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Craig Lee Asbury

"I am very much Don Quixote, and as long as no one holds a mirror up to me, I'll be just fine."

Springfield, MO, USA
male, age 44
single
Big Band vocalist, riverboat gambler, practitioner of magic, mentalist, cult leader, lepidopterist, 2nd president of El Dorania, evil genius, Vaudevillian, knight errant, and general scoundrel.
Speaks: English
Joined May 26, 2001
What I Want to Do: Finish writing this profile


 
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Joined May 26, 2001 Activist Aspirations Casual 
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Groups (AGR) A Green Road, ANIMAL HOTSPOT...THE INFORMATIVE PLACE, ANONYMOUS R US, Aftermath of War, Amnesty International, An Orchid in Australia, Better Schools Network, Bird watchers and feeders, Black Cat Teddy & Friends, DNC - Democratic National Committee, Defenders of Wildlife, Defenders of Wildlife Action Fund - Electing Pro-Wildlife Leaders, Dog Lovers, Donkey Lovers more »
Hometown Bolingbrook, IL 
Homepage http://www.craigleeasbury.com/  
Birthday Dec 27, 1970  
Languages English  
About Me Special prize for anyone who reads my profile from beginning to end.

Caveat: I'm really not paying as much attention to my care2 profile as I am to my 'myspace' profile. And yes that does make me feel 'dirty' inside.
http://myspace.com/craigleeasbury
Mea Culpa.

Greetings, glad you are reading this. If you really want to know more about me here it is in a nutshell, I'm a pacifist, socialist, meat free (but I can't call myself a vegetarian, I hate vegetables...and yes, that makes meal selection as hard as it sounds lol). I'm goofy, lazy (in as much as everything has a time, and usually for me that involves long waits). I'm endlessly patient, love slurpees.

Want more than the nutshell? Really? ok...

And now, the full nightmare of the 'night of the hideously long profile'. There will be a quiz following the reading. I bet you think I'm joking about that. However, if you take the time, you will learn about cures for racism, outer space cuisine, what keeps a person from being an evil genius, how to love, who Hoagy Carmichael is, evidence that Elvis lives, and even the freaking secret to happiness~!

Profession: Big Band vocalist, riverboat gambler, practitioner of magic, mentalist, cult leader, lepidopterist, 2nd president of El Dorania, evil genius, Vaudevillian, knight errant, and general scoundrel.

I am a Capricorn born in the year of the dog. That makes me half mutt half goat, but very loyal.

I love my Mom, even if that makes me a Mothers boy.

Home is where you hang your hat so apparently I live on the chair behind my computer.

I'm not a person who has any particular problem expressing himself.

I'm a very quiet person, I rarely blast my music or tv and am not really noisy in general. A habit formed in my childhood and held over. Loud, active people make me jittery, but in all fairness my silent stillness drives them buggy in return. I'd make the ideal roommate as I pretty much keep to myself and don't make a racket at all hours, despite the fact that I am often up all night.

Basically though, the truth about me is that I'm like a lot of other people, just sad and lonely.

Height 6'2" Wanted to be 6'3", was VERY short until late in high school when I grew like a mutant freak. Basically that means I am a big guy stuck with a Napoleon complex.

Weight 280 lbs. I'm the soft'n'fluffy sorta person. I must confess I borrowed that phrase about 15 years ago from David Letterman, and one of the all time great 'top ten' answers: Excuses of the Exxon tanker captain: "Thought harbor was filled with the soft, fluffy kind of rocks".

Eye color: blue. Both of them. I was going to say all three of them, just to see who was reading.

Hair color: auburn, kept short. Facial hair also very short, a bit more red in colour. No I'm not English, I just like using extra 'u's whenever I can. Actually, my facial hair tends to run in cycles, as I let it grow until it annoys me and I no longer want to look like Grizzly Adams' little brother, then I shave it down to a proper 'Miami Vice' stubble effect, and the circle of life repeats.

Religion: Christian. I'm cool with other faiths (Except religions that sacrifice animals, or that promote evil and selfishness). If you are Muslim, Wiccan, Christian, Sikh, etc etc, I'm cool with yours if you are cool with mine. I do not have any particular fondness for organized religion, personal faith is enough for me, but I do clearly like using the word 'cool'.

Ethnicity: Heinz 57 varieties. I'm 1/6 American Indian**, 1/8 Danish, and a WHOLE lotta everything else.

**=Do the math and round a bit lol, you have to understand I have the blood of many tribes from both my maternal and paternal heritage, and when you work it all up it comes best to this expression. My mother is 1/4th, my father 1/8th. I get so much crap over this but YOU tell me what easy fraction I should use~!!

At some point U.S. residents like me with really extensive ethnic heritages, and none dominant, are going to have to be declared 'American'. Hey, if you can be Danish or French or Chinese or Mexican, why not American? How long does a country have to exist before it earns the ability to make people of a certain definable type? And in today's world, with easy migration and extensive cross breeding, is it even possible to ever again make new definable ethnic subsets? This is actually a serious line of inquiry. Hey, at least I have a cultural identity of American. That's something I suppose.

And stop sending me angry messages over the '1/6th', or I'll breed with your daughters and make your grandchildren impossible to define.

Political stance: hard to answer, I'm very liberal in general... I believe in equality for all (White, hispanic, black, asian, gay, straight, female, male, does any of it MATTER?). Despise corporate BS. Pro Life, its murder people, deal with it. No guns, anti death penalty, but I'm for longer sentencing for violent criminals and mimes. Animal rights activist. Environmental activist. I rage against injustice. I was joking about the mimes.

To quote Marlon Brando in 'The Wild Ones' What am I rebelling against? Whaddaya Got?

Relationship status: dedicated bachelor...had my heart broken once too often. So its 'The Good Life' for me. Which of course is nothing more than the comforting lie I tell myself, cause I'd jump at love like a hungry dog for a biscuit.

Warning: I am very sarcastic and somewhat caustic, and people tend to take me seriously when I am merely being facetious. Take me with a grain of salt, and please don't be offended, unless arguing is one of your big turn ons.

PS, if you send me an introduction, or add me as a friend, or send telepathic messages or whatever, please check your myspace messaging, as I do often reply. And if you ignore my reply, you'll make me cry. You don't want to make me cry do you? What sort of sicko would that make you anyway? Also, I keep having to inform people of this fact, so perhaps it would be wise to state it here: I move like molasses, so please give me time to respond~!

Hey you know this is all sort of silly, describing yourself, who is gonna say "I'm a colossal arse and hate the world, I'm mean, nasty, and I like to help old ladies only HALFWAY across the street". Everyone thinks they are alright, so keep your guard up people~! :0)

Feel free to add me as a friend should you feel motivated to do so. I'm pretty laid back about most things, you won't offend me unless you stand there poking me with a sharp stick or something equally bizarre and annoying.

I'm the court jester. But like all clowns, I secretly long to be taken seriously. Though, having just admitted it, I guess the secret is blown.

Fun Things to do while reading my profile:
1. Knit a sweater.
2. Learn to juggle with your feet.
3. Read the profile out loud, in a Scottish accent. If you are from Scotland, read aloud as if you were French. Oui, French.
4. Jump up and shout "Viva la revolution!" every time I mention Frank Sinatra. If in public, deny that you have said anything.
5. Summon your mental energy so that in an hour you do not break down crying, sobbing under your breath 'it won't end, the profile never ends'.
6. Calculate Pi to the 14th decimal.
7. Give yourself a manicure. Advanced option, pedicure.
8. Form a quorum and discuss if using 1/6th is ever appropriate when referencing ethnicity.

WARNING: Reading this profile may cause dizziness, heartburn, sudden loss of consciousness, irritability, bad mojo, frequent and overwhelming desire to urinate, double vision, triple vision, vistavision, loss of ability to pronounce vowels, hair loss, dry eyes, sore throat, lycanthropy, misanthropy, philanthropy, the bends, dry blotchy skin, whooping cough, whooping crane, Bob Crane, vampirism, gingivitis, the gout, creeping self doubt, shout shout let it all out, dry cracked nails, sensitivity to light, fear of darkness, social anxiety, malaise, uncontrollable sneezing, megalomania, upset tummy, vague sense of doom, drowsiness, hyperactivity, sleepwalking, creepy desire to vote republican, zombieness, swelling of the hips knees and joints, intermittent thumb failures, inability to hitchhike, and general pain and discomfort. Read with caution.

~~~~

Wild Fact About Me:

When I was a young boy, I was able to pilot a huge ocean going freighter for a few minutes through part of a lock in Michigan.

My 'Myers-Briggs' personality type is INFP, a 'healer idealist'. IQ tests usually spit me out at 129 or 131. Oddly, NEVER 130, that's sort of a pun if you look for it ;0) The 'world's smallest political quiz' has me as a liberal, leaning slightly to libertarian (personal issues score is 80%. economic issues score is 40%). 'The Political Compass' has me at "Economic Left/Right: -6.25 / Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: -5.79", which puts me on the compass near Gandhi and Nelson Mandela, and nearly on target with the Dalai Lama. Not bad company, actually, I could do much worse for role models~!

I used to pick up hitchhikers a lot, I suppose some would find that 'wild'. One guy darted in front of me on a icy road, his car launched off a pile of snow on an off-ramp and rolled down the embankment. He walked out of the wreck unhurt, and without a word or signal from me he came to my now stopped car and got in.

One time at midnight during heavy fog, I was driving through a rough part of Joliet, Illinois and saw in the dark haze a silhouette of a figure with his thumb up, I knew nobody else was gonna stop for him, so I did. I took him all the way to where he had to go. On the way he shared stories about his time in the army and how thick fog like we were having could easily disorientate groups of men. I'm bad with names and couldn't tell you his, but I do remember we found it very cool we both had American Indian blood. It was a long drive, we talked a lot.

One afternoon I picked up a hitchhiker on highway 55 (the major highway running south from Chicago), and took him to a crossroads. He told me he had been hitchhiking across America, all the way from California, and was trying to get home. His mother was sick and he had no money for a bus or a plane.

Another time I was driving around at 3am on Ogden Avenue outside Chicago. I had to wee, and in the middle of the night it's often hard to find a bathroom. I stopped at a gas station, and a guy walked up to me and said 'I just got out of jail and the cops wouldn't drop me off at my car'. He handed me his papers from the jail, as if I were to inspect them, and asked me if I could drive him to his car. How can one ignore such honesty? So, after a quick run to the restroom, I spent a half hour taking him to where he needed to be, the guy had been in jail most of the day and didn't even know the area well enough to give me directions to his car, luckily I knew the intersection he said it was parked at. When we arrived, he reached into his pocket and offered me his last five bucks, I told him I couldn't take his last bit of money when he'd probably need it for gas to drive home. But that's not the real reason I refused the cash, I'll explain shortly.

Another time I was coming home from an all night card game, it was maybe 5 am, and at a poorly lit intersection this guy was trying to push his car off the road into a parking lot. I told him to hang on and parked my car, got out, and helped him roll it up hill to the entrance. He said he was going to be late for work so I point blank offered to take him, not even knowing where or how far it would be. When we arrived at what turned out to be a restaurant, he couldn't thank me enough for all my help, he was clearly a very religious fellow and said God bless you, and offered to give me some cash. I said I couldn't take it, and I told him why when he asked. You see once I had to walk from the far side of a neighboring town to my own home...it was a hot, sunny day, and I am very fair skinned and burn easily. Nobody, despite the great traffic that day, would stop to give me a ride. So I always remembered the rejection, and how it felt to be stranded, and that is why I picked up hitchhikers no matter the time or circumstance. As for the money? Well, I wanted to keep myself honest, and know that I was helping people for the right reason, so before I pick up any hitcher I already accept that I won't take a reward. That way, knowing I won't benefit, I feel that my heart is in the right place. He thanked me and said if he ever saw me walking on the side of the road, he'd stop and give me a ride.

These are only a few of the many, many people I have offered rides to. All of them mentioned here, with the singular exception of the guy who crashed his car, had one thing in common; they were all black or partly black, and I am a white man. Almost all of them commented on how amazed they were that I stopped to help them. I often wonder how I would feel if a black man had offered me a ride the day I was left walking home. Racism in America is weakened but not dead, but I treasure every one of these people and the stories they shared with me, and I hope they remember the pale, goofy, red haired white guy who gave them a ride. Maybe if more people of different colors or religions or nationalities spent a few minutes driving together, we'd have a lot more understanding in this world.

~~~~

I adore hot sauce, even though its a chore finding something I like to put it on (I don't eat meat, and hate vegetables). I also have a habit of drinking it straight from the bottle, as it were (a gift from my asbestos tongue)...pure concentrated fiery bliss...good hot sauce is when each breath you expel rolls out of your mouth like a dry desert wind, and your eyes are watering and your pulse quickens, mmm good.

~~~~

I have strange mental powers, even now, I am sensing something, I see a person, sitting in front of a computer, reading this profile...IT'S YOU, it's you I see~!...do not tremble before my mighty gift...

~~~~

I make a lot of jokes about my Vast Mental Powers, but that is drawn from some real psychic experiences I have had. I dream about people before they die, very disconcerting. Yes, I realize this sounds wonky and that 90% of the people reading this just tuned out, but I assure you I am not totally 'out there'. The fact is, my jokes stem from a desire to not believe in that which I have experienced...

If myspace lets you keep a friends list, why not an enemies list? And why is 'typo-ese' not a recognized language in the world?

I have a scar on my left leg and I have no idea what caused it. If you have any data as to the cause of this wound, feel free to contact me. I have a scar on my right leg from falling knee first into an empty glass fish tank when I was a kid. I have a lot of scars actually, but so far (knock on wood) I haven't broken anything. Though, I did chip the bone of my left big toe, you wanna talk about pain?

Warning, unpleasant wild fact: I have only had nightmares, pleasant dreams allude me. My dreams are chilling, highly detailed, and have left me feeling frightened hours after waking up. Not only do I have fear, but I have woken up screaming as well as sobbing, with my pillow covered in tears. And contrary to the myth, I know from multiple experiences that one can in fact die in a dream and not die in real life, though I do find being murdered very spiritually draining.

Once I was shot in the head at point blank range inside a car. Rather than die instantly, I was actually rather lucid. Though I could not see or hear beyond my body, I was aware of a stream of blood and body tissue flowing from my mouth, and was awash in the sickening realization that I was dying, and nothing could save me. The dream faded with my dimming consciousness.

Recurring themes in my dreams are the inability to convince anyone to listen to my warnings, being on the run, and apocalyptic landscapes filled with utter and overwhelming doom and despair. Obviously, I am thankful when I have nights without them...

Ok, now back to happier stuff:

I have spotted Elvis twice since he died, both times in the 1990's, and oddly, both times he was driving a car (not the same car either, guess Elvis still likes his vehicles). Long live the King~!

Being the tallest person in a room gives me a cheap thrill.

I am actually much, much shyer than this profile would suggest. Perhaps my selective exhibitionism is rearing it's head. In groups I tend to fade to the corners and find my element in relative tranquility. One on one or among a select handful, I become very talkative and frightfully honest with people. This can be received as either an unnerving or disarming quality, depending on the nature of anyone I am conversing with. When I notice I am putting someone on edge I can become very diplomatic, to the point of obsequiousness if necessary. Those who relax in my presence relax me in turn. Whole nights have passed in conversation, the mysticism shattered only by the awakening dawn breaking away the deceptive isolation of the night sky.

I have obsessive compulsive disorder. Hidden quite well I must say, though that is a talent born of practice and patience. It started when I was a boy in the 1970's, at that time there was no general understanding of OCD among most people and so I was just seen as weird. Frankly, at first my odd behavior caused me great panic and concern, and as anyone with OCD knows, that serves only to aggravate the symptoms.

The earliest event of which I am conscious is having to touch things in fours (my number, many obsessives have a 'number'). I would pass a phone booth in a mall for instance, and feel compelled to reach out and touch it, then, have to return and touch it three more times. Of course, if I was particularly affected, I would need to touch it in certain WAYS, or in certain patterns, and would need to start over and over until I hit four the RIGHT way. Sometimes my inability to achieve a 'correct' series would cause me to lock up, and use my safety word, which was and is 'clear'. Obviously, the word clear serves to do the very thing it means. Basically though, to a casual observer I was a wonky kid dancing around a phone booth in circles.

I still have my habits of course, when playing music sometimes I have to start a song over several if not dozens of times, usually on the 1st or 4th second. I also glance at things, in patterns, or revert to active touching, always a nuisance when in a crowded public place. I find it amazing and fascinating how my OCD adapts itself readily to new events. When I became an active computer user new patterns emerged. I often have to minimize and maximize windows several times, or in patterns with other windows I have open. When chatting on messenger, I often need to append an 'LOL' to my messages, as I feel a compulsive need to make sure there are L's in my sentences. I have issues with trying to include A's L's and S's in things, to the point that the domain names I own all include those letters (except one, which has JUST an S, but thats alright and follows my rules, however I won't bore you with the minutia of why lol). I also sometimes feel obligated to append extra pronunciation at the end of my instant messages, or even send a line of text that is ONLY a comma or period.

I do not attempt to medically regulate my ocd behavior, I take no drugs for it (just a general rule I have in life anyway as I truly believe most people are over medicated, the hardest drug I take is the occasional tylenol, and frankly that's something that only occurs a few times a year). OCD is part of who I am, though I will suppress it when in company, but at the same time I try hard to avoid swearing in public as well, everyone modifies themselves for the moment. Our little dishonest shows we put on in polite company, as it were. The upside is I do have some unique insights into life, and I appreciate the tv show "Monk" on a lot more levels than other people do. Though, the opening credits drive me batty. Every time it shows Monk pouring boiling water over his toothbrush and the water only floods HALF the bristles...I just want to scream when I see that~!

~~~~

I used to conduct little informal social experiments. My favorite, which I did dozens of times, was to wander about wearing an old fashioned wooden clothespin clipped prominently on my shirt. People would stare, eager to ask about it, and many would. Some assumed I was simply a complete moron and would dismissively or snidely inform me that I was wearing a clothespin (usually in a tone that also lent the unspoken idea that I was too stupid to be allowed to breed).

Others would notice that the positioning and prominence of the pin was much to deliberate to be a random mistake. And so came the question "why are you wearing that". Being the consummate bullshit artist I would wing it and shoot off all sorts of bizarre replies, all of which were well received. There was only one thing I could say that would earn a negative reaction, and that was the truth. It did not happen often mind you, but occasionally when I revealed I was wearing the clothespin so that people would ask me WHY I was wearing it, the honest answer invoked anger. To some extent I suspect they felt I had tricked them, manipulated their behavior. To those people I would always apologize, as I meant no offense. However, I will allow you to extrapolate your own conclusions about what this indicates as to people and honesty and comforting lies.

The really bizarre aspect of the whole experiment was how my friends reacted. Eventually, they started to want to join in, and in time I had to carry several extra clothespins with me and pass them out at the start of any group activity. This was what actually ended my experiment, as I had to either stop or accept responsibility for starting the single worst fashion accessory movement ever. And frankly, I was running out of pins for my laundry~!

~~~~

If I am ever kidnapped by aliens and taken to their home world, only to discover they consider me a delicacy, I should most like to be prepared with a peppered tomato sauce and a side dish of buttered rolls.

That's about it though, I'm not a wild person. I used to wake up suspecting I was a boring person, now I am convinced of it. But I am pleased with who I am...

"Once again" he thought, "I have managed to board the train without my trousers".

My Philosophy:

If I have only learned one thing in this world, then I really should have been paying a lot more attention.

Love yourself, but not in public, or you'll get arrested.

You know, people always seem to have a philosophy, though many choose self denial or self induced placation by ignorance. Some people have carefully constructed, elaborate models for living. As for me, I am simply passing through. I don't have a goal and I don't know where I am heading, I just am, here, patiently waiting, slowly absorbing, forming ideas. Maybe my philosophy is simply don't have one, just keep your eyes and ears open and never stop letting small epiphanies light your conscious mind. Or maybe that is just my philosophy du jour lol...ask me again tomorrow.

The great sadness of my life is that I am a misfit. Often, I am close to fitting in, but something always seems to be slowly pulling me out of orbit. It is a slow, insidious process, imperceptible until that moment when I realize how desperately out of phase I am with everyone else. People say they want to be different, but study those who pride themselves on being so, they are always just very strictly adhering to new rules, new conduct. They are being different by fitting into a subculture, be it one of goths or bikers or rock star wannabies. Ironically, in the difference they have found slavish obsession to fitting in and being mirror images of one another. No one who is truly different enjoys it fully. I long to be the same...

I am an extreme pacifist, meaning I do not advocate violence nor can I morally offer any support to anyone who employs violence, for whatever the reason may be. This not only includes but actually specifically applies to any army, of any government. One of God's commandments is Thou Shalt Not Kill. There is no asterisk next to that, no further instructions, no excuses, no exemptions. Killing for your country is still killing, and against all peaceful morality and the will of God. 'Just following orders' didn't cut it for the Nazi's, and it still doesn't excuse anyone.

Fact: patriotism is what's wrong with the world, as long as we put flags first, as long as nationality beats need, there will be war and hatred and mass unbalance. We need humanity first. False ideas of superiority based on country are what keeps us locked into the war mentality.

Not to turn somber, but sometimes you need to take people as they are. Often people expect more of me than I am able to provide, and it is hard to be something I am not. And so I think about that with other people...what they give may be all they have to offer, and it should be treasured. And remember, never push someone into a corner because then you may have just lost a little gem of humanity.

If someone ever starts to yell at you, wait until they pause for a moment, then say 'wow, somebody needs a breath mint'. It doesn't matter if they keep yelling, there really is no coming back at that point.

Always try and make a bad first impression. Good first impressions are mistakes~! Bad impressions weed out shallow and easily dissuaded people. Also, if you come off as a buffoon at first, it is easier to seem really 'together' later on. If you seem brilliant at first, that's a burden, something you have to live up to from then on.

In a related matter, the secret to all happiness is to seem stupid. Stupid people are forgiven quickly, not expected to do anything, and if they say anything even remotely clever people will fawn all over them. You think Einstein could make a lame comment without people being greatly disappointed? But stupid people are expected to make lame comments, and nobody faults them for it.

In summation: smart people with good first impressions=miserable gits. Seemingly stupid social rejects=gobs of happiness.

Book sequels I think should never be written:
"The Accidental Fascist."
"The Story Of O, Henry."
"Mediocre Expectations."
"Charlie And The Laxative Factory."
"The Hatchback Of Notre Dame."
"The Count Of Monte Crisco."

Lines I have dreamed up that I think would sound really cool in a movie:
"Please, like you have never accidentally caused the destruction of Earth"
"Wait, did you mean the YELLOW wire?"
"But my dear, you see I am in fact your cousin"
"50 thousand dollars, 500 thousand dollars, whose gonna notice the difference"
"Should the building be surrounded by so many policemen?"
"And I don't even want to tell you what he did with that car"
"And then I bit into my cereal, but it wasn't really cereal, was it Bob!"
"Sooner or later, we all have to dress in drag to avoid mobsters, thats the way nature intended it".
"Carl, Carl...is your gift ticking too?"
"Do you love me enough to shave your head and join my cult?"
"Trademarks explained: 'r' is for registered, 'tm' is for trademarked, and 'tp' is for when an idea is just plain crap."

Things I have learned the hard way:
1. You can try and sympathize with bullies, and try and understand that they have issues and are real people, but nonetheless, a bully will only keep being an ass.
2. Cliched 'popular people' tend to make for shallow friends, but you can meet some interesting people after they leave the room.
3. Customer service can almost always be more accurately renamed 'customer disservice'. Regardless, it's best to just shrug it off and move on, rather than make an issue of it. You may get a free meal or a discount on your purchase, but the cost in frustration and time is not worth the reward.
4. Always find out what a person is most interested in before you make jokes. People rarely find humor about what they love to be amusing.
5. Only you can change, nobody else can. True or not, if you remember this and treat it as a personal motto, you will not be as frustrated by the actions of others, and will be pleasantly surprised by the growth you will start making as a person.
6. You rarely look as stupid as you think you do.
7. Guilt is rarely useful, and always painful, and will haunt you at the oddest times.
8. A good cry and an hour's worth of self pity can be surprisingly cleansing to the soul.
9. Some people are essentially psychic vampires, and will suck you dry of energy and life. They are not the same as people who sincerely need help either, as they just need without cause. They rarely know this about themselves, and are not actively seeking to harm you. Nonetheless they will always leave you drained. Avoid them, you can never fill their void.
10. People who don't like animals rarely have any degree of compassion for humans either.
11. No matter how sage you may feel you are being, if you are drunk and explaining to the Denny's restaurant security guard how he should always be diplomatic as anyone could just hit him at any time, he will not find this news profound, but simply threatening.
12. Never eat at a restaurant that needs to employ guards.
13. Just because you can physically lift that last glass of unidentified liquor to your lips, doesn't mean you should keep drinking.
14. If you violate observation number 13, and take that drink, and wind up in a Denny's bathroom at 3 am drunk and vomiting, always remain standing. Always.
15. Never eat in a restaurant that has filthy bathrooms that require you to stand while vomiting. Also, probably best to not eat at places that have drunks in the bathroom being sick.
16. Never sit near the largest tables in a Denny's restaurant at any time that teens may also want to eat there.
17. Pretty much just avoid Denny's.
18. That last one is left blank, because you always need to keep learning new stuff~!

This profile will now go into intermission. Feel free to stand up and stretch your legs, visit the snackbar and get some popcorn, or make a trip to the bathroom.

What Gives Me Hope:

Very little...I live on negativism and cynicism sometimes. But what most people fail to understand is that deep in the heart of every cynic is a place of hope, a romantic dreamers soul, and a certain amount of worldly knowledge.

Sometimes though, in the calm of the dawning day, a blue sky wrestling away the starry night, a gentle breeze giving the air a crisp clean feel, I will gaze into my back yard, and watch the little birds bathing and the rabbits lazily chewing on grass, and I will feel reborn.

If we all applied ourselves, formed multinational scientific enclaves and funneled massive financial and material resources into the project, I'm really quite sure we COULD figure out how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop. Mr. Owl will be pleased.

Also, I feel good knowing that no matter what sort of store I am in, be it a gas station, clothing store, book market or record shop, I can always confuse the hell out of the salespeople by demanding they 'give me fries with that'.

~~~~

I see these "ten things I'd like to do before I die" lists online and so here is one I have composed just for my profile, all of which are serious, save one, you have to figure that part out on your own:

In no particular order of importance, it's called randomness, embrace it:
1. Assuming Bo Derek and Dudley Moore were on to something, I'd like to actually make love while listening to 'Bolero'. It's very heady music and the reason it seems perfect for love making is the way it builds to a crescendo, of course. Imagine music that grows with intensity to match your budding passions...ARGHH, I'm missing out here...
2. Successfully adopt an alter ego and different accent, and stay at a bed and breakfast for a weekend, charming the other guests and the host while I weave a web of colorful stories. Having my cover blown or accent sussed out as fake would make the attempt a failure, I want to pull it off~!
3. Be a published author, which I will quantify as a book for which I am the sole author and which has international and widespread distribution. Being published in an anthology collection or magazine would be absolutely amazing, but still not quite ring-a-ding-ding the bell on this goal.
4. Appear on a talk show of some sort, and also, manage NOT to make an absolute ass of myself in the process. Though I suppose being a remarkable failure on television would be something of an achievement of it's own. In the "department of nearly made it": twice I have been a call-in guest on a game show, the first time I won the whole shebang (and 250 bucks), the second time I was the very first person to get the boot lol.
5. Be loved, genuinely. I have loved, but never truly felt love in return.
6. Be elected to office, though frankly any office no matter how lowly would be fine, as if it had any real power I'd be mortified (though still sincere in my efforts).
7. Finally learn enough of another language that I could visit a country that uses said tongue and never fall back on my native English. I have no gift for languages, but just enough to make my way around is all I'd need for this goal. Oh, and of course, actually do the visit itself...
8. Find the six fingered man who killed my father....no no, wait, that was Inigo Montoya's wish...
9. Drive a vintage Aston Martin DB-5 through Switzerland / Ride a bus from New York City to Los Angeles / Take a train ride, in a sleeper car, across Canada, the US, and through most of Europe. Obviously, not the SAME train in all three places, though, what a freaking awesome train that would be aye?
10. Just be happy. Isn't that the whole point anyway?

Things I'd Do To Make The World A Better Place:

Finishing construction on my volcanic island fortress, and slowly immersing myself in madness and world domination. Oh yeah baby, I am totally in touch with my 'Inner Blofeld'~!

Actually, try as I might to be an Evil Genius and conquer the world, a few of my personality traits hold me back:
1. I tend to capture and release any bugs or spiders I find in the house. Evil Genius problem: respect for life makes world domination problematic.
2. Women tell me I am a big teddy bear or that they feel safe with me. Evil Genius problem: Failure to inspire fear and command respect in others.
3. I have plants, in my room, watered, growing. And have for years. Evil Genius problem: Just way to wishy washy.
4. I only Drink on special occasions. The last time was March of 1998. I only smoke when I am on fire, and I am so against doing drugs I rarely even take Tylenol. Evil Genius problem: Lack of bad habits, can't lead an army of paid assassins while drinking coke and eating tic-tacs.
5. I love to listen to and sing along with Jim Nabors on "I'd like to teach the world to sing (in perfect harmony)". Evil Genius problem: Oh boy...

A guide to the fake professions I list at the top of this profile, half of which I have included because they are fake professions claimed by some of my favorite characters, the other half because I think they sound slightly absurd. And here is where they come from:
Big Band vocalist: Hawkeye on M*A*S*H once flippantly introduced himself to a new nurse as a 'band vocalist'.
riverboat gambler: Sounds fun, makes me feel like one of the Maverick brothers.
practitioner of magic: One of my favorite comedy teams is Wheeler and Woolsey, who were rivaled only by Laurel&Hardy as comic stars of the 1930's. Robert Woolsey playing a conman claimed, among other things, to be a practitioner of magic (as opposed to a mere magician, mind you) in the 1930 film "The Cuckoos".
mentalist: Just sounded funky.
cult leader: Long story short (unusual for me), but many have told me I should be a cult leader, as I have a certain presence that appeals to the wonky. I choose to interpret this as a strange compliment, after all ignoring reality is important in cults...
lepidopterist: James Bond in "On Her Majesty's Secret Service" manages to insult M's butterfly collection, calling one of his specimens unusually small. M, annoyed and dismissively, comments that he did not know lepidoptery was one of 007's specialties.
2nd president of El Dorania: Wheeler and Woolsey again in "Cracked Nuts" from 1931. I have a very long story about discovering this comic team and it relates entirely to this movie, and a ten year wait to see it again. Email me if you are curious. However, Robert Woolsey as Zup becomes the first president of island nation El Dorinia. Hence, I am second.
evil genius: My destiny MUAH HA HA.
Vaudevillian: Be bold, Vaudeville may be dead but why not pursue a career in it anyway?
knight errant: In 2004 a friend emailed and asked what a Knight Errant was. In typical form I responded with a slight error in my message, inadvertently transposing two words. I had intended to say a knight errant was someone who wandered about looking for wrongs to right. I managed however to suggest they looked for 'rights to wrong'. A knight in error, at best.
And finally, general scoundrel: Well as for this all I can say is at least it's better than evil genius.

What/who changed my life and why:

The Gold Rush, Charlie Chaplin's masterpiece of comedy, loneliness, and hope. I go into a great deal of detail on that here.

Charlie's birthday is the 16th of April, and that's one of my favorite holidays of the year.

I also must say that "When Harry Met Sally" changed my life, as ever since I first saw that movie in 1989 I have developed into a Billy Crystal-esqe wisecracker.

Also, I am deeply interested in conversations based around tangents. Not necessarily conversations, anything at all. Life leads in all directions, up down. I've been both, one time I was down because of the doorbell, it rang and I ran to get it, and on the way managed to strike my toe against a door frame, and boy that laid me down fast. I was laying there in pain, holding my foot. Never did find out who was at the door. I have bad luck with my feet, once had some clowns at work knock a milk crate off a stack right onto my foot. The blood soaked through my shoe in half a second. I didn't mean actual clowns of course, I wasn't working in a circus. James Bond once pretended to be a clown, that was in 'Octopussy' in 1983, the same year the Police released their last studio album. Sting of course went on to record his masterpiece 'The Dream Of The Blue Turtles' which was very jazzy and featured Branford Marsalis on saxophone. Now normally I am not a big fan of the sax, but the way Branford plays, in long mournful passages, really touches my soul. Soul, soul...hmm like David Soul. He was in a tv show once, maybe twice. Some sort of cop show, bad guys, car chases, that sort of thing. I mean cars are boring, its all driving along, watching the yellow lines, then suddenly SPIDER oh my freaking hell SPIDER, its coming down in your face, and you can't move cause you are trapped behind the wheel. Then look out!, someone is in front of your car, then a thump~! And you swerve off the road and jump out, and long story short, it's another night digging a shallow grave by the side of the road. But life is like that, one minute driving along and the next digging away, that's the way it is, like a good conversation you never know where it will go next. One tangent to another.

Some hard earned 'life changing' knowledge: It really doesn't matter what your sex is, or what sex you date, this is fairly universal...never get involved with someone who cannot (or will not) discuss their emotions, or who will not share what is in their hearts. People who fail to be intimate with those who are close to them are people who will never truly love, and never truly understand the love you have to give. And, though it may sound strange, never give your heart to anyone who shows no interest in your passions, who will not read what you write, will not at least find your oddities strangely charming, who consistently chooses everything else over you. Love is give and take, never be afraid to 'give', but never deny yourself some 'take' either. And when someone shows you love, cherish every moment because this gift is usually fleeting. And remember to do all you can for your lover, understanding that you are the architect of gentle dreams and the author of warm nostalgic memories that will one day comfort their hearts.

~~~~

On this spot in 2004, a brave reader passed away while attempting to reach the end of this profile. R.I.P.

My Interests:

This is my adult section, skip the next few paragraphs if you prefer :0p

Women, I adore them. I have developed an almost eerie power over females...my voice opens their minds to desires they have only dreamed possible. And with one lusty glance I fill them with visions of passionate moments, slow wet kisses, clothing cast aside in haste, teasing fingers floating over flesh hungry for touch, moans of pure abandon and unbridled sensuality, and ultimately breath quickening prior to moments of absolute and guiltless bliss.**

**=some abilities claimed in this statement may or may not be the product of a hopeful imagination.

I have coined new terms for "self love". For men, they are "erecting a Howard Johnson's", for women, they are "Paddelin' Madeline home". The male reference should be self evident, the female one is actually the name of a song from the 1920's that I have shamelessly appropriated and added new meaning too :0p

Etiquette for men on the topic of wooing a mate and the course of a relationship. Women, it is verboten for you to read this section. These are man secrets and not to be divulged to those of your sex.

Step 1: Dating

It is important to maintain a respectful attitude to your female companion. Examples: Open car doors, open restaurant doors, open stuck jar lids, open up your mind to her. In general, just be opening a lot of stuff. An important exemption is bathroom stall doors, just let her do with them as she pleases. Also, you could be arrested for loitering about the ladies room. Women are known to appreciate conversation. Conversation, rather surprisingly, seems to not include any dialogue about sports, bodily functions, your last girlfriends boobs, or how you woke up in a puddle of your own wee after that 'monster bender' last year. Be romantic, women appreciate warmth and compassion and thoughtfully loving gestures. Flowers are a good start but amateurish, try a potted plant or some potpourri. A plant stolen from her neighbors porch is a bad ploy, so take the time to drive a few streets over and raid a yard there. Compliment her, they adore this. Women hunger for compliments like a junkie longs for his next fix. Talk about her eyes. Examples include "what a lovely shade of blue they are", or how they "twinkle with an innocent charm". Avoid saying things such as "they seem oddly mismatched" or "what a lovely shade of blue they are" if she has brown eyes.

Step 2: Seduction

The delicate art of seduction, or, how to get yours. Go slow, if you seem too eager women do not interpret this as a compliment on how irresistible they are, rather they think you will be just as hurried once the act commences. Even though sex is a dirty, disgusting, animalistic act, for some reason women like to linger about doing icky things. As men, we must accept this burden.

Bad seduction lines: "your ass is mine", "this won't take long", and the classic blundering "Mother calls in fifteen minutes so let's get it on".

Step 3: Meeting the family

Parents are evil, as humans we have grown to accept this universal maxim. But with a little skill you can maneuver out of the deadly familial asteroid belt.

Charming the mother:
Good: "I see where your daughter gets her good looks from".
Bad: "I see where your daughter gets that huge rack from".
Good: "Why yes, I'd enjoy a glass of wine before dinner".
Bad: "wine? That's for beginners, where's the whiskey?"
Good: "You could be sisters, not mother and daughter".
Bad: "Oh Sh!t, I hope your daughter ages better than you did".

Spending the night at her parents house:
Good: "Why yes, we should sleep in separate beds".
Bad: "Sure, we can sleep in separate beds, we did it in the car on the way over anyway".

Step 4: Stag party etiquette.

Ok, this is the last thing you need to know. You are engaged, the game and your life are over. As you prepare to embrace the end of freedom and joy, you must get out of that one last tricky night, the bachelor party. Basically this is a pre wedding soiree often held in a hotel or bar. Luckily, everyone is drunk and acting stupid so you can't really do wrong. However, inevitably, invariably, without fail, and in other terms of certainty, a stag party will eventually include a screening of what is known as a "blue movie", which seems an odd name as there are very few blue things to be seen in them. This is ultimate male bonding and one must be on constant guard to not embarrass himself during this sanctified ritual. The following are things that if uttered as the blue movie plays, will assure you are banished to the hotel parking lot without your pants:

1. OHHHH, so THAT'S how it's done. I've always wondered.
2. I wish they'd show that guy a little more.
3. I could do that better than she does.
4. Hey Bob! Is that your little sister?
5. Eww, that is so NOT sanitary.

OK, adult section is over lol:

Also, I'm interested in the internet and making web pages. I have a website that I neglect way too much, on the upside there exists enough older content on it to make it worth visiting.

You are growing sleepy, sleepy...your eyes are heavy, you are asleep, only my words penetrate to your dreams. You will do as I say, you will finish reading this profile and forget that you read this instruction, however, whenever you hear a bell ring you will run to your bathroom and paint your face like a clown. You may continue reading now:

Words I Like:
esoteric
hausfrau
innocuous
verboten
autumn
antediluvian

Also I love to swear, I really do. Yes, a bad habit...but so damn fun.

I enjoy building and painting model kits.

Otherwise, I am fairly well given to antiquated tastes.

~~~FOODS:~~~

Pizza. Cheese. Cokes. Orange tic tacs. Floats, made with root beer OR cherry vanilla Dr Pepper.

No meat: unethical~!
No vegetables: inedible~!
Meal selection difficulty: unfathomable~!

Eat at Joe's.

~~~PLACES:~~~

Hmm, I am a homebody...I don't have favorite place"S", just a favorite place. Maybe I should have been a hobbit. I'm way to tall for that, but perhaps if I start shaving my feet they will grow furry...

This space for rent.

Can't live without these 5 things: Everyone always puts cool stuff like 'love' or 'compassion' or 'hugs' for lists like this, however...I am such a spoiled creature of comfort, I'd suffer terribly and put on a melodramatic show if I ever had to do without (1) air conditioning, (2) my computer, (3) movies, or (4) music. A fifth thing? Clean sheets on my bed, is there any better feeling than a freshly scrubbed body and newly laundered bedsheets? Probably not.

Music:

Pop music (1910's-1960's: Sinatra, Al Jolson, Ruth Etting, Jimmy Durante, Dick Haymes, Nina and Frederik, Anita O'Day, Rudy Vallee, Mario Lanza, Bing Crosby, Johnny Mathis, Gene Austin, Cliff Edwards, Nat King Cole, Jim Nabors). Romantic era classical fills my soul with passions: (Georges Bizet, Giacomo Puccini, Claude Debussy, Peter Tchaikovsky, Frédéric Chopin, Antonin Dvorak, Nikolay Rimsky-Korsakov, Giuseppe Verdi, Gustav Holst, Camille Saint-Saëns, Erik Satie). Others from the classical to modern era, such as Joseph Haydn, Maurice Ravel, George Gershwin. Also, I adore waltzes. Lounge (Jackie Gleason). Calypso. Some old country, Marty Robbins. Some more modern...Beach Boys, Yes, Phil Collins (and Genesis), Sting (and The Police), Aimee Mann (and 'Til Tuesday. Aimee was GREAT in concert in Chicago back in '94), Thompson Twins, Barry Manilow, Billy Ocean, Pet Shop boys, Bjork, The Bangles, Gerry & the Pacemakers, Temptations, Lionel Richie (his 'Just For You' album is the only CD of newly recorded material I have bought in a couple of years). New Agey stuff (Vangelis, Ray Lynch, Enya, Tangerine Dream), Soundtracks (Chaplin, John Barry (his James Bond soundtracks are beyond perfection), Bernard Hermann). Jazz and big band (Tommy Dorsey, Paul Whiteman, Artie Shaw, Benny Goodman, Bix Beiderbecke, Ralph Marterie, King Oliver, Lionel Hampton, Louis Armstrong, Red Norvo, Eliane Elias, Miles Davis, Harry James, Isham Jones, Count Basie, Bobby Hackett, you'll notice that many of these people play the trumpet or cornet, the loveliest sounding musical instrument). Ragtime (Scott Joplin, 'Bethena' is a masterpiece). Always been very fond of the 1800's classic 'My Darling Clementine'. I have forgotten more than I listed. Music is very important to me.

I enjoy singing when I am alone, notice I am not claiming any special talent however :0p . I croon, more or less, sort of an amalgam of the styles of Sinatra, Crosby, Vallee, and Haymes, with a little Cliff Edwards for luck.

Greatest song ever, Hoagy Carmichael's "Stardust":

And now the purple dust of twilight time,
steals across the meadows of my heart.
High up in the sky the little stars climb
always reminding me that we're apart.
You wander down the lane and far away,
leaving me a song that will not die.
Love is now the stardust of yesterday,
the music of the years gone by...

Sometimes I wonder why I spend the lonely night dreaming of a song.
That melody haunts my reverie and I am once again with you,
when our love was new and each kiss an inspiration.
But that was long ago...
Now my consolation is in the stardust of a song.
Beside a garden wall where stars are bright, you are in my arms.
That nightingale tells its fairy tale, of paradise where roses grew.
Though I dream in vain, in my heart it will remain;
my stardust melody, the memory of love's refrain.

Movies:

I enjoy silent films, early talkies, screwball comedies, musicals, 50's sci-fi, classic westerns, James Bond films. I like some modern movies as well...but most new films are just so BLAH. Everything was superior in the classics...as an example take 'From Here To Eternity', I can still hear that haunting speech that Maggio (played by Frank Sinatra) delivers. He is wounded, having broken out of jail, and clutching his friend close. He warns of the horror he lived through, his words broken and pained, half whispered, half gasped: 'Fatso done it, he likes to whack me in the gut, he asks me if it hurts and I spit at him like always. Only yesterday... it was bad, he hit me, he hit me...he hit me. I had to get out. Watch out for fatso, he'll try to crack you. And if they put you in the hole, don't yell, don't make a sound...you'll still be yelling when they come to take you out. Just lay there...just lay there and be quiet".

Great directors whose work I enjoy include Elia Kazan, D.W. Griffith, and the versatile genius of Robert Wise.

I cry at movies, and do so unrepentantly. Actually, I feel a degree of pity for people so beyond shameless sentiment that they cannot do so. However, I like happy endings, tearjerkers and triumphant conclusions work well together.

When I myself was barely 'sixteen going on seventeen' I developed a huge crush on the eldest Von Trapp daughter Liesl, from the masterful film "The Sound Of Music". This is one of the ten best films I have ever seen, and despite the feast of entertainment it offers, I always find myself distracted by a small twinge of love for Liesl...(Charmian Carr, who played Liesl, and I were both born in northern Illinois, and both on the 27th of December, her in 1942, 28 years prior to my appearance in the world).

Another actress I have a huge crush on, Maryam D'Abo (as the breathtaking cellist Kara Milovy in the brilliant James Bond film 'The Living Daylights') was also born on the 27th of December, her in London in 1960. Guess it's all about that day for me lol.

Quick question: In the future do you think they will make soylent white, 100% aryan food product, for racists?

Actors I like include:

Montgomery Clift, Charlie Chaplin, Douglas Fairbanks, Laurel&Hardy, Harrison Ford, Tom Selleck, Mary Pickford, Humphrey Bogart, Tim Daly, Charles Gray, Joey Bishop, Alan Alda, Ernest Borgnine, Sean Connery, Frank Sinatra, Russell Crowe, Meg Ryan, Paul Newman, Ice T, Don Knotts, Tony Curtis, Sir Roger Moore, Al Jolson, Richard Gere, Richard Boone, Gene Kelly, Leslie Caron, Wheeler and Woolsey, Dorothy Lee, Sidney Poitier, Christopher Plummer, Doris Day, Hoagy Carmichael, Richard Dean Anderson, Deforest Kelley, William Shatner, Dick Van Dyke, Sean Penn, Steve McQueen, Mr T., Jack Klugman, George Lazenby, Telly Savalas, Buster Keaton, James Spader, Robert Ryan, Diana Rigg, Warren Oates, Peter O'Toole, Al Pacino, Chris Kattan, Steve Martin, David Caruso, Eddie Murphy, Julie Andrews, Marlon Brando, Val Kilmer, Valeria Golino, Sophia Loren, Ryan O'Neal, Michael Douglas, Kirk Douglas, Ernest Torrence, Gerard Depardieu, Fred Astaire, Ginger Rogers, David Niven, Max Linder, Simon Baker, Alan Rickman, Tony Shalhoub, James Garner.

More cool films:

Galaxy Quest (loving Star Trek parody), On Dangerous Ground (1952 film noir brilliance), The Young Lions (unglamorous view of three soldiers in ww2), Hoosiers (utterly wonderful and nostalgic), The Gold Rush (Chaplin's masterpiece), On Her Majesty's Secret Service (James Bond film I am absolutely obsessed with), Buster Keaton's 'The Cameraman' and 'Steamboat Bill Jr.'.

Television:

M*A*S*H (best classic show on tv, another of my DEEP obsessions, having seen most episodes literally dozens of times), The Honeymooners, The Guardian (so brilliant, sadly canceled), Scientific American Frontiers, Love Boat, Fantasy Island, The Greatest American Hero (A show I recently discovered to be even better than I had remembered it), The A~Team (Don't touch my van sucka!), Remington Steele (How's that for a deep, dark secret?), Quantum Leap, MacGyver, Bonanza, The Munsters, Have Gun Will Travel, Benny Hill (bawdy brit humor always makes me laugh), The Joey Bishop Show, The Persuaders! (Clever 70's British show starring Tony Curtis and Roger Moore), Lost In Space, F-Troop, Quincy M.E., CSI Miami, Knight Rider, Kojak (Telly Savalas original version ONLY), McHale's Navy, Coupling (Makes me laugh like a fool, original version not cheesy American remake), Simpsons, Late Night with Conan O'Brien, Star Trek (classic and DS9), Changing Rooms, Ground Force, Law and Order, Stargate SG-1, Mr. Ed (a horse is a horse, of course of course), Charmed, Adventures of Superman, Gomer Pyle USMC, Andy Griffith, King of the Hill, Emergency! (my childhood hero was Johnny Gage, I still think Randolph Mantooth is cool), Honeymooners. NBC's Thursday night comedy line up (and yes, ER). Craig Ferguson. Game Show Network (GSN) and Match Game.

I also enjoy current shows like American Idol, Dancing With the Stars, actually pretty much ANY competition based program. Seriously...Hell's Kitchen, Top Chef, Project Runway, America's Next Top Skater, America's Got Talent, So You Think You Can Dance, etc etc...I'd watch a show about people in staring contests if they made one, actually that could be fun, they could send out distractions and try to make the people look away from their competitor. Clowns, Balloons, sudden noises, topless women, whatever it takes. Last to look away wins...this fall on ABC. Lol...I'll wait for that call from the network.

I also love figure skating, watching all the competitions and exhibitions that air in my area. My favorite discipline is ice dance, followed by the ladies, though pairs and men are not far behind. Among currently competing skaters, Marie-France Dubreuil and Patrice Lauzon are tops on my list of ice dancers, and Emily Hughes is the best singles skater in my opinion. Actually I rather adore Emily, she has this upbeat smile that could take the bleak out of any mood. My interest in ice skating is more artistic and less about technical perfection. I don't care about flawless, cold execution of moves, I want to be entertained. Music and the interpretation of it in movement are key in this regard.

Is anybody actually still reading my profile? I tend to the verbose as you must have noticed by now...

Books:

Authors I like: Charles Dickens, Oscar Wilde, Walter Kerr, David Robinson, Upton Sinclair. Great books: Dickens' "Nicholas Nickleby". Thomas Burke "Limehouse Nights". Charlie Chaplin "My Life In Pictures". Don't you just love the musty smell of old books? The oldest I own dates from 1895, the same year silent film legend Buster Keaton was born. That book is 'Little Dorrit' by Dickens, and was a gift from my Mother and sister. Even being well over a hundred years old, it's still not an original edition.

And Archie comics...especially Jughead, but really any of the Riverdale crew make me smile.

~~~ROLE MODELS:~~~

The good reverend Martin Luther King jr. He knew he was facing a torrent of hate and yet peacefully brought about change. That is true courage. Any fool can pick up a gun and pretend to be a man. It takes someone special to approach danger with an open hand.

My essay on pacifism and Martin by request on my website.

Also, I think wombats are pretty cool.

Be sure to read the following sections: Pets, wild fact about me, Favorite Quotation and look for that pop quiz you still think I'm joking about...
  Introduce yourself to Craig Lee
  Lifestyle
Pets Dog and cat, house plants, dust bunnies, gnats  
Activist Aspirations Casual
Political Leaning Very Liberal
Religions Christian - Other  
Eating Habits Vegetarian  
Wild Fact About Me A couple of those 'get to know me' lists that people email to one another and that I have filled out:

Seven things I hate doing or scare me

1. Breaking bad news.
2. Violence. This is more of a 'scare me' entry, I'm not implying 'I hate doing' it, like some reticent hit man. What the hell is wrong with you for even assuming that anyway. Don't make me whack you, sicko~!
3. Dealing with medical situations or personnel. Not scared, just hate dealing with them.
4. Spiders. Though less than it used to be.
5. New things sometimes scare me. Go figure.
6. Dealing with crowds of people/being in crowded places.
7. Attending funerals, marriages, etc.

Seven things I like

1. Music, passionately.
2. Movies. Again, passionately.
3. World domination.
4. Dogs, birds, bunnies, animals in general.
5. Calm.
6. A good pee.
7. Family: my doggie Dusky, my cat Midnight, and my Mom.

Seven random facts about me

1. I saw my first crime watching a man load liquor bottles into the sleeves of a coat he was carrying. This happened at an A&P grocery when I was 7 or 8.
2. The last alcohol I consumed was in late March of 1998. 4 bottles of various beers with a good friend who knew quite a lot about locating good beers. And no, he did not find them in the sleeves of the coat he was carrying.
3. I did not learn to drive until I was 22.
4. I wore the same hat for more than a dozen years. You know, I took it off to shower and sleep and such.
5. I am allergic to penicillin, aspirin, and cigarette smoke.
6. In my sophomore year of high school everyone had to take speech. One day as I was addressing the class and my teacher I accidentally said the F word...while being videotaped.
7. I have freckles, many have faded with age and sun avoidance...but my forearms are still well covered.

Seven things I’d like to do before I die

1. Finish writing all these damn lists.
2. Figure out why everything is in sevens here. Why not 5, or 10, like a normal freaking list? Or at least an even number, something soft and friendly like four. I mean, SEVEN, what the hell is that about anyway? ARGHHHH
3. Being in my mid thirties, I have begun to be possessed by the awareness that I have left no footprints in the world. I used to be totally unconcerned about this, in fact such a desire would have previously struck me as shallow. But I want a legacy. Not children, any fool can breed, and by the time your grandkids grow up your whole legacy will basically be summed up by the inevitable trip they will make to auction off granddad's old nick-knacks so they can raise money for a trip to Tahiti. No, I want something more tangible, an artistic achievement that will touch the hearts and minds of future generations who have no blood tie to me. I guess since I will be dead it is all irrelevant. But still.
4. Maybe, just maybe, I really WOULD like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony.
5. Become a published author.
6. Be elected to public office, no matter how lowly the position.
7. Not die.

Seven things I can do or have done

1. Wisecrack. In the proper mood I can churn out snappy comebacks and improvise humorous comments like a 1950's tv comic.
2. I have an old sword, used for ornamental dress in the 1800's by a Chicago men's club. It is lightweight but razor sharp, and I can do tricks with it, twirling it about my hand like a cheerleader marching with her baton. It is my cliched bit of male stupidity-slash-bravado. I can also do the rapid 'knife dancing between the fingers' trick that Bishop the android demonstrated in Aliens. Almost got kicked out of a Denny's once for demonstrating that risky talent on one their dinner tables. I actually DID get booted out once for bringing in a radio and playing counter programming to the Denny's muzac. Maybe they just hate Phil Collins. Music=get out, knives=play nice but stay. Go figure.
3. I can whistle fairly well, and enjoy doing so.
4. I'm so mean I once killed a man just for snoring too loud.**
5. Once, in the middle of the night, I picked up a hitchhiker who was fresh out of jail.
6. I do a decent vocal imitation of Scotty and Bones and Chekov from Star Trek. Yeah, I'm a trekkie.
7. Predict the future. I predict many who read this will think me full of it on that claim. Actually, I am quite seriously full of it, but also serious as to this claim~!

**= Actually, that wasn't me, but if you get the reference I respect and admire your commercial memory capacity.

Seven things I can't or won't do
1. Pretty much anything real or useful...I am a theory man. But put tools in my hand and I react with about as much grace as the ape who discovered a bone can be used as a club in the film '2001'.
2. Commit violence. I have dedicated myself to pacifism. Violence for any cause is the province of fools and idiots. Violence is proof of nothing more than failure, and in societies serves to demonstrate stagnation and downfall.
3. Drive in downtown Chicago during rush hour. I've made this mistake twice, but never again!
4. Swim, or even float for that matter. However, I sink brilliantly.
5. Actually, for a large enough fee I'd do quite a few different things MUAH HA HA.
6. Allow groups of women to cover themselves in baby oil and slide over my body. I just won't stand for it. Ladies, go ahead strip and oil up and see what happens. I dare you. Please?
7. Figure out a seventh thing.

Seven things I say the most

1. How bad is that?
2. F$&%, F*%&^, F($&. I like to swear.
3. mmm pizza.
4. Are you alright?
5. You know what your problem is?
6. I have to pee. (What? You wanted honesty here right?)
7. I love you.

Seven celebrity crushes (This one is hard for me, as I have revolving tastes, here are some I adore:)

1. Dorothy Lee.
2. Kate Beckinsale.
3. Diana Rigg.
4. Nina Van Pallandt.
5. Dagmara Dominczyk.
6. Kristina Wayborn.
7. YOU, the reader, because you would be hurt if I failed to mention you here somewhere, and also, I am a card carrying member of BLA*

*= Boot Lickers of America.

~~~~

1. What is your occupation?
Visionary.

2. What color is your underwear?
White, unless I have a laundry mishap and wash my undies with something red, as happened recently. The pinkish underwear while far from masculine were not at all unpleasant. And what freak dreamed up this question anyway?

3. What are you listening to right now?
The tv is on. The last music I listened to was Frank Sinatra.

4. What was the last thing you ate?
Four rolls, with butter (REAL butter, margarine is repulsive). Washed down with a lime pepsi.

5. Do you wish on stars?
I used to wish on a star, but Kate Beckinsale's attorney told me to 'cease and desist'.

6. If you were a crayon, what color?
Gray. But I'd rather be a sparrow than a crayon, yes I would, if I could, I surely would. Away, I'd rather sail away like a swan that's here and gone. A man gets tied up to the ground, he gives the world its saddest sound. Oh, no wait, that's a Simon and Garfunkle song...

7. How is the weather right now?
Very pleasant and well mannered, polite and soft spoken, a charming fellow is that Mr weather.

8. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
Technically the last person I spoke to was someone who had dialed the wrong number, triggering my cell, and waking me up. But my cellphone plays 'La Traviata' while ringing, so it was not a total loss.

9. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
Yes I do, very much so. Though, if I didn't like them it would be sort of unlikely they would have my email address and be messaging me. So, this is really a fairly pointless question is it not?

10. How old are you today?
Same age as yesterday, 36.

11. Favorite drink?
Coke and water. Two glasses, not together. And I always use a drinking straw with my fizzy drinks, one of those straws with the bendy necks. Pink underwear and sipping from straws, what a stud aye?

12. Favorite sport to watch?
Basketball, or women's beach volleyball, look the less said at this point the better.

13. Have you ever dyed your hair?
Nope. I don't even do anything with my hair. I cut it myself, keeping it at about a quarter inch to a half inch on the sides and back, and a little shaggier on top. I wash my hair, jump out of the shower, dry it for a minute with a towel, and that's all. I don't even own a comb.

14. Do you wear contacts or glasses?
Yes, glasses, which I need to see things at a distance. Sadly, my vision is so bad that 'a distance' is defined as anything more than 18 inches from my eyes lol.

15. Pets?
My spoiled baby doggie, Dusky. My silly ex-feral cat Midnight.

16. Favorite month?
April, October, or December. January has it's charms, as does November. September has a melancholy but hopeful mood. March is great, likewise July and August. June is sweet, May as well.

I guess that means February just sucks.

17. Favorite food?
PIZZA. Preferably with extra cheese and so much sauce it oozes out when you bite down.

18. What was the last movie you watched?
I can't remember...but I watched Knight Rider and Kojak earlier. What can I say, talking cars and Telly Savalas both rock. Imagine if Telly had morphed into a talking car. Madcap fun~!

19. Favorite day of the year?
April 16.

20. What do you do to vent anger?
I try very hard to never BE angry. To avoid being in that state in the first place I simply remove myself from agitations. If however, I find myself turning redder than I normally am, I concentrate deeply on simply 'letting it go'. I used to be a very angry person, and have been attempting for years to improve my character. After awhile it really starts to become habit to eliminate ugly emotions. Guess that's my Vulcan side rearing it's little pointy ears.

21. What was your favorite toy as a child?
Not sure I had ONE favorite that defined my entire childhood.

22. Fall or spring?
Spring, and Fall, oh man, I really see good in both...I would dislike having an entire SEASON that caused me grief or seemed less preferential.

23. Hugs or kisses?
I almost said something dirty here lol. Must resist temptation...

24. Cherry or Blueberry?
Cherry I suppose, but by no means said as a slight to blueberry.

25. Do you want your friends to email you back?
Each according to her/his desire...but, this is no longer an email and is now posted on myspace, so, email 'back' wouldn't really be possible. Maybe I should have just deleted this question but I'd hate to have to renumber everything that follows.

26. Who is most likely to respond?
The person with the most desire to do so, obviously.

27. Who is least likely to respond?
The layabouts, the scoundrels, the rogues, and the other assorted nuts and vagabonds.

28. Living arrangements?
You call this living?

29. When was the last time you cried?
Probably a month ago. Crying, drinking from a straw and wearing pink underwear, I'm just growing more manly by the moment...

30. What is on the floor of your closet?
Tile.

31. Who is the friend you have had the longest?
I don't actually keep my friends anymore, the basement dungeon was growing crowded.

32. What did you do last night?
Watched tv. Never said I was exciting.

34. What inspires you?
Pretty much everything. Usually, my best ideas come to me when I am waking up or making some smart ass comment. Go figure. And where did number 33 on this questionnaire go to????

35. What are you afraid of?
Fear is for the weak. Being weak, I fear spiders, thunderstorms, grubby people, and many more things. Crying, drinking from a straw, wearing pink underwear and now running from spiders...can you believe I'm still single? Ladies, try to contain yourselves.

36. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburger?
I don't eat meat. But I love cheese and spicy foods, and have been known to drink hot sauce straight out of the bottle.

37. Favorite car?
The Aston Martin DB5. That's the famous James Bond car first seen in Goldfinger. I'm not a car person at all (unless of course they talk, as I previously mentioned), but man the DB5 is wicked cool. "Man" and "wicked cool": golly gee, you just can't get slang this out of touch anymore.

38. Favorite dog breed?
Chihuahua~!!

39. Number of keys on your key ring?
One!

40. Favorite day of the week?
Tuesday or Sunday. Though, honestly, any day is a good day if you wish it to be.

41. How many states have you lived in?
Just the two, I was born in Joliet Illinois, lived in neighboring Romeoville for three years, then moved a few miles over to Bolingbrook where I lived for nearly a quarter century, then moved 500 miles to Springfield Missouri in 1998.

42. How many cities/towns have you lived in?
Oh well crap, I just answered all that above.
My Philosophy Now conviently listed under "Here's How I Describe Myself".
What Gives Me Hope Now conveniently listed under "Here's How I Describe Myself".
If I were Mayor, I'd make the world a better place by Now conveniently listed under "Here's How I Describe Myself".
What/who changed my life and why Now conveniently listed under "Here's How I Describe Myself".

Sensing a pattern at all are you?
What Bugs Me  
Passions  
Inspirations  
What Scares Me  
  Favorites
Role Models see elsewhere  
Quotation For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

John 3:16

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

Hebrews 11:1

In general its fashion I disdain. As Jughead Jones once said, I never worry about going OUT of style as I was never IN style.

A whiskery kiss
For the one
You adore
May not make her mad
But her face will be sore
Burma-Shave

Signs Your Neighbor is a Serial Killer (a condensed David Letterman top ten list):

1. Overheard muttering to himself, "Damn lying squirrels!".
2. Wonders if his front lawn landscaping would impress Jodie Foster.
3. Flashing neon sign on his roof reads DRIFTERS WELCOME.
4. Since he moved to town, the paper's obituary section has expanded to four pages.
5. Often selling Domino's Pizza uniforms at yard sales
6. Always says, "Let's see what else is on" whenever "America's Most Wanted" starts.
7. You feel perfectly happy after killing one person, but he insists on killing more.

"I've known days when I'd wake up and say 'be careful of the love that you find'. Why must I take it so hard? Other people get by with either bourbon or God..." Aimee Mann "Why Must I".

"My hearse will be followed not by mourning coaches but by herds of oxen, sheep, swine, flocks of poultry and a small traveling aquarium of live fish, all wearing white scarves in honor of the man who perished rather than eat his fellow creatures." George Bernard Shaw.

"I'm a superball. You can bounce me once and I'll ricochet around the room. If I pick up speed get out of my way, I'm a sonic boom. And I'll warn you now the velocity I'm gathering will knock you down, send the chairs and lamps all scattering." Aimee Mann, Superball.

"After the kicks, there's little old mixed up me, trying to lose a dream that used to be."

"All the love I could beg, steal, or borrow, can not heal all this pain in my soul. What is love but a prelude to sorrow, with a heartache ahead for your goal?" Blue Prelude

Roger Moore as the misogynistic "Ffolkes", explaining his hatred of women, mentions his childhood and casually throws off probably the single greatest underrated comic line of all time: "Both my parents died tragically in childbirth."

"That's a nice little nothing you're almost wearing." James Bond to a negligee clad beauty.

"Son of a gun" Joey Bishop

"When I was about 6 years old, my Momma took me on a trip to the city. We went to one of those big ole' department stores and I got lost. They tried to page her but the PA system was on the fritz, I never saw my Momma again. Some people from the cosmetics department fed me a bowl of soup and some bread. The days stretched into weeks. One February they got pretty jammed up during the semi annual Lincoln's birthday sale and they asked me to help out in pre-teen maternity. Then one day I overhead a conversation on personnel about them needing a new jingle for their radio ad, so I picked up my guitar and I wrote down a tune that had been mulling and creeping and crawling around in my head." Nick Rivers on his childhood, from the film 'Top Secret'.

"A town's a lonely town when you pass through and there is no one waiting there for you. You wander up and down, the crowds rush by, a million faces pass before your eyes. Still...it's a lonely town, unless there's love, a love that's shining like a harbor light." (Lonely Town). Frank Sinatra sang this song in such a mournful way it can break your heart listening to him.

"Once, once I loved. And I gave so much love to this love, you were the world to me. Once I cried at the thought I was foolish and proud and let you say goodbye. And then one day, from my infinite sadness you came and brought me love again. Now I know that no matter whatever befalls I'll never let you go, I will hold you close, make you stay. Because love is the saddest thing when it goes away." O Amor en Paz (Once I Loved). Jobim's melancholy masterpiece, another song Frank Sinatra sang better than anyone else.

"I'll never smile again, until I smile at you. I'll never laugh again, what good would it do? For tears would fill my eyes, my heart would realize that our romance is through. I'll never love again, I'm so in love with you. I'll never thrill again to somebody new. Within my heart I know I will never start to smile again, until I smile at you." (I'll Never Smile Again). Frank recorded this one several times, every version has it's own charms.

"I was born a baby in Denmark one year before my first birthday. We didn't have much money and so I was born at home, after my mother saw me she was taken to the hospital. At the age of four my parents wanted me to become a musician but they didn't know exactly what instrument they wanted me to play until one night my father popped me in the living room in front of the roaring fire, this made him very angry because we didn't have the fireplace." Victor Borge to Frank Sinatra on the radio show 'Command Performance'.

Oscar Wilde once said "We are all lying in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars".

"But you invite abuse Frank, it would be impolite to refuse" Hawkeye to Major Burns.

"Where are you? Why do you hide? Where is that moonlight trail that leads to your side?" (Shirley Bassey singing "Moonraker").

"A vegetarian is someone who does not eat meat, you insane bitch~!" Jane's psychologist explaining to her that one cannot be vegetarian and still 'suck a whole pig through a straw', in "Coupling".

"There was a boy, a very strange enchanted boy. They say he wondered very far, very far over land and sea. A little child and sad of eye but very wise was he. And then one day, a magic day he passed my way and while we spoke of many things, fools and kings, this he said to me: "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return". Nat King Cole singing the Eden Ahbaz classic "Nature Boy"

The wolf
Is shaved
So neat and trim
Red Riding Hood
Is chasing him
Burma-Shave

Oscar Madison confronting Felix Unger in 'The Odd Couple': "I can't take it anymore, Felix, I'm cracking up. Everything you do irritates me. And when you're not here, the things I know you're gonna do when you come in irritate me. You leave me little notes on my pillow. Told you 158 times I can't stand little notes on my pillow. "We're all out of cornflakes. F.U." Took me three hours to figure out F.U. was Felix Unger"

"Then what they called an 'industrial accident' crushed those it couldn't forgive. They brought Billy's father back home in an ambulance...brass watch, a cheque, maybe three weeks to live." Sting, 'Island Of Souls'.

"All I know is, on the day your plane was to leave, if I had the power, I would turn the winds around... I would roll in the fog... I would bring in storms... I would change the polarity of the earth so compasses couldn't work, so your plane couldn't take off." Steve Martin, "L.A. Story".

Ways to Add Excitement to a Long Car Trip (a condensed David Letterman top ten list):

7. Practice sudden bootlegger turns.
6. When traffic is light, drop pants around your ankles.
5. Have long conversations with imaginary friends after picking up hitchhikers.
4. Lean on horn and swerve as you approach stalled motorists.
3. Tune to static on radio and pretend you're the last person on Earth.
2. See how long you can drive with your eyes closed.
1. Talk guy behind counter at Stuckey's into leaving family and joining you.

"If I have to listen to you bitch, don't be surprised when I beat you to death with my shoe." from the film "My Fellow Americans".

"Ok, it's Monday morning, your name is ML Pogue. You live in Venice, that's Venice California, you have an office just off the boardwalk. You're a small time gumshoe...credit reports, insurance scams, that kind of stuff. Nothing you'd call...adventurous. Right now you're on vacation, temporarily, you're unable to take any cases due to illness. You have a dog, he has a depth perception problem." Dana Carvey as M.L. Pogue "Clean Slate"

"I saw a friend of mine, he said, 'you look different somehow'. I said, 'everybody's got to leave the darkness sometime!'" Sting, I'm So Happy I Can't Stop Crying.

"You've been living in the shadows so long that you close your eyes when the lights come on." Thompson Twins, "Strange Jane".

"I'm tired of the city, of smokestack and steel. I'm tired of the grind of the factory wheel. I'm spreading my wings and I'm ready to fly to the land of the wide open sky. I'm bound for texas land, to hear the moo and rattle of snakes and cattle. I'll save up my money and look for a wife, a wife who'll be true and a pal for life. I'll build her a home and a room for a child, with the roses around growing wild. I'll sing her a song at the end of the day, a song that will drive all our cares away. I'll sing of the prairie, the blue starry skies, and the stars shining bright in her eyes." Charlie Chaplin's comic western song, from 'The Pilgrim'.

"It's not that I'm frightened of being alone, it's just that I know what a burden this grief can be. Nobody wants to be happier more than me, nobody wants to be happier more than I do. But happiness, I must confess, I don't have." 'Til Tuesday, "Long Gone (Buddy)".

"Helloooo ball" Ed Norton to golfball.

"There's a new game we like to play you see, a game with added reality, you treat me like a dog get me down on my knees. It's a lot like life this play between the sheets, with you on top and me underneath. Forget all about equality, let's play master and servant." Depeche Mode, "Master And Servant".

"Away from the city that hurts and mocks, I'm standing alone by the desolate docks, in the still and the chill of the night. I see the horizon, the great unknown, my heart has an ache it's as heavy as stone. Will the dawn coming on make it light? I cover the waterfront, I'm watching the sea, for the one I love is coming back to me. I cover the waterfront in search of my love, and I'm covered by a deep blue sky above. Here am I patiently waiting hoping and longing, oh how I've yearned. Where are you? Are you forgetting? Do you remember, will you return?" One of the saddest songs ever written "I Cover The Waterfront", Mel Torme sang it best.

"Sheets of double glazing help to keep outside the night, only foreign city sirens can cut through. Nylon sheets and blankets help to minimize the cold, but they can't keep out the chilling sounds. Now I'm one with the living and I'm feeling just like I know what I gotta do, play the game of happiness and never let on that it only lives on in a song." Genesis, "Domino Part 1"

"You fill up my senses,
like a night in a forest,
like the mountains in springtime,
like a walk in the rain,
like a storm in the desert,
like a sleepy blue ocean,
you fill up my senses,
come fill me again.

Come let me love you,
let me give my life to you,
let me drown in your laughter,
let me die in your arms,
let me lay down beside you,
let me always be with you,
come let me love you,
come fill me again."
John Denver "Annie's Song", probably the greatest love song ever written.

"I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." Harry, "When Harry Met Sally".

"Down the way where the nights are gay and the sun shines daily on the mountaintop, I took a trip on a sailing ship and when I reached Jamaica I made a stop...but I'm sad to say, I'm on my way, won't be back for many a day. My heart is down, my head is turning around, I had to leave a little girl in Kingston town." Jamaica Farewell. (perhaps the finest calypso song ever).

Nostalgic flash for people who lived in Chicago and it's suburbs in the 1970's and 80's. Everyone else will be confuzzled by these two famous lines from local television commercials: "That old car is worth money, call Victory auto wreckers!" "Five eight eight, two three hundred, Empire!"

"Now that I have found you, in the coolth of your evening smile, the shade of your parasol, and your love flows through me. Though I drink at your pool...I burn for you, I burn for...
You and I are lovers. When night time folds around our bed, in peace we sleep entwined, and your love flows through me. Though an ocean soothes my head, I burn for you, I burn for you.
Stars will fall from dark skies, as ancient rocks are turning, quiet fills the room, and your love flows through me. Though I lie here so still, I burn for you, I burn for you..." The Police, "I Burn For You".

"Hopes and dreams are things that life can shatter, learn to lift your head and say it doesn't matter. Birdies sing in cages too, they know that's the thing to do. Little birds can do it, why can't you?" Al Jolson singing "Why Can't You"

"You know this fellow is many-sided, a tramp, a gentleman, a poet, a dreamer, a lonely fellow, always hopeful of romance and adventure. He would have you believe he is a scientist, a musician, a duke, a polo player. However, he is not above picking up cigarette butts or robbing a baby of its candy. And, of course, if the occasion warrants it, he will kick a lady in the rear—but only in extreme anger!" Charlie Chaplin describing his famous screen character 'The Little Tramp'.

"Well GOOO0LLY Sergeant Carter". Gomer Pyle to, well, Sgt. Carter

"It is good to love as many things as one can, for therein lies true strength, and those who love much, do much and accomplish much, and whatever is done with love is done well." Vincent van Gogh

"Let's have a black celebration tonight to celebrate the fact that we've seen the back of another black day. I look to you, how you carry on when all hope is gone. Can't you see? Your optimistic eyes seem like paradise to someone like me. I want to take you in my arms, forgetting all I couldn't do today." Depeche Mode, "Black Celebration"

"Oh God it's raining but I'm not complaining, it's filling me up with new life. The Stars in the sky bring tears to my eyes, they're lighting my way tonight. And I haven't felt so alive in years!
Just for a day on a day like today I'll get away from this constant debauchery. The wind in my hair makes me so aware how good it is to live tonight. And I haven't felt so alive in years. The moon is shining in the sky, reminding me of so many other nights, but they're not like tonight!
Oh God it's raining and I'm not containing my pleasure at being so wet. Here on my own, all on my own, how good it feels to be alone tonight. And I haven't felt so alive in years. The moon is shining in the sky, reminding me of so many other nights, when my eyes have been so red I've been mistaken for dead. But not tonight."
Depeche Mode, "But Not Tonight". This song ends their pessimistic and overwhelmingly bleak 'Black Celebration' album, showing that all things have hope, if you wait long enough.

"All alone I sit and dream of someone, someone that I hold as my ideal. Hoping that someday I'll find that someone, wondering what the future will reveal. For some girls are quickly forgotten, and gone with the dawn of the day. But some you remember like the last glowing ember, haunting your memory and dreams. For I'm just a vagabond lover, in search of a sweetheart it seems, and I know that someday I'll discover her, the girl of my vagabond dreams." Rudy Vallee sang this song 'The Vagabond Lover' in 1929. In many ways it has become my personal viewpoint on love.

Tony Francis, lounge singer, explains his relationship to his employer: "I never even met the guy! He watches my show from up in his penthouse, he sends down these messages, 'your jokes suck, you walk like a peacock, sing feelings for me'." From the film 'The Adventures Of Pluto Nash'.

"Sometimes people who are never alone are the loneliest. Most lonely people try to figure it out...about loneliness" Ida Lupino as Mary, in "On Dangerous Ground".

"and two white birds clinging like foam to the crest of a wave rolling by..." (Nina and Frederik singing "Listen To The Ocean").

"You drift through the years and life seems tame, til' one dream appears and love is its name" (Nancy Sinatra singing the James Bond title song "You Only Live Twice").

Imagine a scene from the Charlie Chaplin film "The Gold Rush". Chaplin's character falls asleep, dreaming of the dance hall girl (Georgia) he has fallen in love with. And in his dreams, romance and charm are his, he entertains Georgia and her friends in a small Alaskan cabin, then he spears two rolls with his dinner forks, and maneuvers them as if they were feet. Chaplin narrates: "And there was Georgia caressing him with her smiles and tender glances. And the girls called for a speech, but he was too happy to speak. All that mattered was Georgia was there, Georgia! So he muttered and stuttered and finally said 'I can't make a speech, but I'll do a dance...' And a dance he did, with the rolls...".

"Silent golden movies, talkies, technicolour, long ago. My younger ways stand clearer, clearer than my footprints. Stardom greats I've followed closely, closer than the nearest heartbeat, longer than expected, they were great. Oh love oh love, just to see them acting on the silver screen, oh my. Clark Gable, Fairbanks, Maureen O'Sullivan...Fantasy would fill my life and I love fantasy so much. Did you see in the morning light, I really talked, yes I did, to Gods early dawning light. And I was privileged to be as I am to this day, to be with you...to be with you." The Friends Of Mr. Cairo (Jon and Vangelis).

She put
A bullet
Thru his hat
But he's had
Closer shaves than that
Burma-Shave

How bad is that~!?

Kilroy was here.

~~~~

The quotes are over...but the profile isn't...are you defeated yet or still reading?

Did you seriously just read this whole profile? You must be more bored than I am. But thank you for taking the time :0)

PS, did you wonder what the 'special prize' for reading my profile was? Well, its always special getting to know someone better isn't it?

~~~~~~~~

Pop Quiz: Did you pay attention to this profile?
Questions:
1. Where does Fatso like to whack you?
2. What did all the hitch hikers (save one) have in common?
3. Hausfrau and innocuous are what to me?
4. Who said "That's a nice little nothing you're almost wearing"?
5. What is my favorite song?
6. I am what fraction Danish: __a. 1/4 __b. 1/16 __c. 1/8 __d. All of the Above.
7. What is my astrological sign?
8. In the sentence: "We're all out of cornflakes. F.U." what does FU stand for?
9. What should you do every time I mention Frank Sinatra?
10. Aimee Mann was associated with what band?
11. Complete this sentence: "Wait, did you mean the ______ wire?"
12. Whose dog has a depth perception problem?
13. I have a huge crush on "..." (Hint: 'Sixteen Going on Seventeen').
14. Who was born in Denmark a year before his first birthday?
15. If two people leave Chicago at 3:14PM traveling southeast at 33.7 miles per hour, do you really care when they will arrive at wherever they are going?
16. My childhood hero was?
17. Where is a good place to drive an Aston Martin DB-5?
18. My favorite female figure skater and my favorite ice dance team are?
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