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My single friend, Dave, & I were chatting about his most recent date experience. He felt absolutely no chemistry with the girl he was on the date with & he realized something interesting.
Dave said that when he is really attracted to someone, then he begins to get nervous, becomes self conscious, worried that she won't like him, concerned about being accepted, attractive, etc.
On the other hand, when he meets a gal who he isn't interested in, he is completely free to be himself, talk about anything that comes to mind, express himself in an uncensored fashion, not being at least concerned about the outcome of the meeting.
I can honestly say I have noticed a similar pattern with myself. Which makes me wonder, why are we free to be our real selves when we have no attachment to the outcome & if we have an attachment to the outcome (like wanting a relationship with the person) why do we feel the desire to try to fit into the mold of what others want; even if it means sacrificing who we are?
Of course, being real & showing all aspects of ourselves simultaneously when we are becoming acquainted with someone may not be the best avenue to take. I mean, as Dave said it, if you were selling your house, you certainly wouldn't bring people in & show them all the broken things first & then expect people to stick around to see the good things, right?
So, how do we find that balance between being real & over exposing ourselves to new people?
When I'm on the personals, reading the profiles, rarely do I find someone who says, "I am bipolar" or "I have a personality disorder" - but I have actually come across profiles that have said exactly that. Yes, these people are being real & honest, but most people would run from their profiles, unless they were mental health professionals looking for new clients.
Why does it seem easier to be 'real' with friends & not lovers? Why can we tolerate vices in our friends that drive us mad in a romantic relationship? Are we expecting more from someone else than we, ourselves, provide; or do we take whomever comes along because our standards are not high enough?
It makes sense that it takes time to get to know someone, even if we've felt we've known them for 1000 years the first moment we met. After all, getting to know someone on a deep, intimate level includes knowing about their strengths & weaknesses; good & bad experiences; joys & sorrows; and about their mental, emotional & spiritual state of being, including patterns, blockages & karmic relationships.
I think being real means having the courage & ability to be honest about yourself with someone else, regardless of the outcome. Sure, we don't always want to spill our deep, dark secrets or fears until we feel comfortable & safe enough with someone. But we don't necessarily feel the need to hide, either.
If we are hiding aspects of ourselves that are important to us, hoping that once someone knows us well enough, they will understand or accept us anyway - we aren't necessarily doing ourselves (or them) a favor. If you are totally anti-violence & the other person reenacts wars for fun, you might not want to try to convert them to your passivism just as you wouldn't necessarily want to convert to their sporting conquests.
I suppose we all hope on some level to be able to improve & better ourselves & others through influence; but it is important for us to recognize our motivation. Are we hoping someone else will change so we can be more compatible? Are we trying to change ourselves so we can be accepted? If so, we need to ask ourselves, are we really being honest with ourselves & honoring our needs & desires?
Being real means being real enough with ourselves to know when someone is better off with another person, no matter how much we may desire them. Being real means loving ourselves enough to express ourselves in a fashion that is true to our nature, whether or not it scares someone away.
So what did Dave do on his date? He didn't want to hurt the girls feelings, so he offered to exchange numbers. She said she didn't sense any chemistry & he concurred. He was off the hook because both he & his date were real with each other.
Remember to be your-real-self. Eventually, you will find that it is one of the most liberating things you can do for yourself.
For real!
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Posted: Sunday June 4, 2006, 8:08 pm
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Chandra Z. (26) |
Friday December 1, 2006, 12:02 am
I have also noticed that when I am attracted to someone I am very nervous because I care too much about what the other person thinks of me but when there is no attraction I feel free to completely be myself. I made the mistake once of thinking that because I felt so comfortable around someone it must be meant to be and ended up engaged...and then later ended it when I realized that me and the man could never be anything but friends because there was no attraction there.
Interesting topic.
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