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Nov 1, 2010

I've always had a morbid interest in a child I wanted to die just to know what being dead felt like. The sweet nothingness of eternal sleep overjoyed my tormented mind as it does now still. Whenever my obsessive fears overwhelm me and my moods become especially bad...the only little hope and peace I have is NOT heaven or God (because God has so far prolonged my mental turmoil) but death...AH death is sure to come someday and only then will I feel nothing which is the one thing I desire more than riches, gold, world power and domination! What disturbs me now more than usuall however and haunts me whenever I tuck myself into bed for the night is the fact that I cannot escape God now (after I exist) there is NO escape no matter what I do; I cannot speed up dying by killing myself because I would have existed within this world at one time or another in God's eyes and he's unfortunately resurrect me in the end of time. I cannot just die of natural causes when I'm old and grey and remain in the grave forever because again God will arrive and I'll be resurrected which is something I wanted to avoid. In fact I wanted to avoid living, God, Heaven, everlasting life altogether and yet God in his almighty power took it upon himself to form my pathetic body and bring me into this world if I liked it or not! For that I am bitter and for that I will always look upon God and heaven with contempt because I NEVER asked to live in this world or the next and nor do I want to. Why would God just assume that I would...if he sees all he must have seen centuries before the choas circling within my mind and felt the hatred I sometimes have for him. If he saw all of that, what motive did he have to bring me into a life I never wanted and would detest him for? I've always had a problem with religion, with God, heaven, hell...the devil! All my life I was taught that God was the good guy, the devil the bad and if I do good deeds, think good thoughts and surpress every human emotion I have than someday this life shall pass and we'll all happily live in heaven forever and forever and forever! But what if I never wanted heaven? I never have wanted it, I somehow believed that is what good Christains strive to attain but I never wanted it for myself...and is it fair that I (an innocent babe at one time, aswell as everyone else) should be cast into a controversy which is between God and Satan? I never asked to be born in God's world and I never asked to be tempted or hunted by Satans evil power. I always felt that religion put me in an impossible position where I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and I am angry about it because I never asked nor wanted it. We're like playthings, God's experiment to who shall chose evil over what is decent and good; while I chose neither. I don't want all supernatural and divine beings leave me in peace, allow me to live my little miserable life you placed here and once I'm through living leave me as I am-DEAD! Because I do NOT want your heaven or your hell...I never wanted what you thrust me into and its selfish that you expect me to chose which path of life to lead and then chose where I am to go in the end of time! Now back to death, dying and non-existance. I remember a time when I did not exist; I knew of nothing, not of God, not of disease and suffering...not of anything and I consider that the happiest time of my life because it was when I became to exist that all my troubles began. You may think I sound spoiled but that would be thinking in a material sense...when I'm not speaking of such. My troubles have always been in my mind; no matter if I was rich or poor, in a castle or a dumpster simply existing in my mind is beyond torment! I do not like the feeling of existing, to feel my body, to think and to know is a torture I cannot describe and as a child I found that sensation a curiosity but I have come to hate it and wish it dead. I wish me dead aswell...if only just to cease that feeling of existing! I envy the dead so much...their silent graves, their no longer beating hearts...birds singing above them in the world they no longer dwell in. It must be so beautiful to return to that non-existing state from which they once came. I cannot wait to join them so I can share such a harmonic feeling which is something I have not known in life. This inability to escape God though keeps me up at night because he shall even deny me the grave, that peace I have lived to die for...he too will take away and cast me either to the flames of hell or an everlasting life. Honestly I don't know which is worse because to be in existence forevermore is a nightmare beyond description too me. I've waited too long to experience the nothingness of death, only for it to be taken from in by heaven! No. If hell awaits then at leased I will be assured that someday I will die and be gone forever! That the peace I longed for will come to pass.
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Posted: Monday November 1, 2010, 7:24 am
Tags: death life hell heaven god devil dying [add/edit tags]

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Robert Negut (1)
Friday February 3, 2012, 2:36 am
Hm, how inappropriate is it to say that this made me think of Kerghan's speech at the end of Arcanum?

On a more direct note, you list your religion as Druid but talk of Christianity. What gives?

And then... How can you be sure of what you say here? Is there any sort of real reason to believe in that sort of resurrection? Is there any practical reason to blame unknown and unproven supernatural beings for deciding to throw you into this world instead of, well, blaming your real and known parents for the proven decision to have you?

Just for starters...


Banbha M.
female, age 25, single
Bowmanville, ON, Canada
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