouldn't be the same.


A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful!
So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as
we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language --
things I'd never heard before! I mean all these awful 4-letter words!
You've got to take me home...PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "Calm down! You need
to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell
me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter,
"I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful!

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.
Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama...he used words
like dust, wash, iron, and cook."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

here's 1
8 years ago
8 years ago
I think we sorted that out now. Thanx to Cissy for the fantastic research work! and all the other input.
Now lets have some FUNNIES!!!
LOVED the surrealist joke BTW

8 years ago

I agree, it has gone off topic however I will just reply to Pauline's last post.

Pauline, You feel hurt, misjudged, misrepresented and find a need to justify yourself . . . . good. Now perhaps You have an inkling of the feelings this kind of 'humour' produces. Imagine if these judgements and feelings were projected not only on You but on your family, friends and your whole race and culture.

These days the term 'cool' is used as a compliment, however it's roots (and consequences) come from an adopted attitude of protection and defense because a race of people were hurt, misjudged and misrepresented. 'Warm' is far more comfortable.

And . . . . who said I was a scouser?

8 years ago

no, that is funny

here's another...

Sex and reincarnation...

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.

Their biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact."Mary... Mary..."

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning. I have sex. I have breakfast. I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, I have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again!"

"Oh Fred, you surely must be in heaven."


"Not exactly ... I'm a rabbit in Essex."

8 years ago
This thread is entitled 'Funnies', but it seems to have gone somewhat off topic, so here is a joke.

Q. How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Fish

OK, it's not a very good joke I'll get my coat . . .
8 years ago
It makes sense that it could be American - some of the language used didn't sound particuarly British. For example the use of the word 'welfare', that isn't something we really say over here.

It also makes sense that it came from such a despicable source because people like that would not only find it funny, but know the damage it could do when circulated.
8 years ago
"Kate, if the government wanted a more effective housing policy the thousands of empty properties in Liverpool (and other cities) would be filled."

I agree! Of course, that won't happen though, instead they will simply give the go ahead for new build schemes on flood plains.
Dolceastar C
8 years ago
Well now this is starting to get personal, Ive apologized both on this topic and the goodbye topic, what more do you want blood. Maybe I made a mistake that was up to the group to decide. Ive been accused of being racist, which could'nt be further from the truth, I've been living in the West Indies for 13 years now, all my friends are West Indian including my son in law who I love dearly. My Grandson is half West Indian who is the apple of my eye. I teach English to both West Indien adults and children alike, (I have 40 pupils) free of charge what else can I say. But Dolceastar to make a snide remark as you did about Bernard Manning, that was well below the belt. Its easy to say things to hurt people on line but that was never my intention, but you went out to hurt me. Are you sure you're a scouser? makes me wonder! I can't critisize your sense of humour as you've never bother'd comming on to the Funnies topic  before, I wonder why???
8 years ago

'I've never offended anyone in my life' . . . . well Pauline, You have now!

Jane writes . . . . EXTREMELY OFFENSIVE

8 years ago

Kate, if the government wanted a more effective housing policy the thousands of empty properties in Liverpool (and other cities) would be filled.

8 years ago

Yes, I remember hearing the NF version of the '60's. It was set to 'Island in the Sun', not the 'Banana Boat Song'. Equally vomit inducing.

As for 'British sense of humour'. Well, if Bernard Manning is your bag . . . .

8 years ago

This is really interesting:

Because I thought this was such a charming poem, I did some research.  From this British site, I learned something about its history.


"Illegal" of "Immigrant's Ode" is, on the face of it, a nasty racist poem which has been in circulation for at least a decade.

The first version I saw was Xerox-lore i.e. photocopied and passed on. I can't recall the date, but it was many years ago and targeted Asian immigrants entering Britain. The 1980s were full of anti-Asian "jokes" and Xerox-lore such as this spread quickly. In the 1980s I worked in an Estate Agent's office (in "real estate" in American parlance) and worked with some extreme xenophobes who collected and circulated such items; this was possibly when I first saw the "Immigrant's Ode". According to older friends, its pedigree history goes back even further, with a version aimed at West Indian immigrants into Britain and possibly sung to the "Banana Boat Song".

The most common version on the Internet these days, seems to be this American version dated 1993. This is probably because the USA dominates the Internet and because the poem landed some politician in a lot of trouble when he circulated it as a "joke". It was reproduced in part or in full in a number of reports. The target in this case was Mexico, reflecting the problem of illegal immigrants crossing the border in the USA. The verse is written in a stereotyped pidgin English style. 
According to some American friends, it is far from accurate since America lacks a welfare state akin to that in Britain. [...]

More recently a version has cropped up in the USA referring to Pakistan, and the same version also appears with Australia and Canada being the country receiving the immigrants.

So, the poem started in Britain, and was aimed at West Indians, and then Asians, who supposedly got rich on the state dole.  When it came to America, it was about Mexican illegal aliens. (A version which was printed in the Danville, CA Valley Citizen in 2002, resulting in numerous complaints, includes lines like: "Everything is mucho good, And soon we own the neighborhood," and "If they no like us, they can go, Got lots of room in Mexico!")  And now that we're at war with terra, the illegal aliens are from Pakistan.  It's interesting to see the shifting sands of bigotry in action.

more here


So, how did the poem get from England to America? There's an interesting claim at the message board at the Stormfront White Nationalist Community (where white supremicists can get together to chat about racial purity and such), from a poster who calls himself "FreeMyPeople":

I originally edited that from a British version and sent it through cyberspace. I feel somewhat famous now, its everywhere. hehe 

I wonder if those forwarding the emailed poem know that the "chain" was allegedly started by a white supremicist.  (Who, interestingly enough, is supporting Constitutional candidate Michael Peroutka, the guy also endorsed by the League of the South.)

8 years ago
from the site: there are American, Australian and British versions... Apparently an earlier version targeted West Indian immigrants to Britain and was sung to the tune of the "Banana Boat Song".
8 years ago
Oh btw, I was checking out some virus data at Snopes, and came across the very same poem... Only it talks about American taxpayers there, and has some slight alterations. See link

This post was modified from its original form on 08 Feb, 12:25
8 years ago
That's true, Kate
8 years ago
"Immigrants and refugees are housed in a certain area, in certain buildings, as if they were a contagious disease, needed to be kept at bay, in a definite place. Some areas in cities are mainly inhabited by people from abroad, and that is not the right way to go about it"

Yes, for decades immigrants were treated the same in UK, stuck in ghettos in areas no one would really choose to live in. I remember when I was at school in the '80s a number of families of Caribbean and Indian origin moved out of the nastier parts of Birmingham to Stratford (where I grew up) and they had been living in really awful places, damp, dirty buildings, high crime, a lot of harassment from both landlords and locals. I suppose the current policy of housing people across the country, rather than in certain areas (out of sight and mind) is an attempt to change that, which is a good thing.

I do worry though that while the idea is good, the implementation is flawed. Housing should be awarded on the basis of need, although that logic fails because there simply aren't enough affordable homes. Even here, in what was once a really cheap place to live, house prices, and private rents have risen to ridiculous levels. In my opinion, the government need to find a way to provide proper, low cost homes for everyone who needs one (without building on green belt sites), not introduce silly systems that do little more than annoy all the people who feel they are being left out.

The sad thing is, I do think that left alone, people tend to find ways to get along. Contrary to the stereotype, Yorkshire people aren't all knuckle-dragging boneheads, and in this small corner there have been immigrants living quite happily for generations. Most came in the 50s and 60s to work in the mines from all over the Commonwealth as well as from the parts of eastern Europe which came under Communist rule. Over the years they have suffered the highs and lows of that industry along with their more established neighbours and most people would find it quite strange if anyone suggested they were in some way 'other'.

I suppose what I am saying, is that along with a more effective housing policy, the government should stop trying to engineer community relations. No one can force people to get along, and they more they try, the worse they make things.

8 years ago

I think this same issue of housing is a reality in many rich Western countries... It's the same here in Finland. Immigrants and refugees are housed in a certain area, in certain buildings, as if they were a contagious disease, needed to be kept at bay, in a definite place. Some areas in cities are mainly inhabited by people from abroad, and that is not the right way to go about it, but, well, needless to say, this is a difficult topic. There's talk of accepting people with certain professions, or those who have a certain education or degree here, and leaving the others out in the cold. Many people are racist, but the fact remains that the conditions in many of the countries these people come from are abhorrent. And looking back on history, colonialism has enabled people from the former Commonwealth countries to move to the U.K., and is also partly to blame for the conditions that make those people wish to leave their home.

I believe this is reality in many rich European countries, as well as in the U.S. It's a complex moral dilemma and like all difficult issues, it causes all kinds of emotions... Sometimes humour makes these things easier to handle, but, well... It's a global problem, and I can't see an easy solution to it.

Dolceanstar C.
8 years ago
Of course in some areas there are housing shortages due to a high number of second homes, I used to live in such a place in the Cotswolds, it was dead during the week because 90% of the houses were owned by 'weekenders'. But this is not true for the village I now live in. It's a former mining village in the north of England. Definitely not the sort of place that people would choose as a location for weekend cottages, and the idea that houses are being reserved for immigrants is not mine, it is, apparently, government policy. I do feel that keeping a dozen houses empty in such a small place is overkill - the local council estate only consists of one short road and a couple of side-lanes. At any given time only one or two of these reserved properties are occupied, which suggests that the figure is too high. Three or four would be more appropriate. 

As I said in my previous post, I do not hold immigrants responsible for this, how could I? They have no sway over the policies of a country they have only recently arrived in. The problem lies with well meaning officials who think they are acting correctly, and who probably genuinely wish to make the transistion to a whole new society easier for people from overseas, but, as the saying goes: the road to hell is paved with good intentions. By appearing to favour one group of people over another they are in fact increasing divisions and making it less likely that immigrants will be accepted in their adopted homes.

Someone who complains about being denied access to services which they genuinely need is not a racist, nor is it racist to ask why houses are standing empty (for years at a time) when 100 yards away a family are being made homeless.

8 years ago
Thank you Rose, I was starting to loose faith in the famous British humour. I've never offended anyone in my life,  and us British have always been able to laugh at ourselves, and as far as racism is concerned if the poem was read in the right text it was in fact laughing at the government. I'm amazed at the reaction that I caused. One good thing it has done it brought a lot more posts for the group in a long time.
8 years ago

All these justifications are meaningless. Schools keeping sexual assault quiet because of a blow to their reputation, or income, was going on when I was a child and race was not an element. Housing . . . one could equally say that there is a shortage of housing in some communities because of high earners buying second homes. There is no justification in turning it into a race issue.

How many Germans of the 1930's found jokes about the 'meaness' of Jews humourous and 'true'?

8 years ago

I think its very sad that this thing was blown out of proportion..Are we no longer allowed to have a little giggle because we might offend someone, HAVE ALL THE BRITISH PEOPLE LOST THEIR SENSE OF HUMOUR...God, if thats the case we might as well put a zip on our mouths and lock ourselves away in the house in case we do or say the wrong thing..This word racist is now used against everything possible..It seems we have lost our rights to have a laugh have opinions or our say in what we think or feel ... A joke!!!

8 years ago
I was going to vote for it's removal, but I see it has already gone.

However, I can see your point Chris - a couple of years ago I discovered that our local council are obliged to keep a specific number of council houses empty in case any immigrant families need them. In our village, 12 are set aside, which seems a lot for such a small place. A friend of mine who has three young children needed to be rehoused urgently because the landlord of her privately rented house fell ill while abroad and needed to return to the house she was renting. When she applied to the council for help, she was told she could not have one of these empty houses and would have to wait for another to become available. As a result she spent about 8 months living with her children in her mothers OAP bungalow. I'm not blaming immigrants for her situation, but, I can understand why such policies cause resentment.

In addition, my mother's family came here in the days when it was common to see notices outside flats/houses for rent which said 'no Irish, no Blacks, no dogs'. That generation had to work hard to make a place for themselves in British society, but most were successful. It does no one any favours when the government, local councils etc. appear to make life easy for newcomers at the expense of the existing population.
8 years ago


Well I was born in Zambia, but lived most of my life in England as I do now, and I am not racist but I realise that we are all in titled to our own opinion, as long as it doesn’t lead to any living thing being hurt, so if anyone wants to call me a racist  because I have a sense of humour let them, it’s no worse then being called a terrorist because I campaign for animal rights, but I have also campaigned against racism, so call me what you want, but I know immigrants that find this poem funny….I vote Leave it!


8 years ago

OK, the majority say to remove it, so I will, though like others I know that some of this is true, I was looking to enroll on a college course when an immigrant, recently arrived in the UK, before me was OK'ed for free education, and financial support whilst working.

As a sideline, when I was at college and a friend of mine was sexually assaulted by a foreign student, one that came from a country where women were 2nd class citizens.  She reported it to college staff, worried about the safety of other female students.  She was told they would do nothing at all, and strongly discouraged her from reporting it to the police as these students' fees were paid for by a third party, the income of which was extremely important to the college...more important it seemed, than the safety of female British students.  Since then, although I have known immigrants who are good upstanding members of the community, there are others who give immigrants a bad name, and I expect that is the same whichever country you go to.

8 years ago

Come on! Would You have a vote on whether or not to keep a disease?

8 years ago

off with its head...please remove

i think anyone who found this funny and thinks that they are not racist are sadly removed from any truth...

as an aside...the britains...derived from the britons...a multiple tribe of immigrant invaders...ironic isnt it...

8 years ago

I don't know if my vote counts as I'm a Finn... but:


Lets be democratic here
8 years ago
If you want the poem removed vote for it.
8 years ago
8 years ago
I agree with Tracy, it is probably written by a NF/BNP supporter. I imagine that this kind of insidious racist garbage was a prelude to every holocaust there's ever been. Anyone furthering crap like this as humour needs to learn how to join the dots. It's not funny.
8 years ago

well, I'm not British... so I probably shouldn't say anything. I see the funny side but I see the dark side too. My country Finland has one of the best social security systems and many people claim that refugees and immigrants only move here to take advantage of the welfare and the free healthcare we have. However... many times the immigrants and the refugees do jobs that Finns refuse to do, being cleaners, bus drivers, etc. Some folks who have trained to be a doctor, but are from outside of the EU, end up being garbage men.

The global inequality is a fact, and I feel lucky to have been born in this country with heavy taxes etc and not somewhere such as Afghanistan. Btw, I can really recommend the book Thousand Splendid Suns about the life of the Afghan women, by Khaled Hosseini. I have lived in the U.K. in the past and the cultural mosaic in London was absolutely wonderful, I loved it.

Also, racism is a sad fact everywhere in the world too, and while some people can read a poem such as that as something funny, or a joke, others use it as fuel for violence against the immigrants.

However... not wanting to be a spoilsport (especially as I'm not British)...


8 years ago

Pauline...I am not offended by your poem at all, it made me laugh and it is the reality in the UK, our tiny little country, which is hugely overpopulated anyway ..Some just cant or wont see the funny side of the reality ..

I will not say any more, but could very easily..

8 years ago
I was an E.O. in the Liverpool DHSS for many years, in fact the poem was sent by an old colleague of mine from one of our London offices. Maybe thats why I find this poem so funny, its not supposed to be offensive to either parties, just fact. I will accept any criticism of my humour with a smile on my face, while laying by my pool with an ice cold beer, and the beautiful Caribbean sun. CHEERS Everybody.
8 years ago
Hmmm...well, to be totally honest, the only thing offensive about the "funny" was that well over 50% of it is true and this "New Labour" government (government?? ...LOL!!) has let it all deteriorate into an outright farce!!
I live within easy travelling distance form a large RORO port, and I have seen them for myself at a truck stop not far from that port....many people leaving from the back and sometimes sides of trucks. I have also been in my local pensions office where they they are not only given a cheque to cash, but also a registration card with a NI number so that they can seek work....YES, THATS RIGHT, I'VE SEEN IT!! Some speak a little English or more often better French, and I have spoken to a few of these as they leave...they confirmed it!!
I have seen many on the buses with FREE travel bus passes and stood in the Post Office Q as some cash their cheques (they are known to me as they live on and around nearby farms) and their reward makes my pension look feeble in comparison.

The immigration (illegal & legal) has got out of control, and alas, I have every fear that the famous speech from Enoch Powell will become reality in my life time.
8 years ago

I'm not racist in any way at all but I still found it funny  

8 years ago
i am a real brit...with a very stiff upper lip...but i am offended the british are represented with this sounds like a NF or BNP joke...very tasteless
8 years ago
I am very sorry Jane if this poem offended you. It was sent to me by a very dear Arab friend of mine from London, and I thought it was so funny. Has the British humour changed so much since I left England? I would love to hear from other group members on this subject.
8 years ago


Please delete it at once!!!

9 years ago
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9 years ago

"Wha.. !?" Am too busy right now, call again later.

....Greetings to members.

9 years ago
Gordon the Chicken

Trevor the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.  Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.The farmer's  favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Gordon's bell hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to farmer Trevor's amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to  the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Gordon, he entered him in the West Berks County Fair and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. 

Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: Who else but a  politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Do you know a Pullitician called Gordon?
9 years ago
M"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>
9 years ago
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to
their passengers...
 1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a Security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now:  'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall...'."
  5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".
 6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

 8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (pause) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."
9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."
   10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."
12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
 13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (pause) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (pause) "This is a personal  message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs awayfrom the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!"
14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage." 



9 years ago
1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph) 

2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)
3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
 5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'" Bournemouth Evening Echo)

9 years ago

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9 years ago
Morning Humbug!
9 years ago
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9 years ago
Brilliant Alf
This made me laff
9 years ago
9 years ago
Rofl, that was good!
9 years ago
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9 years ago
Alf that was brilliant, I'll never look at tin-tin in the same light.
XXXXXX no children please
9 years ago

Warning if you're offended by strong language DO NOT WATCH!!

Boro Tintin


9 years ago
 Love them!
Got this today from my mate Phyllis
9 years ago
The Innocence of Childhood


I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a  woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"


A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."


A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"


While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"


It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"


While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.  She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,  particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"


A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just
wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"


A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear".

9 years ago
very good lol
Nice on
9 years ago
9 years ago

Love the alcohol one.... so true!

very funny
12 years ago
even if you haven't consumed alcohol.
12 years ago
found it very good made me laugh,and i appologise in advance if i do not post often as i am in a few other groups and also suffer from an illness and try to get on the groups when i can in turn.
That is funny!
12 years ago
Thank you seaspirit I posted it in my group I thought it was a giggle!!
12 years ago
did anyone see this...thougthi it was funny Liquor Control Commission Warnings NOTE: Due to increasing product liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that one or more of the following warning labels be placed immediately on all containers: WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to THINK you can sing. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really DYING for you to telephone them at four in the morning. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

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