Life brings difficult choices, hard situations, and hurtful relationships. People get crushed, bruised, broken and wounded in ways they never see coming. Often we can find ourselves without the experience or living skills to deal, very well, with what we are going through. People who invest their hearts in the lives of others are the most vulnerable to experiencing this kind of hurt. People who live guarded lives, protecting their own interests at all costs rarely feel the emotional pain that those who pour all they are into others do. But the agony of being hurt - and it is a genuine agony - can effect us far worse than we ever realize. The aftermath of being emotionally wounded can produce feelings in us more devastating than the actual hurt itself. What do I mean? I mean being hurt deeply by one person can cause our hearts to be suspicious of everyone else that enters our lives. Deep wounds from the past have the potential of coloring our present perceptions of all other people and events. Many who have been physically or emotionally abused feel (and honestly it seems rightfully so) that to forgive those who have betrayed them in such horrific ways is a form of “letting them off the hook.” The truth is, the person we hate holds a near mystical power over us as long as we continue to hate them. They continue to torture us. They continue to abuse us. And some who have been abused eventually find themselves becoming hateful and abusive to others in response to the horrors they have endured. In the end, hurt exacts it’s worst price NOT by the actual event that took place but by the long term effects it can have upon us as we are reminded of what we suffered. The underlying goal of any real darkness that touches our lives is to force us to LIVE in the darkness. Dark events seek to conquer us and steal our lives if they can. That’s why the light of forgiveness and the desire to overcome evil with good are so valuable. They help us become who we really want to be. They help us refuse to let even the worst of things keep us from becoming the loving, caring, special people that are most effective in this life. Forgiving others is a freedom for our OWN souls. It lets US out of prison. It lets us continue to grow into tender hearted and affectionate human beings. And it keeps us from holding innocent people hostage or putting them on probation until they have proved who they “really” are to us. Please understand, forgiveness is NOT another word for stupidity. If someone has abused us, forgiving them does not mean we ever trust them with our children or others we love. Nor does it mean that we would ever put our loved ones at risk with anyone else we do not know REALLY well. What forgiveness DOES mean is that we no longer wait until others pay for what they have done to us before we get back to becoming who we were meant to be. Forgiveness frees our minds and spirits and helps us to remember that those who hurt us can never win as long as we don’t allow them to remain the focus of our living. Once we forgive we can focus once again on becoming wise, loving, and kind human beings - pure of intention and heart. Revenge is a poor substitute for wisdom. Revenge upon someone who hurts us only deals with a single situation. Forgiveness un-clouds our vision and helps us to see how we were drawn into a hurtful relationship to begin with, how to recognize when other situations are genuinely like those in the past, and how to protect others we love from being snared in similar ways. And there’s another beautiful benefit of forgiveness: People rarely seek counsel from individuals who seem bitterly bent on revenge for what life has dealt them. On the other hand people seem almost magically drawn to learn from those who have triumphed over hurt and become more loving as a result. Forgiving someone who hurt us is the sweetest form of “revenge.” For once we have released our desire to see them suffer for what they did, they no longer hold the power over us that they did before. Hurt is one of the paths for growth in this life. I wish that wasn’t true - but it is. Hurt either stops our growth or excellerates it. If we can learn to allow the hurt that is intended for evil to mold us into more forgiving, loving, empathetic people - then even the most hurtful plans will fail and goodness and love will prevail. Forgiving may not happen overnight. The things that some people have suffered are devastating to even hear about. So there will be measures and increments at which we succeed in releasing past hurts. Never condemn yourself if forgiving doesn’t seem normal or automatic. It’s a miraculous thing in many ways. That’s why it’s effects are so powerful. And one more thing: Perhaps the most beautiful benefit we can see from growing into our most loving selves is how we can touch the people who need our help now and in the future. Our growth can help them grow too. Here’s wishing each of us the heart and love and ability to value our own growth and the effect we can have upon the hearts and lives of others - more than any temptation for revenge. May peace, love and happiness be yours, Truly, Dennis p.s. Thanks to each of you for your kind words and replies. And welcome to the new members. It’s really nice to have you here.

So many of us here on Care2 are genuinely hoping for peace. Inner and everywhere in the world, between nations and people. And we long to see people free and happy. Your post was so very hellpful.. truly gut-wrenching to implement for some difficult cases, but totally freeing and full of hope when accomplished. Life is too short to continue the pain. And, then, most of us hold on to some reallly petty grudges, don't we? Thanks for your post. These are thoughts to carry with me daily and decide minute by minute to do! A. Taliz

 

Iwould like to share the tool that was most helpful to me when I was tring to overcome my past. It's very helpful if you apply it when you catch your mind going back to the past. Remember, everytime you reach into the past to make a choice, you pull it to the present and re-live it in some form.

I CHOOSE TO OPEN THE DOOR OF FORGIVINESS.

It's as simple as that if you apply it. It seems slow going at first,but given time, you will grow by leaps and bounds!

Dennis, true words. Forgiveness is the key  , it opens doors to freedom within our hearts and the possiblities to be brought to a new compassionate world of understanding and empathy.

A world that has a person like you in it !

Ael.

Ann. Thank you for your kind, thoughtful words. It is gut wrenching in many circumstances. But as you implied what a wonderful result. Joanne, Thanks for sharing the tool you learned to use. I know that will be very helpful for others. Growing is what really matters. It redeems the hurtful experience. Ael, Those were really kind words. Thank you very much. Forgiveness really is the key flower - one I hope will become a tree in me. I love your hope and vision for the world. Here’s wishing each of you a happy and special day, Dennis

Great topic! Always relevant, that's for sure.

I have found a lot of helpful "forgiveness tools" in a book I just happened upon, titled "Radical Forgiveness", by Colin C Tipping.

Very good, meaty stuff. Also a great online site http://www.radicalforgiveness.com which I highly reccomend checking out.

Thanks for this topic. Right on time !

I'd like to share a poem I wrote a few years ago about Forgiveness.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a sign of Love

And it should be, because

Sometimes we hurt others in ways we don't realize

because we see through different eyes

When someone is hurt unintentionally

We can't always see

If I hurt you or you hurt me

It doesn't make it right

and there is no need to fight

Because two wrongs don't make it right

To forgive and be forgiven

is much better than getting even

We should learn to forgive

So we can live

and love

And be above

Holding a grudge.

Fran,

That is so true! When I read your poem, I started thinking about forgivness. We should bring these ideas into our minds daily;because everytime you bring a thought into your mind, it becomes stronger.This is our true power.

                                         In light,

                                                                   Joanne

                                                                                     

Joann, that is so true, about bringing thoughts out in the light, to make them stronger. After I read Revenge, Forgiveness, and Growing in love. It was so true too. I looked up this old poem I wrote. Thought it related to the topic a little . Being stronger helps alot.    Have a good night or day, depending on what time it is.

Kitty, Fran and Joanne, Thank you all for your kind, caring words and gifts. It’s really beautiful to see you wanting to encourage others with your abilities, words and information. Thank you very much, Dennis

"The truth is, the person we hate holds a near mystical power over us as long as we continue to hate them. They continue to torture us. They continue to abuse us. And some who have been abused eventually find themselves becoming hateful and abusive to others in response to the horrors they have endured."

How true this statement is.  After enduring a rocky relationship with my husband for 7 years. I finally had the strength to leave.  I exhausted myself with kindeness, forgiveness, and hope with nothing to show for it.   I moved states and was very sad at leaving behind my home, friends, and the lifestyle I had built.

At first, I was devistated by the uprooting of my life, but was numb to the pain of divorce. My friends and family expected me to be bitter, angry or devistated  after all I had gone through. I surprized myself by being very calm and pulled together.   I found happiness in knowing I had tried harder than most to make it work.  I felt an inner strength.  Anger and resentment wouldn't have given me strength.

He began dating immediately and is very unhappy.  I have been on my own and feel good.  I have learned more about myself and who I am this past year than ever before. I am the same person, but I understand who I am.  I may not have moved on to another relationship, but I have moved on.  I know myself, accept myself, and love myself. Therefore, one day I will allow someone else to love me for who I am as well.

It has been a year and a half since I left.  The only power he still has over me is to not sign the papers.  When I become frustraited with this, I remind myself that negativity is his game, not mine!

Not too long ago, I looked him in the eyes and with a smile said "I have no hard feelings."  He looked at me, and said "well I do."  And that my friend is the power of forgiveness.  The power of forgiveness is the power it gives you, not somebody else!~ Barrie

Barrie, Thanks for your transparent and insightful words. It always moves me reading or hearing how truth works and frees hearts that have been wounded. What you here shared will help others. It’s an incredible thing that our private and personal situations can be used to help bring healing to others. Thanks so much for sharing yours here.

hi, i'm new... this topic spoke to me in a very deep way. i was sexually assaulted by my best friend last year, and i've struggled with the idea of forgiveness for a very long time. at first i thought that all the good between us would allow me to forgive him, but the betrayal proved to be too deep. i'm still hurt and angry at him for what he did to me, and saddened by the demise of such a loving friendship. he entered my life at a crossroads, and helped me cope with the death of a very close friend. at the very least, i thought he "knew better". i understand what you say about the power he now holds over me, and how i am repeatedly victimized by that power. but it's almost impossible for me to imagine forgiving him. and absolutely impossible for me to forget. i wonder how one musters the strength to forgive in these circumstances. can anyone offer any guidance? how do you forgive a crime so foul, so personal?

Dear Juli, First, thank you for posting such a transparent and honest message. I am so sorry that a relationship which should have offered nothing but trust and security for you became a source of betrayal toward something so sacred and special. It’s very obvious that you have experienced much healing already by the manner in which you express yourself. I hate the thought of giving a general answer to anyone’s most intimate and private struggles. I’ll mention one or two things, in addition to what I tried to write here, that I believe can really help in the healing from the sort of darkness you’ve experienced. Something as hard as forgiving like this can benefit greatly from outside help. Help from others you love and trust - like you have requested here. Help from people qualified to help. Help from God if you believe in God. And good help can lead to deeper realizations and inspirations to forgive. We forgive because we do not wish to rob those we love now or will love in the future of any part of the beauty that we are and will become. We do not want a person that has tried to destroy us to take anything further from our lives. Our children, our future lovers, our special friends - all of them need aspects of our lives that only we can offer. The goal of dark deeds is to taint and contaminate other things - especially future things. When we forgive we are proving that we are stronger than the evil done to us and we are able - with clear vision - to take back the control over our future relationships. Forgiving helps us see clearly. And our future lovers, children and friends will need us to have that kind of “clear” sight. One of the ways we actually “gain” from even the most hideous pain is in our ability to comfort and show empathy and compassion to others who have been deeply wounded in life. The more fully we forgive the more fully we are able to help those who also carry nightmares within them. We not only can understand their hurt - but we can help heal. So we forgive so that we can BE all we are meant to be for others. This is a larger inspiration that really can help. But equally important: We forgive so that we can have a “clear, untainted” sense of life ourselves. We want to be able to smell the beautiful fragrances of life. We want to be able to see the loveliness of each new day. We want to be able to hear the children's laughter, to feel the refreshing touch of the rain, to embrace the invigorating wafting of the wind, to be able to listen to the trees as they speak loving whispers of the creation to us. Dark deeds want to steal this kind of living from us. When we forgive we free ourselves from tainted senses and marred feelings. Hideous wrongs seek to defile us in every way they can. They seek to shatter our trust and steal our secure and safe feelings about life. But one or even a hundred evil people cannot change us if we do not allow them to. And they cannot change our perception of the beauty around us and the beauty we wish to become on this Earth ourselves. When we forgive we recover the feelings about sacred and wonderful things that others sought to steal from us. When we forgive we allow ourselves to triumph over what sought to destroy us or at least taint our sense of living. When we forgive we take back the life and living that dark deeds tried to steal from our grasp. I also think that with each new breath and with each new day we grow into the realization of the power that forgiveness can bring. It doesn’t happen all at once for most of us. We see a beautiful tree and suddenly we are thankful that we can see it as free people - no longer captives to a destructive deed that failed in its mission to ruin life for us. Never condemn yourself if you feel a real struggle in this. It wouldn't be right if you did not. To really LIVE life requires great forgiving skills for most us and even greater for some others. But the greater the forgiving heart the greater the beauty within and the scent of beauty that we send forth to others in this life. I have no doubt you, and others who have suffered like you have, Juli, will exhibit this kind of beauty though out your life.

Juli, I understand much of what you are going threw. I am someone on the other side of what you are tring to deal with. The road was long for me, but you can shorten yours if you will listen. Everytime your mind goes to that event, you experience it again. Everyone needs time to cry however, there comes a time when you need to deciede to heal yourself. When you inprison someone in your mind, you have to stick around and be the jailer.Your mind is no longer free to go on to better things. When you forgive, It sets YOU free.I know that this is hard for some people to understand but, your prisioner is running free, you are the one in the slammer.

                                                           Pray for peace,

                                                                         Joanne

Self is the only prison that can ever bind the soul;

Truth is the only angel that can bid the gates unroll;

And when he comes to call thee,

arise and fallow fast;

His way may lie through darkness,

but it leads to light at last!

James Allen

Few things are as sweet as seeing the women and men of care2 responding to each other with loving, helpful words.

~ Dennis, I can tell you spoke directly from the heart, and I do not believe I can really add anything more, because it is so very, very true; I've learned from different experiences.  I really don't have a problem forgiving those against me; but I have had serious problems forgiving those who have hurt my children (or any child)...But, then again...that makes me powerless, and they continue to own that.

Juli...My daughter was molested (not actually raped) when she was only 9 years old.  For the first time in my life, I was horrified that I actually believed I could be capable of taking another's life.  He confessed but got only 8 years because I refused to put her on the stand, which he would have gotten 15 years instead.  For many years...I learned what the word 'hate' meant...I would actually 'visualize' sitting and waiting for him, with a gun the moment he was released from prison...This hate almost drove me insane...My daughter spent years in therapy; not to mention she had a very emotionally abusive stepmom...(My poor daughter has had horrible experiences)...

However, I have also worked and worked with her, trying to teach her to put the 'negative things' that have happened to her, into 'positive changes'...To make a long story short ~ She has forgiven her stepmom (and Dad for allowing it), and is in college, studying to be a child psychologist for children that experience these horrifying experiences...As she has explained to me, "Mamma, I know how they feel and I know that I can truly help them."  I cry every time I see how she has pulled her life together and has moved into positive energies and changes, in order to not only help herself, but other's...Yes, I am Blessed with her. 

She is such an inspiration to me; therefore, when I find I cannot forgive, I stop and think if she can do it, so can I...Besides, how am I going to be forgiven for my own mistakes in life, if I do not forgive?

Joanne,
Thanks again for wanting to comfort others with kind and loving words.

Cindy,
What a beautiful outcome to such a horrible set of events. To be molested by a stranger and then betrayed by a step parent and parent are enormous emotional obstacles to overcome. What a wonderful person your daughter has become through it all.

It’s true that many of us can take just about any personal injury or form of malice forgivingly - but when you touch our kids you touch the apple of our eye. It’s then that we feel the inherent protectiveness that we should feel for others I think.

We can and should turn our “own” other cheek. But we really can’t offer the cheek of another up for abuse - and far less when it’s our children, whom we are to protect in every way we can. We can teach them to turn their own other cheek - but we mustn’t confuse that with turning it for them.

That’s why I think it was wise of you to keep her from testifying. And I believe it was one of many things you did that really helped her on her way to healing.

Thank you very much for sharing these precious, sensitive things with the others here. I know they will help in so many ways.

A perpetrator diddled with me and I became a victim for decades. A victim of everyone. June 9th, 2003 I had an epiphany and made a conscious decision to live from love instead of all that negative stuff. Now I not only forgive the perp but am actually able to help him. Biggest challenge is not to be patronizing or condescending in my efforts to help.

Sarvo,

Thanks for a really encouraging post. That's the "full circle" kind of story that can give hope to so many others.

Thank You so much for sending this link. The whole peice is simply brilliant . Therre was one section that stood out to me.

"Hurt either stops our growth or excellerates it. If we can learn to allow the hurt that is intended for evil to mold us into more forgiving, loving, empathetic people - then even the most hurtful plans will fail and goodness and love will prevail."

I try so hard to live by this thought. But the hurt comes back from time to time....Will that ever go away, How do you move passed that when you feel so deep inside like there was never any closure.

The only way I have ever been able to deal with this is by burying it deeper. But I am finding that on the occasin that I am down..it is so much more down than the time before. I always come around. I just want it (that hurt) to stay away.

Michelle,
Thank you for your post and for sharing your heart feelings. It's so true that hurt resurfaces. Certain kinds of abuse and violence will always seek to surface and keep working harm to our souls.

Forgiving really is like canceling a debt. Those who stole from us or violated us can never repay us for what they stole. We either keep demanding they repay what they can never give back or we cancel the debt they owe us - in order to free ourselves.

We can cancel debts without ignoring the sickness of the people or the sickness of the acts they committed. Forgiveness is far from blind or naive. It stays alert to protect us and protect people we know and love from individuals that have violated and abused others. But forgiveness does cancel the debts owed to us so that when memories resurface we can release those memories as forgiven and canceled. In that way the memories begin to lose their lingering power to abuse us further in this life.

As the power of past abuse loses it's grip on us we are free to become whom we were meant to be. We can bring love and understanding and compassion to those who have been abused and violated and become a force of healing good in a world that desperately needs it.

Thanks again for your thoughtful words Michelle and thanks to everyone who contributed to this thread in so many ways

I also have a person I can not forgive, once in church I tried to, people prayed with me , I cried, said I forgave him but then the hurt came back, every time I look at my daughter I find the negative feelings come back (she was kidnapped and molested in a church on easter sunday at the age of 3). As time went on, the man is still behind bars (my daughter will be 20 next month) I dont cry every day, I dont think of it every moment, but it is still there and will always be with me. I know the feeling of visualizing hurting him, ive done it, thought id wait till he got out of jail, sit in my car and run him over so he cant do it again, but ive gotten over the rage part I just can not get over the hurt and forgive. now we have custody of my fiancees cousin, she will be 18 in june, shes been with us since she was 14, her step father was molesting her since 5 yrs old, she came to us for help, this has brought a flood of memories  back to our house, plus the court dates, sadly her trying to end her life a couple times, shes very messed up from this, so I ask how can you forgive someone who has taken a childs life and changed it permanetly? the abuser gets years in jail(sometimes) but then hes out and can hurt another child, while the child he already hurt is still dealing with the pain. how do you forgive these monsters when they wont/cant/refuse to stop? they say its natural, its love, its ok, but it is NOT.

I have no problem forgiving people that hurt me, most things I can get over quickly, move on and forgive, just not people who hurt children, I can not seem to do that. I know your supposed to  but I cant find it in me to .

great post, took a long time for me to actually come and post, one topic that is close to me nd hard to talk about. hope I didnt offend anyone. to all

ps. I would love for there to be peace on earth, what a nice thought, but truely you have to find a way to stop child abuse in order to get that. We can stop wars, stop figting, stop many things but there are predators in the world and how do we stop them?

Debbie,
There are no words to covey how grieved I feel reading the situations you described. When that kind of evil touches our lives it is a horrible, devastating thing. But when it touches the life of one we love - especially that of a child - it's nothing short of the worst, most twisted, defiling nightmare come true.

I believe societies' harshest punishments should be dealt out to those who molest and/or murder children. And even though I am fully opposed to the death penalty I feel that life sentences seem almost lenient in light of what such crimes against innocence deserve.

People often confuse the intuitive knowledge of what justice demands as well as the social and legal necessity of punishing criminal behavior with personal forgiveness. Personal forgiveness cancels debts so that the person who wronged me - or those I love - cannot continue to haunt and torment the remainder of our lives with the abuse they committed at one time. Many people suffer their entire lives not because the criminal justice system failed - as it so often does in it's prosecution of a reprehensible acts - but because their own hearts are tormented day and night from those past acts of violence or molestation.

It can help to look at it in this way: Forgiveness is a spiritual principle that allows us to continue growing on the path of love - enabling us to help others heal without deep seated anger and bitterness blocking our way. Justice is the responsibility that society must carry out in order to put fear in those who would commit violent abusive crimes. The two things - though connected by the same evil act - deal with separate issues. One offers heart freedom to the wronged. The other requires the punishment of the wrong doer.

If there is no fear of punishment for violent crimes the hearts of violent offenders surrender much easier to do evil. But even after offenders have been punished they often continue to emotionally and mentally abuse their victims for years - until those offended are graced to let go and cancel the personal debt the offender owes them - which could never be repaid by any means. People often feel they are doing wrong by forgiving violent crimes, when in fact what they are doing insuring the offender can no longer continue to afflict their hearts in the same devastating way by a past act.

In that sense forgiveness is a personal freedom for the heart and soul of the wronged. It allows them to go on living - even with deep sorrow and grief. Whereas the punishment of violent criminals is something that society must consistently and equitably adjudicate. Crimes of violence should always bring the suffering of severe consequences upon those who commit them if people are to live with any sense of justice and peace.

I fear that may not help as I hope it could Debbie. My words really fall short of my desire to bring healing here. But please know that my thoughts and prayers go out to each of you that were made to suffer in the ways you shared from your heart with us.

ty

Your story touched my heart deeply. There is so much evil in this world. And there aren't enough people here willing to protect our kids. Thank God for you! I dont know if its possible to gaurd our children from every hurt and every pain. But you my dear lady, stopped it from happening again.Every time a sick person violates a child, it takes a little more from them, who they are, their self, worth, their ability to love, and be loved. And it sounds to me like you have restored every bit of that to your daughter. Or should I say you made it possible. You were there to love her, and wanted noting from her in return. And now she is able to do great things with her life. My prayers will be with you and the new family addition. Thank you for stepping in to save her. She needs you. And it will be hard, I'm sure. But pray... pray....pray....Seek comfort from God. See God holding her in His arms. Watch as the angels surround her and protect her. I pray that she sees God and you as her beacon. Feeling safe and secure in knowing that God and you will never turn your backs on her, and will continue to love and protect her. Your daughter sounds like she would be a great comfort to her too.

As for the anger, or hurt.  I dont know how to make that stop. I wish I did. The only tid bit of advice I can give you is to simply sit and breath. In Gods love .... Out anger....You have found a great place for friends that are her for you though.  Dennis has got a wonderful way of putting things into perspective.     Thank You again Debbie, fo rbeing there to protect these precious children. May Gods blessings and Love overflow on you and yours.

thank you for the kind words, I didnt do anything special, my daughter  wish I could go back in time and  not have gone to church that day so she wouldnt have had to go thru that. and my fiancees cousin, well no one else believed her, and there was no way I was letting that child go to a foster home it was bad enough her own mother didnt believe her (she now does and is her hero no but for 2 and a half years she didnt) we couldnt let her go to strangers. I pray for her daily because she has a lot of demons in her and I worry about her a lot, sentencing is next month, every time we get near where she has to face him something bad happens, so please keep her in your prayers, I just want her to have a happy life, she doesnt deserve all the hurt the world has given her.

to all

I know the pain you and your family are going through all too well. This must be such a trying time. The most important thing I can tell you is to be secure in your faith. Your family has suffered in such a way that would tear many others apart, and you have stood strong. When these terrible things happen to us we tend to put "walls" up to protect us. We have been rejected in the most horrible of ways. Unable to be loved or to love. It took me a long time to realize that the only thing that mattered is God did not and will never reject me. There is a psalm that says something like...although my mother and father have forsaken me, the Lord will take me up. We are his children,God accepts us for everything we are. It is important to remember that there is nothing you can do to make things better yourself. You msut trust in God. Pray. When we try to fix things on our terms usually nothing happens, and we get upset or frustrated.  Let God do His part, He does here your hearts desires. Our job is to pray and believe. Thats it. Have faith. Faith is what brought down the walls of Jericho. I pray that your faith will allow the walls to come down around your cousin. Let Christs love flow freely to and through her. Let God be her wall! I'm not saying there won't still be fear. of course there will. But don't be afraid of it. Trust that God is with you(family) wherever you are. Let me close you with this.. You are a special person. You have made a hudge difference in this childs life. God has put you in her path for a reason. Be a vessel for him. Don't give up. I pray that you and your family will be gaurded and kept safe, and in perfect peace. If you don't mind.. could you send me her first name.

May you feel the love of Christ surround you and keep you safe

Michelle

Debbie,
You know all too well what a nightmare revisited it is, each time victims are required by the system to see or face their abusers. It's a beautiful thing she has you to comfort her and to try to encourage her as you have all the way through this trying time. The inner turmoil she carries that you spoke of is all the more painful because it came to her by circumstances beyond her control.

You felt helpless knowing you could not change the events of a day and she has felt helpless in her circumstances too. BUT you have taken your own heartache and allowed it to move you to such good. You have been by her side, believing her when others close to her didn't, and patiently understood the deeply disturbing feelings she experiences. These things you've done will help make all the difference in the world to her one day.

When there are no words to covey how we feel and how much we wish for a peaceful and healing resolution for you and others in these terrible situations we can only hope that our words will be felt and understood. Please know you and she and the entire situation are in our thoughts and in our prayers.

Thank you Dennis, I only pray I have helped my daughter and my fiancees cousin enough to help them in their lives to lead a happy life, healing is so hard on children.

Reading this thread is like walking across sacred ground…beautiful treasures shared from your hearts and minds, to bring comfort and to share deep wounds in order to come to healing. Wow.

I read this earlier and came back to it, after letting it digest. I want to thank you all for such a thread…in a world filled with so much betrayal and ugliness, it is really encouraging to see this group of loving, caring hearts!

Blessings

I hear you~
Truly

[sorry for weird formatting below...not so good with that kind of thing! maybe it's a Word-to-Firefox problem?]

It sounds like your fiance’s cousin is in a fragile place (understandably). Does she have access to a counselor or a support group for those who have been sexually victimized? It can make a huge difference…

I wanted to pass along a little different twist on forgiveness that has helped me along the way: I’ll admit to also being mighty wrathful and into the revenge idea when it comes to violations of those I hold dear…what has helped me at various times is to realize that, although we won’t see true justice meted out in the human realm, Justice has been served already—by Jesus’ suffering and death.

When I let go (only with the grace of God) of my desire to punish the wrongdoers, it’s in part because I realize that doesn’t mean they won’t face judgment, or that Justice is somehow then lost—quite the opposite: God is the avenger of blood, and Jesus is the only one who has the right to sit in the judgment seat, and He will call them to judgment. I…I have blood on my hands, too, I have caused pain and done wrong, right along with the rest of the human race. So, in the end, how can I sit in the judgment seat? >gulp!!<

Our culture likes to focus on God’s cuddly side…I say, there are times when it is mighty comforting to know He is also the avenger of blood, and He has said it’d be better to be drowned in the depths of the sea than to have to face Him after violating and hurting a child. That’s our God, too, by heaven…and you know, I think that’s God’s LOVE, too!!

Love isn’t just cuddles and smiles: love is also stern and just and purifying, demanding an end to wickedness for the sake of the beloved.

…with the outrageous hurts, the toxic waste dumped in the soul, when we must see, across years, the soul-death caused to our loved ones…forgiveness is ongoing, really, a repeated choice to let go of revenge and let God be the avenger, to take ourselves out of that Judgment seat and keep transferring our dear ones into the care of the Shepherd of their heart.

For your dear ones who have been hurt so much, remember: we are speaking of the God who created everything out of nothing, who raised the dead back to life. May His mighty, healing power re-create that in them which has been broken! May His Word of Life bring into being that which is not—calling their hearts and minds back to a place of wholeness!

Amen.

About the pain popping up again and again…I wanted to just pass along something someone once passed to me that I have found transformative:
If the memories, the nightmares, flashbacks, sorrow, rage, helplessness, etc. come up…instead of viewing them as an “enemy” and trying to suffocate them and stuff them back down or run away from them or drown them or whatever it is we usually do (and we get creative, right?—everything but face it head-on) --if we can frame those things not as an enemy, but as a kind of gift—a chance to let go of one more layer of pain, or one more layer of anger or unforgiveness—wow! Then, we can experience the shedding of those soul-chains and find ourselves more and more FREE inside!

Stuffing things helps our emotions for a short time, on the surface….but it takes energy to stuff things!...and, across years, it can take a toll on our bodies to keep stuffing. If we can ask the Holy Spirit to be with us in our moment of pain and turmoil, to help us face it—journal it, talk it out with God or a trusted other, walk or jog it out—we will find Grace will carry us through, and we will be able to shed that layer of the burden (and yes, there are usually a bunch more layers than we realize…).

Lastly, I’ll leave you with an image that has helped me sometimes, though it’s admittedly a bit weird: I view the Holy Spirit on these occasions as my kind of “garbage man” I say, “Eeewww! Woe is me!! A bunch of sewage has just broken through—help! I am willing to put it out on the curb of my life, instead of leaving it stuffed away in my heart, but, I need you to please take it away!” [note, if it’s a really scary sewage emergency, one can of course ask help in even getting it out to the curb!--way too big a mess to do alone, oftentimes]

And the Spirit does.  

Thank you for such a balanced and thorough explanation (throughout the thread) of this vital, difficult topic! admirable, in every way...I am sure it has and will continue to bear good fruit (you just watch this sown seed sprout! )~

Thank You for the insightful posts. And what you say holds much truth. I am in no way greatful for the horrible things that I or any other child or adult has or will suffer. I am thankful that God has given me the ability to move past these things and the courage to speak about them when the occasion calls for it.  It is not until something else comes up that I realize ," maybe I haven't setteled this" . I guess you could say I have a slow turn around time.  I know ..in this little head of mine...that "I" don't have to settle anyhting. "God" is there. It's ok for me to feel the way I feel, or to be angry, or whatever else there may be.  The problem I have is dwelling in the darkness.  It usually takes a few days for me to remember I AM NOT ALONE! I NEVER WAS!

The reactive mind is that compartment of the mind that may be frozen in time.  Consequently anything that jiggles a memory will evoke the response experienced at that point in time.  Even as an infant, for all remains in the subconscious. 

Healing the reactive mind does not come from the intellectual level of knowing we must forgive in order to heal.  Only learning how take the journey to the heart, with the choice for love, moves us into the new paradigm and peace of mind.

The salient point, which is our power, is that we always have a choice.  Would you rather be right or happy?

In a class I facilitate in the principles of Attitudinal Healing,  which was developed by Dr. Gerald Jampolsky.  The 6Th principle:  "We can learn to love ourselves and others by forgiving rather than judging." 

As the class begins I ask participants to begin an "anger letter" jotting every thing down, as they discover wounds, anger, resentment, etc., that they begin getting in touch with.  This can be done by anyone, anytime.  Keep a notebook which only you can see, and begin jotting down things as they come to you.  It may well last over a period of weeks, however, allow yourself to feel the feelings.  To feel is a part of healing.  When you believe you are willing to hand this over to a Higher Power, because it is more than you are capable of doing on your own, create a sacred ceremony.

Taking all of your notes, go to wearever you can build a fire.  Going to a park that has a BBQ pit would be nice,  but even a candle placed in a safe recepticle will do.  The particular words we use are as follows:  Fill in the _____ with the name with which you resonate.  We use Holy Spirit.

I give you (the one/ones named in your anger letter) to the __________ as part of myself.

I know that I will be released, unless I want to use you to imprison myself.

In the name of my freedom I choose your release, because I recognize that we will be released together

Amen

Should you still have issues repeat the process as often as necessary.  I had not thought of this before, however it might be compared to the Catholic practice of going to confession to receive absolution.

When you to heal, the void is filled with your own love for yourself and that of your creator's profound love for you.  You truly know that nothing outside of yourself can fill this void.  Not relationships, not power, nor material wealth.

"The end of all suffering is when you are profoundly grateful for everything that has transpired in your lifetime."

Blessed be, you are whole and Holy.

(Dennis, feel free to delete this post if you prefer to keep this thread all text.)

Thank you all for your incredibly kind, thoughtful, and insightful posts - including graphics. It's beautiful to see you all reaching out to help one another. Makes me proud to be part of the group.

Thank you for your wise words. They came just when I needed it.

With love.

Erika,
Thank you for your kind reply. I'm really grateful to hear what you received was timely and met a need. Thanks very much for sharing that.

(Bump)

Love is such a powerful feeling or emotion. I don't get why it's so hard for some people to love.  But lets be honest, this has turned into a self centered, it's all about me world. It's almost like it sucks it out of you. And as sad as it is to say, I go to bed at night praying that I don't wake up. I am tired of living in this loveless world. But that's kinda selfish ofme isn't it?

  Dear Sassy,
You must not pray that any more. Because you are wrong. And you are right.
You are right that this self-centered world can suck the love and life out of you. At least it trys.
But you are wrong that there isn't any love left. As tired and hurt and sorrowful as you are over the condition of things, I was able to feel tremendous love coming out of you. Your desire to give and receive love can only come from a loving heart. Your nearly broken spirit, while I felt so sad for your pain, at the same time encouraged me. Because I believe that for one to care so deeply is a wonderful thing. So I hope to encourage you, hang in there...til the very end of things...keep loving and hoping...because your kind of person is needed here on this very difficult earth. Love to YOU, and peace.  A. Taliz

As true as all that you say is, it just makes it that much more difficult. Am I doing something wrong, do I not deserve to be loved, not just be loved but feel loved. I don't want to be here for my loved ones just because I make their lives easier. I, (and I would hope lots others) need them to love me for me. What if I couldn't do the things I do for them. 

I don't even know where I'm going with all this. Sorry for rambling.

I understand what you are saying. I just wanted you to know I am still thinking about you.

I believe a fundamental fact about us is that we are loved and wanted--from the beginning, always, and simply for *being* part of this creation--not because or contingent on what we do or give or how we live, but because that is the Creator's nature (to love), and we are brought into being by the Creator in love. And the Creator calls to us to come near and *know* Love--to feel it, breathe it, and live in the surety and fullness of being loved...

So--*you* are loved and wanted, no matter what. Always.
May you feel the Everlasting Arms embracing you...

             

Your thoughts and well wishes are so much appreciated. It has been an extremly trying week. I had to have one of my dogs put down yesterday after an extended illness. I think that was worse than anything. It has been comforting reading the posts of such caring people, like yourself.

Blessings to you