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My Grandmother March 26, 2005 8:51 PM

I hope its ok to post this here because my grandmother isn't actally dead. About a year ago she had an aneurysm (bleeding in the brain) and she has lived in a somewhat vegatated state. She can breath on her own now, but she can't eat, she has to have a feeding tube. I was just thinking about how she has this picture of my great grandmother (her mother) when she was a child. We were going to get it restored for my grandmother, but then she had the aneurysm, and I guess we just forgot, but I don't know if she would even react to it. Some days she is a little more here then others. Somedays I wish she would have died, or that they never did the brain surgery so she wouldn't be trapped like she is now. Half here, half somewhere else, and thats on a good day. What really gets me is that I never really got to know her. I mean I saw her a lot but we never understood each other. She never tried to understand why I do the things I do, like camping, or being outside, or my love of animals. When she had the anuerysm, I was in a swamp in GA, having the time of my life, before I left I talked to her "Emily I just don't understand why you would want to go out to a swamp" I hate myself to this day and I havn't told anyone this but during my trip, I remember thinking, well that I wanted to write her out of my life. I was so mad that she just couldn't understand me. Never did. Never tried. But now I see I never tried to understand her either. I was just as bad, if not worse.

So I am sorry for taking up some of the endless internet space, but I was feeling pretty down tonigt, and just needed to vent. Thank you.

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Give yourself a break March 26, 2005 9:20 PM

Emily, lighten up on yourself and stop hating.  Everyone has the right to be themselves, find their own path, and learn to deal with others effectively.  Change what you can, accept what you cannot, and use your past as an education to creating a better future.  My grandmother died of Alzheimers; it is heartbreaking to see the person who you knew and loved change into a complete stranger who doesn't know their own loved ones.  It changes who they are mentally, but does not have to affect your love or caring for them.  As for not understanding your grandmother, why not make it a point to do so now, through your family's recollections and experiences?  Talking about favorite stories or the person's history can be cathartic, and will help you to know more about why she was as she was.  From experience, I can tell you that you seldom regret the things you do (like going on your swamp trip), but often regret the things you don't do.  Your not going on the trip would not have changed what happened, and it was something you wanted to do for yourself.

I well know the hurt and pain that comes with family medical issues and tragedies.  If it helps, please feel free to vent or write to me at  Take care.

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Dear Emily, March 27, 2005 4:49 AM

Welcome to our group!  Tim couldn't have put his advice into better words...  And he even listed  his email address in case you wanted to tell him more about your grandma. You've got a good friend!  But please, remember, that we all here are available anytime.  The world would be a better place if people would just offer a helping hand when it is needed...  At least, we're trying...

Don't feel guilty about that trip...  Things wouldn't have changed if you had not gone...  And, even if your grandmother was unable to understand why you wanted to make it, you had fun, which was counted!  It's the old, usual story of "generation gap"!

Have a nice Sunday!  Blessings,

Giuliana aka Princess Little Rock

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Emily W.... March 27, 2005 6:30 AM

This is what we are here for my dear friend online. You can vent here anytime. I have met alot of love & wisdom and sense the connection with the people who have experienced loss. And I found a plenty in this thread this morning.

Emily W., remember you are a human being my dear with all the emotions that go with. Do not beat yourself up over those issues. Hopefully since you vented to us via here you may already feel a release from your vent.

Tim and Guiliana both gave you strong advice and encouragement. I feel exceptionally blessed by this group and the people we have all become and continue to grow into from our journey of life. Tim is right about doing whatever you can now to take your energy to understand your grandmother in the here and now which I think you will be able to do since this release. Guiliana is correct in that generational comment thang. Boy don't we know that lesson all too well eh Guiliana in life? I have crossed more generational bridges with the choices I have made in my life it is most certainly one of those steady constants in life.

But above all Emily W., you are free now to go and live life to the fullest and do so immediately my dear with zest, vigor and above all a sense of pride in the fact that you are who you are. That is something I would gather that your grandmother most appreciated from you and bet she was proud of you more than you realize. peace & blessings---ginger

for Emily to fly through life as...

Tim & Guiliana consider yourselves both,   ,  I wish for you both many more of those moments in your lives.

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 March 27, 2005 8:13 AM

Emily, gentle with yourself.  Seems like when we lose a loved one (either to the other side, or in your case, to the anurysm) there are so many "should-a's"  should have done this, should have said that, etc.  And that can hurt.  But you know what, you can still get to know her, and still be there for her with comfort and love.  She would probably love to have you sit with her, hold her hand, read to her.  I believe that even when the medical people say that a person is "in and out" well, they can still know when there is love surrounding them.

Tim and Giuliana both had good thoughts, you can learn about her through family stories and photos too.  And even if she crosses without sharing words with you, the gap between the worlds is so tiny, only the physical part of her is gone from you.  I cherish the last moments sitting with my sister...combing her hair, lotioning her skin, breathing with her, talking to her.  We shared a lifetime within those few hours, and though she could not talk to me, the connection was deep and amazing.  You do have friends here, and you can vent all you want.  I have been there, and yes, still ,after 2 and a half years, still have times of falling back into the sorrow.  And I have found that the best way to to be gentle with yourself.  You are loved, and you are just the way you are meant to be.  And I think your Grandma feels that way.

love and blessings to you.....Novella

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 March 29, 2005 6:16 AM

You guys are amazing. I don't know what I can even say. Thank you. I was having a bad night, I think remembering that we were going to redo the picture for her (and we still will) upset me. I do sit and read to her. Hold her hand. And I think your right about the genaration gap. I think that hurt us a lot. She liked to stay at home and cook, shop, etc... She could never get me to cook lol but I did let her take me shopping Thank you again. It really does feel better to have a place to vent, I am only human but sometimes I think I should be a bit more **superwomen** lol.

Thank you again


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