I have a few vices: 20 cups of coffee, daily.
0 to 24 of "good quality" beer per week.
I am a moderate, leaning towards liberalism.
I think I'm marching to a different drummer or gourd rattle...?!
I guess I should also mention......
I have kind of a "strange-warped" sense of Humor...?
A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive?
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up?
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it?
[Steven Wright]:
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
I broke a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually!
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
Why don't they make all plane's out of that black box stuff?
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
[ORourke-P.J.]:
Ideology, politics and journalism, which luxuriate in failure, are impotent in the face of hope and joy
If government were a product, selling it would be illegal.
If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat - in other words, turn you into an adult.
If you say a modern celebrity is an adulterer, a pervert and a drug addict, all it means is that you've read his autobiography.
In our brief national history we have shot four of our presidents, worried five of them to death, impeached one and hounded another out of office. And when all else fails, we hold an election and assassinate their character.
Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.
Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife
Never wear anything that panics the cat.
Seriousness is stupidity sent to college
The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.
The good news is that, according to the Obama administration, the rich will pay for everything. The bad news is that, according to the Obama administration, you're rich.
The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.
Children must be considered in a divorce considered valuable pawns in the nasty legal and financial contest that is about to ensue
Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.
Gossip is what you say about the objects of flattery when they aren't present.
Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.
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