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People > Photos > Gallery: Ari Kolman > Album: Arishmary 2009 > My Mom used to Think of Me with every flower she looked at..
My Mom used to Think of Me with every flower she looked at..

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Date: 05/16/09

Tags:

Ari arishmary coming dad family father feminine flowers gay girly grief grieving homosexual jewish kolman love mom mother out siblings son stories

After meeting Ed, My Mom and I talked a lot and became the closest of friends, and the closest from all the siblings.. My relationship with her was more caring, more considerate, and more loving then any of my siblings ever could be with her. She tried and she tried and never gave up trying, yet they rejected and neglected and never gave up narcissism, selfishness & deceit. I visited her when ever I could; to stay the weekend; to continue cutting and styling her hair, and to remain the closest by sitting with her for hours talking.. She would watch TV with me, Cook for me, give presents to me, share stories and personal secrets with me, and express how she was really really feeling about - everyone with me.. When I would call her on the phone from here after sending her flowers for mothers day; or after visiting with flowers for her, or when she was in the backyard planting, enjoying and watching her flowers grow, she would always tell me that “each flowers reminded her of me”.. Isn’t that beautiful.. She was always like that with me, but after meeting Ed, it was expressed in outpours of emotion on a daily basis.. I miss her so much, but I’m not depressed anymore so I can write this without crying. We also used to cry together a lot, and as I would express to her how sorry I was for treating her badly many times before Ed came into my life and while growing up, she would always tell me it was okay and she knew I loved her… She would say that I was her, so how could I be mad at her? I had her face, her arms, her legs and her heart, and before she passed on, we shared so many days and nights of such bliss I never knew was possible between a mother and her son… I never told her (flat out before meeting Ed) that I was gay, but of course I and many other people believe she always knew in the back of her mind, but never wanted to talk about it… After I met Ed I had no reason to hide my girly-ness anymore, so my guards were down and I was honest 100% of the time, and she loved me even more… She and I were always people who appreciated and admired others who were honest and open all the time, but my siblings were never, and that was one thing she had to live with that I couldn’t stand. I don’t want to get depressed and upset here so I won’t talk about my siblings (the brothers and sisters that are still alive), but my Mom and I loved each other terribly, and when I look at this picture I imagine that it looks like she’s asking me a happy question, and I’m just smiling at her thinking about how much I love her. Then she would respond not; “why are you looking at me like that?”, but, “I know you love me Mumala..” I think I just may have had the Best Mother In The World.. She taught me so much, and made me almost exactly like her, and now I get it.. I understand it all. Everything that was confusing and upsetting from my parents while growing up, was meant to be, because now I can see.. I can see only because of my Love I hold for my parents today, my spiritual Love that guides me through “all the way“. There’s not much more to say, but I love living this way. I can see, beyond just me.. Muawww. xoxox

Recent comments

Loretta H.

happy flower child

As I read this story Ari, I cried and cried because it is such a beautiful story and in my mind I can picture all of it. I wish I could have shared this wonderful love with my own son, but perhaps it wasn't the right time then or the right words weren't spoken, I don't know. I will never know now. Now I have you in my life and I thank God for you and I want so badly to share life with you and hug you and cry with you and talk with you and enjoy all the beautiful things in this life that you enjoy. We have so much in common and I feel very close to you, like you are my own flesh and blood. You had such a beautiful Mother and I am so very sorry that she isn't here to enjoy you and your loving, giving, thoughtful, caring way and your endless love. You are a gentle giant in your own way. I pray that your special Mom would approve of me. I just love this picture so much, because you look so happy and fulfilled and look ready for anything.

July 2, 2009 09:05 AM

Loretta H.

happy flower child

July 2, 2009 09:03 AM

Loretta H.

happy flower child

As I read this story Ari, I cried and cried because it is such a beautiful story and in my mind I can picture all of it. I wish I could have shared this wonderful love with my own son, but perhaps it wasn't the right time then or the right words weren't spoken, I don't know. I will never know now. Now I have you in my life and I thank God for you and I want so badly to share life with you and hug you and cry with you and talk with you and enjoy all the beautiful things in this life that you enjoy. We have so much in common and I feel very close to you, like you are my own flesh and blood. You had such a beautiful Mother and I am so very sorry that she isn't here to enjoy you and your loving, giving, thoughtful, caring way and your endless love. You are a gentle giant in your own way. I pray that your special Mom would approve of me. I just love this picture so uch, because you look so happy and fulfilled and look ready for anything. I love flowers...

July 2, 2009 09:00 AM