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Jan 5, 2013

TODAY USED TO BE TOMORROW
 

Tomorrow will be a month since my dad left this world, and left a hole in our hearts, my heart, my mother’s, my sister’s, my brother’s, my cousin Claudia’s…and everyone who met him. How can we ever fill this hole?

I never dealt with loss of life well. I hurt for creatures I never met. I knew his end was coming, but never believed the moment would really come. But it did. Tomorrow will be one month. He fought against cancer for two years, doing everything possible to stay here. He didn’t want to leave. The day before he left, at the hospital, juiced up on morphine to lessen his pain… he had me help him sit, and I held him up for a while, it was hard for him to keep his eyes open, hard for him to speak, but he said:

-Turn on the lights, I have to do something…

I asked what he had to do…

-I want to do…whatever I want to do, but I can’t…

That’s how much he wanted to be alive. That moment broke my heart. The last time he had been actually lucid was a couple days earlier, when my brother Steve and I arrived from the USA, my brother Jamie had been there for some days, but we were all in his hospital room, with my mother and sister, and Janet the housekeeper with her daughter (she was caressing his head, which he loved), he opened his heavy eyelids and ghasped

-Boy, I wish I was a little better to enjoy that you are all here…

I brought him a painting I made of a black kitty, with the symbols of eternal life, the Eye of Horus and the Scarab. I showed him and he raised his eyebrows and smiled in approval. He knew this picture was about his sweet Willie. I left it in front of him, and it stayed at his feet, where he could see it ( it stayed there until he crossed over, where Willie was waiting for him).
 

After this, he never really came alert, he was in a semi-comatose state, with intermittent pain, coming to every once in a while. There was a moment when everyone left but me, he noticed and turned to me and asked where they were, and I said they just left for a moment, he looked at me with his blue eyes wide open, as if asking why they were not there and he grabbed my arm and said:

-I’m dying

He did, two days later. Tomorrow will be a month.

How can one describe the life of a man in a nutshell…he was my dad. He used to be young and strong, a pilot, a military, a husband, a father, once a hunter then anti-hunting ( according to my mom), a stern father at first, and I got the best of him, as I was the last child, he turned soft. He loved my mother on his last day as much as his first. They did everything together. If he had lived another week, they would have been companions and married for 49 years. Now, his ashes are in a beautiful silver urn, shaped as a teardrop, in their bedroom, where they will remain until she goes to reunite with him, then they will both be ashes to be spread in a sunny spot.

He loved his life, his children, his friends, his home, and his animals. He had a soft spot for Byron, his big husky. He left his favorite cat, Gandalf, waiting for him to come back.  Here, under his hand.
 

A couple years earlier, he had been mourning for his dear Willie, who died so young, but left a hole in his heart. I wrote a chapter about Willie and sent it to him, this is what he wrote to me:

Hi Maria, Thanks for your "angel card", and also for your new "chapter"...... it was very pretty - and I hate to admit it - it got me to crying again. Big macho me. I've selected a few of his fotos to send to you......... from a sweet baby, to swimming instructions, to nursing Tabi (can you imagine that!). I'm sure gonna miss that little guy.

Love,

Dad

 

I know he’s with his Willie and his Byron, and all the angels that left before him. I believe they all crossed the Rainbow Bridge, where we will all meet again some day.
 

Meantime, he left us all we are today, and there will never be anything to fill the hole in our hearts.

Tomorrow, will be one month after.

January 4, 2013.
I love you, daddy, and you will be alive in my heart, till it
stops beating.

Visibility: Everyone
Posted: Saturday January 5, 2013, 2:09 pm
Tags: goodbye eulogy [add/edit tags]

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Agnes N. (717)
Saturday January 5, 2013, 3:06 pm
Hi Maria thanks for sharing...sorry and sad
a few days on care2..we got sad news from friends..
how life is so short here?
we should try..!! to keep the mind happy in peace
and make our day...warm hugs
Agnes

Dalia H. (1280)
Saturday January 5, 2013, 3:20 pm
What a Precious Pair of Angels my Beloved Maria. Rest In Peace in Heaven your Beloved Dad!
Sending you many Healing Prayers and much Positive Energy for you and all the Family!
Much Love, Light, Peace, Prayers
B.D♥

(0)
Saturday January 5, 2013, 4:09 pm
Maria, that is a beautful story of your dad..he loved you all and his animals and they loved him..i can tell.I love the photo of him sleeping with the kitten.He looked good for his age

Nicole W. (644)
Saturday January 5, 2013, 4:20 pm
what a lovely tribute to your father; he will be with you always, watching over you. you have my condolences dear Maria.

marie c. (168)
Saturday January 5, 2013, 4:30 pm
Oh Dear Maria Elena My heart is with you.
God Bless you and your family Love
Marie XXXXXXXXXXX

M Away M. (461)
Saturday January 5, 2013, 4:48 pm
Dearest Maria~ Can't say anything that would help except I am praying for you and your HEART~ Been thought this loss and typing with tears. xo Marilyn

FreeSpirit Running (324)
Saturday January 5, 2013, 4:55 pm
Dearest Maria, this is the most touching tribute to your Daddy my friend...He is smiling in Heaven with no more pain now & will always be with you in spirit. God bless you for writing this with your whole heart...your father is proud of you for showing your love. God bless your Mom, sister, cuz & you, may you all know that he is loved & in peace now. Thank you for sharing this most heartfelt tribute...xo

Roxy H. (334)
Saturday January 5, 2013, 5:35 pm
I don't know what to say but simply....amazing.. Maria, I can feel your heart bleeding, the missing of your father, and the pain of never having him and others that are gone.. We all have it in our lives, and people say it gets easier... LIES, it never is easy. It hurts! and the pain is there and the tears are real.. you ever need to cry with someone who feels the pain of loss.. I will be there for you..Love you my beautiful warrior... Rox

Shirley S. (176)
Saturday January 5, 2013, 5:38 pm
Maria many thanks for sharing your touching tribute to your beloved Dad . Good fathers are SPECIAL people that we daughters appreciate forever.

LaurenAWAY Kozen (163)
Saturday January 5, 2013, 5:53 pm
Maria,
This is such a wonderful tribute to your father. I really like the picture! So precious. May he Rest in Peace. My heart & prayers are with you.
~Lauren K.

Jelica R. (157)
Saturday January 5, 2013, 6:07 pm
Thank you, Maria, for sharing this tribute to your father. My deepest condolences to you and your family.
My dad died 15 years ago. Sometimes, when I need some comfort, I can almost feel his hand touching my shoulder. He is not here any more, but he is always with me. I think that love can not die.

Darlene K. (361)
Saturday January 5, 2013, 7:29 pm
Blessings of healing to you and your family, Maria. Love your painting of kitty. Much Love and Hugs.

Kenneth L. (314)
Sunday January 6, 2013, 12:30 am
So sorry to hear about your Dad Maria, he's about like me with my cats that I've had in my life. What I've felt for mine will never be known by anyone, except them of course. I lost my parents over 10 yrs. ago now, and others, the spirit never dies, that's for sure, just the body, be it animal or person.

Kim O. (398)
Sunday January 6, 2013, 2:29 am
Thank you for sharing, Maria Elena. It's a very beautiful tribute to an obviously wonderful man. I love the photo of him with his little kitty baby and your painting. I'm sending you and your family a big healing hug. He's never really gone, as long as he's in your hearts. I'm sure he's in a wonderful, pain free place now with his kitty pals, watching over you all. RIP

Silvia Gonzalez (34)
Sunday January 6, 2013, 7:27 am
Best wishes and encoraugement to you. A beautiful tribute.

Michela m. (3955)
Sunday January 6, 2013, 8:22 am
Thank you for sharing this touching story!! Take care... A big hug! michela

Kay F. (548)
Sunday January 6, 2013, 10:24 am
Dear Maria, I am so sorry for your loss! Some day you will meet him again! Hugs, Kay

Suheyla C. (226)
Sunday January 6, 2013, 12:21 pm
Dear Maria
I'm so sorry for your father. Thank you so much for sharing whit us. I hope you are peaceful life in eternity. I share your pain.
Suheyla

Larry S. (645)
Tuesday January 8, 2013, 7:23 pm
Wow, great eulogy. Your emotions stir within me as I read this. Remember the good times! :)

Kristi K. (2035)
Thursday January 10, 2013, 10:15 am
So sorry for your loss. I only saw this share today or I would have replied sooner. These are wonderful pictures of happier times.

AnimalWhisperer Caswell (155)
Thursday January 10, 2013, 1:13 pm
I am so sorry for your loss. Am sending Love and Healing X

Ekeim Teeuwisse (147)
Monday January 14, 2013, 6:06 pm
RIP daddy and kitties...
lots of big (((hugs))) to you dear Maria !

Author

Maria Elena Gonzalez
female, age 48, single
Algona, WA, USA
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