"To finish writing my book about my life."
Ocoee, TN, USA
single, 2 children
Joined Nov 26, 2006
Violence against Children,
Indigenous Peoples Rights,
Freedom of Expression,
Breast Cancer Survivors,
Breast Cancer Awareness,
Hi, I am the mother of two teenagers ages 13 and 14. They have been through a lot this past year. I was recently diaonised with Hepatitis C. We have moved in with my sister and that has worked out great but the kids had to change schools and even though they didn't let on I know it was really harder on them then they said it was. I am in my second trimester of treatment and my last test show that the medicine wasn't working, the diesase isn't going away. My children don't know this - they know about the hep c and treatment but they don't know that I'm not responding to treatment.
I have survived Leukemia at the age of 13 and Breast Cancer at the age of 28. Inn 35 years I have went through a total of 4+ years of chemotherapy, mastectomy, 3 months of radiation and complications of hepatitis C. Because of all the chemo I've had in the past my blood count runs low and I stay sick with a cold on top of the side effects of the chemo and the symptoms of Hepatitis C. I've had to deal with a lot of anger in the past year because I contracted the Hep C when I was 13. I had numerous blood transfusions with the Leukemia, and even though I am blessed to even survived (the survival rate back then was less than 40%) my anger stems from the fact that I wasn't educated on the danger of me being infected with Hepatits C by anyone. I've lived with this for 20+ years. I had to overcome guilt because I might have infected people in the past without my knowing. My anger has subsided and the guilt has been replaced with shame. It shames me that I can't provide for my kids like I want to....I have no extra money for Christmas. My sister and I managed to pool our christmas decorations together and decorate the house really nice but along with that comes more on the electric bill. But, we both will get money back from income taxes and should be able to catch up everything no later than February. She has a good job and we are blessed to live comfortably.
UPDATE ON MY LIFE: On January 11, I ended up in the local mental hospital. Can't really tell you what happened prior to my 2nd day there. All I know is Lisa came home and I was sitting at my desk staring at the computer. I had pulled up the Sexual Abuse Predators website for LaGrange, Ga. The town that I grew up in and where all my abuse happened. I wouldn't respond and she had to call my doctor. I ended up spending 5 days in the hospital; mainly because the first 3 I was off the chain - violent, abusive, and destructive.
I remember just browsing around the web and somehow I ended up there. It's really hard for me to understand because I know my predator is deceased. Seems the doctors don't think I've been taking care of my mental health. Wonder why?? I'm so freaking overwhelmed with this latest diagnosis of medical hell that I don't have time for mental health concerns. I recently quit taking all my psych drugs and thought I was doing good till I started hearing voices again. I wondered off twice during the week before and Lisa had to just sit and wait for me to come home. As a child I would run and hide in bushes or the woods after an episode and it's comforting to me to be hidden in the world.
I'm so sick of life and this medicine for the hep C is making me even more unstable. I have little interests in anything anymore. I say that I have hope yet inside is this deep desire to just get to the end of this horrific life I live.. I have made a safety plan and we have a good friend who is sitting with me a couple of hours a day - starting my meds again has made me a zombie till about 2:00 everyday. I feel like I'm starting over. I have to attend counseling every other week and see a psychiatrist every two for a while. I want to be defiant and just tell them where to stick all their advice. I had an argument with a relative a few days before this and I knew I was stuck in PTSD mode but couldn't bring myself out. I stayed there for about a week. All I could do was cry and get mad. I tried writing about it but my ended up nothing but negativity would come.
So, here's a list of all I've survived...
Sexual Abuse from the hands of my grandfather from the age of 8-16. It continued till I was 16 because I was on Thorazine and would be knocked out for days. I was raised by my grandparents because my dad was an alcoholic and my mother was a whore - atleast that was what I was told. I met my dad and have memories of him throughout my life. My mom died about a year before I found her - I began looking when I was in my early 20's. I never met her. I did find my sister during my search and she and I are best friends now. It wasn't easy at first because we both had so many resentments. She never met our dad and had a relationship with our mom. She was raised with our mom's parents and I was raised with our dad's. We joke and say that together we make a whole person with a complete life. I was able to help her get sober and today she takes care of me when I can't take care of myself. We also have a half brother who recently reached out for help with his addiction issues. However, he's not ready and thank GOD she and I both are strong enough not to enable him. He spent some time with us at Christmas and now we don't even know where he is. He left in the middle of the night New Years and hasn't called or came back - pretty messed up huh?
Leukemia - age 13 I was diagonised with Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia and went through 3 years of Chemotherapy. This is the reason I was on the high dosage of Thorazine because of the vomiting. That's what they gave you for the side effects of the Chemo - Thorazine. The same grandfather that took me to treatments abused me while I was knocked out. I remember most of what happened before this time frame but there isn't anyway I will ever recover what happened during this period. Thing is I adored him.
Domestic Violence - age 20-24 I was married to a man who was a complete psycho - we're talking Lifetime Original Movie Psycho!!! I've learned that the reason I ended up with him was because I was so sick mentally from all that been through. He promised to love me like no one ever had, protect me from any harm...He would be my salvation. I know now that the only thing that can save me is myself...I was blessed with two beautiful children through out this huge mistake.
Breast Cancer - age 28 I was in treatment for alcohol and drug abuse. I don't know what prompted me to but I asked on of the other girls to feel of a lump in my breast,. She made me tell my case worker and I was at the hospital that afternoon. A week later I had a lumptecomy. Another 5 day later I was having my right breast removed and recovered in a addiction treatment center.
It wasn't until another 2 years later that I actually achieved sobriety - Today I have 5 years clean and sober . In May of 2006 I finally (after a year of tests and seeing doctors) I received the new that I had Hepatitis C. Seems I contracted it when I was on treatment for the Leukemia. I had around 10 blood transfusions in 1982...they didn't know much about it then and didn't know how to test blood for it. I have been on treatment for 7 months now and it is getting the best of me. The drug interferon causes severe depression. I've had to struggle with mild depression for years now. This medication has taken it to a whole different level.
Well that's enough information, probably too much!!! I just mainly wanted to explain why I hadn't been around much lately and look - went and told my life story.....
OF COURSE YOU COULD REACH ME THROUGH HERE OR at email@example.com.
MY NUMBER IS 423-650-4264
MY MAILING ADDRESS IS P.O. BOX 131 OCOEE, TN. 37361
||Nov 26, 2006
||Meeting Friends, Professional Connections, Support a Cause
|Group Host of
Dog Lovers, PAY IT FORWARD HELP OTHERS IN NEED, STOP DOMESTIC VIOLENCE & CHILD ABUSE SUPPORT & ADVOCACY, Wish Central
||I am a compassionate, loving, open minded woman who is the mother of 2 wonderful kids. There may be times that I don't show up much, the treatment I take for Hep C causes severe depression and there are times where nothing matters. My life lately has been one struggle after another one and I tend to get overwhelmed so I have to make a list of my priorities and live my life by that list. When you're sick sometimes you get caught up in this race to get things done and I often try to act as if I'm not sick; which has recently led me to a stay in the hospital because I kept going and going - I literally had a mental breakdown and had to stay in the hospital for 5 days. So, I'm relearning how to live life now because I have to accept that I have developed a severe mental illness because of all I have been through.
||Introduce yourself to Rebeca
love meat and veggies,
not a big sweet eater,
don't drink alcohol at all,
coke is my favorite soda,
drink lots of water
|Wild Fact About Me
||I LOVE TAPE!!! I PLAY WITH IT BETWEEN MY FINGERS!!!
||LIVE ND LET LIVE.
|What Gives Me Hope
||Meditation, getting out of my own problems and into someone elses.
|If I were Mayor, I'd make the world a better place by
||Encourage people to get back to the basics of being a person who stands behind what they say.
Find a way to make sure every American the basic necessities to survive - clothing, food, shelter, medical attention.
I don't care much for politics, It's a little above my head and too complicated for me to understand sometimes. I just try to be nice to everyone I meet.
|What/who changed my life and why
||CONVERSATIONS WITH GOD...It gave me views that made more sense than the religious teachings I was raised with.
|What Bugs Me
People who hurt kids and animals,
people who rape,
inconsiderate people w/no common sense,
crulety to animals,
meeting new and exciting people,
helping people and animals,
spending time with family and friends,
Reading and books,
Breaking the cycle
to fulfill my purpose on earth,
the sound of the ocean,
meditation and prayer
|What Scares Me
Losing the ones I love,
Ignorance and evil,
current USA administration,
||Live and Let Live
Books - Author,
Almost anything worth reading,
Conversations with God,
Rock and Roll,
upclose and personal
Dancing With The Stars,
Will and Grace,
Sex and the City,
|Can't Live Without
||Introduce yourself to Rebeca