Sept 23, 2011 Childhood Sex. This is a subject that drags behind me like a ball and chain. Time has shown me. mostly through raising my children, that a child should not be lead to feel that they are to be blamed. Time has a way of playing tricks on your memory(s). The confusion that it has caused in my life, to have carried this secret, is worth looking back at.
My Mother raised us to believe that God punishes Sinners. Every Sunday, we drove to this little country church in the hills. There was Sunday School, Catachism, Baptism, Praying, marriage by a Minister. Shake the hand of the Minister after the service, standing at the door going out. Children were to be quite. Children that disobeyed had eye warnings from Dad. The one time that I did push too far..Dad took me out to the car...blank (I don't remember anymore what happened). Every Christmas Eve, Christ the baby was born. All the children of the congregation would practice Mary and Joseph riding a donkey to the ancient city. We were given parts to say in front of the congregation. I never was able to remember what was taught to me..so I must have looked like I was handicapped. The fear was so great to stand up an turn around and say what I was to say. Church was so very beautiful those times. I never was in church at night, so it had an atmosphere of darkness. There were Christmas Trees that were as big as the ceiling..pretty lights. The singing of the special Christmas Songs. Away in the manger. Joy to the world. Silent night...We would come home to presents under the tree. Santa did come.
As a christian you prayed for your sins. Confusion: A child that had sex with the neighbor boys was indeed a sinner. I could never be saved, I had done wrong. >>>My mother, forty some years later, on her death bed, tells me that I should be ashamned of myself. You will never know how much I am ashamned of myself.
Looking back, Danyse my child, who sucked her thumb, had a blanket that had a special corner, showed me that I could never have the been the cause of the boys fucking me. Bless my child for showing me the truth.
Confusion: I learned sex, I learned to give...I never learned what a kiss was. I never learned what it felt like to be hugged. I learned that I was cheap, easy for the asking. I was labelled the town hore, which I was. It took two marriages of failure to realize that sex wasn't what I was looking for. Somewhere in my second marriage, I figured out that if I grew fat, he and all men would not want me anymore. I succeeded in getting very fat also grew old, beauty faded avery long time ago.