Fibromyalgia is a whole body group of symptoms of pain, brain fogginess, irritable bowel, urinary symptoms, insomnia,depression, flu-like feeling and extreme tiredness. The financial cost as high as obvious. Numerous doctor appointments, medications, therapies. But that is not the topic of my writing I am here today to express my personal losses. Not just "my" personal losses, but every person with fibromyalgia, every productive, fun loving individual that has been diagnosed with this. Our losses are tremendous. In 1983 I graduated from nursing school. At that time fibromyalgia was something that was used in place of "it's a virus". It was a nothing diagnosis. So when my own doctor told me I had it in 2005, I was furious. I knew I had something wrong with me, I hurt all the time and a bad, unrelieved pain. By this point is my unrelenting illness I have already lost. My apartment was gone and my furniture in storage. My daughter and I moved with my mother. I had not relied on anyone to take care of me since 1994, when I had an unplanned c-section. I was the caregiver, the nurse, the nurturer. The flu hit me, it wasn't flu season and I had a flu shot anyway. My body was aching so bad and no fever. My doctor told me "Melanie, I told you that you have fibromyalgia" My feelings were hurt. My long standing physician thought I was making this up, that it was all in my head. I went home and looked up fibromyalgia on the computer. Spelled out in front of me was my illness. It was real. Time passed and the pain continued. I was losing me. I was a nurse, a homemaker, head of household. Now I am a person in pain and my depression grew worse. I have been battling depression for over 10 years in 2005 and this just worsened it. I had no job, my car got repossessed, I lived with my mother. My daughter had lost her once active mother. I was taking a medium strong opiate for the pain with very little relief, my doctor sent me to a pain management specialist. Methadone was prescribed eventually after a trial of other medicines. It helps relieve the pain but it is still there. My days and nights have been mixed up many years, I have treated insomnia with over the counter medications for a long time. Now that I am thinking, maybe I have had this fibro for a long time, that the pain just became too much. My rocky relationship with my boyfriend went completely under. Now that I see, it was a good thing. The losses I have experienced have trickeled out to other family members. My sister is mad at my mother because I am here. My daughter has severe adjustment and opposition issues. Even my brother became distant to all of us for a while. I don't ever expect to regain the losses I have experienced, but I have learned to live with them. My daughter needs me. My mother needs me. I cannot change this illness, just the way I deal with the "changes".