Debbie's Sharebook 

I have been dealing with PTSD for about 50 years now, and it isn't easy.  Everyday I have the demons in my head telling me to think in the way I don't want to think. I wake up from nightmares with feelings that I have a hard time getting rid of.  I try so hard to please everyone and do everything for everyone because that is the way to not get them to yell at me or get angry at me. But I think by doing that it pushes people away because I am trying so hard to keep them close to me. I try to tell people my feelings and ask them how they feel towards me, to push away the feelings I have. I am a very emotional and sensitive person. At certain times without me knowing it but I just cry at the drop of a hat. I know some people would like me to not be that way and they try to change me or tell me to grow up. But you know, they aren't me and the only thing I can do is learn to work with everything going on.  It gets so overwhelming most times since I have been going through this so long, that I just want to give up.  I don't want to try anymore and I have through the years tried to commit suicide a couple of times.  I am a cutter too. I haven't done that in about 4 years now and I am so glad of that.  I do take medications that make me tired and makes me gain weight but I really think it helps, even though I don't like taking medications. My Aunt many years ago was on so many kinds of medications for different ailments.  She had to go in for a Gall Bladder operation and they strapped her down and took her off of the meds. and she was never the same. I am glad they don't do that anymore, as long as you work with every doctor you go to. From your primary to your Mental Health Doctor. I see a Therapist and a Mental Health Doctor now and through the years.  You definitely help.  My therapist deals with PTSD so he can tell me things about what I am feeling.  And my Mental Health Doctor works in a VA Hospital so he sees PTSD all the time.  Whew! I think I am finish but I just want to know that I work everyday to take care of myself but there are times that I cant'. But that is Okay.