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Two Easy Ways to Annoy Your Public Bathroom Stall-Mate January 24, 2009 9:27 PM

Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically
under the stall walls of your neighbor's while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"


 Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of
toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

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 September 26, 2008 5:00 AM

A little old lady comes out of the mall and coming towards her car she sees four guys just jumping into it.
She screamed "NOOOO" and pulled a small pistol out of her purse and said: " Dont make me use this!"
The four young guys JUMPED out and ran off.
The little ladY then proceded into the car and after driving a few minutes realised " hey this ISNT my car" so she turned around and went back to the mall to put it back.
She then got in her REAL car and went down to the police station to report that 4 guys were trying to steal someone elses car. At the police station she sees the SAME four guys and hears one of them shouting:
"A LITTLE OLD LADY JUST PULLED A GUN AND STOLE OUR CAR !"



This post was modified from its original form on 26 Sep, 5:03  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 September 17, 2008 2:30 PM

The religious Horse

Once a man bought a horse. You had to say ?hallelujah? to make it go and ?amen? to make it stop.

The man was riding his horse one day but then he realized he was riding to an edge of a cliff.

He was so scared he forgot how to make the horse stop. He thought this was the end of his life and he started praying, ending the prayer by saying ?amen?.

The horse suddenly stopped at the edge of the cliff. 'hallelujah' said the man with a sigh of relief and off went the horse?

(Thanks Sara)

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 September 12, 2008 1:49 PM

An Lt was transferred to a new unit. After getting settled into his new office, the Lt was sitting at his desk, arranging things, when a private knocked on his door. Not wanting to look useless, he picked up the phone, and said "Enter" He motioned for the private to wait, and said into the phone "Yes Colonel, yes sir, yes sir, I’ll get those documents to you as soon as possible. Yes Sir, have a good day, sir."

After hanging up, he looked impatiently at the private, "yes, what do you want?"

The private sheepishly answered: "Well sir, I’m here to install the phone line for you, sir!"

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 September 12, 2008 1:38 PM

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a very shear blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to go out like that!

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate....

The grandmother says. "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

Happy Gardening.

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Thank you! I love you all my Angel friends! Essie January 07, 2007 3:50 PM

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Hi sweet Brother Clive! Roaring with laughter! Thank you so much!!!! Essie December 17, 2006 2:58 PM

Estrellita  Merry
Christmas sweet brother! Love ya Essie and family  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
anonymous  December 17, 2006 1:41 PM

GRANDMA STILL DRIVES!!!

Grandma's letter.

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter:

    The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy
that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and
put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.

    I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
light  had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of
people love Jesus!

    While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, For the love of God! Go! Go! Go!  Jesus Christ, GO! What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and
started waving and smiling at  all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

    I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat
what that  meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I  have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out
the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people w ere so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

    I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I  attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all  my brothers
and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the
light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the
window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

    Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!! Will write again soon, Love, Grandma

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 November 20, 2006 10:45 PM

 

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 November 20, 2006 10:43 PM

Why didn't the turkey want any lunch?

He was already stuffed!

 

What did the widowed mother turkey say to her disobedient children?

If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!

 

Why can't you take a turkey to church?

Because they use such FOWL language

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Essie Running to take my Meds...hehe...Roaring with Laughter. love ya Essie November 20, 2006 8:14 AM

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Thanks! November 20, 2006 7:01 AM

Thanks for the inspiration and laughs! I needed that today!

Love and light, Hope

www.hope4survivors.com

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 November 20, 2006 6:51 AM

Please Take Your Medication!!!!!!!
 
http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d133/Neggyly/care%202/Image.gif 
 
Because, This is what HAPPENS
When You Don't Take Your
Meds.
http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d133/Neggyly/care%202/Image.jpg 
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 November 19, 2006 1:52 PM

The Great Writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

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 November 19, 2006 1:49 PM

Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den.

The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"

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 November 19, 2006 1:45 PM

NASA was interviewing professionals they were thinking of sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one-way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth.

The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater--Rice University."

The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question. "Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."

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 November 19, 2006 1:42 PM

You Know You've Still Had Too Much Coffee When...

*You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug

*You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee

*You've worn the finish off you coffee table

*The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you

*Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house

*You're so wired you pick up FM radio

*Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans"

*Instant coffee takes too long

*You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can

*You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar"

*Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position

*Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup

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 November 19, 2006 1:41 PM

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.


"Hunting Flies," he responded.

"Oh!, Killed any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

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I love you Sisters! Essie November 19, 2006 11:06 AM

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CHURCHES IN LAS VEGAS! November 19, 2006 8:44 AM

CHURCHES IN VEGAS
>>
>> This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas but
>> there  are more Catholic churches there than casinos. Not surprisingly,

>> some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather 
>> than cash when the  basket is passed.
>>
>> Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches 
>> have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all 
>> their collected  chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and 
>> then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
>>
>> Of course, this is done by the chip monk.

>>Again... Of course, this is done by the chip monk. 
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 November 19, 2006 8:25 AM

http://www.idodogtricks.com/index_flash.html  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Roaring with laughter sweet sis AnaMaria! Thank you!!! November 19, 2006 8:15 AM

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This should come out better... hi hi hi November 19, 2006 12:14 AM

"Tater People"


Some people never seem motivated to participate,
 but are just content to watch while others do the work.
They are called "Speck Taters".

Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at
finding fault with The way others do the work.
They are called "Comment Taters".

Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do,
 but don't want to soil their own hands.
They are called "Dick Taters".

Some people are always looking to cause problems
by asking others to agree with them.
 It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet.
They are called "Agie Taters".

There are those who say they will help, but somehow
 just never get around to actually doing the promised help.
They are called "Hezzie Taters".


Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not.
They are called "Emma Taters
".

Then there are those who love others and do what they say they will.
They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand.
 They bring real sunshine into the lives of others.
They are called "Sweet Taters".

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 November 17, 2006 1:15 PM

hei, it's not collaborating....

... overturned his wag wheat on the road.

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 November 17, 2006 1:12 PM

Maybe the whole joke is betterr, hi hi hi!!!

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wag

"Hey, Willis," he called out, "forget your troubles for a while and come and have dinner with us. Then I'll help you overturn the wagon."

"That's very nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Dad would like me to."

"Aw, come on, son!" the farmer insisted.

"Well, OK," the boy finally agreed, "but Dad won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked the host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Dad's going to be real upset."
"Don't be silly!" said the neighbor. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon," replied Willis.

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 November 17, 2006 1:10 PM

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wag

"Hey, Willis," he called out, "forget your troubles for a while and come and have dinner with us. Then I'll help you overturn the wagon."

"That's very nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Dad would like me to."

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 November 17, 2006 1:09 PM

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."

"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"

"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

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 November 17, 2006 1:08 PM

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out,

"Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward.

"Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."

"Good," said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets. We're one short."

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Thank you sweet Warrior, Davida, Raphael...Thank you...You made me chemo easier to take..hehe. November 17, 2006 12:43 PM

Essie  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
anonymous  November 17, 2006 12:22 PM

Irish Medical Dictionary

Artery......................The study of paintings.
Bacteria................... Back door to cafeteria.
Barium..................... What doctors do when patients die.
Benign..................... What you be, after you be eight.
Caesarean Section..... A neighbourhood in Rome.
Cat scan...................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her.
Colic.........................A sheep dog.
Coma........................A punctuation mark.
Dilate........................To live long.
Enema.......................Not a friend.
Fester.......................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula........................A small lie.
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
Labour Pain.................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid........................A higher offer.
Nitrates......................Cheaper than day rates.
Node..........................I knew it.
Outpatient...................A person who has fainted.
Pelvis......................... Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative..............A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.............Place to do upholstery.
Rectum.......................Nearly killed him.
Secretion....................Hiding something.
Seizure.......................Roman emperor.
Tablet........................A small table.
Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport.
Tumour.......................One plus one more.
Urine...........................Opposite to your out.

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17 Things a Cat Must Remember.!!! October 13, 2006 11:33 AM

* Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

* I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

* If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry.

* The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him constantly.

* If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

* Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

* I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at nothing right after my human has finished watching "The X-Files".

* No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human's earrings are not cat toys.

* If I play 'dead cat on the stairs' while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true.

* The canned cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor.

* I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer.

* It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it all dissolves in the boiling coffee.

* The goldfish likes living in water and must be allowed to remain in its bowl.

* If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.

* I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.

* I am a neutered cat, not a peacock, and prancing around with my tail fluffed up will not make my parts grow back.

* If I must give a present to my humans's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.

Thanks to 
             Carrie W.
                Carrie has received 8 new, 536 total stars from Care2 membersCarrie has been awarded 380 butterflies for taking action at Care2
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anonymous  October 09, 2006 9:14 AM

Male or Female?

Here are some examples:


FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their arse

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.


 

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hahaha... October 07, 2006 3:38 PM

a man wakes up on the morning, stretch, and when he wants to get up, couldnot move his legs. He cryes to the maid "HELP!!! I CAN'T MOVE!!! PLEASE CALL THE DOCTOR!!!"

The doctor arrives, "let me see, you can not move the legs, can't get up the bed?" "No! " replies the man.

"Lets take of the sheet that covers you.... I know what's the problem, you will be perfectly fine."

"WOW!!! You said just by one glance at my legs???? Thanks!!! what's my problem?"

"You got your two legs thru the same pants' sleeve."
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anonymous  October 07, 2006 3:05 PM

Bono is at a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland when he asks the audience for some Quiet.

Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone...


"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from near the front pierces the silence...


"Well, stop f***ing doing it then!"


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Hugs and Happy Weekend! Love ya! October 06, 2006 1:26 PM

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Thank you for your Jokes sweet sis! September 19, 2006 6:08 PM

Halloween fun time Witch Essie  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
the true story... September 18, 2006 11:26 PM

God the Parent

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam asked.

"Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit." God replied.

"Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve..we got Forbidden Fruit!"

"No way!"

"Where?"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the 'First Parent' asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno," Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"DID so!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own...thus the pattern was set, and it has never changed.

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 September 18, 2006 11:23 PM

A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an American.

"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."

The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars, too!"
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knock knock September 18, 2006 11:21 PM

~ On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission".

~ On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

~ Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

~ At a Music Store: "Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner."

~ On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."

~ On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a min-u-et."

~ In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

~ On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."

~ Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

~ In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"

~ On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."

~ In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."

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 September 18, 2006 11:10 PM

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "Officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"No explanation needed!" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I have to tell you something." The man tried again.

"Just keep quiet! You're going to jail and I'm notinterested in what you have to say!" the officer barked.

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
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 September 16, 2006 11:06 PM

An English professor wrote the words, "a woman without her man is nothing" on the board, and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men in the class wrote:
"A woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women in the class wrote:
"A woman: without her, man is nothing."

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Thank you all for the wonderful Jokes! It helps my meds go down in the most delightful way.Lalalala September 14, 2006 5:44 PM

Smile Of The Month Essie!Essie  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Thank you for the Gift of Laughter! Laughter is the best Medicine for me! September 13, 2006 3:40 PM

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 September 11, 2006 1:22 PM

Miss  Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
 
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
 
She invited him to have a  seat while she prepared tea.
 
As he sat facing her old Hammond
organ,  the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
 
The bowl  was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!  
 
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
 
The  pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of
Water and  its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
 
 "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
 
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it  wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this  little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ,  keep it wet and that it would
Prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I  haven't
Had the flu all winter?"
 
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 September 11, 2006 12:50 PM

Biblical Theme Songs

Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"
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 September 08, 2006 3:28 PM

Roaring with laughter...hehe...Laughter is a great dessert without the calories Thank you so much my sweet friend Essie

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An American touring Spain September 08, 2006 2:56 PM

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following  a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a  sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next  table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He  asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"  The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those  are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning, a delicacy!"
 

 The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell,  I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"   The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one  serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
 

 The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and  then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy  of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of  his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are  delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw  you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

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 September 07, 2006 1:13 PM

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roaring with Laughter! I LOVE YOU ALL BROTHERS AND SISTERS September 07, 2006 1:12 PM

Thank you Davida and Soren.  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 September 05, 2006 12:27 PM

Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many  
trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair, wearing
a white robe and sandals, and holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?"  

The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead.

The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.

The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the President.  

The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to  
the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like
Moses to you?"  

The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.  

"Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he ignores  
me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!" Again the
president yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.  

The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and
whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"  

The man leaned over and whispered back, "Yes, I am Moses. However,
the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East where there is no oil."
 [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
What gender is a computer ?? September 03, 2006 11:51 PM

What gender is a Computer?

A language instructor was explaning to her class that SpanishNouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like “Chalk” or “pencil” , she describe, would have a gender association – even though in English, these words were neutral.

Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a computer?” The teacher wasn’t certain, so he divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of women, the other, of men. Both groups were to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
  1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
  2. they have a lot of data but are still clueless
  3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they are the problems.
  4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that, if you’d waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to as feminine because:
  1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic (the way they reason).
  2. The native language they use in communicating with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
  3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
  4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check (savings) on accessories for it.
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 September 03, 2006 6:00 PM

Essie  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
roaring with laughter thank you sweet sis!! Love ya Essie September 01, 2006 6:38 PM

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 August 30, 2006 4:29 AM

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven.

There, they are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning, what would you like to hear them say about you?"The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
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 August 25, 2006 11:36 AM

A Swiss guy visiting Sydney, Australia, pulls up at a bus stop where two locals are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.

The two Aussies just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries.

The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?"

No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"

Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Aussie turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
 [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 August 25, 2006 11:35 AM

Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!

Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil till I get there

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?
Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu!
Didn't I see you yesterday?

 [ send green star]  [ accepted]

 
 August 24, 2006 11:45 PM

How do crazy people go through the forest?


They take the psychopath.

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 August 24, 2006 11:44 PM

All in a Day's Work  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
roaring with laughter thank you sweet sis!! Love ya Essie August 24, 2006 4:50 AM

*  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 August 24, 2006 3:25 AM

Dividing Nuts

On the outskirts of town, there was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.
The bucket was so full, several rolled out toward the fence.
Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He knew what it was. "Oh, my!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!" He cycled down the road as fast as he could and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come quick!" said the boy. "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."
The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!"
After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself."
Shivering with fear, they peered through the fence, yet they were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy.

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Philosophy stuff... August 24, 2006 3:20 AM

"To do is to be."
(Sokrates)

"To be is to do."
(Voltaire)

"Do-be-do-be-do!"
(Frank Sinatra)

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Hey Guys I think I over Slept! love ya all Essie August 22, 2006 10:08 AM

new meds and overslept.  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
roaring with laughter thank you sweet sis!! Love ya Essie August 21, 2006 6:29 PM

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 August 21, 2006 1:14 AM

Punny Biblical Q&A's

Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A: Noah; he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.

Q: Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A: Pharaoh's daughter; she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A: Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
A: David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
A: Honda... because the apostles were all in one Accord.
A: 2 Cor. 4:8 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen, "We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement."

Q: Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A: Samson; he brought the house down.

Q: Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
A: In the Big Inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second, Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

 [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Hey Guys click here. LOL!! August 20, 2006 1:40 PM

http://www.flowgo.com/star/index.cfm?i=6B85C25A29FB4C39&page_id=243131&email=estrellita34746%40yahoo.com  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Thank you Davida And Rhonda for the Gift of Laughter! Yay! August 20, 2006 7:07 AM

ahah.gif  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Thank you AnnaMarie for the Gift of Laughter. love ya Essie August 20, 2006 7:03 AM

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 August 19, 2006 10:54 PM

A young man called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona."
"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?"
The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."

 [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 August 18, 2006 10:23 PM

Things We Can Learn

From A Dog


Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

When it's in your best interest, always practice obedience.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps and always stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you are criticized, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.

 [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 August 18, 2006 10:23 PM

Things We Can Learn

From A Dog


Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

When it's in your best interest, always practice obedience.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps and always stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you are criticized, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.

 [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 August 18, 2006 10:17 PM

One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

 [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
roaring with Laughter! I LOVE YOU ALL BROTHERS AND SISTERS August 18, 2006 1:45 PM

ahah.giftHANK yOU!  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 August 18, 2006 1:10 AM

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."
 [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
THE COMPUTER SWALLOWED GRANDMA August 17, 2006 12:27 PM

The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly it’s true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.

It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.

In desperation, I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online'.

So, if inside your 'In box,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy', 'Scan' and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me!

~ Author Unknown ~
 [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 August 15, 2006 7:53 PM


Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Ann Marie, Rose Frances, & Mary Agnes left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July.

It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable. They decided to stop in at Patty McGuire's Pub for a cold soft drink.



Patty had recently added some special legs to his barstools which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley entered the bar through the front door with Father McGinty for a cold drink when they were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw.
 

 

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Thank you for the Gift of Laughter! Laughter is the best Medicine for me! August 15, 2006 6:53 PM

ahah.gif  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
roaring with laughter thank you sweet sis!! Love ya Essie August 15, 2006 2:03 PM

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roaring with laughter thank you sweet sis!! Love ya Essie August 14, 2006 6:52 AM

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 August 14, 2006 4:30 AM

 

If You Can...

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can overlook when people take things out on you,

when through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, 

If you can face the world without lies and deceit, 

If you can conquer tension without medical help, 

If you can relax without liquor, 

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, 

If you can do all these things, 
 

THEN YOU ARE PROBABLY THE FAMILY DOG

 [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 August 13, 2006 3:46 AM

Little Johnny was being questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson. 'If you had ten dollars,' said the teacher, 'and I asked you for a loan of eight dollars, how much would you have left?'

'Ten,' said Little Johnny firmly.

'Ten?' the teacher said 'How do you make it ten?'

'Well,' replied Little Johnny 'You may ask for a loan of eight dollars, but that doesn't mean you'll get it!'
 [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 August 13, 2006 3:43 AM

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
 [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
roaring with laughter thank you sweet sis!! Love ya Essie August 12, 2006 6:13 PM

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 August 11, 2006 7:36 AM

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "What is the chemical formula for water?"

Little Johnny replies, "HIJKLMNO"!!

The teacher, puzzled, asks, "What on Earth are you talking about?"

Little Johnny replies, "Yesterday you said it was H to O!"

 [ send green star]  [ accepted]

 
 August 11, 2006 7:31 AM

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she like the game.

'I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,' she said.

'What do you mean?' he asked.

'Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'

 [ send green star]  [ accepted]

 
 August 11, 2006 7:27 AM

John was furious when his steak arrived too rare.

"Waiter," he shouted, "Didn't you hear me say 'well done'?"

"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."
 [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 August 11, 2006 7:25 AM

Two hydrogen atoms bumped into each other recently.

One said: "Why do you look so sad?"

The other responded: "I lost an electron."

Concerned, One asked "Are you sure?"

The other replied "I'm positive."  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 August 09, 2006 5:18 PM

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were
very  faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten
over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

      Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee. So they
decided  to stop in a nearby cemetery. Having nothing to wipe with,
one of them thought she would take off her panties and use them.

      Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of
panties and  did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat
down
next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she 
proceeded
to wipe with that.

      After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his
normally

sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned
the other husband and said "These damn girls' nights out have got to
stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with
no panties!"

      "That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a
card  stuck between the crack of her butt that said "From all of us at
the  Fire Station. We'll never forget you."
 [ send green star]
 
 August 09, 2006 5:11 PM

A Ladies trip to the restroom


When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually
find a line of
women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once
it's your turn,
you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall
is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking
down the woman
leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't
latch. It doesn't
matter.

The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented
by someone's Mom,
no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your
purse on the door
hook, if there were one, but there isn't - so you
carefully but quickly
drape it around your neck, (Mom would pass out instantly if you put it
on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume
"The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles
begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken
time to wipe the
seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The
Stance."

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach
for what you
discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In
your mind, you can
hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had
tried to clean the
seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!"
Your thighs shake
more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose
on yesterday - the
one that's still in your purse. That would have to do.
You crumple it in
the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than
your thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch
doesn't work. The
door hits your purse, which is hanging around your
neck in front of your
chest, and you and your purse topple backward against
the tank of the
toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the
door, dropping your
precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the
floor, lose your
footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the
TOILET SEAT. It is
wet of course.
You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late.
Your bare bottom
has made contact with every imaginable germ and life
form on the
uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet
paper - not that there
was any, even if you had taken time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if
she knew,
because, you're certain, her bare bottom never touched
a public toilet
seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what
kind of diseases
you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the
toilet is so
confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water
like a firehose
that somehow sucks everything down with such force
that you grab onto
the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged
in too. At that
point, you give up.

You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet
seat. You're
exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you
found in your pocket
and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You
can't figure out how
to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so
you wipe your hands
with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line
of women, still
waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to
them.

A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a
piece of toilet
paper trailing from your shoe. ( Where was that when
you NEEDED it??) You
yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's
hand and tell her
warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since
entered, used and
left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took
you so long, and
why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

. . .This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal
with a public
restroom (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!). It
finally explains to the
men what really does take us so long. It also answers
their other
commonly asked question about why women go to the
restroom in pairs. It's
so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your
purse and hand you
Kleenex under the door.

 [ send green star]
 
 August 09, 2006 2:41 PM

Thanks Annamaria & Runningfox, I really needed a giggle today.  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 August 09, 2006 12:13 PM

The Twins

A woman, who was pregnant with twins, got into a car accident and went into a coma... She was rushed to the hospital where doctors delivered her twins to save them. But as she was in a coma and her husband was overseas on business, her brother was the only one present to name her children.

When she came out of the coma, hours after arriving at the hospital and found out that her brother had named the twins, she was very worried. Her brother was not very bright, and she didn't think he would have done a very good job of choosing her kids' names.

When he came in to see her she asked, "So what names did you choose for my children?"

He replied, "The first born was a girl."

"Oh," started the woman, "and what did you name her??"

"Denise," answered her brother.

The woman was very surprised, and very pleased, "Hey, that's not half bad!" She exclaimed to her brother. "And what did you name the second child?" She waited excitedly to hear the name her brother had chosen for the other child.

"Well, the next born was a boy," her brother informed her.

"Yes, and what did you name him??" inquired the woman.

Replied the brother,

"Denephew."

 [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Roaring with laughter. Thanks Chief RunningFox! August 08, 2006 8:56 AM

i57108988_51945.gif came back in...  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Roaring with laughter. Thanks Chief RunningFox! August 07, 2006 5:55 PM

Essie

 [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 August 05, 2006 12:05 PM

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW.

Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
 [ send green star]
 
 August 05, 2006 12:02 PM

Seinfeld suggestion for dealing with telemarketers:

Telemarketer (TM) Calls

TM-Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long distance service.

Homeowner-Gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later.

TM-Uh, I'm sorry we're not allowed to do that.

Homeowner-Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home.

TM-No.

Homeowner-Well now you know how I feel.




 [ send green star]
 
Roaring with laughter. Thanks Chief RunningFox! August 05, 2006 7:22 AM

Original BabyCha - GIF'dLook I am Dancing...My spirit is Dancing!!!!  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 August 04, 2006 7:24 PM

WalMart Urinalysis

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars ... a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to Walmart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
and
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

 [ send green star]
 
 August 04, 2006 7:22 PM

Funny Things To Do At Wal-Mart While Your Spouse Is Taking His/Her Sweet Time

1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the restrooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Put M&M's on layaway.
8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
11. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
14. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
15. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.
16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
18. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
19. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"
20. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
21. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
22. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud ..."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"

 [ send green star]
 
I love Jokes! They make me feel so wonderful! Hugs! Essie August 04, 2006 7:15 PM

a107a107a107More jokes! More jokes I beg!!!!!   [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
For my brother Chief RunningFox Thank you! hugs.Essie August 04, 2006 7:04 PM

ty.jpg  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Roaring with laughter. Thanks Chief RunningFox! August 04, 2006 4:58 PM

THANKS FOR THE GIFT OF LAUGHTER....

 [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 August 04, 2006 5:44 AM

An old man is sitting on his front porch one morning when he sees a young boy walking down the path carrying a roll of duct tape.

"Hey boy, what ya gonna do with that roll of duct tape?" The man calls out

"I’m going to catch me a load of DUCKS with this here duck tape!" the boy responds.

"Ah! You silly. Any idiot knows you ain’t gonna catch a duck just cuz it’s called DUCK tape!" the old man bellows as he laughs.

That afternoon he sees the boy walking back up the path dragging at least 20 ducks all wrapped in the duct tape. "Well I’ll be damned. That sum’bitch got him some ducks with that duct tape" the man mumbled to himself. The next morning he sees the same boy walking up the path only this time he is carrying a few sheets of chicken wire.

"Hey boy, what ya gonna do with them sheets of wire?" The man calls out.

"I’m going to catch me a load of chickens with this here chicken wire!" the boy responds.

Thinking that the boy could not duplicate the same stroke of luck he had the previous day, the old man mocks him the same way he had the day prior.

"HAHA! You ain’t catchin no chickens with chicken wire!"

Sure enough, later that afternoon, the man spots the boy again walking up the path with at least 50 chickens entangled in the chicken wire. "Well shiver me timbers! That sum’bitch did it again!" The man says to himself.

The day after that, the man sees the boy once again walking up the path only this time he is holding a fist full of flowers. Perplexed, the old man calls out to the boy,

"Hey boy, whatcha got there this mornin?" The old man calls out.

The boy responds: "I got me some PUSSY WILLOWS"

The man nearly falls out of his chair as he yells,
"WAIT UP I’M COMIN WITH YOU!!!"  [ send green star]
 
Thank you Chief RunningFox and Davida! I needed to laugh so much! love ya.Essie August 03, 2006 7:51 PM

essiedaning2.jpg Yay  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 August 03, 2006 7:33 PM

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a very shear blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to go out like that!

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate....

The grandmother says. "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
 [ send green star]
 
 August 02, 2006 12:12 PM

A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told there were fortunes in Race horses, he decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third. The next day the racing sheets carried the headlines,

"Preacher's Ass shows"

The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again and this time he won! The papers said,

"Preacher's Ass out in Front"

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The newspaper printed this headline,

"Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass"

This was just too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Preacher to get rid of the animal. The Preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headlines the next day read,

"Nun has the Best Ass in Town"

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for $10.00. The paper states,

"Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks"

They buried the Bishop the next day.  [ send green star]
 
Ouch!!! August 02, 2006 10:55 AM

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic rubbish bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a 20 note comes flying out onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Madam, there are 20 notes falling out of that bag."
"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find them. Thanks for the  warning!"


"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"


"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my garden backs up to the car park of the football stadium. Each time there's a game a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little winkie through the bushes, I say, 20 or off it comes!"


"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

 


"Well", says the little old lady, "Some of them don't believe me".


 [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 August 01, 2006 8:06 PM

You Might Be In A Redneck Volunteer Fire Department If....
  • Your department has ever had two emergency vehicles pulled over for drag racing on the way to the scene.
  • You have naked lady mud flaps on your pumper.
  • Your firehouse has wheels.
  • You've ever gotten back and found out you locked yourselves out of the firehouse.
  • Fire training consists of everyone standing around a fire gettin' drunk.
  • You've ever let a person's house burn down because they wouldn't let you hunt on their ground.
  • At least one vehicle in the firehouse still has decorations on it from the Halloween Parade and it's January.
  • Your personnel vehicle has more lights on it than your house has lights in it.
  • You don't own a Dalmation, but you do have a coon dog named Sparky.
  • You've ever walked through a christmas display and came up with more than 3 new ideas for a light scheme for your truck.
  • Your rescue truck can smoke the tires.
  • Your department's name is misspelled on the equipment.
  • Your engine had to be towed in the last Christmas Parade.
  • Dispatch can't mention your name without laughing.
  • The local news crew won't put your department on TV because you embarassed them last time.
  • Your defib consists of a pair of jumper cables, a marine battery, and a fish finder.
  • You've ever taken a girl on a date in a pumper.
  • Your pumper has been on fire more times than it has been to a fire.
  • Your pumper smokes more than the house fire.
  • The only time the trucks leave the station is on bingo night.
 [ send green star]
 
 July 30, 2006 11:32 AM

                              Tell-tale Signs of a Loser

  • He has a wife and a cigarette holder - neither one works.
  • If it rained soup he would have a fork instead of a spoon
  • She's had bad luck with two husbands, The first on left her, and the second one won't.
  • She got a divorce and all she got was custody of her 'husbands parents'.
  • He waited for years for Dame Fortune to knock on his door, but it was her daughter, Miss fortune, showed up.
  • He worked two years on his boss's signature, then the perfectly forget check came back, marked 'Insufficient Funds'.
  • If he went into the men's pants business, men would start wearing kilts.
  • He's as useless as a one legged man at an ass kicking contest.
  • Couldn't hit the side of the barn from the inside with all the doors shut.
  • His boss would gladly pay him what he's worth, but it's against the Minimum Wage Law.
  • She bought a house with lots of doors for opportunity to knock on, but only his 'relatives' did.
  • He couldn't direct traffic down a one-way street.
  • She's a two-handicap golfer - she has a boss who won't let her off early, and a husband who keeps her home weekends.
  • She has delusions of adequacy.
 [ send green star]
 
 July 29, 2006 6:49 PM

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 July 29, 2006 4:50 PM

Random Thoughts on Man and Woman Relationships HAPPINESS To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. MEMORY Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. APPEARANCE Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. PROPENSITY TO CHANGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.  [ send green star]
 
Essie trying to post some funny cartoon now..hehe...ok ok here goes! July 28, 2006 5:20 PM

5  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Essie trying to post some funny cartoon now..hehe...ok ok here goes! July 28, 2006 5:18 PM

2  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Essie trying to post some funny cartoon now..hehe...ok ok here goes! July 28, 2006 5:17 PM

3  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Roaring with laughter. Love ya! HUGS! ESSIE July 28, 2006 5:14 PM

Essie  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 July 28, 2006 3:32 PM

Courses Women Should be REQUIRED to take

  • Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
  • The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
  • Parties: Going Without New Outfits
  • Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
  • Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
  • Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
  • Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
  • Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
  • Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
  • Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
  • Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
  • Introduction to Parking
  • Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
  • Water Retention: Fact or Fat
  • Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
  • Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
  • Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
  • Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
  • PMS: Your Problem... Not His
  • Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
  • Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
  • Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
  • Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
  • Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
  • TV Remotes: For Men Only
 [ send green star]
 
Roaring with laughter. Thanks Chief RunningFox! July 27, 2006 8:33 AM

CID_11.gif You have me dancing and roaring with laughter!!!! Thank you for the gift of laughter! You made my morning!

Hugs! Love ya! your sis Essie

 [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 July 27, 2006 7:12 AM

A Letter from Men to Women

To all women,
On behalf of all men I would like to clarify a few points:

  • The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
  • Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.
  • When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.
  • When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.
  • If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.
  • If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.
  • If you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.
  • I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.
  • Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
  • Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.
  • If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.
  • I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.
  • Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.

Thank you for your understanding,
From all men.

 [ send green star]
 
Thank you guys for the gift of Laughter. sure works better than meds. love ya Essie July 26, 2006 5:11 PM

Essie  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Roaring with laughter. Love ya! HUGS! ESSIE July 26, 2006 5:10 PM

Thank you Chief Runningfox and Warrior... you made my evening*  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
anonymous  July 26, 2006 12:31 PM

Advice For Men

This is secret information.
With this knowledge, you will have any woman you want. (hehe, right)

1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better". This will keep her on her toes and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. (Or if she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.)

3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs. They love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is, say you better be. Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement and every girl needs some improvement.

6. Recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most. Then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them, because jewelry is for pussies and Asian chicks.

7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure shes looking. When she is, stare into her eyes and mouth the words "%#&!*% you" and grab the other girls ass. Girls love competition.

8. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick". Women love those special nicknames.

9. Warm her up when she's cold...and not by giving her your jacket... Then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop bitching about the cold right now, you're going to be bitching about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.

10. Take her to a party. When you get there she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party's dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

11. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny. Why shouldn't girls?

12. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

13. Every time you're in her house, steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way she will go crazy.

14. Give her one of your t-shirts......and make sure it has your smell on it, but not a sexy cologne smell. A bad smell. You know what I'm talking about.

15. Titty twisters and plenty of them.

16. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way, she'll think you're mysterious.

17. Remember her birthday but don't get her something. Teach her material objects aren't important. The only thing that's important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

18. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just when ever, take it and tell her you love it. Then next time you know she's coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't like this one that much, but I think it's funny.

19. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will, promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited. Now, don't call.

20. Next time you are having sex, make sure you get off before she does, then get off her and leave. Girls love that.
 [report anonymous abuse]  [ accepted]
 
anonymous  July 26, 2006 12:28 PM

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace the retiring country doctor. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How did you arrive at your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half-dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick." "Huh," the younger doctor said, "pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately." "You've probably been doing too much work for the church,"
the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

"Well, just as you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I saw the preacher under the bed."
 [report anonymous abuse]  [ accepted]
 
anonymous  July 26, 2006 12:23 PM

Man and an Ostrich


A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress bring! s the o rder and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress was curious, so she asked, "How come you always have exact change in in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

 [report anonymous abuse]  [ accepted]

 
anonymous  July 26, 2006 12:16 PM

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace.'"

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence.'"

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2," hard bodied, well hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God..

 [report anonymous abuse]  [ accepted]
 
 July 26, 2006 11:22 AM

T-shirts Seen On Women

  • My husband could have had any women he pleased-he just couldn't please any!
  • Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?
  • So many men, so few who can afford me.
  • God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
  • My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
  • Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
  • Coffee, chocolate, men... Some things are just better rich.
  • Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
  • If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
  • Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
  • It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
  • How can I miss you if you won't go away?
  • Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
  • I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
  • If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
  • I run things at my house! (e.g. the vacuum cleaner, washing machine, iron, etc)
  • Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
  • I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
  • Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
  • Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
  • Do not start with me. You will not win.
  • If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.
  • At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all... I just can't remember it all.
  • You have the right to remain silent, so please shut up.
  • My husband is the head of the household, but I'm the neck (and the neck can turn the head anyway it wants it to move).
 [ send green star]
 
Roaring with laughter. Thanks Chief RunningFox! July 25, 2006 11:22 AM

I love one liner women jokes EssiePhotobucket - Video and Image Hosting  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 July 25, 2006 6:41 AM

One liner women jokes

  • A woman has the last word in any argument.
    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

  • Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.

  • Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

  • Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

  • Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

  • Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

  • If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.

  • Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?

  • Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?'

  • The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

  • Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

  • Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

  • A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.

  • Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

  • Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.

  • Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

  • If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'

  • Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'.

  • The good girls keep the diaries the bad girls never have the time.

  • I always thought that if I were popular, I must be doing something wrong.

  • Unfortunately, sometimes people don't hear you until you scream.

  • The idea of strictly minding our own business is moldy rubbish. Who could be so selfish?

  • When a man gets up to speak, people listen, the look. When a woman gets up people look; then, if they like what they see, they listen.

  • When you have a baby, you set off an explosion in your marriage, and when the dust settles, your marriage is different from what it was. Not better, necessarily; but different.

  • It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

  • A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.(Gloria Steinem)

  • Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.

  • Personally, I think if a woman hasn't met the right man by the time she's 24, she may be lucky.

  • Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

  • Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilty and I'll show you a man.

  • Whenever I dwell for any length of time on my own shortcoming, they gradually begin to seem mild, harmless, rather engaging little things, not at all like the staring defects in other people's charachters.

  • When he is late for dinner and I know he must be either having an affair or lying dead in the street, I always hope he's dead.

  • A man's home may seem to be his castle on the outside; inside it is more often his nursery

  • Men are taught to apologize for their weaknesses; women for their strengths.

  • The phrase "working mother" is redundant.

  • Being a parent is tough. If you just want a wonderful little creature to love, you can get a puppy.

  • The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love; which includes not only others but ourselves as well.

  • If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question!

 [ send green star]
 
Roaring with laughter. Thanks Chief RunningFox! July 24, 2006 1:47 PM

Essie is waiting for woman one liner jokes.  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 July 24, 2006 10:25 AM

Still more one liner men jokes----Women one liner jokes are coming tomorrow so you women get ready..

  • Men approve of premarital sex until daughters are born.

  • If a man appears sexy, caring and smart give him a day or two, He'll be back to his usual self.

  • A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
    So she gets a divorce.

  • Marriage certificate?
    It's just another name for her work permit.

  • When a newly married woman smiles, all know why, but when a ten-years married woman smiles, all wonder why.

  • "It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife and children.
    I will never forget that game of cards..."

  • Men lie about their jobs, drive cars they can't afford, wear toupees and loose shirts that hide their stomachs, and say they want a "real woman"...
  • Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a mans sex drive by 90 percent.... Wedding cake!!!

  • Bigamy is having one husband too many.
    Some say monogamy is the same.

  • If a man suggests that you take a break from vacuuming the living room and relax what it means is he can't hear the TV

  • If you think he's listening to you, you're wrong he's trying to convert what you just said into something with a sexual connotation

  • If a man had a thought in his head, it would get lonely!

  • If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.

  • Men are like roller coasters: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.

  • Behind every great man is a woman with a vibrator

  • If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.

  • Scientist have finally discovered the chemical formula for Viagra.
    1% Sodium
    1% Iron
    1% Phosphate
    97% Fix-a-Flat

  • Remember; you are known by the idiot you accompany

  • Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

  • Women don't make fools of men most of them are the "do-it-yourself" types.

  • The best reason to divorce or break-up with a man is for health reasons you're sick of him.

  • The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

  • If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.

  • A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh alright, I'll stay the night."

  • Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

  • Always wear high heels, it makes it easier to look down on him.

  • Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men a woman

  • When God made Man, she was just kidding.

  • If God had wanted men to be perfect, he'd have given them brains

  • Men is proof even God makes mistakes

  • Men? On the whole, I'd rather buy new batteries.

  • Men read Playboy for the articles women go to malls for the music.

  • Men are creatures with two legs and eight hands.

  • Men love sex with redheads, but their wives don't appreciate it!

  • Men are fun to argue with, because even IF they win...they lose.

  • Men of quality respect women's equality.

  • Men play the game. Women know the score.

  • Flies spread disease, keep your's zipped

  • Men and women were created equal, but women continued to improve.

  • Women are a pain in the ass, men are a pain EVERYWHERE!

  • Men have a joystick whereas women just have a game port.

  • Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.

  • Men, stupid? You'd be dense too if you had your brain in your pants!

  • If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming way too high

  • It was love at first sight. He walked by and I saw the twinkle in his eye.
    I never knew that someone could be so in love with his own reflection in the mirror.

  • Women are indeed silly, we sleep with men, who if they were women, we wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.

  • Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

 [ send green star]
 
Roaring with laughter. Love ya! HUGS! ESSIE July 23, 2006 6:43 PM

Thanks for dessert sweet Chief Runningfox.  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 July 23, 2006 2:00 PM

           More Men Jokes
  • Men are like....Animals
    Messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but occasionally make great pets.

  • Men are like.....Bank accounts.
    Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

  • Men are like....Beer.
    The first sip is always bitter.
    No matter how many varieties you try, they are essentially the same; tasteless, full of bubbles, destabilize your metabolism and give you a headache, but somehow they linger and you either can't finish one or you can't get enough.

  • Men are like.....Bike helmets.
    Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

  • Men are like....Bras.
    They offer light, medium and complete support.
  • Men are like....Buses.
    They come every 15 minutes.

  • Men are like....Buses.
    They have spare tires and smell funny.

  • Men are like....Computers.
    And a smart woman keeps a backup.

  • Men are like.....Copiers.
    You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

  • Men are like.....Curling irons.
    They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

  • Men are like.....Fires.
    They go out if unattended!

  • Men are like....Fine wine. They start out as grapes.
    It's our job to stomp them, and then keep them in the dark until they mature.
    And hopefully they'll turn out to be something we would like to have dinner with.

  • Men are like.....High heels.
    They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

  • Men are like.....Lava lamps.
    Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

  • Men are like.....Mascara.
    They usually run at the first sign of emotion

  • Men are like.....Mini skirts.
    If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

  • Men are like....Oreos.
    Once you eat the cream they aren't good anymore!

  • Men are like.....Placemats.
    They only show up when there's food on the table

  • Men are like.....Recliners.
    You pull the lever and they lay back

  • Men are like....Teeth.
    You ignore them - you lose them.

  • Husbands are like....Children
    They're fine if they're someone else's.



 [ send green star]
 
Essie tells a Joke!!! July 22, 2006 6:58 PM

Ok Everyone here knows by now Essie likes to send messages to her friends. ok ok Well I never learned how to do testys with photos so I was like ...hehe ok ok I shall stop this is positive energy vibes ok Essie will be happy  ok ok....well I saw a new thing in care2. Auto-reply...well you know Essie wanted to learn pronto. So...my sis here Christia in care2. showed me how...when I emailed her a message I want to learn how to auto reply...so I followed instructions.  The first auto  reply I did was sent to  me myself ...ok ok...will cheer up...so finally after I faced this auto reply again sent many to my wonderful angel friends here. Why did I tell this story now? Heck I do not know 

 [ send green star]  [ accepted]

 
Gracias Chief Runningfox! Roaring with laughter. I sure needed dessert after Dinner! July 22, 2006 6:51 PM

Essie  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 July 22, 2006 6:28 PM

  • Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
    Because they can understand them

  • What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
    A. No mind.
    B. No business.

  • Why is a woman different from a PC?
    A woman won't accept a 3˝" floppy."

  • What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
    Exchange him.

  • Why do bachelors like smart women?
    Opposites Attract.

  • What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
    After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

  • Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
    To knock the penises off the smart ones.

  • Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
    When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

  • What do you call a handcuffed man?
    Trustworthy.

  • Why are men like commercials?
    You can't believe a word they say.

  • What do men and pantyhose have in common?
    They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

  • Why are men like blenders?
    You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

  • You know there is a company selling real brains for transplant now?
    A male brain costs $75000 and a female brain costs $25000
    The female brains are sold as "used"

  • Men-tal Anxiety. . . Men-opause. . . Men-tal Breakdown. . .
    Ever noticed that all problems start with MEN?

  • Why did the man cross the road?
    Who knows why the hell men do anything?

  • How can you tell when a man is well hung?
    When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

  • Why do so many women fake orgasm?
    Because so many men fake foreplay.

  • How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?
    It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway.

  • Why is a hard man good to find?
    You don't have to stay up half the night massaging his ego.

  • What's the best way to kill a man?
    Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

  • How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
    Rename the mail folder to "Instruction Manual."


More MEN Jokes Tomorrow..There are lots more then it will be time for women jokes..stay tuned there will be more.... Yuk Yuk Yuk
 [ send green star]
 
 July 22, 2006 6:25 PM

  • What do you call an intelligent man in America?
    A tourist.

  • Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
    To keep them from grazing.

  • Why do men name their penises?
    Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.

  • Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
    Because they already have boyfriends.

  • Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
    He had it bronzed.

  • How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
    Two ways to cross a river.

  • What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
    The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

  • Why are men like chocolate candies?
    They look good on the outside but once it gets inside you, it's either too small, gross, or stuck to the top.

  • What's black and blue and lying in a ditch?
    A man who told too many blonde jokes.

  • What is a man's view of safe sex?
    A padded headboard.

  • How do men sort their laundry?
    "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

  • Why did God create man?
    Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

  • Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
    A.So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
    B.So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block.

  • What is the thinnest book in the world?
    "What men know about women."

  • How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?
    A.One - men will screw anything.
    B.One - men will screw up anything.
    C.Five - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it

  • How does a man take a bubble bath?
    He eats beans for dinner.

  • What is a man's idea of foreplay?
    A half hour of begging.

  • How can you tell if a man is aroused?
    He's breathing.

  • What's the difference between men and government bonds?
    Bonds mature.

  • How do you save a man from drowning?
    Take your foot off his head.

  • What do men and beer have in common?
    They're both empty from the neck up.

  • How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
    Who knows? Did it ever happen??

  • How are men and parking spots alike?
    The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

  • What is a man's idea of doing housework?
    Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

  • What is the difference between a man and E.T.?
    E.T. phoned home.

  • What does a man consider a seven course meal?
    A hot dog and a six pack.

  • Do you know why bankers are good lovers?
    They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

  • Do you know why men have holes in the end of their penises?
    So oxygen can get into their brains

  • How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
    Put the remote control between his toes

  • Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
    So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions

  • How do men exercise on the beach?
    By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini

 [ send green star]
 
 July 22, 2006 6:23 PM

  • Why don't men die in their sleep?
    'Cuz they can't do two things at the same time.

  • What do you call a caring, considerate and gifted man?
    A Myth.

  • Why do women always wear black to bed?
    To mourn the dead pricks beside them!!

  • Why did God Create man first?
    1. Practice makes perfect.
    2. Give us someone to bitch at immidately.
    3. There's a frist draft with anything.
    4. To see what needed to be fixed and then make the proper changes.
    5. First is the worst.........Second is the best!
    6. To be funny

  • Woman: "I got a set of golf clubs for my husband"
    Friend: "GREAT trade!"

  • How do you scare a man ?
    Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

  • Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
    Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

  • Did you really throw your husband out on the street naked, for taking a bath with Bubbles?
    Yes I did, and I threw Bubbles out too.

  • Why do men prefer blondes?
    Men always like intellectual company.

  • "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
    "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

  • How does the single woman get rid of roaches?
    She asks them for a commitment.

  • If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
    How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?

  • Why do men like love at first sight?
    It saves them a lot of time.

  • How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
    In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

  • Why don't men have mid-life crises?
    They stay stuck in adolescence.

  • How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
    He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

  • How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
    All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

  • How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
    At the circus the clowns don't talk.

  • Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
    For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

  • Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
    They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.

  • What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
    A. A dog is always happy to see you
    B. A dog only takes a couple of months to train

  • Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
    Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

  • Why are blonde jokes so short?
    So men can remember them.

  • What do you call a man with half a brain?
    Gifted.

  • What should you give a man who has everything?
    A. A woman to show him how to work it.
    B. Penicillin

  • Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
    To stop the snoring before it starts.

  • What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
    One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

  • What did God say after creating man?
    I can do better.

  • Why do men want to marry virgins?
    They can't stand criticism.

  • What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
    A man's undivided attention.

  • How is a man like a snowstorm?
    Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay
 [ send green star]
 
 July 22, 2006 6:21 PM

  • Why don't men wear tight underwear?
    It cuts off circulation to the brain!

  • Why do men have broad shoulders and big foreheads?
    When you ask them a question, they shrug their shoulders and say, "I don't know."
    When you tell them the answer, they slap their foreheads and say, "Ohhhhhh."

  • Why are vibrators better than men?
    Because they never screw other women, never come in drunk, and you don't have to do their laundry!

  • Why do men die before their wives?
    They should.

  • What is the difference between men and women?
    A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need........
    A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need

  • How does a man keep his youth?
    By giving them money, furs and diamonds.

  • Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
    A mental hospital.

  • What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
    Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

  • Why are hangovers better than men?
    Hangovers will go away.

  • How are men and batteries different?
    Batteries have a positive side.

  • Why is virginity like a baloon?
    All it takes is one small prick and it's gone.

  • What is the difference between garbage and men?
    Garbage gets thrown out and stays out!

  • How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    No one knows, the ex-wife always gets the house.

  • Why are men like strawberries?
    Because they take a long time to mature and by the time they do most are rotten.

  • Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
    So men can tell if they are coming or going.

  • Why does a man have a clear conscience?
    Because it's never used.

  • What do UFO's and caring men have in common?
    You keep hearing about them but never see any for yourself.

  • Why is dating like a game of cards?
    Because if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

  • How do you confuse a man?
    You don't have to - they're born that way

  • Why don't women like basketball players as lovers?
    Because they dribble before they shoot.

  • What are the three types of men?
    The handsome, the caring and the majority

  • What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
    You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.

  • What should you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?
    Slow down

  • What's the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
    One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching himself. The other is a chimpanzee.

  • How can you tell if your husband's dead?
    Sex is the same but you get the remote.

  • What food describes most men?
    Jerky.

  • Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
    In the pages of a romance novel.

  • How do we know men invented maps?
    Who else would make an inch into a mile?

  • Why did they kick the man out of the airport?
    He kept throwing stale bread at the plane.

  • What's the hardest thing to teach a man?
    How to operate a waste basket.

  • What's the difference between a man and a messy room?
    You can straighten up a messy room.

  • Did you hear about the two men who went ice fishing?
    They caught 200 pounds of ice, but drowned when they tried to cook it.

  • Then there's the jigsaw puzzle for men.
    It only has one piece, And most of the time, it's missing.

  • Why did God create men?
    She forgot to put the legs on snakes.

  • Why women like bidets?
    Because men don't know what they are.

  • How do you get a man on the roof?
    Tell him the beers on the house.

  • Do you always tell your husband when you've had an orgasm?
    No way! I'm not going to call home every time!

  • When does a man develop a brain?
    The day he gets married.

  • Why did the man sell his water skis?
    He couldn't find a lake on a hill.

  • How can you tell if a man is a Male Chauvinist Pig?
    He thinks "harass" is two words
 [ send green star]
 
Roaring with laughter thank you Wendy, Annamaria, Warrior! July 20, 2006 7:21 PM

Thank you I love you all. I needed to laugh and swallow  my meds. Hehe! You all made my day and nite.  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
anonymous  July 20, 2006 4:29 PM

The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time a guy ask a girl to marry him. The girl said "NO" and the guy lived happily every after and went fishing, hunting and played golf alot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

Or.........

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, "Will you marry me?" The guy said "No" and the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.

The End


 [report anonymous abuse]  [ accepted]
 
 July 19, 2006 11:38 PM


An English teacher wrote this phrase on the board and asked her students to properly punctuate it:

"Woman without her man is nothing."

MEN WROTE: Woman, without her man, is nothing.

WOMEN WROTE: Woman! Without her, man is nothing.
 [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 July 19, 2006 11:34 PM


Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's numbing cream during root canal work?

He wanted to transcend dental medication!  

 [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 July 19, 2006 11:28 PM


A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the service the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
 [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Do not mess with children! :) July 19, 2006 6:50 PM

Seven reasons not to mess with children.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.


The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.


The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.


Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.


The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".


The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"


The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".




A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.


As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.


The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."


The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."


Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."



 [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Thank you Waya, Chief Runningfox,Olegreymike! July 19, 2006 3:44 PM

 [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Hey I love you Guys! How did you know I needed to laugh??? hehehehe! July 19, 2006 3:42 PM

Thank you I love you...I love you...  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 July 19, 2006 3:30 PM

That reminds me, there was a news story of a lens grinder that fell  into his machine and made a specticle of himself.

The butcher down the street backed into his grinder and got a little behind in his work.

 

 [ send green star]  [ accepted]

 
 July 19, 2006 3:28 PM

Did you hear about the cremation stewart that fell into his equipment ?

 He made a total ash of himself.

 [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 July 19, 2006 2:50 PM

Things to think about:

1) I can please only one person per day. Today is not your
day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

2) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing
altogether.

3) Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the
privilege.

4) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the
escape key.

5) Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery
won't spoil me.

6) Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise?

7) Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.

8) Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything
doesn't Go Wrong at once.

9) The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if
you win, you're still a rat.

10) I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who
haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.

11) If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you
explain whales?

12) There's no speed limit on the Information Superhighway.

13) It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.

14) There are two rules for ultimate success in life.
Never tell everything you know.

15) Do unto others, then run.....................  [ send green star]
 
The Little Girl and her dog Susie May 19, 2006 11:12 AM

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the
Block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."

Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash.

Dad asked, "Where is Susie?"

The little girl said, "She will be here in a minute, she ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home."
 [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 May 16, 2006 5:14 PM

a href=  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Roaring with laughter. Great Dessert especially after Dinner! May 16, 2006 4:48 PM

    sweet sis Davida!Essie  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 May 16, 2006 1:51 PM

Top 11 Signs Your Computer is Possessed

 

11.   It grew a Goatee.

 

10.   There's blood dripping from the case and you haven't installed any hardware recently.

 

9.   Your monitor starts spinning and all the text turns green.

 

8.   "Games" folder suddenly renamed to "Come Play With Us"

 

7.   CD-tray keeps ejecting "The Bible on CD" every time you try to read it.

 

6.   Firewall keeps popping up balloons that read "I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Dave."

 

5.   Your e-mail account gets suspended for suspected spamming due to 666 messages per day sent to satan@msn.com

 

4.   No matter what you type it all comes out "redrum".

 

3.   You recently inserted a CD from Sony Music.

 

2.   It keeps trying to open port 666 in your firewall.

 

1.   BSOD instructions tell you to say "The power of DOS compels you!" in order to reboot.

 

http://www.bbspot.com/News/2006/02/top-11-signs-your-computer-is-possessed.html

 

 [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
hugs and hugs!Essie May 14, 2006 2:03 PM

Essie  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Thank you for the beautiful Jokes sweet friends! Sure help me make my meds go down in the most Yumy May 13, 2006 12:19 PM

Essie  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Davida! roaring with laughter. You made my evening! May 10, 2006 5:45 PM

*  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 May 10, 2006 12:59 PM

+-- Bizarre Doctors' Notes From Patient Charts --+

Fetus is a male, no other gross abnormalities found.

Patient states he is in good health except for his illness.

Experienced mood swings because she suffered from PBS.

Since the patient stopped smoking, his smell is beginning to return.

She is quite hard of hearing, as a matter of fact, she can't hear at all out of her left eye.

The patient was bitten by a bat as he walked down the street on his thumb.

He was advised to force fluids through his interpreter.

Patient denies any auditory, tactile, or old factory
hallucinations.

Cause of death unknown; had never been fatally ill before.

Went to bed feeling well, but woke up dead.

Cultures were negative for orgasms.

[From netscape.com]
 [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 March 31, 2006 5:50 PM

Davida, I love his reation to chili #6.  I'm sitting here laughing so hard. My guy is looking at me like I'm crazy.

That was a really good laugh!!!

t

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Thanks to Mother Earths Child for sending me this March 31, 2006 11:59 AM

If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks, then there's no hope for you! *Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 - Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy %#&!*%, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Chili # 2 - Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chili # 3 - Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting %#&!*%-faced from all of the beer.


Chili # 4 - Bubba's Black Magic

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


Chili # 5 - Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those red necks


Chili #6 - Vera's Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1:  Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.  Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2:  The best yet.  Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3:  I %#&!*% on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.  No one seems inclined to stand behind me but that %#&!*% Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought.  Can't feel my lips anymore.  I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.


Chili #7 - Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1:  A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2:  Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.  I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3.  He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3:  You could a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel and thing.  I've lost sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.  I think I see a bright light at the end of a dark tunnel in my blind eye.  My shirt is covered in chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.  My pants are full of lava like %#&!*% to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.  I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.  Screw it.  I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it through the 4-inch hold in my stomach.


Chili # 8 - Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge # 1:  The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.  Not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.

Judge # 2:  This final entry is a good, balanced chili.  Neither mild, not hot.  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on himself.  Not sure he's going to make it.  Poor dude, wonder how he would have reacted to really hot chili?
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 March 31, 2006 11:52 AM

Warrior, that is too funny for words.

Hilarious!     h

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anonymous  March 31, 2006 6:14 AM

According to Snopes, this one is true! Be careful...

I am a victim of the latest scam which is happening in shopping mall parking lots. Two good looking young women come to your car as you are parking, one starts wiping your windshield with a rag and the other comes to your window and bends over so far her breasts just about fall out of her blouse.

While you're distracted, the other one lets her self in the backseat and then they both start begging you for a ride home. Be very wary, because as soon as you start driving, one of them will take off her shirt and rub her breasts on you while the other climbs over the seat and unzips your pants.

This is when they steal your wallet. I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, but I couldn't find them on Saturday or Sunday.
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Roaring with laughter! Thank you sweet Warrior! March 31, 2006 3:21 AM

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anonymous  March 31, 2006 1:10 AM

FOTTLE
I went to the US Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented. 
I said, "A folding bottle."
She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"
"A Fottle."
"What else do you have?"
"A folding carton."
"What do you call it?"
"A Farton."
She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.
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Thank you sweet Chief RunningFox!HugsEssie March 27, 2006 3:14 PM

f  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Roaring with laughter! sure heps my meds go down!l March 27, 2006 3:12 PM

thanks for the jokes... it sure helped me take my doses of Meds! I send many hugs and thank you sweet brother!Essie  Before I was now your jokes and look at meEssie  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
anonymous  March 27, 2006 2:20 PM

FINNEGAN AND THE IRISH RAILWAY

 The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway:

 Gentlemen,

I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

Yours truly, 
 
       Patrick Finnegan

Dear Mr. Finnegan, 
 
       We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
 
Sincerely, 
 
       Larnrod Eireann.

Gentlemen, 
 
       I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
 
       Patrick Finnegan

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Came back in to Thread to read the jokes again! March 04, 2006 4:01 PM

Laughter is a great Dessert  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Thank you again Sweet brother Warrior! March 04, 2006 12:03 AM

Essie  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
Roaring with Laughter...Thank you sweet brother and welcome back!! March 02, 2006 6:55 AM

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anonymous Learn Chinese fast February 28, 2006 2:20 PM

1) That's not right......................... Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harbouring a fugitive............ Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP.............................. Kum Hia

4) Stupid Man............................... Dum Fuk

5) Small Horse.............................. Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach......... ........ Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped the coffee table............. .. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

8) I think you need a face lift...... ..... Chin Tu Fat

9) It's Very dark in here................... Wai So Dim

10) I Thought you were on a diet............. Wai Yu Mun Ching

11) This is a tow away zone.................. No Pah King

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week... Wai Yu Kum Nao

13) Staying out of sight...... ............. Lei Ying Lo

14) He's cleaning his automobile . ......... Wa Shing Ka

15) Your body odor is offensive.............. Yu Stin Ki Pu

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Thank you for the Gift of Laughter sweet chief Runningfox! February 26, 2006 5:00 PM

Essie  [ send green star]  [ accepted]
 
 February 12, 2006 7:43 PM

Where are you from? The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony."
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 February 10, 2006 6:16 PM

The "Environmental Engineering News" published some rather sobering information about punishment for drunk driving convictions in other countries.

In Australia, the names of drunk drivers are printed in newspapers under the caption, "He's drunk and in jail."

In Malaysia the driver is jailed and, if married, the spouse is jailed.

In the United Kingdom, Finland and Sweden there's an automatic jail term of one year.

In Turkey, drunk drivers are driven twenty miles out of town and forced to walk back ten miles.

In Bulgaria, a second drunk-driving conviction results in capital punishment.

In El Salvador, your first offense is your last -- execution by firing squad.

From the August Road & Track.
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 February 04, 2006 5:22 PM

THINGS YOU CAN LEARN FROM YOUR CAT
Make the world your playground.
blue glassy button Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging
clear icona sock over it helps.
blue glassy button If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard
clear iconuntil you do.
blue glassy button When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you
clear iconjust to shut you up.
blue glassy button Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.
blue glassy button Nap often.
blue glassy button When in trouble, just purr and look cute.
blue glassy button Life is hard, and then you nap.
blue glassy button Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few
clear iconhours.
blue glassy button When in doubt, cop an attitude.
blue glassy button Variety is the spice of Life. One day, ignore people;
clear iconthe next day, annoy them.
blue glassy button Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains
clear iconare there. blue glassy button Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each
clear iconcorner.
blue glassy button Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the
clear iconbed tells them, "I care."
blue glassy button When you have something important to say, try to say
clear iconit in the dead of night when you're SURE everyone's
clear iconsleeping. There's no better way to get the attention
clear iconyou deserve.
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 January 12, 2006 3:38 PM

Getting old when You know you're getting older when...

Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.

Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.

Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.

Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.

You look forward to a dull evening.

Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
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 January 12, 2006 3:37 PM

Grandma changed In the dim and distant past
When life's tempo wasn't so fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat and baby sit.

When the kids were in a jam,
They could always call on Gram.
But today she's in the gym
Exercising to keep slim.

She's checking the web or surfing the net,
Sending some e-mail or placing a bet.
Nothing seems to stop or block her,
Now that Grandma's off her rocker.  [ send green star]
 
Jokes 2 December 27, 2005 12:31 PM

Laws Of Unreliability


1.Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.

2.At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.

3.Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.

4.Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.

5.Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done.

6.The only difference between a fool and a criminal is that the fool will attack a system unpredictably and on a broader front.

7.A system tends to grow in complexity instead of simplicity, until the resulting unreliability becomes intolerable.

8.Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in proportion to their inherent unreliability.

9.The error-detection and -correction capabilities of any system serve as a key to understanding the types of errors it cannot handle.

10.All real programs contain errors until proven otherwise which is impossible.

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