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Oct 1, 2006

I feel so many emotions, for two things happened in my life in just one season...
my sweet cousin David McCrary, whom I forgot to mention among other contributions he has made in his time, served as Chief of Police where he lived in Tx., and later became Mayor...the townspeople actually requested him to run. He passed away September 4, 2006-and his 15 yr old son performed CPR until EMS arrived-pronouncing him DOA...his son tried and tried...and watched his father slip away, oddly passing with a smile on his dear face...he gave his life for his country, a victim of Agent Orange.
While he was alive, we talked about the passing of my father in 1996, 4 months after the passing of my mom. Everyone said it was a broken heart, which is sweet to say, but I knew more, since I am also in EMS, heard the call over the scanner while feeding my 1 month old son. I called my ex to hurry over, and I flew to my dad's house. Two nights before, he came over with a peculiar request-he asked me if I could get him Prozac. I felt uncomfortable as heck since he was not under a doctor's care for depression, but, well, it was my daddy. Now, just so happens, I had been taking the drug as I went thru a very painful divorce, but I had been given an entire prescription bottle containing 200 units @ 20 mgs each. I gave it to him, while begging him to seek help. The next day he called me, and said things he never said to me. He thanked me for spending so much time with him, especially after my mom passed-(yeah, I was there even before a call to 911 was put out-I actually did it. One of the squads I belonged to responded, and my mom was in septic shock no question. I actually was the one who transported her to the ER-I was numb. She passed before I returned from returning the ambulance.)  Anyway, after he said that he said, I love you so much, do you know that? Come by tomorrow to see me.
My father has always been the type that when you said I love you to him, he'd respond either "Awwwww" or "You too, kid".  He never really SAID straight up I love you, but he sure showed it. So, naturally, I was very put off by his statement...his health had been deteriorating for such a while, but he didn't talk about it-he devoted all he had to my mom.
Well, as I explained to David what my dad had felt like, symptoms he experienced, I knew it wasn't ulcers he was suffering from. David said, was your father in Vietnam? Ironically, my dad was co-founder of Sea Land, an international container shipping corp. He was requested by the Navy to build a port in Vietnam-and he went-the same time David was into his second tour. So, we began investigating his medical records-I never had before-I just couldn't. Lo & behold, my dad had cancer all those months, starting as prostate cancer. He never told anyone because he he didn't want to upset my mother. He was never treated, thus it spread like wildfire. Get this...Agent Orange exposure was suspected. Our family doctor was my dad's best friend, and apparantly covered up this mess-my dad was a self made millionare, listed in Who's Who in the USA twice, Who's Who in the World, and Who's who in Economics and Business or something like that. Can't remember the right title.So, he was a BIG somebody, and I believe someone went to great lengths to spare my father's dignity by not releasing information- (There was also no autopsy done for some reason). His death cert. just said heart failure-the general term when no autopsy is performed-it's the end all. Plus, the last doctor to ever see him was a cardiologist (who actually gave him a clean bill of health).
I decided to call my good friend, who just happened to be the responding police officer when the call was banged out for my dad-unconcious, unresponsive..i.e. dead. I asked to see the police report, and asked him questions again I couldn't face before-I never saw my father's body, even though I was in the house at the time.  Oh, forgot to say...the night we had that strange conversation was the last words he ever spoke to me. He was gone the next morning. Well, since this inquiry to my friend in the P.D. was 10 years later, he finally felt he could divulge info to me that he didn't tell my brothers, and even left out of the report since he knew there was to be no autopsy...they found a nearly empty prescription bottle under the bed, and my father apparently had vomited blood and some undigested capsules. He commited suicide with the meds I had given him.AND I KNEW BETTER ,DAMMIT!!!!!!  But he must have been in such terrible pain physically, mentally...all the kids were adults (however, my bros were both heroin addicts and I know that was tearing my father apart).
Small note-my bros also passed away 4 months apart in 1999. I am the lone survivor of my immediate family. My sister passed away in 1981 from an allergic reaction to cold medication-she had pneumonia.
Needless to say, this summer was mentally damaging, and exhausting.

I sure could use friends to keep me in check.
This shit is killing me slowly, I fear. No sibling lived past the age 35, except far.

Sorry for being such a downer-venting is necessary in order to heal.
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Posted: Sunday October 1, 2006, 11:17 pm
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Mia Ward
female, age 45, divorced, 2 children
Point Pleasant, NJ, USA
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