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a lil about me. November 25, 2005 9:07 PM

i am a domestic abuse statistic.I have lived with abuse most of my life> i don't really know anything else.the earliest forms of abuse i remember came at the hands of my mother and bio father though they were seperated i remember my father showing up then the flashing lights of a police car those are the memories i have of him snaeking up to my window in the middle of the night trying to break in and take me and my 3 sibilings. then came the police. after that the scream of my mother, i must have been 3 or 4? i grew up hearing he did'nt care about us that we were nothing to him. what a thing to tell a child. i heard things later that made a scar every time i heard them. You are just like your father, you will never amount to anything, i should send you to him to teach you a lesson. you look just like him. he is mean evil hateful and violent. when i was a little older i became the whipping post in our family the one who was maDE THE EXAMPLE. the one to take most of the physical and emotional abuse she had to offer. why i don't know maybe i looked just like him i don't know? see i was worthless nobody would ever love me. i was a terrible person cause i was just like him. my 1st love was wonderful he was 14 i was 12 he was sweet and shy i was abused and needy see at 11 my older cousin male molested me and then it went down hill i was damaged goods. i wasn't good enough for this sweet and shy boy. shortly after being abused by my cousin i was raped by a prominent mans nephew and ontop of all the things my mother taught me about who i was i was labeled a liar. funny thing i don't remember ever lying to anyone in my family. so by the age of thirteen i have absolutely no self esteem afterall i was a worthless liar that nobody would ever love. and was not good enough to be with this sweet kind and shy guy who only wanted to love and respect me. so i left.everyday i went to school with clothes wrapped about my waste to be put in my locker for the big day. not a very good way to start off highschool. i stayed gone often on for three years and became a ward of the court system who didn't know i existed. fell through all the cracks and lost the only person who really cared about me. his family moved far away. i learned to numb myself w/ drugs and alcohol and found myself in a relationship with a very psychologically abusive male but it was ok because i deserved it. after all i was a worthless liar that nobody would ever love atleast he used me. i stayed in that relationship from 15 to 22 married at 20 divorced @ 22 how dare i get pregnant he didn't want me to have his child. my mistake i thought i was his wife? i am 22 yr old single mother who is a worthless liar that nobody will ever love and now im supposed to be a whore? i don't understand i was his wife how could he say those things i loved him? how could I? i don't even know what love feels like. im 24 and a great single mother not a day gets past me with out loving my son kissing him and telling him how important he is to me. i meet a guy where i work who is sweet a real southern gentleman. Or so i thought. i date him for 2 yrs we are engaged he loves my son and my son loves him.he takes me home to la. to meet his family with my son and beats me until i pass out. the next day i want to leave and they wont give me my airline tickets. sweet southern family that they are. i get home and end the relationship to find that i am pregnant because he sid i was gonna have his baby wether i liked it or not while he was raping me. he calls his mother from my house and tells her what he has done and he is told to leave. he goes home pays no childsupport and marrys and starts a new family. i raise my boys on my own and move up north to go to college there i have a great life. at 30 i find out i have cervical cancer and things turn upside down. i go home for christmas to run into a childhood friend or so i thought. we talked for months on the phone for hrs at a time we are engaged and married and i move my family to his house. he is not nice he still loves his exwife he doesn't want me to have friends he doesn't want me to leave the house so now i am a worthless liar that nobody will ever love i am a whore and now am an abused prisoner in my own marriage. so i think if i am a prisoner then why don't i just get a job working at the local prison makes sense. so even though i am told not to get a job i figure if im gonna be treated like a prisoner i might as well get paid for it so i get this job and well things don't get better from here. you see i fall for an inmate it could happen right well it did and he seemed sweet and gentle. we wrote eachother for 3 years. never mind the fact that he is doing 5 yrs for aggravated assault on an elderly man that must be a mistake right? wrong. i should have known something was wrong the 1st time he lost his temper and put a cigarette out on my arm. he was just angry it won't happen again.right? wrong. i was brutally abused for the next 2 years by this insecure person who only wanted to be loved.well i was trapped. he threatened to kill my children i believed him you see he almost killed me when i was 4 months pregnant with our daughter.he beat me while he was screaming at his mother and father he wasn't angry with me it was them he hated Right. wrong. plastic surgury put my eye back together and my daughter was born healthy while he was in prison for parole violation. family said he was a changed man and wanted to prove it if given the chance. he did right? wrong he beat me again and threatened to kill my children including our second daughter that had been concieved 8 weeks ealier. was he convicted of his crimes against me of course not. has he threatened me since of course he i believe him of course i do. i gave up drugs and alcohol when i was 20. i have been a great mother my children tell me so. do i want to trust again? yes but i don't know how you see i am worthless and no one will ever love me1  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 November 29, 2005 8:19 AM

(((Hugs))) to you Rhonda.Your story really breaks my heart...but trust me there can be a better life for you but you have to believe that.I know you have no self-confidence right now due to the abuse that you have suffered. I beg you to get help,call an agency that can help you and get out of the relationship right now,even if you leave with nothing but the clothes on your back! Iam sure you have heard this many times...but only you can change your life. Light&Hope,Rhia  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 December 02, 2005 11:23 PM

thankyou. i am out. i did leave with nothing but my babies and that is everything.:) i got 3 1/2 hrs away from that family. Do i still get harrased yes. do i live in fear yes. i go to group (depression) once a week. panic is less i don't jump everytime i hear a noise anymore. i have my issues, been working to put it all back together.i was once a professional woman manager and making great money. i lost confidence in everything when i went through this. i take one day at a time. I am greatful i survived, i am greatful to have my children, i am greatful for so many things.i was very lucky i have no visibal scars. my scars are on the inside and i work on those everyday. i used to look around to find a reason to be happy (my children) now i look in the mirror something it took me a very long time to do. what i need most is to be able to trust again.i fear meeting new people in person and i used to give speaches? my life was so drastically changed by this. i just want to be the happy go lucky person i used to be. and it really frustrates me when i see how much light was taken from my spirit. i thinks thats the depression is knowing how brave and fearless i once was ans how nervous i have become. thankyou for your words. you are kind and comforting and for that i am also greatful  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 December 05, 2005 7:36 AM

You should be so proud of yourself Rhonda!I understand what you mean about the trust issue and you will be able to trust again it just takes time like everything else. I was able to leave my ex and stay away by facing that fear,that was the only way for me,and like you in time the fear grew less every day.I think the "inside" scars will never leave us and that they are there for a reason.To remind us of how far we have come in our lives to heal. I know its hard to keep looking in the mirror and loving what you see but you can do it!You are a very brave lady and your children are so lucky to have you.So many women cant or wont leave an abusive relationship and if they have children,the children suffer because of it. (((Hugs)))Rhia  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 January 03, 2006 8:14 AM

You have more courage than you think and your a strong person and I have to say your so much better than you know. Time heals most of this I know from experiance. I am not the trusting person I once was that was robbed from me but I did fight to get to a point where I could make a good life for my daughters and myself. You are strong and a survivor never let abuse keep you down fight the fear and keep going you are awesome and I hope that you can meet someone who deserves you . Someone who can love you respect you and most of all love you without abuse, real love means you would never hurt someone that way ever. Hugs Leah  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
Wow! January 06, 2006 4:45 AM

You are so strong to survive all of these things! It's tragic but sadly true that abuse is still very much treated and hidden away like a shameful secret, when the shame doesn't belong to you, you're made out to be a liar (and all the other cruel terms) to cover the abusers responsibility for what they are doing.In your new life hold your head up and be proud of who you really are!! you have a lot to be proud of! Good luck to you and stay strong, you deserve happiness and peace of mind. xx  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
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