For starters I answer to the name Ken and some other names that don't fit to well in these posts. Turning my grief into joy probably starting hitting me before the ones I remember but the first one was my father in 1983. He was 87 years in age; I thought it wouldn't bother me that much yet I found he was still my father that I wouldn't have him to turn to any more. In a spiritual sense I put a higher father into my thoughts to fill the void.
Then the following year, Jan. 8th, 1984 the worst pain I've ever endured in my life occurred. My youngest daughter took her own life. She had been suicidal since age 12 when she became victim to school bulling so for seven years I recieved an education in trying to convince another human to live. I believe it had been a lesson in learning to love, one that truely left me with a lot of internal strength. From this I've been in Toastmasters to learn public speaking and am currently working on composing a book from many different writings I have from that time period. I've also learned quite a bit about leadership as I've been involved with singles back after that happened.
On Jan 10th, 2004 (almost the same date as our daughter's death) my ex-wife died of lung cancer. This really became a different kind of parting because we wrote back and forth for thirteen months. We had been divorced for 23 years and married for 21 years. For me this became time for her to make everything right before she passed on. I felt there was a special kind of beauty our parting that way.
So here's a brief introduction and if there are any questions, I'd be glad to answer. I've read a few posts but I sort of wonder if possibly others might consider introducing them selves. I think it's easier to share that way.
I admire your strenght and positive reactions to the losses you endured. Your example brings healing and encouragement. Thanks for sharing.
I seemed to be coping fairly well when most of my loved ones died, one at the time... Mom's passing was very hard to take... and so was Dad's... and my Aunt Ada's... but I was still young, healthy, working full time, and had a family of my own... It was enough to keep my mind occupied. What left me in complete shock was when my beloved husband Tony suddenly died, exactly a year ago. He was my best friend, my wonderful, handsome "prince". I'm still on medications for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and other ailments as a consequence of his passing. I'll stop here as I don't want to repeat myself... It seems to me that all I write about in this group is Tony! My apologies for that. But I consider it therapeutic and I've found a lot of support... I am also thankful that - through Care2 - I've made some close friends despite the distance! People like Ginger, Leslie, Daria, Novella, Giasemi, Barbara, Jen, Chris, Yogi... just to mention a few. Only those who have experienced deep grief can truly understand the desperation of the feeling and can find the strenght to cope with it, and possibly overcome it with time...
Glad to see you here Ken G... May 05, 2005 7:23 AM
Glad to see you here Ken G...I think you have joined a decent group of lovely souls who remain connected via sorrow trails. I think our sorrow paths change us all and keep on changing us in our daily journey of life. It surely has mine. When first in the deep pits of it I wasn't grateful for it at all and there are some days when I am not still but for the majority I would have to say that somewhere in there lies a blessings and lesson I am still learning from. Feel free to start a thread or posting and please feel free to vent whenever. And speak of your loved one often and openly and freely. We are all here to listen and not judge. I am blessed that you are here and my good man you have walked a serious sorrow trail and I think you will find several good souls in here that have lost daughters/sons like yourself. They are good men and women. Above all else thank you for sharing your story Ken G., and I bid you an unexpected sign from your loved ones today.
Guiliana, my dear, you are more than welcomed to speak of your loved one, Tony and everybody else you have lost no matter how you may think you are over doing it with others. It is not like that here. Speak away of your loved ones. Let it flow freely. And may your Tony bless you with some unexpected sign from him today Guiliana. much love your way, ---ginger
I second Ginger's post, Giuliana. People in this group feel similiar loss and have a better understanding of what you could be feeling. To me it's really necessary. In my own life that pain I compared to getting a physical wound. If it's not allowed to drain they become infected and get worse. I used notebooks as journals so I could put my thoughts down when I couldn't find somebody to share with.
Sometimes when I least expected it what I went through seemed to strengthen me. Somebody might say something or being having a hard time with life. I 'd just say something because of what I went through and be amazed that I was capable of even saying it. Then I'd wonder if maybe going through my loss served a higher purpose.
Thanks Ken for your pearls of wisdom... May 06, 2005 6:26 AM
Thanks Ken for your pearls of wisdom...I keep a dream journal and continue to write down unexplainable incidents/signs that happened after my niece's passing and still do to this day. Those signs give me hope beyond belief and can almost always take the edge off my intense feelings of loss when they happen. ---ginger
[ send green star]
hi Ken, nice to meet you dear. I admire your strength in living through the many sorrows you have faced.
I am Novella, Oct 8, 2002, my younger sister, my best friend, slipped out of her ravaged body and crossed. She was nearing her 5 year marker cancer free of breast cancer, when in June, was diagnosed with it having returned in her liver and bone marrow. It was a speeding train at that point, and we knew that there was no stopping it. We had the blessing of the knowledge, and from June til Oct...spent what we knew was our last bit of time together here.
This path I walk without her now is hard. some days I pick up my knapsack and look at the steep hills and stones in the path, and think I cannot walk it another day. Some days, I find myself in cool and green valleys with soft grass under my feet. I continue to walk no matter what, though...for I have found that even in the most arduous days...there are lessons there that I am meant to learn. And, for me, it is a true blessing that I have found this group that companions each other as we walk, for I know that there is always a hand to hold when the path gets dark.
Thanks, Ken. Do you have any readings to recommend? You're strong and wise.
I definitely think that each one of us has a mission to accomplish... My Tony's task was to give sound advice and help people. He always had a good word for everybody. even complete strangers. When I met him, I was going through some difficult times... Well, he managed to solve all of my problems and make me happy. Just when we were beginning to enjoy life together (to the fullest!), he died! And now nothing makes sense to me without him. I guess my soul still has to evolve because I don't understand what is required of me?!