First of all, welcome to our group and thanks for joining us!
Sorry to hear about your pregnancy.† It wasn't the first time, was it?† Did organic problems cause it?† Or was it psychological too?† Do you have any other children?I am asking you this to see which issue we should address first...† In any case, I believe that your unborn babies are all in Heaven, waiting for you.† They will recognize you when your time comes.† And they will also protect you from above.† It would bring you some comfort to light one big, white candle for them once a week and say a prayer for them.† It's a simple ritual that will make them realize their Mom hasn't forgotten them.
Please, Melody, if it is alright with you. do give me some additional information and I'll see what I can do to make you accept these losses...
This is a loving, caring group that will help you on any way that we can.† If you are comfortable sharing any of your story on the group list, please feel free to do so.† If I can offer help individually, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.† Being a male, i cannot truly understand what your loss is - but I do understand loss and the reaction it has on a person.† IAfter our daughter was killed, i took me over three years to feel that I was anywhere close to who and what†I was before...
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I know exactly what it is like to miscarry, as I have had that sad experience myself more than once. These little souls were not ready to come to our earth, but I believe they are definitely waiting for us.
This group is a wonderful, safe place to share your pain and grief. Everyone here has felt great loss in our lives. These are loving and kind people here, willing to help you through.
I'm 31, I've on my 3rd husband. I have one child (living) from each of my first two husbands.
I lost one pg with husband one. I lost two pg with husband two.
This time, on Monday of last week we found me pg even though I have PCOS and have had no period since August.
Tuesday (26 hours later) they said the ultrasound couldn't find a heartbeat at 8wks. They said a 90% chance of (I LOVE this heart warming term) "fetal demise" but to repeat the HcG on Friday. They said if the levels didn't drop then things should be ok.
We did the levels on Friday - found out the levels went up so once again we planned for a baby (second day in a week they fuc*ed with our hope). Yesterday the OB/Genetisist says the baby died over a week ago at 8wks 3days but seemed fully formed (we saw it on both ultrasounds - a tiny, perfect, peaceful baby, not just a line on a pg test). He said the HcG levels will KEEP going up as long as the Placenta is healthy which could be weeks to months and said he was sorry the previous Dr was short sighted enough to offer such huge false hope.
He said because I've lost at least one baby with each husband and none of them showed abnormalities that there is likely a genetic/DNA issue within my body and I should do genetic testing before risking another pregnancy.
They don't offer D&C for "missed miscarriages" here in Reno if you don't have insurance but I was able to convince this Dr to do it ($7000 +) and bill me afterward so I no longer have to be a walking grave. (The baby, he said, won't miscarry on it's own for some reason)
I have the D&C/E tonight. My husband had always held on to the false hope that bas*ard Dr gave us and is beyond devistated. I'm beyond depressed and hopeless as I've killed FOUR babies now. I don't want to go on, I don't want to try again, I don't want to ever risk facing this gut wrenching pain but my husband so desperately wants a child of his own (he is only 26 and the last of his family name) so he is trying so very hard to convince me that I can get through this and try again
We are both handling this via EXTREME anger and last night we almost came to blows from our fighting. Our hurt (we are both bi-polar and have borderline personality disorder and I have PTSD) doesn't express itself like normal so we are now having to try to hold our marriage together at the same time as dealing with this horriblly mismannaged loss.
My 4 yr old can't understand why the house is sad and angry - he is bouncing off the walls wanting attention and things to return to normal. I havn't had the heart to tell my 13 yr old daughter anything either.
I have no family or friends (literally) to turn to and neither does my husband.
I dont' know which is killing me more, my grief or my guilt.
I've heard all the "It's not your fault" and "There is nothing you could have done" but since it is something genetic within me those statements aren't entirely true.
Now I know that I can't have sex with my husband without dual birth control until I can (yeah right) afford genetic testing first to see if I'll ever be able to sustain a pg before I'm 35 and the risks of having a baby at that age get too high for me to take.
I can't put into words how much different and more painful it is this time since we saw that perfect and beautiful baby on that ultrasound screen. Knowing we'll never get to touch him or bury him or see him grow.
I'm not religious, I can't think coherently right now, but I wrote this as part of a "poem" to the baby the other day (before we knew for certain that we'd lost him) and I'd like to put it here if that is ok.........I'll post it below. It is disjointed and doesn't make sense but it captured some of my feelings.
Thank you for sharing your pain February 08, 2006 1:09 PM
Melody, thank you for sharing your pain and grief.† YOur poem is beautiful, just as it is, and lets the world and the "spirit child" know how much you love.† My prayers will be with you tonight during your procedure, and on an ongoing basis.† Please know that you did not "kill" the babies....that is putting guilt on yourself that is unnecessary.† My suggestion is that you find a place by yourself to scream, cry, beat on the wall/some inanimate object, vent your frustration and whatever else you feel the need for - then go back, take care of the two children still given to your care and love and try to deal with your husband fairly.† Each of you need to deal with this loss in your own way, and nobody else can tell you how you each should feel.† Be tolerant of the moods and the need to be alone.† Do not accept any blame or abuse, even if you think he if just venting.† As difficult a time as it is, he has to also recognize the validity of your feelings.
As for his wanting a child to continue his family or bloodline, that is a male thing and somewhat selfish.† My faughter was my only child, so my family's bloodline will die with me.† Fortunately, I believe that friends are family that you choose, so Laurel will continue to live when my wife and I die, as will we through the memories and minds of our friends and their friends.
I went on a major journey into philosphy and spiritual subjects after Laurel was killed, and found a number of books, etc., that spoke to me and eased my pain.† (Nothing can eliminate it - it never goes away, but you find ways to deal with it and continue functioning-)†† Everybody, however,†must walk their own path.
Melody, your poem is so very beautiful, very moving. It really spoke to me and stirred up memories...
Oh sweetie, please do as Tim suggests and find a safe place to scream and cry and let it out. It may take more than once, but each time will bring a little relief. Then go hold your precious children and do let them know what's happened. They may amaze you with their insight and will certainly be better able to help out.
You didn't create your genes, so don't shoulder that extra burden. And you have had successful pregnancies, yes?
My thoughts and prayers will also be with you tonight and in the days to come.