. . . you were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45’s.
. . . you think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.
. . . your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed.
. . . you no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose.
. . . that billboard that says, “Say No To Crack” reminds you to pull up your jeans.
. . . you go to your family reunions looking for a date.
. . . you think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.
. . . your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
. . . you’ve got more than three cousins named “Bubba”.
. . . you have an Elvis Jell-O mold.
. . . taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
. . . you’ve got more than one other named “Darryl”.
. . . you ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin’ contest.
. . . on Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.
. . . you’ve ever come home and found crime scene tape across your front porch.
. . . your favorite entree is Spam barbecued on the grill.
. . . your child’s first words were, “Attention K-Mart shoppers!”.
. . . your idea of high-quality entertainment is a six-pack and a bug-zapper.
. . . your whole family is Democrats except little Mary. She got to readin’.
. . . you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”
. . . you kissed your own wife at midnight at the New Year’s Eve party.
. . . you’ve ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom.
. . . you’ve ever gotten an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company.
. . . you vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.
. . . you’ve ever valet parked a snow plow.
. . . you’ve ever stood in line to have your picture made with a freak of nature.
. . . you break wind in public and blame it on your kid.
. . . you’ve ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck.
. . . you’ve ever paid for a six-pack of beer with pennies.
. . . there are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.
. . . you have a Bud Light pool-table light hanging over your dining room table.
. . . the strongest smell in your house is butane.
. . . you think paprika is a Third World country.
. . . you ask the preacher, “How’s it hanging?”
. . . you go to a stock car race and don’t need a program.
. . . you have a bumper sticker that says, “My mother’s an honor student” at the local junior high.
. . . you think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’oeuvre.
. . . you played the banjo in your high school band.
. . . the velvet paintings in your house were bought from an art dealer on the side of the highway.
. . . you have no hubcaps on your car because you’re using them to feed your hunting dogs.
. . . you can’t visit relatives without getting mud on your tires.
. . . your mother doesn’t put shoes on to go grocery shopping.
. . . you’ve ever been blacklisted by a bowling alley.
. . . you honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
. . . anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxi. . you don’t think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
. . . you’ve ever been to a wedding reception at the Waffle House.
. . . your dog has ever brought home something that you cooked for dinner.
. . . you owe a taxidermist more than your monthly income.
. . . you’ve ever caught bugs just so you could throw them in the bug zapper.
. . . you have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
. . . you’ve ever hollered, “Rock the house, Bubba!” during a piano recital.
. . . your kids’ favorite bedtime story is “Curious George and the High Voltage Fence.”
. . . your watchband is wider than any book you’ve ever read.
. . . you know who is actually leading the Winston Cup series.
. . . you’ve ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
. . . your favorite beer company cannot afford to advertise.
. . . you’ve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
. . . you time your belches to achieve a personal best.
. . . your new job promotion means that the company foots the bill to have your name sewn on your shirts.
. . . the fountain at your wedding spewed beer instead of champagne.
. . . your favorite restaurant has the word “eats” anywhere in the name.
. . . there’s graffiti on the bathroom wall in your own house.
. . . you have grease under your toenails.
. . . your idea of a romantic evening is sharing the same spit cup with your girlfriend at a tractor pull.
. . . the most common phrase you hear at your family reunion is “What the hell are you lookin’ at Diphead?”
. . . your best coon hound gets a birthday present and your wife doesn’t. ....... . your mother has more chest hair than your father.. . . you have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior...