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More about friendship
Aug 28, 2006

I?ve been continuing to delve into what I consider the core of friendship since I wrote my last blog entry (the one called ?Are you my friend??). I appreciate the people I know (or am getting to know) who have helped me with that and the authors who have written things I?ve found valuable.



Here are 10 more characteristics of what I mean by friendship, stated as how I intend to act with friends:



1. I do my best not to have too many standards for my friends to live up to. Any of you who is my friend is my friend no matter what ? even if you don?t consider me to be your friend ? except in the most unusual of cases. For example, I rarely hear anything from some of the people I consider my closest friends ? and I haven?t since I left the Seattle area. Nevertheless, I trust that when I visit wherever they are, we will still be close. I?ll remember to write soon about what my boundaries are ? what would lead me to choose to let go of a friendship.



2. I do my best to give my friends the benefit of the doubt. If, for example, I don?t hear from someone for a long time, I assume there must be a good reason for that from their point of view. And I do my best not to take it personally. If, for another example, a friend snaps at me (or does anything else occasionally that?s a way I don?t appreciate being treated), I do my best to wonder what?s going on with her/him and to be supportive instead of judging him/her for it or taking it personally.



3. Relevant to the example in #1, I will continue to be a friend to my friends even through times of separation. In one case a friend and I went a number of years without contact of any kind. I considered that person to be my friend all through our time of separation. Then we got in touch and picked up our friendship as if there had been no lapse in our contact.



4. I do my best to accept my friends as they are and not to demand that they change to suit me. I have friends of different religions, different political persuasions, and other different (than mine) ways of thinking. I have friends who choose different ways of being in the world than I do. I have friends who don?t give me the attention I wish they would. And I have friends who act in many other ways that I would prefer be other than they are. None of that matters. They?re still my friends. I appreciate about them whatever I possibly can and accept the rest. (Of course, there are limits to what people can do without my letting go of the friendship. As I said, I?ll write soon about my boundaries. As a preview, though, they?re all pretty serious things ? things like intentionally hurting people and being a racist.)



5. I want to emphasize one of the things that I mentioned in the previous item. One friend suggested that she believes that friendship needs to be mutual, if not equal. I don?t share that belief. I have friends who don?t consider me to be their friend and who don?t act in any way that I would consider friendly (though I don?t mean they act in unfriendly ways, either). Nevertheless, they are my friends, and I will be there for them if it?s ever needed. I continue to communicate with them as I would with any friend who reciprocates. If they ask me to stop communicating, I do, but I still hold them in my heart. If they ever change their minds and want to be closer again, I?ll celebrate that.



6. If I prefer that a friend changes in any way, I do my best to make a request rather than a demand. (Requests are questions and will take no for an answer; demands are, well, demands and won?t take no for an answer.) I also don?t just assume that they?ll know that they ?should? change. For example, if I want a friend to call me because I?ve been making all the calls, I?ll ask her/him to call me next time. I won?t demand that he/she calls me, and I won?t assume that any real friend would know that she/he ?should? make the next call.



7. I never make threats to terminate a relationship unless I?ve requested changes, I?ve communicated with the friend about the issue quite a bit (whether she/he will communicate about it or not), it?s a violation of a boundary, and I?m very serious about it. Once again, look forward to my post about boundaries. However, I may back off on how close I am with a particular friend in less serious cases. In those cases, I?m still open to becoming closer again if things change in a way that works for both of us.



8. I do my best to never use any of what John Gottman, Ph.D., calls ?the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse? (behaviors that predict failure of a relationship when used consistently) and certainly not to use them more than occasionally. They are criticism (attacking a person as opposed to complaining about a behavior), contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (refusing to communicate or avoiding communicating).



9. I do my best not to project onto my friends. In other words, I do my best not to imagine or assume anything about them or to think I know what?s right for them. Instead, I ask them.



10. I do my best not to make agreements I don?t fully intend to keep and to keep agreements once I?ve made them. If I can?t keep an agreement, I do my best to acknowledge it and renegotiate as quickly as possible. This refers to agreements I?ve actually made, not to assumed agreements. I don?t make agreements without clearly stating them as agreements.



I?ve stated a lot of these as ?I do my best to? because I admit that occasionally I go unconscious (I don?t mean ?pass out?) and violate them. However, it?s my intention to do them whenever I?m able to be aware enough to do them. I?m not perfect yet and may never be.



I also acknowledge that I don?t always meet all the criteria of friendship I listed in my previous post on friendship with all of my friends. In fact, I don?t meet all of them with anyone all the time. I didn?t mean them as ways to judge myself or anyone else.



This could end up being a series that goes on for a very long time. I think I have a lot to write about friendship. It?s an important issue for me and one I?ve experienced a lot of frustration and disappointment with through my life. I?m also very aware that it?s an area in which I want to make some changes. More about that later.



Namaste,

Michael

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Posted: Monday August 28, 2006, 8:40 pm
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Michael Dickerson Deluno
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female , divorced
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