She was happy (Janet)

Janet still likes to leave me numerous messages at night on my cell phone.   I have to put her ring on silent because of her compulsive need to leave long meandering messages.  I really don’t mind, since I can control how her calls would interfere with my sleep.  Her sleep cycle is opposite of most peoples.  She gets up late afternoon and goes to sleep about four or five in the morning.  She takes some heavy medications that really knock her out.

For the last couple of days she has been hinting that it is her birthday, something obviously very important to her.  Good that she did, for birthdays and anniversaries, even my own, are not given much attention by me.  So I took the hint and called her up, in order to make a time in which I could take her out to supper, on her birthday.  She is now 70, though she likes to say it is her 59^th.  Actually she could pass for that age, so I play along with the joke.  So the time was for an early supper and I would pick her up at four PM. 

She knows how punctual I am, so about thirty seconds after I pulled up to the parking space she looked out her window from her motel room.  She came right out and off we went.  On the way she gave me a simple gift, some tea, of which I was thankful, I have always loved tea.  She likes ‘Folks”, once called ‘Poor Folks” so we went there.  It is a nice place and at that time of the day it is almost always empty; I don’t like crowds all that much.  She was in a very good mood which was nice, for she often obsessive’s over just about everything. 

One reason she was so happy, was that her boy friend of many years, called her at midnight and sang her the ‘happy birthday song’.  It really made her day and again it was good to see her happy and laughing.  She also showed me some pictures of her daughter and granddaughter, of which she is estranged.  She really has no idea why and it pains her, but she was happy to have the pictures.  As she was talking, I tried to remain present to everything she was saying, for she is mostly alone in her small motel room and even though she spends a great deal of time on the phone, she seldom really sees anyone.  So I had to remind myself that this going out for a simple meal is a very big thing for her.

She is such an intelligent woman and she often talks about her time in college.  It was obviously a very good time for her.   When she relates about the events that happen to her while at school, I could see her actually looking younger as she talked.  She only wants to be liked and respected and not looked down on because of where she lives and also because of her mental difficulties.  She tries so hard and that can be overlooked if she is labeled and categorized and put on a shelf.  We are all more than our ‘labels’ and this comes to the fore when we feel loved, accepted and listened to.

She is very outgoing and people respond to her.  Though her habit of asking any ones opinion on just about everything can be a little tiring at times, and we sometimes talk about that.  She will at times ask my opinion on a problem she is having and I will respond in a way that will encourage her to make up her own mind.  In reality she is smarter than me, was a great teacher, she just does not trust herself enough.  I have come to accept the fact that she will never be able to do that.

Sometimes becoming angry or impatient with someone is a good thing; in fact it can actually help in communication.  At other times though it can be an escape, so as not to enter another’s world of pain and isolation, for I know that I do it at times.  Sometimes when I look at Janet, and think about her life, the isolation and loneliness, it can cause some pain, it is then that I understand that my anger at her (in the past) was a way of protecting myself from her situation.  I don’t think that is always a good thing, for something has to be done to the heart in order to do that.  A certain kind of contempt has to be allowed to grow that can become a poison and can spread to other relationships as well.  Perhaps, because I am working at my boundaries with her, is the reason that I can now allow myself to feel some of the pain that must at times fill her life.  Though, again, if my boundaries where not in place I might not be able to do that.  For some reactions are in reality self protection, even if they are not always the healthiest way to deal with the problem.  Of course I may in the future allow my boundaries to blur, yet again, and anger may again come up.  Hopefully I will have enough sense to see what is happening and work on this issue yet again.  I guess it will always be something I will need to consciously work on, and that is fine.  For it is not Janet’s fault if I don’t keep a healthy understanding of my own limitations and also hers, it would go against justice to blame her for my failures to take proper care of myself.

So she had a good day and I was happy for her.  She also left me three messages thanking me.  Thank God for the silent feature on each persons ring tones.