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WELCOME NEW MEMBERS January 23, 2006 4:18 PM

It just occurred to me that this group does not have either a topic for "Welcome" or "Happy Birthday", so I decided to create both!

WELCOME New Members, please introduce yourselves!

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Hello Princess January 24, 2006 3:54 PM

Good you made it so here I am sith my thanksgiving ... looks good here...  [ send green star]
 January 25, 2006 2:16 PM

Dear Francois,

Thanks for accepting my invitation and † to the group!† Hugs,

Giuliana aka Princess Little Rock

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Hello February 07, 2006 11:04 PM

Please tell me, I've lost another pregnancy in a harsh way and am looking to share my loss and find help in moving through the stages of grief.

Is this something your group would be willing to take on?


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Dear Melody, February 08, 2006 6:08 AM

First of all, welcome to our group and thanks for joining us!

Sorry to hear about your pregnancy.† It wasn't the first time, was it?† Did organic problems cause it?† Or was it psychological too?† Do you have any other children?I am asking you this to see which issue we should address first...† In any case, I believe that your unborn babies are all in Heaven, waiting for you.† They will recognize you when your time comes.† And they will also protect you from above.† It would bring you some comfort to light one big, white candle for them once a week and say a prayer for them.† It's a simple ritual that will make them realize their Mom hasn't forgotten them.

Please, Melody, if it is alright with you. do give me some additional information and I'll see what I can do to make you accept these losses...

Hugs and blessings,

Giuliana aka Princess Little Rock

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Melody February 08, 2006 6:22 AM

This is a loving, caring group that will help you on any way that we can.† If you are comfortable sharing any of your story on the group list, please feel free to do so.† If I can offer help individually, please email me at† Being a male, i cannot truly understand what your loss is - but I do understand loss and the reaction it has on a person.† IAfter our daughter was killed, i took me over three years to feel that I was anywhere close to who and what†I was before...

Take care.

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((((Melody)))) February 08, 2006 12:06 PM

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I know exactly what it is like to miscarry, as I have had that sad experience myself more than once. These little souls were not ready to come to our earth, but I believe they are definitely waiting for us.

This group is a wonderful, safe place to share your pain and grief. Everyone here has felt great loss in our lives. These are loving and kind people here, willing to help you through.

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 February 08, 2006 12:41 PM

Thank you all for welcoming me to your group.

I'm 31, I've on my 3rd husband. I have one child (living) from each of my first two husbands.

I lost one pg with husband one. I lost two pg with husband two.

This time, on Monday of last week we found me pg even though I have PCOS and have had no period since August.

Tuesday (26 hours later) they said the ultrasound couldn't find a heartbeat at 8wks. They said a 90% chance of (I LOVE this heart warming term) "fetal demise" but to repeat the HcG on Friday. They said if the levels didn't drop then things should be ok.

We did the levels on Friday - found out the levels went up so once again we planned for a baby (second day in a week they fuc*ed with our hope). Yesterday the OB/Genetisist says the baby died over a week ago at 8wks 3days but seemed fully formed (we saw it on both ultrasounds - a tiny, perfect, peaceful baby, not just a line on a pg test). He said the HcG levels will KEEP going up as long as the Placenta is healthy which could be weeks to months and said he was sorry the previous Dr was short sighted enough to offer such huge false hope.

He said because I've lost at least one baby with each husband and none of them showed abnormalities that there is likely a genetic/DNA issue within my body and I should do genetic testing before risking another pregnancy.

They don't offer D&C for "missed miscarriages" here in Reno if you don't have insurance but I was able to convince this Dr to do it ($7000 +) and bill me afterward so I no longer have to be a walking grave. (The baby, he said, won't miscarry on it's own for some reason)

I have the D&C/E tonight. My husband had always held on to the false hope that bas*ard Dr gave us and is beyond devistated. I'm beyond depressed and hopeless as I've killed FOUR babies now. I don't want to go on, I don't want to try again, I don't want to ever risk facing this gut wrenching pain but my husband so desperately wants a child of his own (he is only 26 and the last of his family name) so he is trying so very hard to convince me that I can get through this and try again

We are both handling this via EXTREME anger and last night we almost came to blows from our fighting. Our hurt (we are both bi-polar and have borderline personality disorder and I have PTSD) doesn't express itself like normal so we are now having to try to hold our marriage together at the same time as dealing with this horriblly mismannaged loss.

My 4 yr old can't understand why the house is sad and angry - he is bouncing off the walls wanting attention and things to return to normal. I havn't had the heart to tell my 13 yr old daughter anything either.

I have no family or friends (literally) to turn to and neither does my husband.

I dont' know which is killing me more, my grief or my guilt.

I've heard all the "It's not your fault" and "There is nothing you could have done" but since it is something genetic within me those statements aren't entirely true.

Now I know that I can't have sex with my husband without dual birth control until I can (yeah right) afford genetic testing first to see if I'll ever be able to sustain a pg before I'm 35 and the risks of having a baby at that age get too high for me to take.

I can't put into words how much different and more painful it is this time since we saw that perfect and beautiful baby on that ultrasound screen. Knowing we'll never get to touch him or bury him or see him grow.

I'm not religious, I can't think coherently right now, but I wrote this as part of a "poem" to the baby the other day (before we knew for certain that we'd lost him) and I'd like to put it here if that is ok.........I'll post it below. It is disjointed and doesn't make sense but it captured some of my feelings.

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 February 08, 2006 12:42 PM

Iím sorry for so many things, my little one

Iím sorry I didnít get to know you sooner

Iím sorry I didnít get to know you longer

You came into my life in the flash of a second

You brought with you disbelief and unspeakable joy

You brought uncertainty and fear

You brought hope and dreams

26 hours later they told me the news

I will not get to see you grow

I will not get to show you to the world

Iíll never see you sigh or smile

That first smile, first tooth, first step Ė theyíve been denied me

26 hours I was your mother

26 hours you made hope spring back into my heart

26 hours wasnít long enough to appreciate you

To dream of who youíd become

To be thankful for who you would one day be

Scientists may say there will never be a way to know

But I tell you with my heart that you were a boy

A son who brought the sun into my life if only for a day

Iím so sorry that you will forever be my angel baby

Know though that you arenít alone

You have three of my other angel babies there by your side

Theyíll hold your hand as you all watch over me

Iíll see you in the sunís rays and feel you in the wind

Iíll love you forever even though my heart is broken

Part TWO to cfollow

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 February 08, 2006 12:42 PM

There is so much my heart needs to say

But the words just tumble out wrong

All I can say that makes any sense is that,

Even though the world will never see you

I love you and youíll always be my baby

I donít believe in heaven but Iíll make an exception today

My four angel babies will wait up there for me

Youíll be free from any pain or sorrow

Never will you cry

All youíll ever know is youth, love, and joy

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Thank you for sharing your pain February 08, 2006 1:09 PM

Melody, thank you for sharing your pain and grief.† YOur poem is beautiful, just as it is, and lets the world and the "spirit child" know how much you love.† My prayers will be with you tonight during your procedure, and on an ongoing basis.† Please know that you did not "kill" the babies....that is putting guilt on yourself that is unnecessary.† My suggestion is that you find a place by yourself to scream, cry, beat on the wall/some inanimate object, vent your frustration and whatever else you feel the need for - then go back, take care of the two children still given to your care and love and try to deal with your husband fairly.† Each of you need to deal with this loss in your own way, and nobody else can tell you how you each should feel.† Be tolerant of the moods and the need to be alone.† Do not accept any blame or abuse, even if you think he if just venting.† As difficult a time as it is, he has to also recognize the validity of your feelings.

As for his wanting a child to continue his family or bloodline, that is a male thing and somewhat selfish.† My faughter was my only child, so my family's bloodline will die with me.† Fortunately, I believe that friends are family that you choose, so Laurel will continue to live when my wife and I die, as will we through the memories and minds of our friends and their friends.

I went on a major journey into philosphy and spiritual subjects after Laurel was killed, and found a number of books, etc., that spoke to me and eased my pain.† (Nothing can eliminate it - it never goes away, but you find ways to deal with it and continue functioning-)†† Everybody, however,†must walk their own path.

We will be here to support you.

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 February 08, 2006 7:08 PM

Melody, your poem is so very beautiful, very moving. It really spoke to me and stirred up memories...

Oh sweetie, please do as Tim suggests and find a safe place to scream and cry and let it out. It may take more than once, but each time will bring a little relief. Then go hold your precious children and do let them know what's happened. They may amaze you with their insight and will certainly be better able to help out.

You didn't create your genes, so don't shoulder that extra burden. And you have had successful pregnancies, yes?

My thoughts and prayers will also be with you tonight and in the days to come.

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I am so grateful... February 19, 2006 9:47 AM

I am so grateful...That Guiliana and ALL are here and remain so and keep this lovely group ALIVE. Sending love, peace and blessings to one and all. ---ginger  [ send green star]
Its a fact March 06, 2006 10:51 PM

Just wanted to say helloIf you decide to be helpful and open, joy can take place in your heart if you want it.

I am an Indian married to a Lebanese and we have 2 boys 19 and 17 years old.

Tommorrow is Intl Women's Day and I want to wish all you ladies a Happy Day.

Nobody can make you feel† inferior without your permission. -Eleanor Roosevelt

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 March 07, 2006 4:57 PM

Thanks for joining us, Yvonne!

Happy International Women's Day to you too!†

Love and blessings,

Giuliana aka Princess Little Rock

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