An elderly couple stood before the family court judge after a long divorce trial. The judge asked why they wanted a divorce after having been married for nearly 70 years. They answered: "We wanted to wait, till after the kids had died."

" If you were my husband I would poison your coffee. "
" If you were my wife I would drink it gladly. "

Do not steal ! -- The government abhors competition.

A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read: "Here lies John Smith, a lawyer and an honest man."
“Fancy that!” he exclaimed. "They’ve got three people buried in one grave here!"

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"

It's only ~99 percent of lawyers who give the rest a bad name.

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students: "The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory for the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
One student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows.

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three large, leathered bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over his plate, and then took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. Just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."

There are more important things than money, but they won’t date you if you don’t have any

Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, we don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

A Saudi Prince went to Germany to study.
A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying: "Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train."
Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a blanco-check saying: "Stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too!"

Treffen sich zwei Kriegsveteranen und reden über alte Zeiten.
"Ich habe damals in Polen einen Panzer mit meinem Säbel auseinandergenommen!",
sagt der eine.
"Das ist noch gar nichts",  meinte der andere, "ich habe mit einer Mistgabel
einen Flieger runtergeholt!".
"Waaas??",  sagt der erste, "vom Himmel???"
"Ne, von meiner Alten!"

SIGHHH.

htm got --and continues to get-- heavily messed up by care2 .... (htm-code for) thousands of unwanted emptylines inserted ! (like e.g. one per paragraph per save or such)  +  and what was down below, got 'lost'  .

05/2012:  after several days of down-time (with message "unavailable for 48 h") for care2-blog(-editing), this BUG is alive and kicking: c2-blogeditor adds (htm-code for) about two UNwanted extra empty lines for each [hr]  -- congratulatios to the responsible(s), precision work, well done !