Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered: I started out with nothing, I still have most of it.

My wild oats have turned to prunes and All Bran.

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

I wish the buck stopped here. I sure could use a few ...

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees

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These puns are from a New York magazine competition where competitors were asked to change one letter in a familiar non-English phrase and redefine it. These multi-lingual puns were created by Michael A. Alderete:

• Harlez-vous francais?  .....  Can you drive a French motorcycle?
• Rigor morris .....  The cat is dead.
• Repondez s'il vous plaid .....  Honk if you're Scots.
• Que sera serf .....  Life is feudal.
• Monage a trois .....  I am three years old.
• Cogito eggo sum .....  I think; therefore, I am a waffle.
• Haste cuisine .....  Fast French food.
• Idios amigos .....  We're wild and crazy guys.
• Le roi est mort. Jive le roi .....  The king is dead. No kidding.
• Posh mortem .....  Death styles of the rich and famous.
• Pro bozo publico .....  Support your local clown.
• Visa la france  .....  Don't leave chateau without it.
• Veni, vidi, vice .....  I came, I saw, I partied.

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                            Rules of Life

• I can only please one person each day.  Today is not your day.  Tomorrow is not looking good either.
• Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
• Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
• You can go anywhere you want if you look serious, wear a white coat and carry a clipboard.
• I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
• Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
• I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
• My reality check bounced.
• On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
• I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
• Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.
• Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

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A flock of wild geese had settled to rest on a pond. One of the flock had been captured by a gardener, who had clipped its wings before releasing it. When the geese started to resume their flight, this one tried frantically, but vainly, to lift itself into the air. The others, observing his struggles, flew about in obvious efforts to encourage him; but it was no use.

Thereupon, the entire flock settled back on the pond and waited, even though the urge to go on was strong within them. For several days they waited until the damaged feathers had grown sufficiently to permit the goose to fly.

Meanwhile, the unethical gardener, having been converted by the ethical geese, gladly watched them as they finally rose together and all resumed their long flight.

By Albert Schweitzer

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