START A PETITION 25,136,189 members: the world's largest community for good
START A PETITION
x
Group Discussions
label:  
  Items of Interest
|
« Back to topics
5 months ago

Sue, the hazzmat April Fool's ad is so funny. The yellow jackets come in three sizes!

As far as the pelicans petition, it's legitimate. I looked up Dalmation Pelican and they come from the area in the petition. They are white so someone made them have pretty pastel colors. I signed the petition and I think you should also.

5 months ago

The Huffington Post got it right for April Fools Day!  This is what readers got when they went to the site this morning.  Back to normal after noon, but found the link.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/news/cats/

5 months ago

Found this petition posted in No Cruelty to animals.  But the pelicans do not look like any other pelicans in nature so did not sign the petition.  What do you think ladies?  I'm pretty sure it's a joke.

http://www.thepetitionsite.com/250/262/021/save-the-pelicans-of-lake-skadar/

5 months ago

Lynn, I liked the apples one best, but have to admit those 2 babes are so cute.  This morning being April Fools day I went looking for jokes on my news site and wasn't 100% certain about the only story that looked fake.  Checked some facts and they did seem to be true.  This one however is a joke for sure, Sierra Club Canada always sends a good one every April 1st.  Couldn't copy the entire email here so found this online.  The email said "some good news for the bees!

http://www.hazzzmat.com/

5 months ago

Oh my gosh, there is so much good stuff on here and I can't catch up! Great postings. I'm about half way through. Thanks for all the good laughs, ladies!

5 months ago

Sue, I think the apple peeling stunt is ingenious! I'm just afraid that if I try it at home, I'll drill into my finger or something.

The baby and the puppy bull dog is so cute that I can't decide which one I think is cuter, the baby or the puppy with the fat little bum!

5 months ago

I can't decide which of these 3 ideas is sillier, or the best idea ever, what do you think?

http://www.ctvnews.ca/video?clipId=316728&playlistId=1.1754263&binId=1.810401&playlistPageNum=1

introducing hammock fail
5 months ago

5 months ago

I definitely know where to go if I have an hour and want a good laugh - thanks ya'll- if you live in an area like me - you will relate to this:



What did the tumbleweed say to the cactus?

“Lookin’ sharp!”

How did the cactus reply?

“You’re on a roll!”

5 months ago

This guy is hilarious, more comedy from Winnipeg

5 months ago

Sent from a friend and sharing here, this is hilarious.

5 months ago

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession. 
 
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis.  So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father.  She started to repay me with sexual favours.  This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.  However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father.  That's a great load off my mind.  I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''
 
5 months ago

  Another year has passed

    And we're all a little older.

    Last summer felt hotter

    And winter seems much colder.

    There was a time not long ago

    When life was quite a blast.

    Now I fully understand

    About 'Living in the Past'

    We used to go to weddings,

    Football games and lunches..

    Now we go to funeral homes

    And after-funeral brunches.

    We used to have hangovers,

    From parties that were gay.

    Now we suffer body aches

    And wile the night away.

    We used to go out dining,

    And couldn't get our fill.

    Now we ask for doggie bags,

    Come home and take a pill.

    We used to often travel

    To places near and far.

    Now we get sore asses

    From riding in the car.

    We used to go to nightclubs

    And drink a little booze.

    Now we stay home at night

    And watch the evening news.

    That, my friend is how life is,

    And now my tale is told.

    So, enjoy each day and live it up...

    Before you're too damned old!

5 months ago

clever doggy

Cross Your Legs photo animals_ani_CrossyourLegs.gif

5 months ago

CLEVER WORDS FOR CLEVER PEOPLE         
 
1.        ARBITRAITOR
A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s
 
2.        BERNADETTE
The act of torching a mortgage.
 
3.        BURGLARIZE
What a crook sees through
 
4.        AVOIDABLE
What a bullfighter tries to do
 
5.        EYEDROPPER
Clumsy ophthalmologist
 
6.        CONTROL
A short, ugly inmate.
 
7.        COUNTERFEITER
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
 
8.        ECLIPSE
What an English barber does for a living.
 
9.        LEFT BANK
What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.

5 months ago

LETS STAY HERE FOREVER

Freekibble Kids Love Animals Slideshow 6

5 months ago

Kodi will make you laugh....

video:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J4AFuKJQ1OM

YEP THIS IS A CATS LIFE. ADD TWO MORE IN THE KELLY HOUSE
5 months ago

5 months ago

To all my friends who still have bad weather, even though it's spring!

5 months ago

All great - thanks -


Wendy - that is so RIGHT!

Not an animal joke but sent ot me this AM -

A frustrated father told his work colleague:

"When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by
being sent to my room without supper. But in my son's room he has a color TV, computer, game console, cell phone, and cd player."

"So what do you do?"

"I send him to my room".

5 months ago

Lynn, that's priceless, thanks for the very loud laugh out loud moment.  Val laughed out loud at your fairy joke too, how apt that was.  Always be careful what you wish for, you just may get it!

5 months ago
Text from woman to husband:
 
"Windows frozen"
 
Husband texts back
 
"Gently pour lukewarm water over it"
 
Wife texts back 5 min later
 
"Computer really buggered now"
5 months ago

Wonderful - wops ther goes the cat!!!   And I think my Baby would tear off those boots - but she hats ice in her paws -

Got this from someone here but thought I would share - hope it is cosher for here.

50 years 

of marriage..  


A married couple in their early 70s are celebrating their 

50th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic 

little restaurant.  

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. 

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married 

couple and for being loving to each other for 

all this time, I will grant you each a wish.' 


The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world 

with my darling husband.'  

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two 

tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her 

hands. 


The husband thought for a moment: 

'Well, this is all very romantic, but an 

opportunity like this will never come again. I'm 

sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 

years younger than me.'  

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, 

but a wish is a wish. !  


So the fairy waved her magic wand and 

poof!...  
The husband became 102 years old. 


The moral of this story:  


Men who are ungrateful bastards should 

remember fairies are female ..... 

5 months ago

thanks for the laugh, if they have to wear boots let them be sexy ones!

5 months ago

Where'd I go, tell me please?!!!

 

He-he-he... slowly catching up on your posts

5 months ago
I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
"It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".
It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.
 
 
 
 
Happy St. Patrick's Day, Sandi
5 months ago

How to relax.... the hard way!

5 months ago

 photo 7_zps492c050f.gifFrom Stripes to all the fur kids!

5 months ago

These are all grand - thanks - you can laugh now Wendy.

5 months ago

OK IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE, OH DO REMIND ME WHEN TO LAUGH

Why Teachers Drink
5 months ago

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)


Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids 
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination
A.. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.

The brainium mc the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal

cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome .

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness 
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.

5 months ago

We had a power outage at my place this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn't do any gardening.
I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I talked with my husband for a few hours.

He seems like a nice person.
5 months ago

A caring husband sees that his wife is busy in the kitchen and offers to help.

 

He: “My dear, what can I do to help you?”

 

She: “Take this bag of potatoes, peel half of them, and put them in the big pot to cook.”

 

 

Look down below ----------------



6 months ago

Water in the carburetor


WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?

WIFE: "In the pool"

6 months ago

Some of these are hilarious. Thanks for the belly laughs.

6 months ago

Why Woman Have Handbags -

All cat owners will agree with this, ha ha ha
6 months ago

Rules for Cats to Live By

> --------------------------------------------------------------------------
------
> BATHROOMS:
> Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to
> do anything. Just sit and stare.
>
> DOORS:
> Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on
> hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not
> necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened,
> stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is
> particularly
> important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
 
>
> HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity
> and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping,"
> otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering:"
> 1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.
< In this position,
> you cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being
> stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
> 2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book,
> unless you can lie across the book itself.
> 3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as
> to
> obscure as much of the work as possible or at least. Pretend to doze,
> but
> every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.
> 4) For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas
> cards,
> keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked
> on.
> When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity
> proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best
> of
> your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens,
> pencils,
> and erasers off the table, one at a time.
> 5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to
> leap  on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.
> 6) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across
> keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human's lap
> across arms, hampering typing in progress.
>
> WALKING:
> As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of
> the
> human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms,
> in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help
> their coordination skills.
>
> BEDTIME:
> Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.
>
> LITTER BOX:
> When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box
> as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.
>
> HIDING:
> Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you.
> Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This
> will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have
> run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you
> with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.
>
> ONE LAST THOUGHT:
> Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn
> around,
> and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often.
> And don't forget guests.
>
6 months ago

Wendy it's scary but I do see the angry bunny if I squint just right.  Don't remember if I posted this before but it is always good a second time around too.

WORSE THAN BEDBUGS!
6 months ago

 What is a
calorie?
 



 

Calories
are the little bastards that get into your wardrobe
at

                                                        night
and sew your clothes tighter.

 MY CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE
SH1TS
.

6 months ago
This is such a touching story,
I thought you would enjoy it.
 
The Last Kiss

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin , Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge . So they stopped.
 
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
 
"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
 
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
 
While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... Why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
 
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
 
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
 
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
 
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
 
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
this made me laugh, awww poor dogs, but......wont tell you the ending
6 months ago

6 months ago

I've had such a SUPER time going through all that I've missed on this thread! I think we have to take the message from those two wonderful 100 year old women.... they laugh a lot, which is so obvious. I think that's one of the big reasons they have lived so well.

Thanks everyone for providing all the fun on this thread. It felt sooooo goooood to laugh so hard!

ee

6 months ago
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly..' 

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' 

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.' 

'Do you mean a rose?'  'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
6 months ago
There was a knock on the door this past Saturday morning.
I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said: "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."
So I said "Come in and sit down."
I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked "What do you want to talk about?"
He said, "Beats the sh*t out of me....Nobody ever let me in before."
 
6 months ago
It's amazing what I'm finding while catching up on messages and emails.  This one is hilarious, enjoy.  Hope I haven't posted it before, barely remember what I did 5 minutes ago let alone weeks or months ago.
There are 4 questions. Don't miss any of them!

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant, and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals

attended.... Except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and

You do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the

Professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most professionals do not have the brains of a four-year-old.
6 months ago

This was sent to me in an email from a Care2 friend.  Had me laughing so hard I had tears running down my face.

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out   LOUD! 

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. 

Here's what happened: 

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. 

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?" 

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. 

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!" 
 

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies." 


"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"  ;

I was equally outraged. 

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife. 

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!) 

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" 
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. 

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!). 

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. 

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." 

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked 

We peered at the patient.. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. 

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. 

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. 

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged. 

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. 

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. 

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) 

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. 

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. 

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. 

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically. 

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" 

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. 

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. 

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . . 
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . Um . . . Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. 

We were silent, absorbing this. 

"So, Ernie's just . Just . . . Excited," my wife offered. 

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. 

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. 

Tears were now running down her face. "It' s just .that . .. 
I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . Its.. . Teeny little . . " 
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. 

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay. 

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me. 

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter. 

Two lizards: $140. 

One cage: $50.. 

Trip to the vet: $30. 

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: 

Priceless! 

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class
6 months ago

Lynn, the bagpipe joke was so funny.  Still laughing.

The Bagpiper
6 months ago

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

6 months ago

Lynn, that is my goal in life to reduce everyone to drooling.  Seems I'm winning.  This one got me good.

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway

outside Washington , DC . Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress,
and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom.

Otherwise, they're going to douse them all in gasoline
and set them on fire. We're going from car to car,
collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?"

the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon
.

Who's Got Religion?
6 months ago

Sue, I laughed so hard that my stomache hurt and I'm sad to say, I drooled all over my keyboard.   Thanks so much....your post made my day!

6 months ago

Was clearing out my saved folder here in Care2 and found this....

Who’s Got Religion?

The following statements about the Bible are said to have been written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in).

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slayed the hilistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert

Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.

He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity.

He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

6 months ago

This is hilarious....

6 months ago

Lynn, thanks for the laugh really needed that.  Hope this makes you laugh too.

Seen the end photo prophet-lol-cat-seen-the-future_zps1e3f963e.jpg

this will make you smile
6 months ago

Today's Chuckle
6 months ago

Dear  Ma and Pa,

I  am well.  Hope you are too.  Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer  the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.  Tell them  to join up quick before all of the places are  filled.

I  was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but  I am getting so I like to sleep late.  Tell Walt and Elmer all you do  before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things.  No hogs to  slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, or fire to lay.   Practically nothing.

Men  got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.  Breakfast is  strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of  weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular  food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that  live on coffee.  Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when  you get fed again.  It's no wonder these city boys can't walk  much.

We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are  long walks to harden us.  If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell  him different.  A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at  home.  Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in  trucks.

The  sergeant is like a school teacher.  He nags a lot.  The Captain is  like the school board.  Majors and colonels just ride around and frown.   They don't bother you none.

This  next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.  I keep getting medals for  shooting.  I don't know why.  The bulls-eye is near as big as  a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you, like the  Higgett boys at home.  All you got to do is lie there all comfortable  and hit it.  You don't even load your own cartridges.  They come  in boxes.

Then  we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training.  You get to  wrestle with them city boys.  I have to be real careful though, they  break real easy.  It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at  home.  I'm about the best they got in this, except for that Tug Jordan  from over in Silver Lake.  I only beat him once.  He joined up the  same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300  pounds dry.

Be  sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto  this setup and come stampeding in.

Your  loving daughter,

Alice
 

 

How much snow was that?
7 months ago

For those of you who do not live in areas that get snow in the winter months take a look at this short video to see what life can be like for those of us that do.  Yes this has been the coldest, snowiest winter in decades where I currently live and we have a huge snow mountain from all the scraping of the parking lots for our apartment buildings that will probably survive until the end of June, but honestly we just call this season winter here.  It is currently -29C including the wind chill!  This year however many communities are running or have already run out of salt for the roads and sidewalks.  I have lived in areas of Canada where it was much colder and we got a lot more snow in decades past.  Be thankful you do not live here......

http://kitchener.ctvnews.ca/video?clipId=288428&playlistId=1.1674422&binId=1.1147261&playlistPageNum=1

At least we should not be in drought come Spring, please, please Spring come soon.

7 months ago

you will love this>>>>>>

dogkiss

GO CAT GO
7 months ago

7 months ago

Ha Ha Ha Les, that chap could be me too (if he were a she that is) on a monday morning, especially my 5.30am starts !!! he he he, >.now look what someone did to their poor cat, who is not -by no means amused. ahhh he he he>>>>



This post was modified from its original form on 26 Jan, 9:58
7 months ago

Love the graphic Wendy--so when were you in my kitchen to be so inpired?

7 months ago

dog stuck between trees
crystalscomments.com

7 months ago

Cheryl glad you enjoyed the pics, love the jokes Lynn posted, Hello Les, so glad you like the cat 10 commandments he he he, cat lovers just know it's the truth !!

although the next photo isn't hilarious, it's innocence made me smile, I had a photo , of myself like this,>>                                                                                 "Well someone had to save puppy from the mud monster!!!!!!!"

                         

Jan. 23/14
7 months ago

Thank you, Wendy... it's nice to see this thread being used again! The cat in the commandments is a perfect pic for the topic. The seagulls and the dog-cookie are great! The quote about the "crazy old lady".... I HAVE A MIRROR EXACTLY LIKE THAT! I can't tell you how stunned I am when I see her looking back at me!

Welcome PAULINE! I think it will take me a day or so to stop using my Scottish accent! LOL

7 months ago

Love the commandments Wendy!

7 months ago

Old Sandy McPherson was dying. Tenderly, his wife Maggie knelt by his bedside and asked, 'Anything I can get you, Sandy?'

No reply.


'Have ye no' a last wish, Sandy?'
Faintly, came the answer ...  'A wee bit of yon boiled ham.'

'Wheesht, man,' said Maggie, 'ye ken fine, that's for the funeral.

2 years ago

I transferred this one from the healing/affirmations thread.

2 weeks ago

Hi, Cheryl and Mary. Thanks for asking how I feel. My tail bone is much better but my back pain is worse so I'll be making an appointment to see my arthritis doctor sometime this coming week. See what he says. Yes Cheryl, I did make the tag you're referring to and thank you. I wish you'd come into class more often! 


The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the
race again and it won again.

The local paper read:
PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter

the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline
read:

BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR’S

ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey so she
sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS

ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back
the donkey and lead it to the plains where

it could run wild.

2 years ago

Ah ha.... gotcha!!

SENIOR TECH SUPPORT
2 years ago
2 years ago
DIVORCE vs. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CAN NOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in
bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription.."

2 years ago

LOL, Cheryl. I think you're right!

2 years ago

I have a feeling there were going to be others who were going to feign injury at the same location!

2 years ago

Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
Ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the
Ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
Relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
Replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
Clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently
Took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and
Put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and
Asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

2 years ago

Was going to put something on here but that stupid sign saying that it can't process it... come back later... came up again. Honest to Pete, I'm so fed up with Care2 right now!


THE DAILY LAUGH ~ JOKES, CARTOONS, ETC. #2 - CLOSED
2 years ago
| Items of Interest
1 year ago

Bored?   Wan'na enjoy your day a little bit more? 

It's good to laugh, so how about posting a funny joke, cartoon or article that might make our friends chuckle.  As you know, "Laughter is the best medicine"!!



Starting #2 thread as #1 was taking longer to load.
#1 Thread:
http://www.care2.com/c2c/groups/disc.html?gpp=7846&pst=1254323

This topic is closed