The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not mean it becomes your food and dish, nor do I find that esthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway and/or hallway is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch forever to ensure your comfort.
Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm and disrespect.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or stick your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is: Kiss me, then go smell the other end of the dog or cat, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on
our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Always Complain About the Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture).
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and does not speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they: eat less, don't ask for money all the time, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-users, don't smoke or drink, don't wear your clothes, don't have to wear the latest fashions, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell their children!