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Dec 16, 2011

a young man stood outside in the back of the small building looking up to the sky. if people had seen him standing there, they might have assumed this young man was admiring the view or contemplating life. but he wasn't. he was just there.  it was so dark but the yellow lights from the windows and the open door illuminated the area just a bit. there was an inch or so of snow on the ground and the snow was gently falling around him in slow big flakes. he had rolled up shirt sleeves. he didn't need a coat. he didn't feel  anything anymore but the intense pain of being alone. alone, so alone. he didn't  know why he had to have this intense burning pain. but it was there. always there. he used to wonder why he was so alone. he wasn't a bad person. he didn't do bad things. there were people around him at work. or in groupings where he was included. but deep inside, he was only alone. so alone. he had given up questioning himself and the why's and wherefores so long ago, he just lived in his aloneness, all alone, with that intense burning pain. he continued to stand there, though he shifted his view a bit for no reason. his mind wasn't thinking of anything, he just shifted a bit. put his right hand in his right pants pocket and now looked at the ground seeing nothing. feeling nothing but alone. time passed, he didn't know or care to know how much. a scruffy little dog came prancing toward him. he looked toward it out of the reflex of knowing it was coming toward him. nothing else. when the little dog got a small distance away from him, it sat down, cocked it's head, and looked at him. they were like that a while, he standing looking at the dog and the dog with it's cocked head looking at him. he figured the dog was lost or wondering, maybe wanting a little human contact. he'd never been a mean or cruel person. so he sighed squatted down and talked to the dog with the little words that a person says to most any dog. the little guy cocked his head a few different ways as he talked, but just sat with him, not approaching or giving anything of it's thoughts away. he sighed again, deeply, reached his hand out and patted the dog's head. the dog gave no indication that this might be what he wanted. he just continued to sit with him. and he continued to talk to him about nothing much. he talked until he finally asked the little guy outright what he wanted. great, he thought, he was losing his mind now along with the rest. then he chuckled, patted it's head again and froze. just froze...a chuckle? where had that come from? why? could he even chuckle anymore? obviously he could and did. he wasn't really looking at the dog as his introspection was happening, so the dog lay down where he was and continued to look at this man. sometime during his pondering the man realized he was speaking out loud to the dog once again. and that he had just told a little dog of his life and his deep pain. a sigh from the depth of his being escaped his lips. and somehow he knew  something had changed inside him. he didn't know how or what it was and it scared the heck out of him for a moment. well, longer then that. but he still just sat with the dog in that bit of snow a while  longer.  his gaze shifted to the skies again and he noticed the snow had stopped and the stars were shining brightly. and as dogs will  sometimes do, it shifted his gaze upward where the man was looking. the man noticed and laughed. not a chuckle, a laugh. he figured if his mind was gone he'd just ask the dog another question. one he used to ask quite often. in for a penny, in for a pound, his gramma used to say. is there anything out there? he asked looking at the dog. the  dog, again sitting, was looking back at him. of course, the little guy didn't answer. imagine that, he thought. and then, he heard a far away voice, say I AM. oh  my gosh, he thought, someone heard him and thought he wanted an answer. but try as he might, he couldn't see anyone. now he was worried. what if someone else needed help. so he said more loudly, is anyone out there? a bit stronger now, a voice said I AM. the dog just sat and watched him with no judgement either way as to his insanity or the need of a person calling for help. he noted that with a kind of panic as he was aware now that someone needed something. he cupped his hands to his mouth and yelled loudly, are you there? where are you? i can't see you! and this time the voice was deep and loud, I AM HERE, and he realized the voice was all around him, and inside him! and he felt. he felt so much so quickly that there was no reaction, just feeling. feelings of glory, kindness, joy, strength, acceptance, compassion, love, warmth, so many, so fast and so deeply, that there was no time to isolate so many more feelings. no time to question. and in that very instant, he knew..he knew and accepted the voice of I AM. he, as just a man, had one more question, a question he used to wonder quite often, and it came out with the expectation of an answer...where have you been when i needed you so much? I AM AND HAVE BEEN ALWAYS WITH YOU. and somehow his very soul realized that one voice was so much more. that voice contained the voices of past, present, and future. that it was the truth, a truth he could not yet fully explain to himself. amazingly, didn't need to. this man that he was, was new and the same. joyful, peaceful, calm. if people saw him now, with his newness and sameness, with this little scruffy dog, they would see a happy man and his little friend...the dog! he flipped his head to again see the little guy still just sitting with him contently waiting for something. so, he asked, you wanna new home? now the little guy stood and yipped and the man laughed loudly and happily as they trotted through the door into his home. and the angels stayed laying and sitting and strumming and humming all around and upon his house where they had always been..............

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Posted: Friday December 16, 2011, 4:32 am
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peggy p.
female, age 58, divorced, 2 children
Springfield, MO, USA
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