He was that kind of dad who would read bedtime stories in the hammock as the sun was setting behind the trees, and then abuse me in the bathroom, in the bedroom and in my grandparent’s bathroom. This happened a long time ago, but it took me twenty years to revive those memories; until then the source of my pain, my shame, my guilt, my depression, my fears and my self-hatred was a mystery. Nothing had happened as far as I could remember. I kept it all to myself and forced the darkness outside of the boarders of my consciousness.
After years of depression, anorexia, bulimia, aggression, drinking, mania, drugs, suppressed femininity, anxiety, restlessness, hopelessness and panic attacks, I finally hit the bottom at the age of 25. On a quest to find out what was wrong with me, I reached my subconscious through meditation, self-induced trance and improvised painting. When the memories came back to me, pain shot through me like eons of rows of knives penetrating every inch of my body; mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
Through daily meditation and painting, my inner voice guided me through a deep and challenging journey to my subconscious where I faced what was holding me back, tying me down and polluting my mind with fear. The sessions began in a safe and comfortable angelic realm, where everything is pure energy. Embraced by love I had the strength to enter the dark corners and take care of my demons one by one. They came out of me, and they were the part of me who had grown powerful over the years as I let their voices dictate my life. Once I had taken the demons to my heart by listening carefully to their stories and accepting them for what they were, I connected to the five-six year old me, who some days refused to come out of the attic, where she hid from the light of day covered in dust and dirt. The little girl gradually gained confidence in me and showed me around the house, allowing me to witness how her father systematically broke her down.
My parents were separated and I used to lay awake at night at my mother’s house, disturbed by my feelings, looking for a way out of hell. I prayed to God with tears running down my face, and sometimes my mother would come in and ask me what was wrong, but I couldn't tell her the truth. Then came the day when I decided to never go back to my father's house without giving my mother and stepfather the real reason why. As we rapidly grew apart from each other and it became increasingly difficult for me to deal with my suppressed emotions, I wondered when they would give up on me. When I turned 15 they moved to Africa and left me behind.
When we enter our darkness and explore with fearless determination, we illuminate. This book is about how I faced my demons through painting and meditation, guided by spirits and angels, and about how I ultimately forgave my parents from the bottom of my heart. All women can come out on the other side, radiating and free, and become the queen of their universe.
I am watching you bouncing a ball against the brick wall of your home. The window to your room is open, allowing you to blast your favourite pop tunes over the sunny backyard. You are singing along to the tunes. Do you only sing when nobody can hear you? That would be a waste of such a talent. I counted the bounces to three hundred until I lost count. It is sad to watch you play by your own and I know that you would never have it any other way. Your little heart is too heavy for human interaction. It is too heavy for shared joy, because the mud inside is choking your laughter. You are sure that everyone can see your pain and therefore you are a burden to the world. People tell you to smile, they tell you to be normal and they tell you to hang out with the other kids. The problem is that everything you do, you question. Everything you feel, you question. They are after you in school now; the guys drive you crazy and you chase them and you spit after them and you hate being alive, except for now, alone with the ball, the music and the wall. That hole you dug inside of you to hide the truth is going to swallow your days just like a black hole swallows existence. With your will power and determination you have created an oblivion-devise that will keep your secret safe for two decades. I want to take you into my arms and tell you exactly what happened. I want to wake you up, because life doesn't have to be a bad dream. If you only knew about your powers to build and heal by speaking your truth. It is you who are building the walls. All I can do now amidst the red ruins of scattered bricks, blood and squashed strawberries is to remember you and love you in eternity. I will tell the world about you and they will admire you for your strength.