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Substratum
Aug 28, 2006

I?ve developed a new field of investigation: psycho-archaeology. We who are psycho-archaeologists do archaeological digs into the depths of our consciousness.



I recently began doing a major dig into whatever is going on with me with relationships. My first publication of the results was my treatise to A about what I did to sabotage my relationship with her.



Simultaneously I was doing another large dig into those pits of depression I?ve been falling into off and on much of my life.



And guess what. I found that just a few layers down, there was the same substratum that underlay both issues. In fact, I?ve discovered that that substratum underlies every problem, every issue, every struggle, every frustration I?ve ever had in life.



OK, I know, I?ve slipped from archaeological metaphor into geological metaphor. So, I?m not perfect. Drop me a letter grade on my essay if you want. Though it feels more like a master?s thesis right now. I?ve been trying to write this for days, and it keeps getting deeper and more complex every time I think about it.



Anyway, what I?ve found and experienced is that the substratum that underlies all painful issues in my life is resistance to feeling fear, emptiness, and loneliness (as shorthand, I?ll refer to them from now on as f/e/l) and a huge cache of those feelings sitting there inside me, waiting to be restimulated. I now understand that EVERYTHING else that hasn?t worked in my relationships and in the rest of my life has been a consequence of my trying to protect myself from feeling overwhelmed by f/e/l. Sometimes, much to my consternation, what I?ve done to protect myself from those feelings has actually fed them and increased them, the opposite of what I wanted.



I acknowledge that I am responsible for having those feelings inside. I wasn?t responsible for the conditions and events that instilled them in the first place (when I was a child), but I am responsible for not having done since then what it takes to heal them and not be so influenced by them. Consequently, I?m also responsible for the negative effects they?ve had on much of my life, including probably all of my romantic relationships.



I?ve come to realize that there are 2 problems at the root of why f/e/l have run my life so much:

I don?t have enough people in my life who love me unconditionally so that I can fill myself up with love instead of f/e/l. (See Greg Baer, Real Love) I believe this is a temporary solution, but one that will work if I keep those people around so I can re-fill whenever needed.

I haven?t done the work to develop a strong and effective enough inner loving adult who will take care of my wounded inner child and who can bring through God?s love to me so that I don?t need to get it from the outside. (See Margaret Paul, Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by God?) I believe this is the long-term, ultimate solution.



Because I need to do this spiritual healing work, I have repeatedly attracted people and situations into my life that have called me to do the healing by reminding me of the wounds (of the f/e/l). I also believe that my spiritual guides and teachers have cooperated in this by helping to set my life up so that I?d have to learn what I?ve needed to learn. So, as results of my f/e/l and my attempts to protect myself from them, I?ve consistently repeated some patterns of thinking and behaving that have sabotaged many aspects of my life. Among them have been attempting to control, hanging on tightly to what didn?t work for me, withholding (not being open), blaming, acting like a victim, and avoiding (what Greg Baer calls running and some others call hiding).



One manifestation of the avoiding I?ve done is that I?ve run away from relationships (all kinds of them, not just romantic ones) because getting involved has brought up the fear of getting hurt. Part of that avoiding has been sabotaging relationships I did start. It seems that I?ve preferred to run from relationships than to be hurt by them. Yes, that?s true in at least many cases. As soon as it looks to me like I may be rejected (thus bringing up f/e/l), I start to run away (thus causing myself f/e/l). Apparently being in charge of it seems like a better option than being a victim of it. So, I avoid what I want most ? loving relationships.



Sometimes I feel like the guy who bought a dog and named her Go Away. Then he?d call to her: ?Come here, Go Away.? (Thanks to Trish for this joke.)



I?ve also discovered a wide variety of other ?creative? ways that I?ve avoided feeling f/e/l. One of them is by becoming depressed. As you probably know, I?ve been paying close attention to the dynamics of the depression I experience. I?ve concluded that, at least in part, it?s a way of protecting myself against f/e/l, which feels much worse to me than depression does. F/e/l begins to come up, and I?ve protected myself from it by depressing myself. It?s also a form of being a victim. If I?m depressed, then I?ve believed that I have a ?good? reason for not doing whatever I fear. So, I don?t think that any of the other explanations for depression are relevant. I think I?ve just been avoiding f/e/l.



That?s exactly what Margie Paul (Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by God?) suggests about depression. It?s a consequence of trying to protect myself from feelings rather than having the intention to learn about loving when the feelings arise. Margie says it will turn out differently, that I won?t fall into depression if I?ll choose differently, if I?ll choose the path of learning about loving when those feelings arise.



Is it really this simple? (Not easy ? simple.) It may be. I?m willing to find out. I?m choosing to believe that it is.



I have to admit that knowing this and remembering it when I begin to get depressed really does spoil a ?good? depression. Oh, well?.



So, I?m on my way. I have the foundation (the substratum) identified. Now I just need to stay conscious and to choose the other path, the path of learning to love myself, my feelings, and other people whenever f/e/l arise instead of choosing to protect myself.



Not easy, but simple.



Namaste,

Michael

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Posted: Monday August 28, 2006, 8:40 pm
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Michael Dickerson Deluno
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male , divorced
Santa Fe, NM, USA
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