Sue, the hazzmat April Fool's ad is so funny. The yellow jackets come in three sizes!
As far as the pelicans petition, it's legitimate. I looked up Dalmation Pelican and they come from the area in the petition. They are white so someone made them have pretty pastel colors. I signed the petition and I think you should also.
Found this petition posted in No Cruelty to animals. But the pelicans do not look like any other pelicans in nature so did not sign the petition. What do you think ladies? I'm pretty sure it's a joke.
Lynn, I liked the apples one best, but have to admit those 2 babes are so cute. This morning being April Fools day I went looking for jokes on my news site and wasn't 100% certain about the only story that looked fake. Checked some facts and they did seem to be true. This one however is a joke for sure, Sierra Club Canada always sends a good one every April 1st. Couldn't copy the entire email here so found this online. The email said "some good news for the bees!
Oh my gosh, there is so much good stuff on here and I can't catch up! Great postings. I'm about half way through. Thanks for all the good laughs, ladies!
Sue, I think the apple peeling stunt is ingenious! I'm just afraid that if I try it at home, I'll drill into my finger or something.
The baby and the puppy bull dog is so cute that I can't decide which one I think is cuter, the baby or the puppy with the fat little bum!
I can't decide which of these 3 ideas is sillier, or the best idea ever, what do you think?
I definitely know where to go if I have an hour and want a good laugh - thanks ya'll- if you live in an area like me - you will relate to this:
What did the tumbleweed say to the cactus?
How did the cactus reply?
“You’re on a roll!”
This guy is hilarious, more comedy from Winnipeg
Sent from a friend and sharing here, this is hilarious.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?''
Another year has passed
And we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
And winter seems much colder.
There was a time not long ago
When life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
About 'Living in the Past'
We used to go to weddings,
Football games and lunches..
Now we go to funeral homes
And after-funeral brunches.
We used to have hangovers,
From parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
And wile the night away.
We used to go out dining,
And couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
Come home and take a pill.
We used to often travel
To places near and far.
Now we get sore asses
From riding in the car.
We used to go to nightclubs
And drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night
And watch the evening news.
That, my friend is how life is,
And now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
Before you're too damned old!
CLEVER WORDS FOR CLEVER PEOPLE
A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s
The act of torching a mortgage.
What a crook sees through
What a bullfighter tries to do
A short, ugly inmate.
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
What an English barber does for a living.
9. LEFT BANK
What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.
LETS STAY HERE FOREVER
To all my friends who still have bad weather, even though it's spring!
All great - thanks -
Wendy - that is so RIGHT!
Not an animal joke but sent ot me this AM -
A frustrated father told his work colleague:
"I send him to my room".
Lynn, that's priceless, thanks for the very loud laugh out loud moment. Val laughed out loud at your fairy joke too, how apt that was. Always be careful what you wish for, you just may get it!
Wonderful - wops ther goes the cat!!! And I think my Baby would tear off those boots - but she hats ice in her paws -
Got this from someone here but thought I would share - hope it is cosher for here.
A married couple in their early 70s are celebrating their
50th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, 'For being such an exemplary married
couple and for being loving to each other for
all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world
with my darling husband.'
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two
tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her
The husband thought for a moment:
'Well, this is all very romantic, but an
opportunity like this will never come again. I'm
sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30
years younger than me.'
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed,
but a wish is a wish. !
So the fairy waved her magic wand and
The husband became 102 years old.
The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should
remember fairies are female .....
thanks for the laugh, if they have to wear boots let them be sexy ones!
Thanks for all the laughs ladies. This is so funny!
Where'd I go, tell me please?!!!
He-he-he... slowly catching up on your posts
How to relax.... the hard way!
From Stripes to all the fur kids!
These are all grand - thanks - you can laugh now Wendy.
OK IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE, OH DO REMIND ME WHEN TO LAUGH
The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death.
Q. What is artificial insemination
A.. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.
The brainium mc the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal
cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome .
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (brilliant)
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.
We had a power outage at my place this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.
He seems like a nice person.
A caring husband sees that his wife is busy in the kitchen and offers to help.
He: “My dear, what can I do to help you?”
She: “Take this bag of potatoes, peel half of them, and put them in the big pot to cook.”
Look down below ----------------
WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Some of these are hilarious. Thanks for the belly laughs.
Why Woman Have Handbags -
Rules for Cats to Live By
Wendy it's scary but I do see the angry bunny if I squint just right. Don't remember if I posted this before but it is always good a second time around too.
What is a
are the little bastards that get into your wardrobe
atand sew your clothes tighter.MY CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE
I thought you would enjoy it.
Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin , Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge . So they stopped.
I've had such a SUPER time going through all that I've missed on this thread! I think we have to take the message from those two wonderful 100 year old women.... they laugh a lot, which is so obvious. I think that's one of the big reasons they have lived so well.
Thanks everyone for providing all the fun on this thread. It felt sooooo goooood to laugh so hard!
This was sent to me in an email from a Care2 friend. Had me laughing so hard I had tears running down my face.
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" ;
I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked
We peered at the patient.. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . .
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . Um . . . Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So, Ernie's just . Just . . . Excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
Tears were now running down her face. "It' s just .that . ..
I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . Its.. . Teeny little . . "
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50..
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class
Lynn, the bagpipe joke was so funny. Still laughing.
Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Lynn, that is my goal in life to reduce everyone to drooling. Seems I'm winning. This one got me good.
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress,
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?"
the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon.
Sue, I laughed so hard that my stomache hurt and I'm sad to say, I drooled all over my keyboard. Thanks so much....your post made my day!
Was clearing out my saved folder here in Care2 and found this....
Who’s Got Religion?
The following statements about the Bible are said to have been written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in).
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the hilistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert
Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity.
He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
This is hilarious....
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, or fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this, except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
For those of you who do not live in areas that get snow in the winter months take a look at this short video to see what life can be like for those of us that do. Yes this has been the coldest, snowiest winter in decades where I currently live and we have a huge snow mountain from all the scraping of the parking lots for our apartment buildings that will probably survive until the end of June, but honestly we just call this season winter here. It is currently -29C including the wind chill! This year however many communities are running or have already run out of salt for the roads and sidewalks. I have lived in areas of Canada where it was much colder and we got a lot more snow in decades past. Be thankful you do not live here......
At least we should not be in drought come Spring, please, please Spring come soon.
you will love this>>>>>>
Ha Ha Ha Les, that chap could be me too (if he were a she that is) on a monday morning, especially my 5.30am starts !!! he he he, >.now look what someone did to their poor cat, who is not -by no means amused. ahhh he he he>>>>
This post was modified from its original form on 26 Jan, 9:58
Love the graphic Wendy--so when were you in my kitchen to be so inpired?
Cheryl glad you enjoyed the pics, love the jokes Lynn posted, Hello Les, so glad you like the cat 10 commandments he he he, cat lovers just know it's the truth !!
although the next photo isn't hilarious, it's innocence made me smile, I had a photo , of myself like this,>> "Well someone had to save puppy from the mud monster!!!!!!!"
Thank you, Wendy... it's nice to see this thread being used again! The cat in the commandments is a perfect pic for the topic. The seagulls and the dog-cookie are great! The quote about the "crazy old lady".... I HAVE A MIRROR EXACTLY LIKE THAT! I can't tell you how stunned I am when I see her looking back at me!
Welcome PAULINE! I think it will take me a day or so to stop using my Scottish accent! LOL
Love the commandments Wendy!
Old Sandy McPherson was dying. Tenderly, his wife Maggie knelt by his bedside and asked, 'Anything I can get you, Sandy?'
'Have ye no' a last wish, Sandy?'
Faintly, came the answer ... 'A wee bit of yon boiled ham.'
'Wheesht, man,' said Maggie, 'ye ken fine, that's for the funeral.
I transferred this one from the healing/affirmations thread.
Hi, Cheryl and Mary. Thanks for asking how I feel. My tail bone is much better but my back pain is worse so I'll be making an appointment to see my arthritis doctor sometime this coming week. See what he says. Yes Cheryl, I did make the tag you're referring to and thank you. I wish you'd come into class more often!
The Pastor's Ass
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the
race again and it won again.
The local paper read:
ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter
the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey so she
sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back
the donkey and lead it to the plains where
it could run wild.
Ah ha.... gotcha!!
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CAN NOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription.."
LOL, Cheryl. I think you're right!
I have a feeling there were going to be others who were going to feign injury at the same location!
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
Ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the
Ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
Relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
Replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
Clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently
Took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and
Put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and
Asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!
Was going to put something on here but that stupid sign saying that it can't process it... come back later... came up again. Honest to Pete, I'm so fed up with Care2 right now!
Bored? Wan'na enjoy your day a little bit more?
It's good to laugh, so how about posting a funny joke, cartoon or article that might make our friends chuckle. As you know, "Laughter is the best medicine"!!
Starting #2 thread as #1 was taking longer to load.