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Mar 6, 2013

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While Mark was shopping for pet supplies, one of the salespeople came running up to him. “Mark! Mark! I just saw someone driving off with your BMW!”

“Dear God! Did your try to stop him?” “No,” said the clerk, “but don’t worry. I got the license plate number!”


   Love is blind.   And marriage is and eye opener!


Bob stood over his tee sot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what the hell is taking so long?" "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot." "Good lord!" his companion exclaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."


Q. What do you call a polar bear with ear muffs?
A. Anything you want, he can’t hear you!


How was copper wire invented? -- A scotsman and a jew fought over a penny.



I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go(*), and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!

*) i begs to differ.
 ------------------------------------------------------------------
 Doubt may be an uncomfortable condition. But surety is ridiculous.
 The True Philosopher thinks,-- in order to change.
                   --  Francois-Marie Arouet 'Voltaire' (1694-1778)

 Kein Zweifel, kein Erwachen / No doubt, no awakening.  --  Po Shan
 ------------------------------------------------------------------


A teacher sees a lad entering the classroom – his hands were dirty.
She stopped him and said, "John, please wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with hands like that?"
Smiling the boy replied, "I think I’d be too polite to mention it."


A wise man once said....   go ask a woman!


One sunday morning, Joe notices his neighbor digging a hole in his garden.
"What's that hole for, Jack?" he asks.
"My canary is dead and i'm burying him" Jack replies.
"But isn't this rather large a hole for such a small bird?"
"Yes, it is, indeed." Jack replies and looks straight at Joe. "But he's stuck inside your goddamned cat."


"What did your mother do yesterday morning. Vicky?"
"She done her shopping, ma’am."
"Done her shopping, Vicky? Where’s your grammar?"
"She done her shopping as well, ma’am."


Lying on his deathbed, the wealthy Mr. Sams was instructing his attorney on last-minute changes in his will: "I wish to leave everything I own, all stocks, bonds property, art, and money, to my wife. However, there is one stipulation."
"And that is?”"
"In order to inherit, she must marry within six months of my death."
The lawyer seemed puzzled. "Why make such an unusual request?"
Mr. Sams answered, "Because I want someone to be sorry I died."


Policeman: "Did you get the license number of the car that knocked you down?"
Pedestrian: "No, but I know who it was. My mother-in-law!"
Policeman: "How can you be so certain?"
Pedestrian: "I’d recognize that laugh anywhere!"


          Facing the worst --
                   until laughter burst.
                                   --  Samuel Beckett (1906-1989)


Immer wieder gut für herzliche Lacher: für Deutschland in etwa das, was George Carlin für die U.$.A. war, der politische Kabarettist Volker Pispers -- hier z.B. sein Programm (2CDs) "Bis Neulich 2010" @u2b

" We're fortunate that the Emotional Plague doesn't cause diarrhea - for if it did, most people here would have to spend all their day on the can ! " [my transl.]

Pispers stiehlt nur von den Besten !

" Glueck gehabt -- Schon gut, dass Neid keinen Durchfall verursacht, sonst wuerden 70% der Deutschen 24 Stunden am Tag auf dem Klo zubringen. "  -- Ulli Stein "Normal ist das nicht! - Tagebuch II" 2008


Sign on company bulleting board: "This firm requires no physical-fitness program. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, running down the boss, flogging dead horses, knifing friends in the back, dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck."


A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


                      MORE  ( archived earlier "Need a Laugh ?" blog )


          Laughter is better than pills for whatever ails you.

                           -- J. Michael Straczynski, Babylon 5, #2.6



Visibility: Everyone
Posted: Wednesday March 6, 2013, 12:12 am
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David C. (25)
Sunday June 16, 2013, 6:40 am
OLD version, no longer updated !

http://beam.to/wdaJo points to the current one

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mag.w.d. Aichberger
male, age 114, single
Feeding Hills, MA, USA
MAG.W.D.'S SHARES
Feb
25
(0 comments  |  discussions )
\nBULL$HIT\r\nWhen I use the term Bullshit or Bull$hit I\'m referring to something that\'s similar to what\'s described by this \"Definition of Bullshit\" except that I would stress the point of it being *deliberate* somewhat less, as nowadays much of BS is s...
Feb
14
(1 comments  |  discussions )
\nthis (direct permanent link to this here page);  short(redirect)URL= beam.to/SGreets\r\n\r\n\n \r\n\r\n\r\nPast Winter Solstice at 2012-12-21 11:11 (UTC) and Perihelion at 2013-01-02 04:37 (at 0.9833 AU, 22.9°) days getting longer again (though currentl...
Dec
11
(3 comments  |  discussions )
\nAccording to the ICJ *unambiguously*, \"All of the West Bank, all of Gaza, and all of East Jerusalem are occupied Palestinian territory... And each and every one of those settlements is illegal, a flagrant violation of international law... The Israeli...


SHARES FROM MAG.W.D.'S NETWORK
Mar
31
(1 comments  |  discussions )
\\nZEN was suspended by Eric with no warning. We don\\\'t know any reasons nor how long it will last....\\r\\nI asked about it on the forum but my post was immediately deleted. 2 threads and petitions about Zen also. And 2 her help-groups. :-(\\r\\nUntill to...
Jan
29
(1 comments  |  discussions )
\\n\\r\\n\\r\\n\\r\\n\\nS ECULAR ETHICS: \\r\\n\\\" So the key thing is the peaceful mind. Naturally and obviously, anger, hatred, jealously, fear are not helpful to develop peace of mind. Love, compassion, affection--these are the foundations of peaceful mind. Bu...
Dec
22
(0 comments  |  discussions )
\\nthis (direct permanent link to this here page);  short(redirect)URL= beam.to/SGreets\\r\\n&nbs p;\\r\\nEaarth is past Winter Solstice (2013-12-21 17:10 GMT), near Perihelion (2014-01-04 11:58 GMT) and slowly heading towards Vernal Equinox (2014-03-2...
Dec
12
(0 comments  |  discussions )
\\n\\r\\nthis  (direct permanent link to this here page);  short(redirect)URL= beam.to/wdaJo\\r\\n\\r\\n \\n\\r\\nThree immigrants to the U. S. were just mastering the language. One was telling the others about the difficulty they were having in attemp...
Nov
17
(2 comments  |  discussions )
\\nThe HORD has begun its own orphanage Primary School in March 2010 in the rural Bussiwa village in kamuli district.  People live in small grass hatched houses, often large families in one room.  The people who live in these rural villages a...


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