Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically
under the stall walls of your neighbor's while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"


 Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of
toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

 [ send green star]

A little old lady comes out of the mall and coming towards her car she sees four guys just jumping into it.
She screamed "NOOOO" and pulled a small pistol out of her purse and said: " Dont make me use this!"
The four young guys JUMPED out and ran off.
The little ladY then proceded into the car and after driving a few minutes realised " hey this ISNT my car" so she turned around and went back to the mall to put it back.
She then got in her REAL car and went down to the police station to report that 4 guys were trying to steal someone elses car. At the police station she sees the SAME four guys and hears one of them shouting:
"A LITTLE OLD LADY JUST PULLED A GUN AND STOLE OUR CAR !"

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

The religious Horse

Once a man bought a horse. You had to say ?hallelujah? to make it go and ?amen? to make it stop.

The man was riding his horse one day but then he realized he was riding to an edge of a cliff.

He was so scared he forgot how to make the horse stop. He thought this was the end of his life and he started praying, ending the prayer by saying ?amen?.

The horse suddenly stopped at the edge of the cliff. 'hallelujah' said the man with a sigh of relief and off went the horse?

(Thanks Sara)

 [ send green star]

An Lt was transferred to a new unit. After getting settled into his new office, the Lt was sitting at his desk, arranging things, when a private knocked on his door. Not wanting to look useless, he picked up the phone, and said "Enter" He motioned for the private to wait, and said into the phone "Yes Colonel, yes sir, yes sir, I’ll get those documents to you as soon as possible. Yes Sir, have a good day, sir."

After hanging up, he looked impatiently at the private, "yes, what do you want?"

The private sheepishly answered: "Well sir, I’m here to install the phone line for you, sir!"

 [ send green star]

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a very shear blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to go out like that!

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate....

The grandmother says. "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

Happy Gardening.

 [ send green star]

GRANDMA STILL DRIVES!!!

Grandma's letter.

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter:

    The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy
that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and
put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.

    I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
light  had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of
people love Jesus!

    While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, For the love of God! Go! Go! Go!  Jesus Christ, GO! What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and
started waving and smiling at  all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

    I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat
what that  meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I  have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out
the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people w ere so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

    I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I  attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all  my brothers
and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the
light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the
window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

    Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!! Will write again soon, Love, Grandma

 [ accepted]

 [ send green star]  [ accepted]

Thanks for the inspiration and laughs! I needed that today!

Love and light, Hope

www.hope4survivors.com

 [ send green star]  [ accepted]

Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den.

The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

NASA was interviewing professionals they were thinking of sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one-way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth.

The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater--Rice University."

The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question. "Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies," he responded.

"Oh!, Killed any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

"Tater People"

Some people never seem motivated to participate,
 but are just content to watch while others do the work.
They are called "Speck Taters".

Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at
finding fault with The way others do the work.
They are called "Comment Taters".

Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do,
 but don't want to soil their own hands.
They are called "Dick Taters".

Some people are always looking to cause problems
by asking others to agree with them.
 It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet.
They are called "Agie Taters".

There are those who say they will help, but somehow
 just never get around to actually doing the promised help.
They are called "Hezzie Taters".

Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not.
They are called "Emma Taters".

Then there are those who love others and do what they say they will.
They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand.
 They bring real sunshine into the lives of others.
They are called "Sweet Taters".

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

hei, it's not collaborating....

... overturned his wag wheat on the road.

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

Maybe the whole joke is betterr, hi hi hi!!!

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wag

"Hey, Willis," he called out, "forget your troubles for a while and come and have dinner with us. Then I'll help you overturn the wagon."

"That's very nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Dad would like me to."

"Aw, come on, son!" the farmer insisted.

"Well, OK," the boy finally agreed, "but Dad won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked the host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Dad's going to be real upset."
"Don't be silly!" said the neighbor. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon," replied Willis.

 [ send green star]  [ accepted]

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wag

"Hey, Willis," he called out, "forget your troubles for a while and come and have dinner with us. Then I'll help you overturn the wagon."

"That's very nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Dad would like me to."

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."

"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"

"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out,

"Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward.

"Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."

"Good," said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets. We're one short."

 [ send green star]  [ accepted]

Irish Medical Dictionary

Artery......................The study of paintings.
Bacteria................... Back door to cafeteria.
Barium..................... What doctors do when patients die.
Benign..................... What you be, after you be eight.
Caesarean Section..... A neighbourhood in Rome.
Cat scan...................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her.
Colic.........................A sheep dog.
Coma........................A punctuation mark.
Dilate........................To live long.
Enema.......................Not a friend.
Fester.......................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula........................A small lie.
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
Labour Pain.................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid........................A higher offer.
Nitrates......................Cheaper than day rates.
Node..........................I knew it.
Outpatient...................A person who has fainted.
Pelvis......................... Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative..............A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.............Place to do upholstery.
Rectum.......................Nearly killed him.
Secretion....................Hiding something.
Seizure.......................Roman emperor.
Tablet........................A small table.
Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport.
Tumour.......................One plus one more.
Urine...........................Opposite to your out.

 [report anonymous abuse]  [ accepted]

* Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

* I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

* If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry.

* The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him constantly.

* If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

* Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

* I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at nothing right after my human has finished watching "The X-Files".

* No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human's earrings are not cat toys.

* If I play 'dead cat on the stairs' while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true.

* The canned cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor.

* I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer.

* It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it all dissolves in the boiling coffee.

* The goldfish likes living in water and must be allowed to remain in its bowl.

* If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.

* I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.

* I am a neutered cat, not a peacock, and prancing around with my tail fluffed up will not make my parts grow back.

* If I must give a present to my humans's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.

               

  for posting this in another group    [ 

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

Male or Female?

Here are some examples:


FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their arse

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

 [ accepted]

Bono is at a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland when he asks the audience for some Quiet.

Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone...


"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from near the front pierces the silence...


"Well, stop f***ing doing it then!"

 [ accepted]

God the Parent

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam asked.

"Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit." God replied.

"Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve..we got Forbidden Fruit!"

"No way!"

"Where?"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the 'First Parent' asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno," Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"DID so!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own...thus the pattern was set, and it has never changed.

 [ send green star]  [ accepted]

~ On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission".

~ On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

~ Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

~ At a Music Store: "Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner."

~ On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."

~ On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a min-u-et."

~ In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

~ On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."

~ Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

~ In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"

~ On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."

~ In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."

 [ send green star]  [ accepted]

The men in the class wrote:
"A woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women in the class wrote:
"A woman: without her, man is nothing."

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

Roaring with laughter...hehe...Laughter is a great dessert without the calories Thank you so much my sweet friend Essie

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
2. they have a lot of data but are still clueless
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they are the problems.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that, if you’d waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic (the way they reason).
2. The native language they use in communicating with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check (savings) on accessories for it.

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!

Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil till I get there

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?
Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu!
Didn't I see you yesterday?

 [ send green star]  [ accepted]

How do crazy people go through the forest?

They take the psychopath.

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

Dividing Nuts

On the outskirts of town, there was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.
The bucket was so full, several rolled out toward the fence.
Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He knew what it was. "Oh, my!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!" He cycled down the road as fast as he could and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come quick!" said the boy. "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."
The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!"
After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself."
Shivering with fear, they peered through the fence, yet they were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy.

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

"To do is to be."
(Sokrates)

"To be is to do."
(Voltaire)

"Do-be-do-be-do!"
(Frank Sinatra)

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

Punny Biblical Q&A's

Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A: Noah; he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.

Q: Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A: Pharaoh's daughter; she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A: Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
A: David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
A: Honda... because the apostles were all in one Accord.
A: 2 Cor. 4:8 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen, "We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement."

Q: Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A: Samson; he brought the house down.

Q: Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
A: In the Big Inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second, Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

Things We Can Learn

From A Dog

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

When it's in your best interest, always practice obedience.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps and always stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you are criticized, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

Things We Can Learn

From A Dog

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

When it's in your best interest, always practice obedience.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps and always stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you are criticized, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "What is the chemical formula for water?"

Little Johnny replies, "HIJKLMNO"!!

The teacher, puzzled, asks, "What on Earth are you talking about?"

Little Johnny replies, "Yesterday you said it was H to O!"

 [ send green star]  [ accepted]

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she like the game.

'I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,' she said.

'What do you mean?' he asked.

'Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'

 [ send green star]  [ accepted]

The Twins

A woman, who was pregnant with twins, got into a car accident and went into a coma... She was rushed to the hospital where doctors delivered her twins to save them. But as she was in a coma and her husband was overseas on business, her brother was the only one present to name her children.

When she came out of the coma, hours after arriving at the hospital and found out that her brother had named the twins, she was very worried. Her brother was not very bright, and she didn't think he would have done a very good job of choosing her kids' names.

When he came in to see her she asked, "So what names did you choose for my children?"

He replied, "The first born was a girl."

"Oh," started the woman, "and what did you name her??"

"Denise," answered her brother.

The woman was very surprised, and very pleased, "Hey, that's not half bad!" She exclaimed to her brother. "And what did you name the second child?" She waited excitedly to hear the name her brother had chosen for the other child.

"Well, the next born was a boy," her brother informed her.

"Yes, and what did you name him??" inquired the woman.

Replied the brother,

"Denephew."

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

Essie

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

TM-Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long distance service.

Homeowner-Gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later.

TM-Uh, I'm sorry we're not allowed to do that.

Homeowner-Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home.

TM-No.

Homeowner-Well now you know how I feel.

 [ send green star]

WalMart Urinalysis

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars ... a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to Walmart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
and
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

 [ send green star]

Funny Things To Do At Wal-Mart While Your Spouse Is Taking His/Her Sweet Time

1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the restrooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Put M&M's on layaway.
8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
11. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
14. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
15. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.
16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
18. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
19. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"
20. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
21. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
22. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud ..."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"

 [ send green star]

THANKS FOR THE GIFT OF LAUGHTER....

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic rubbish bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a 20 note comes flying out onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Madam, there are 20 notes falling out of that bag."
"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find them. Thanks for the  warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my garden backs up to the car park of the football stadium. Each time there's a game a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little winkie through the bushes, I say, 20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "Some of them don't believe me".

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

• Your department has ever had two emergency vehicles pulled over for drag racing on the way to the scene.
• You have naked lady mud flaps on your pumper.
• Your firehouse has wheels.
• You've ever gotten back and found out you locked yourselves out of the firehouse.
• Fire training consists of everyone standing around a fire gettin' drunk.
• You've ever let a person's house burn down because they wouldn't let you hunt on their ground.
• At least one vehicle in the firehouse still has decorations on it from the Halloween Parade and it's January.
• Your personnel vehicle has more lights on it than your house has lights in it.
• You don't own a Dalmation, but you do have a coon dog named Sparky.
• You've ever walked through a christmas display and came up with more than 3 new ideas for a light scheme for your truck.
• Your rescue truck can smoke the tires.
• Your department's name is misspelled on the equipment.
• Your engine had to be towed in the last Christmas Parade.
• Dispatch can't mention your name without laughing.
• The local news crew won't put your department on TV because you embarassed them last time.
• Your defib consists of a pair of jumper cables, a marine battery, and a fish finder.
• You've ever taken a girl on a date in a pumper.
• Your pumper has been on fire more times than it has been to a fire.
• Your pumper smokes more than the house fire.
• The only time the trucks leave the station is on bingo night.

 [ send green star]

                              Tell-tale Signs of a Loser

• He has a wife and a cigarette holder - neither one works.
• If it rained soup he would have a fork instead of a spoon
• She's had bad luck with two husbands, The first on left her, and the second one won't.
• She got a divorce and all she got was custody of her 'husbands parents'.
• He waited for years for Dame Fortune to knock on his door, but it was her daughter, Miss fortune, showed up.
• He worked two years on his boss's signature, then the perfectly forget check came back, marked 'Insufficient Funds'.
• If he went into the men's pants business, men would start wearing kilts.
• He's as useless as a one legged man at an ass kicking contest.
• Couldn't hit the side of the barn from the inside with all the doors shut.
• His boss would gladly pay him what he's worth, but it's against the Minimum Wage Law.
• She bought a house with lots of doors for opportunity to knock on, but only his 'relatives' did.
• He couldn't direct traffic down a one-way street.
• She's a two-handicap golfer - she has a boss who won't let her off early, and a husband who keeps her home weekends.
• She has delusions of adequacy.

 [ send green star]

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

 [ send green star]

• Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
• The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
• Parties: Going Without New Outfits
• Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
• Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
• Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
• Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
• Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
• Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
• Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
• Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
• Introduction to Parking
• Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
• Water Retention: Fact or Fat
• Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
• Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
• Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
• Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
• PMS: Your Problem... Not His
• Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
• Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
• Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
• Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
• Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
• TV Remotes: For Men Only

 [ send green star]

 You have me dancing and roaring with laughter!!!! Thank you for the gift of laughter! You made my morning!

Hugs! Love ya! your sis Essie

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

A Letter from Men to Women

To all women,
On behalf of all men I would like to clarify a few points:

• The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
• Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.
• When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.
• When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.
• If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.
• If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.
• If you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.
• I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.
• Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
• Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.
• If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.
• I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.
• Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.

Thank you for your understanding,
From all men.

 [ send green star]

Advice For Men

 [ accepted]

Man and an Ostrich


A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress bring! s the o rder and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress was curious, so she asked, "How come you always have exact change in in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

 [report anonymous abuse]  [ accepted]

T-shirts Seen On Women

• My husband could have had any women he pleased-he just couldn't please any!
• Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?
• So many men, so few who can afford me.
• God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
• My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
• Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
• Coffee, chocolate, men... Some things are just better rich.
• Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
• If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
• Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
• It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
• How can I miss you if you won't go away?
• Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
• I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
• If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
• I run things at my house! (e.g. the vacuum cleaner, washing machine, iron, etc)
• Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
• I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
• Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
• Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
• Do not start with me. You will not win.
• If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.
• At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all... I just can't remember it all.
• You have the right to remain silent, so please shut up.
• My husband is the head of the household, but I'm the neck (and the neck can turn the head anyway it wants it to move).

 [ send green star]

• A woman has the last word in any argument.
  Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

• Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.

• Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

• Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

• Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

• Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

• If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.

• Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?

• Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?'

• The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

• Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

• Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.

• Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

• Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.

• Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

• If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'

• Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'.

• The good girls keep the diaries the bad girls never have the time.

• I always thought that if I were popular, I must be doing something wrong.

• Unfortunately, sometimes people don't hear you until you scream.

• The idea of strictly minding our own business is moldy rubbish. Who could be so selfish?

• When a man gets up to speak, people listen, the look. When a woman gets up people look; then, if they like what they see, they listen.

• When you have a baby, you set off an explosion in your marriage, and when the dust settles, your marriage is different from what it was. Not better, necessarily; but different.

• It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

• A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.(Gloria Steinem)

• Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.

• Personally, I think if a woman hasn't met the right man by the time she's 24, she may be lucky.

• Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

• Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilty and I'll show you a man.

• Whenever I dwell for any length of time on my own shortcoming, they gradually begin to seem mild, harmless, rather engaging little things, not at all like the staring defects in other people's charachters.

• When he is late for dinner and I know he must be either having an affair or lying dead in the street, I always hope he's dead.

• A man's home may seem to be his castle on the outside; inside it is more often his nursery

• Men are taught to apologize for their weaknesses; women for their strengths.

• The phrase "working mother" is redundant.

• Being a parent is tough. If you just want a wonderful little creature to love, you can get a puppy.

• The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love; which includes not only others but ourselves as well.

• If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question!

 [ send green star]

• Men approve of premarital sex until daughters are born.

• If a man appears sexy, caring and smart give him a day or two, He'll be back to his usual self.

• A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
  So she gets a divorce.

• Marriage certificate?
  It's just another name for her work permit.

• When a newly married woman smiles, all know why, but when a ten-years married woman smiles, all wonder why.

• "It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife and children.
  I will never forget that game of cards..."

• Men lie about their jobs, drive cars they can't afford, wear toupees and loose shirts that hide their stomachs, and say they want a "real woman"...
• Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a mans sex drive by 90 percent.... Wedding cake!!!

• Bigamy is having one husband too many.
  Some say monogamy is the same.

• If a man suggests that you take a break from vacuuming the living room and relax what it means is he can't hear the TV

• If you think he's listening to you, you're wrong he's trying to convert what you just said into something with a sexual connotation

• If a man had a thought in his head, it would get lonely!

• If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.

• Men are like roller coasters: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.

• Behind every great man is a woman with a vibrator

• If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.

• Scientist have finally discovered the chemical formula for Viagra.
  1% Sodium
  1% Iron
  1% Phosphate
  97% Fix-a-Flat

• Remember; you are known by the idiot you accompany

• Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

• Women don't make fools of men most of them are the "do-it-yourself" types.

• The best reason to divorce or break-up with a man is for health reasons you're sick of him.

• The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

• If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.

• A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh alright, I'll stay the night."

• Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

• Always wear high heels, it makes it easier to look down on him.

• Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men a woman

• When God made Man, she was just kidding.

• If God had wanted men to be perfect, he'd have given them brains

• Men is proof even God makes mistakes

• Men? On the whole, I'd rather buy new batteries.

• Men read Playboy for the articles women go to malls for the music.

• Men are creatures with two legs and eight hands.

• Men love sex with redheads, but their wives don't appreciate it!

• Men are fun to argue with, because even IF they win...they lose.

• Men of quality respect women's equality.

• Men play the game. Women know the score.

• Flies spread disease, keep your's zipped

• Men and women were created equal, but women continued to improve.

• Women are a pain in the ass, men are a pain EVERYWHERE!

• Men have a joystick whereas women just have a game port.

• Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.

• Men, stupid? You'd be dense too if you had your brain in your pants!

• If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming way too high

• It was love at first sight. He walked by and I saw the twinkle in his eye.
  I never knew that someone could be so in love with his own reflection in the mirror.

• Women are indeed silly, we sleep with men, who if they were women, we wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.

• Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

 [ send green star]

• Men are like....Animals
  Messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but occasionally make great pets.

• Men are like.....Bank accounts.
  Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

• Men are like....Beer.
  The first sip is always bitter.
  No matter how many varieties you try, they are essentially the same; tasteless, full of bubbles, destabilize your metabolism and give you a headache, but somehow they linger and you either can't finish one or you can't get enough.

• Men are like.....Bike helmets.
  Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

• Men are like....Bras.
  They offer light, medium and complete support.
• Men are like....Buses.
  They come every 15 minutes.

• Men are like....Buses.
  They have spare tires and smell funny.

• Men are like....Computers.
  And a smart woman keeps a backup.

• Men are like.....Copiers.
  You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

• Men are like.....Curling irons.
  They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

• Men are like.....Fires.
  They go out if unattended!

• Men are like....Fine wine. They start out as grapes.
  It's our job to stomp them, and then keep them in the dark until they mature.
  And hopefully they'll turn out to be something we would like to have dinner with.

• Men are like.....High heels.
  They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

• Men are like.....Lava lamps.
  Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

• Men are like.....Mascara.
  They usually run at the first sign of emotion

• Men are like.....Mini skirts.
  If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

• Men are like....Oreos.
  Once you eat the cream they aren't good anymore!

• Men are like.....Placemats.
  They only show up when there's food on the table

• Men are like.....Recliners.
  You pull the lever and they lay back

• Men are like....Teeth.
  You ignore them - you lose them.

• Husbands are like....Children
  They're fine if they're someone else's.

 [ send green star]

Ok Everyone here knows by now Essie likes to send messages to her friends. ok ok Well I never learned how to do testys with photos so I was like ...hehe ok ok I shall stop this is positive energy vibes ok Essie will be happy  ok ok....well I saw a new thing in care2. Auto-reply...well you know Essie wanted to learn pronto. So...my sis here Christia in care2. showed me how...when I emailed her a message I want to learn how to auto reply...so I followed instructions.  The first auto  reply I did was sent to  me myself ...ok ok...will cheer up...so finally after I faced this auto reply again sent many to my wonderful angel friends here. Why did I tell this story now? Heck I do not know 

 [ send green star]  [ accepted]

• Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
  Because they can understand them

• What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
  A. No mind.
  B. No business.

• Why is a woman different from a PC?
  A woman won't accept a 3½" floppy."

• What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
  Exchange him.

• Why do bachelors like smart women?
  Opposites Attract.

• What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
  After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

• Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
  To knock the penises off the smart ones.

• Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
  When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

• What do you call a handcuffed man?
  Trustworthy.

• Why are men like commercials?
  You can't believe a word they say.

• What do men and pantyhose have in common?
  They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

• Why are men like blenders?
  You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

• You know there is a company selling real brains for transplant now?
  A male brain costs $75000 and a female brain costs $25000
  The female brains are sold as "used"

• Men-tal Anxiety. . . Men-opause. . . Men-tal Breakdown. . .
  Ever noticed that all problems start with MEN?

• Why did the man cross the road?
  Who knows why the hell men do anything?

• How can you tell when a man is well hung?
  When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

• Why do so many women fake orgasm?
  Because so many men fake foreplay.

• How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?
  It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway.

• Why is a hard man good to find?
  You don't have to stay up half the night massaging his ego.

• What's the best way to kill a man?
  Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

• How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
  Rename the mail folder to "Instruction Manual."

 [ send green star]

• What do you call an intelligent man in America?
  A tourist.

• Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
  To keep them from grazing.

• Why do men name their penises?
  Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.

• Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
  Because they already have boyfriends.

• Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
  He had it bronzed.

• How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
  Two ways to cross a river.

• What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
  The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

• Why are men like chocolate candies?
  They look good on the outside but once it gets inside you, it's either too small, gross, or stuck to the top.

• What's black and blue and lying in a ditch?
  A man who told too many blonde jokes.

• What is a man's view of safe sex?
  A padded headboard.

• How do men sort their laundry?
  "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

• Why did God create man?
  Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

• Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
  A.So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
  B.So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block.

• What is the thinnest book in the world?
  "What men know about women."

• How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?
  A.One - men will screw anything.
  B.One - men will screw up anything.
  C.Five - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it

• How does a man take a bubble bath?
  He eats beans for dinner.

• What is a man's idea of foreplay?
  A half hour of begging.

• How can you tell if a man is aroused?
  He's breathing.

• What's the difference between men and government bonds?
  Bonds mature.

• How do you save a man from drowning?
  Take your foot off his head.

• What do men and beer have in common?
  They're both empty from the neck up.

• How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
  Who knows? Did it ever happen??

• How are men and parking spots alike?
  The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

• What is a man's idea of doing housework?
  Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

• What is the difference between a man and E.T.?
  E.T. phoned home.

• What does a man consider a seven course meal?
  A hot dog and a six pack.

• Do you know why bankers are good lovers?
  They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

• Do you know why men have holes in the end of their penises?
  So oxygen can get into their brains

• How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
  Put the remote control between his toes

• Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
  So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions

• How do men exercise on the beach?
  By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini

 [ send green star]

• Why don't men die in their sleep?
  'Cuz they can't do two things at the same time.

• What do you call a caring, considerate and gifted man?
  A Myth.

• Why do women always wear black to bed?
  To mourn the dead pricks beside them!!

• Why did God Create man first?
  1. Practice makes perfect.
  2. Give us someone to bitch at immidately.
  3. There's a frist draft with anything.
  4. To see what needed to be fixed and then make the proper changes.
  5. First is the worst.........Second is the best!
  6. To be funny

• Woman: "I got a set of golf clubs for my husband"
  Friend: "GREAT trade!"

• How do you scare a man ?
  Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

• Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
  Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

• Did you really throw your husband out on the street naked, for taking a bath with Bubbles?
  Yes I did, and I threw Bubbles out too.

• Why do men prefer blondes?
  Men always like intellectual company.

• "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
  "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

• How does the single woman get rid of roaches?
  She asks them for a commitment.

• If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
  How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?

• Why do men like love at first sight?
  It saves them a lot of time.

• How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
  In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

• Why don't men have mid-life crises?
  They stay stuck in adolescence.

• How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
  He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

• How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
  All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

• How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
  At the circus the clowns don't talk.

• Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
  For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

• Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
  They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.

• What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
  A. A dog is always happy to see you
  B. A dog only takes a couple of months to train

• Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
  Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

• Why are blonde jokes so short?
  So men can remember them.

• What do you call a man with half a brain?
  Gifted.

• What should you give a man who has everything?
  A. A woman to show him how to work it.
  B. Penicillin

• Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
  To stop the snoring before it starts.

• What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
  One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

• What did God say after creating man?
  I can do better.

• Why do men want to marry virgins?
  They can't stand criticism.

• What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
  A man's undivided attention.

• How is a man like a snowstorm?
  Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay

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• Why don't men wear tight underwear?
  It cuts off circulation to the brain!

• Why do men have broad shoulders and big foreheads?
  When you ask them a question, they shrug their shoulders and say, "I don't know."
  When you tell them the answer, they slap their foreheads and say, "Ohhhhhh."

• Why are vibrators better than men?
  Because they never screw other women, never come in drunk, and you don't have to do their laundry!

• Why do men die before their wives?
  They should.

• What is the difference between men and women?
  A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need........
  A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need

• How does a man keep his youth?
  By giving them money, furs and diamonds.

• Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
  A mental hospital.

• What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
  Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

• Why are hangovers better than men?
  Hangovers will go away.

• How are men and batteries different?
  Batteries have a positive side.

• Why is virginity like a baloon?
  All it takes is one small prick and it's gone.

• What is the difference between garbage and men?
  Garbage gets thrown out and stays out!

• How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  No one knows, the ex-wife always gets the house.

• Why are men like strawberries?
  Because they take a long time to mature and by the time they do most are rotten.

• Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
  So men can tell if they are coming or going.

• Why does a man have a clear conscience?
  Because it's never used.

• What do UFO's and caring men have in common?
  You keep hearing about them but never see any for yourself.

• Why is dating like a game of cards?
  Because if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

• How do you confuse a man?
  You don't have to - they're born that way

• Why don't women like basketball players as lovers?
  Because they dribble before they shoot.

• What are the three types of men?
  The handsome, the caring and the majority

• What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
  You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.

• What should you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?
  Slow down

• What's the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
  One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching himself. The other is a chimpanzee.

• How can you tell if your husband's dead?
  Sex is the same but you get the remote.

• What food describes most men?
  Jerky.

• Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
  In the pages of a romance novel.

• How do we know men invented maps?
  Who else would make an inch into a mile?

• Why did they kick the man out of the airport?
  He kept throwing stale bread at the plane.

• What's the hardest thing to teach a man?
  How to operate a waste basket.

• What's the difference between a man and a messy room?
  You can straighten up a messy room.

• Did you hear about the two men who went ice fishing?
  They caught 200 pounds of ice, but drowned when they tried to cook it.

• Then there's the jigsaw puzzle for men.
  It only has one piece, And most of the time, it's missing.

• Why did God create men?
  She forgot to put the legs on snakes.

• Why women like bidets?
  Because men don't know what they are.

• How do you get a man on the roof?
  Tell him the beers on the house.

• Do you always tell your husband when you've had an orgasm?
  No way! I'm not going to call home every time!

• When does a man develop a brain?
  The day he gets married.

• Why did the man sell his water skis?
  He couldn't find a lake on a hill.

• How can you tell if a man is a Male Chauvinist Pig?
  He thinks "harass" is two words

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The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time a guy ask a girl to marry him. The girl said "NO" and the guy lived happily every after and went fishing, hunting and played golf alot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

Or.........

 [ accepted]

That reminds me, there was a news story of a lens grinder that fell  into his machine and made a specticle of himself.

The butcher down the street backed into his grinder and got a little behind in his work.

 [ send green star]  [ accepted]

Did you hear about the cremation stewart that fell into his equipment ?

 He made a total ash of himself.

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 [ accepted]

Top 11 Signs Your Computer is Possessed

11.   It grew a Goatee.

10.   There's blood dripping from the case and you haven't installed any hardware recently.

9.   Your monitor starts spinning and all the text turns green.

8.   "Games" folder suddenly renamed to "Come Play With Us"

7.   CD-tray keeps ejecting "The Bible on CD" every time you try to read it.

6.   Firewall keeps popping up balloons that read "I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Dave."

5.   Your e-mail account gets suspended for suspected spamming due to 666 messages per day sent to satan@msn.com

4.   No matter what you type it all comes out "redrum".

3.   You recently inserted a CD from Sony Music.

2.   It keeps trying to open port 666 in your firewall.

1.   BSOD instructions tell you to say "The power of DOS compels you!" in order to reboot.

http://www.bbspot.com/News/2006/02/top-11-signs-your-computer-is-possessed.html

 [ send green star]

 [ accepted]

Davida, I love his reation to chili #6.  I'm sitting here laughing so hard. My guy is looking at me like I'm crazy.

That was a really good laugh!!!

 [ send green star]  [ accepted]

Warrior, that is too funny for words.

Hilarious!    

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 [ accepted]

FINNEGAN AND THE IRISH RAILWAY

 The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway:

 Gentlemen,

I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

Yours truly, 
 
       Patrick Finnegan

Dear Mr. Finnegan, 
 
       We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
 
Sincerely, 
 
       Larnrod Eireann.

Gentlemen, 
 
       I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
 
       Patrick Finnegan

 [ accepted]

1.Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.

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