An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
"It's really a good movie," REALLY MEANS, "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and good looking women."
"You know how bad my memory is," REALLY MEANS, "I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal," REALLY MEANS, "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house," REALLY MEANS, "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."
"What did I do this time?" REALLY MEANS, "What did you catch me doing?"
"She's one of the rabid feminists," REALLY MEANS, "She refused to make my coffee."
"I heard you," REALLY MEANS, "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You really look terrific in that outfit," REALLY MEANS, "Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving."
"I missed you," REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are," REALLY MEANS, "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework," REALLY MEANS, "I make the messes. She cleans them up."
"I don't need to read the instructions," REALLY MEANS, "I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help."
The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother
asks, "What did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow." ------------------------- Teacher: Billy, name two pronouns. Billy: Who, me? Teacher: Very good!
WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous." WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?" WIFE: "In the pool."
One of my daughters sent me this today. It cracked me up!
It wouldn't be so funny if it wasn't so true... Julie Andrews turned 69 - To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music."
Here are the actual lyrics she used: -----------
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting, Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings, Bundles of magazines tied up in string, These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillac's and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses, Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses, Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings, These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak, When the knees go bad, I simply remember my favorite things, And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions, No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions, Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring, These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin', Thin bones and fractures and hai r that is thinnin', And we won't mention our short, shrunken frames, When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache, When the hips break, When the eyes grow dim, Then I remember the great life I've had, And then I don't feel so bad.
(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores) Please share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humor with others who would appreciate