I'm a single parent of two - a daughter (22) who has given me two grandsons, and a son (24) who is on his second stint in Iraq. :( I raised them alone for lack of a responsible, respectable, trustworthy partner in that endeavor. At least I seem to have done a fair job, in spite of any challenges or failings - they're both alive and well, mostly honest and respectable, learning from their mistakes, and trying to do positive things with their lives. I try to hold onto that when sometimes I feel sad or lost about less successful events in my life, my past, or their struggles.
Now, I have the proverbial "empty nest," but at least living alone for the first time in 23 years is giving me the first chance in a very long time to think - time to ponder the self-identity that I lost and neglected along the way while I was overwhelmed with tending my children's needs, time to realize that I've lived all my life with no belief system beyond what I essentially inherited from my parents as a child, time to start over in rebuilding "me" - physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
I spend many of my weekends taking care of my youngest grandson to give my daughter a break, a luxury that I didn't get when I was barely older than her with two little ones. Filling in the rest of my time has been another new challenge. Unfortunately so far, I've usually ended up wasting a lot of it vacantly watching t.v. I've spent much of the rest lost in a lot of scattered, unfocused, confused thoughts.... thoughts about vague goals, hopes, dreams, and beliefs, and less vague fears, worries, and regrets....
Every chance I get, and when I can bring any of it into focus, I put everything within my grasp into documents on my computer. I save it all on the computer because I habitually grasp a pen or pencil too hard and give myself writer's cramp all too easily, and my thoughts are often so fleeting that I can only catch them by typing, which is much faster for me. Frustratingly, one spring, I had a hard drive crash. I was in a habit of trusting everything to my hard drive, because my disk drive had been broken.... for about a year. I lost a lot of information, a lot of documents, months' of personal journaling and sorting of my long-delayed journey inward.
Even close friends and family had (and still have) no concept of the growth that I was working on, and what was lost in that crash. Even I (with my scattered memory and difficulty focusing my thoughts) haven't a definite idea of what I lost. I only know that I lost a tremendous amount of information, because I would sit at my computer for hours at least once or twice a week searching and saving information from online, and typing and saving my own ideas and realizations. I know that I had many documents with encouraging quotes, dozens of lists (I often LIVE by lists), reflections of fully explored concepts as well as barely the beginnings of ideas in dozens of directions in which I was exploring.... and much of it I now realize was irreplaceable, entrusted to an unreliable electronic friend, and otherwise lost to the black hole I wishingly call a brain!
Well, so on I go, starting from scratch where documentation is concerned. In some of my personal journeying, starting over as well, having no idea where to begin.... again.... With losing all of my computer records, I often find that I no longer have even the questions, much less the answers.... I guess at least, if I have time to ramble like this online for the baffled reading enjoyment of any number of strangers, I've got the spare time to eventually find a lot of new questions, if not the old ones. C'est la vie.
I'm an honest, sincere, affectionate, tenacious, communicative, articulate, generous, openminded, kind, compassionate woman of integrity with a playful, witty sense of humor, who is trusting to a fault. I was raised Christian, but have had a drastic change in my views in recent years; my beliefs are in transition as I explore my options, tentatively take part in friends' pagan practices, and sort out my own beliefs separate from my parents'.
Umm... I've gone to some swinger parties in the last couple of years..? *blush* This was shortly after I decided to take a break from relationships, since all I seem to find are every kind of loser (abusers, users, drunks, thieves, cheaters, liars, etc.). When I met a swinging couple, I figured that not having a relationship didn't mean that I had to go without after all. :)
As much as people pass judgment on each other for shallow or self-righteous reasons, I think that if we, as a species and as individuals, are to be judged at all, we should be judged by how we treat each other, by how we treat those that are in any way weaker or vulnerable, and by how we treat the planet that sustains us. Also, while they say that "money is the root of all evil," I had an epiphany a few years ago. Money is a thing, a useful tool; evil begins in the heart, therefore the cause must come from the heart as well. The problem isn't money, it's much more basic than that. The primary cause of wrongdoing, whether from being ignorant or evil or otherwise, is selfishness. Selfishness then in turn affects and directs the selfish person's attitudes and actions, whether they be toward money or things, others around them, or the world as a whole. For the selfish person, everything becomes about "what do *I* want/need?" and others' needs get mowed down in the pursuit of one's own selfish desires, even to the point of committing evil acts upon others.
What Gives Me Hope
Knowing that I can't be the only good, decent person on the planet that believes as I believe - about right & wrong, about how to treat each other, and about finding something better within ourselves and making it real in the world around us.
If I were Mayor, I'd make the world a better place by
confining the most brutal, vicious rapists, murderers, child molesters, etc., on an isolated island to contend with each other, and protect society from their inhuman behavior.
What/who changed my life and why
An epiphany I had in 1999 about society's ills being motivated by selfishness, and the book "Simple Abundance" that I received as a "re-gift," because it gave me a new perspective on how simply I could change how I feel about my life and the world around me.
PLEASE WEAR ORANGE ON FRIDAYS TO IMPEACH CHENEY AND BUSH AND AS A GENERAL PROTEST AGAINST KING GEORGE. PLEASE, JOIN STREET PROTESTS WHERE EVER AND WHEN EVER YOU CAN. WE ARE GOING TO NEED 1960'S METHODS AGAIN.