It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy said, "But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held he package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "Surprise, SURPRISE! ... It's a puppy!"
There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Heaven is a place where the police are English; the chefs are Italian; the car mechanics are German; the lovers are French and it's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is a place where the police are German; the chefs are English; the car mechanics are French; the lovers are Swiss and it's all organized by the Italians.
RELIGION IS FOR PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE IN HEAVEN OR HELL
SPIRITUALITY IS FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN THERE
Judge: "Are you related to the defendant by birth or by marriage?"
Woman: "Yes, your honor. I have a son by him, and two daughters by the son."
Judge (taken aback): "Er. What??..."
Woman: "Well, you see, he's my stepfather."
"[P]eople laugh...because it hurts,.. because it's the only thing that'll make it stop hurting." -- Robert A. Heinlein, STRANGER IN A STRANGE LAND, 1961
"Earnestness never is as remote from us and our jokes as we'd like." -- Hermann Hesse, 1933 (my transl.)
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: A grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have, similar to my character lines.
The Old Man and the Sea
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.
"What? You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.
"Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook."
" Lady, this vacuum cleaner will cut your work in half. "
" Good. I’ll take two of them. "
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL
IN TWENTY EASY STEPS
"Do you hate people?"
"I don't hate them...I just feel better when they're not around."
-- Charles Bukowski (1920-1994), Barfly
In einer Bank werden 5 Kannibalen als Programmierer angestellt. Bei der Begrüßung der Kannibalen sagt der CEO: "Ihr könnt jetzt hier arbeiten, verdient gutes Geld und könnt zum Essen in unsere Kantine gehen. Also lasst die anderen Mitarbeiter in Ruhe."
Die Kannibalen geloben, keine Kollegen zu belästigen.
Nach vier Wochen kommt der CEO wieder und sagt: "Ihr arbeitet sehr gut. Allerdings fehlt uns eine Putzfrau, wisst Ihr was aus der geworden ist?"
Die Kannibalen antworten alle mit "nein" und schwören, mit der Sache nichts zu tun zu haben.
Als der CEO wieder weg ist, fragt der Boss der Kannibalen: "Wer von Euch Affen hat die Putzfrau gefressen?"
Meldet sich hinten der letzte ganz kleinlaut: "Das war ich."
Kannibalen-Boss, ärgerlich: "Du Idiot, jetzt ernähren wir uns seit vier Wochen ausschließlich von Teamleitern, Abteilungsleitern und Projekt-Managern, damit keiner etwas merkt, und Du Depp musst die Putzfrau fressen!"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer.. she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."
Government Philosophy: If it ain't broke, fix it 'till it is.
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He said: "Call for backup."
The economy is so bad that .. .. The Mafia is now laying off judges !
What do you call a KKK member? A moderate Republican.
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go! GO!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and they took off, a bit wobbly. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "What?" asked the pilot, "Why?" "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You-, you mean you're not the instructor?"
A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."
An evil Atheist explorer in the depths of the Amazon suddenly finds himself
surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!"
A ray of light shines down from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT
screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So, the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.
As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily, surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, God's voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."
He: "What could I give you for Christmas?"
She: "To be honest, what I would like most is a divorce."
He: "To be honest, I wasn't planning to spend that much."
Two husbands were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, both admitted that there were arguments sometimes.
"I've made one great discovery. I know how to always have the last word." A said.
"Wow!" said B, "how did you manage that?"
"It's easy," replied A. "My last word is always 'Yes, Dear.'"
Wife: "There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don’t even know what a carburetor is. Where’s the car?"
Wife: "In the swimming pool."
An elderly couple stood before the family court judge after a long divorce trial. The judge asked why they wanted a divorce after having been married for nearly 70 years. They answered: "We wanted to wait, till after the kids had died."
" If you were my husband I would poison your coffee. "
" If you were my wife I would drink it gladly. "
Do not steal ! -- The government abhors competition.
A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read: "Here lies John Smith, a lawyer and an honest man."
“Fancy that!” he exclaimed. "They’ve got three people buried in one grave here!"
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"
It's only ~99 percent of lawyers who give the rest a bad name.
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students: "The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory for the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
One student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"
Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows.
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three large, leathered bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over his plate, and then took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. Just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."
There are more important things than money, but they won’t date you if you don’t have any
Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, we don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
A Saudi Prince went to Germany to study.
A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying: "Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train."
Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a blanco-check saying: "Stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too!"
Treffen sich zwei Kriegsveteranen und reden über alte Zeiten.
"Ich habe damals in Polen einen Panzer mit meinem Säbel auseinandergenommen!",
sagt der eine.
"Das ist noch gar nichts", meinte der andere, "ich habe mit einer Mistgabel
einen Flieger runtergeholt!".
"Waaas??", sagt der erste, "vom Himmel???"
"Ne, von meiner Alten!"
htm got --and continues to get-- heavily messed up by care2 .... (htm-code for) thousands of unwanted emptylines inserted ! (like e.g. one per paragraph per save or such) + and what was down below, got 'lost' .
05/2012: after several days of down-time (with message "unavailable for 48 h") for care2-blog(-editing), this BUG is alive and kicking: c2-blogeditor adds (at least) (htm-code for) two UNwanted extra empty lines for each [hr] -- congratulatios to the responsible(s), precision work, well done !
The (big) rest of this got lost .... unfortunately (my fault ?? may be; probably care2 'helped' (a lot))
Of some (little) of it I have a backup, which i'm trying to restore here ....
Q: How do the brain-cells of blondes die?
A: In solitude.
Q: What do you call a man who just lost his brain?
Q: What's a blonde with 2 (two) brain-cells?
CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Q: what's 500 lawyers chained to the bottom of the sea?
Computers can never replace humans. They may become capable of artificial intelligence, but they will never master real stupidity.
there is (KHK's) 3 ways to ruin a cooperation completely:
1) women (the most exciting one)
2) gambling (the fastest one)
3) computers (the safest one)
A student burst into his professor’s office and says; "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me."
To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."
Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up. Afterwards, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.
One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captain’s quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, and opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper; two lines with two words each:
A Little PLANE FUN ...
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.
If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
American 1204: Approach, what's this aircraft doing at my altitude?
Tower: What makes you think it's YOUR altitude, Captain?
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7 Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern ... we've already notified our caterers."
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
Laughter is better than pills for whatever ails you.
-- J. Michael Straczynski, Babylon 5, #2.6
Right and Left
War does not determine who is right
- only who is left
A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary. The operator at the other end said "Are they in your house?" He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house. The operator said there were no cars available at that time. He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again. "I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!" Within seconds there were 3 police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene. After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, "I thought you said you had shot them all!" The man answered, "I thought you said there were no police available!"
All humor is gallows humor. ( Steppenwolf )
backup of some more of my favorite jokes
A(lawyers) A modest but promising start.