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Going nowhere
Oct 19, 2009

"Hair Raising Experience" Print

Going nowhere

I feel so scattered at times, my energy jumping with no where to go.  I am centered (well partially) though not grounded.  It is as if I am watching some hyper child running around in circles not quite knowing what to do with him.  So here I am with a large cup of hot chocolate (dark), on this cold November early morning trying to become more focused, hoping it will give a channel to my hyper-ness.  I don’t mind being the way I am, or the way I learn and slowly, as I age, my ability to discipline this energy is (at a snail's pace) getting better.  I will probably be dead ten years before I really get it right.

I gave a talk this weekend on anger, resentment and forgiveness.  Doing this helps me to express some of the inward energy that is seeking some form of expression, yet creativity also produces more energy, which is both good and healing and also part of the problem.    The more you stir and use the more you got.  Well it is better than being inwardly mute and unfeeling.  I know I am not unique in this, I suppose for most it is a balancing act trying to stay grounded and present and yes sane.

I am not a linear thinker by any means.  Some of my friends have mentioned that being with me is like listening to a stream of consciousness monologue; which I feel is true much of the time.  Perhaps that I why I write, to at least attempt to make some sense of the constant stream of thoughts, ideas and pictures that pass by in unending succession in my own private theater.  The only thing that is missing is popcorn, but I am working on that..  

Oh yes, and the inner voices. My inner village of different complexes, which want my attention all at the same time;  is it any wonder that I use my prayer rope so often to simply calm all of this babel down?   I don’t drown in it (thank God) for I seem to have an inner observer watching all of this with varying degrees of amusement and annoyance.   Add to that my 3D imagination; well the inner pull can be strong.  Sometimes I think it is the world about me that becomes less real than all the ‘stuff’ that is happening within most of the time.   Of course how I perceive the world and how I sometimes react, is based on interpretations that flow from my inner experiences that that are rooted in the past.  I have to fight hard to be nominally rational.  Again, not unique in this, we are a deep, complex and troubled species, at least I think so.  For all I can do is go by my own limited experience.

Of course apart from my prayer rope which centers me, I also meditate, have done so for years and it is always a great relief to allow my mind to slow down and simply not chatter away like a troop of monkeys on crack.  Music helps also, though I am not one to spend a great deal of time listening, I am a book person.  However when driving in areas that I am acquainted with, listening to music is also very helpful.  The mind slows down and my heart opens up in ways that are almost mystical.  Kind of like an on and off switch to a part of me that is truly wondrous for me to experience and lessening my neurotic self a bit all by simply putting on some music.  The inner savage beast tamed for a short time.  I wonder what our highways would be like if not for music that people can listen to while driving.

In any case I am glad the way I am, well at least most of the time.  I can see myself at 90 still being hyper, overly curious and hopefully writing.  I can’t believe that for the first fifty years of my life I actually hated writing, now as a good friend once told me, “it seems that now you have to write and share every thought that goes on in you head”.  I laughed at this, for the stream of consciousness taking (some call it babel) is just transferred to my writing, which does go on and on.  Sending seems to be a need for now, wish it was not, but to write and not send seems to be a still birth of some kind for me.  I don’t expect others to read my long ‘stuff’.   It is just in the sending that I find helpful. 

So now I feel calmer, good to get in out in front of me so I can look at it.  If anyone has gotten this far, well thanks for joining me for my ramble about nothing that goes nowhere fast. 
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Posted: Monday October 19, 2009, 5:00 am
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Mark Dohle
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male, age 61, single
Augusta, GA, USA
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