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Dec 12, 2013

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Three immigrants to the U. S. were just mastering the language. One was telling the others about the difficulty they were having in attempting to start a family. He said, "I think my wife must be impregnable." The second said," that's not the right word, she is inconceivable". To which the third replied, "You are both wrong she is unbearable." 

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay after all?" 

A frustrated father told a work colleague: "When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son’s room, he has his own color flatscreen TV, computer, games console, cell phone and CD/DVD/BlueRay player." -  "So what do you do?" The father replied: "I send him to my room!"

A young bride tells her friend, " Paul keeps telling everyone he’s going to marry the most beautiful girl in the world."

" What a shame! And after all the time you’ve been engaged! "

The border between Heaven and Hell has been damaged by unknown culprits.

The devils sends a message up to the Angels: "Our lawyers here agree that Heaven has to come up for the repairs."

The Angels answer: "We'll probably have to; couln't find one lawyer up here:"

At an economics conference. The Saudi-arabian King and Bill Gates are having a talk.

King Ali bin Salman: "Oil price has developed not bad at all in recent years. I could buy all the world!"

Bill Gates: "Well, maybe you could. But I ain'nt selling."

SIGHHH...  care2-blog-editor keeps messing up the formatting, inserting unwanted, un-needed, annoying linebreaks, more and more with every edit. This bug is alive and well only for a few years now. "Congratulations" to the responsibles at care2 !

(text-)colores get messed up, too.

"I thought you were vegetarian. How come you're eating rabbit stew?"

"Revenge. Those damned rabbits ate all my carrots!"

After leaving the racetrack Bill bumped into his old friend Peter on the bus.

“Say,” Peter said, “How’s it going?” “Going? You want to hear one of the most amazing things that ever happened? Tell me- what’s today’s date?”

“July seventh.” “Right. The seventh day, of the seventh month. I go to the track at seven minutes past seven. My son is seven years old today, and we live at number seven, Seventh Avenue.” “Let me guess,” Peter interrupted. “You put everything you had on the seventh horse in the seventh race.” “Right.”

“And he won!” Peter sighed.

“No. He came in seventh.” 

Q. What do you call a polar bear with ear muffs?
A. Anything you want, he can’t hear you!

Bob stood over his tee sot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what the hell is taking so long?" "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot." "Good lord!" his companion exclaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

How was copper wire invented? -- A scotsman and a jew fought over a penny.

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go(*), and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!

*) i begs to differ.
 Doubt may be an uncomfortable condition. But surety is ridiculous.
 The True Philosopher thinks,-- in order to change.
                   --  Francois-Marie Arouet 'Voltaire' (1694-1778)

 Kein Zweifel, kein Erwachen / No doubt, no awakening.  --  Po Shan

A teacher sees a lad entering the classroom – his hands were dirty.
She stopped him and said, "John, please wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with hands like that?"
Smiling the boy replied, "I think I’d be too polite to mention it."

A wise man once said....   go ask a woman!

One sunday morning, Joe notices his neighbor digging a hole in his garden.
"What's that hole for, Jack?" he asks.
"My canary is dead and i'm burying him" Jack replies.
"But isn't this rather large a hole for such a small bird?"
"Yes, it is, indeed." Jack replies and looks straight at Joe. "But he's stuck inside your goddamned cat."

"What did your mother do yesterday morning. Vicky?"
"She done her shopping, ma’am."
"Done her shopping, Vicky? Where’s your grammar?"
"She done her shopping as well, ma’am."

Lying on his deathbed, the wealthy Mr. Sams was instructing his attorney on last-minute changes in his will: "I wish to leave everything I own, all stocks, bonds property, art, and money, to my wife. However, there is one stipulation."
"And that is?”"
"In order to inherit, she must marry within six months of my death."
The lawyer seemed puzzled. "Why make such an unusual request?"
Mr. Sams answered, "Because I want someone to be sorry I died."

Policeman: "Did you get the license number of the car that knocked you down?"
Pedestrian: "No, but I know who it was. My mother-in-law!"
Policeman: "How can you be so certain?"
Pedestrian: "I’d recognize that laugh anywhere!"

          Facing the worst --
                   until laughter burst.
                                   --  Samuel Beckett (1906-1989)

Immer wieder gut für herzliche Lacher: für Deutschland in etwa das, was George Carlin für die U.$.A. war, der politische Kabarettist Volker Pispers -- hier z.B. sein Programm (2CDs) "Bis Neulich 2010" @u2b

" We're fortunate that the Emotional Plague doesn't cause diarrhea - for if it did, most people here would have to spend all their day on the can ! " [my transl.]

Pispers stiehlt nur von den Besten !

" Glueck gehabt -- Schon gut, dass Neid keinen Durchfall verursacht, sonst wuerden 70% der Deutschen 24 Stunden am Tag auf dem Klo zubringen. "  -- Ulli Stein "Normal ist das nicht! - Tagebuch II" 2008

Sign on company bulleting board: "This firm requires no physical-fitness program. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, running down the boss, flogging dead horses, knifing friends in the back, dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck."

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

                      MORE  ( archived earlier "Need a Laugh ?" blog )

          Laughter is better than pills for whatever ails you.

                           -- J. Michael Straczynski, Babylon 5, #2.6

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Posted: Thursday December 12, 2013, 12:12 am
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David D.
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\nafter (presumably intentional) destruction of earlier profile(s) and blog(s) (a while ago) i\'m re-posting the 30.05.2012-versi on (of which i happen to have backup)NEWER ENTRIES marked bold/blue \r\n\r\n\r \n\r\nas to what prompted me to start these ...
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