I wish that I wasn't confined within these walls …I long to bath in the gathering energy, to let the fury of nature wash over me. To feel the caress of the gathering winds on my face, and through my hair.

I wish that I were in the arms of my lover, his breath, hot penetrating the chill rain running down over my every surface. Our hearts drumming, energy rising like the rolling thunder in our ears, brief glimpses of flesh glistening in the flashes of light…

Sigh…

Did I mention my lover in my last entry? I think not. It may be because he is of the uncertain sort. Though I wish that it were not so, his heart does not belong to me, nor do I ever know that it shall. His heart remains somewhere in the past, and I witch or not, cannot compete with memories. There was a time when this knowledge brought many tears to me, however now I am, for the most part, at peace with this . He is a good man, his touch is intoxicating and I could drown in his eyes if he were ever to let me gaze into them too long. Do I love him? I dare not answer, not even within my own heart for fear it be broken. For now he brings me happiness, and if he is to walk at my side for a short time, than that must be enough. I trust that the goddess in all her guises would never give me any challenge or gift that I cannot survive with my head high and my heart whole.

Regardless of my current situation I do hope for true and enduring love someday… I had a taste of it once when I was very young. It seemed then to be that final piece that made everything whole, but perhaps that was merely an illusion, regardless it is quite exquisite and I have not yet experienced anything that can compare.

I know that I am older and hopefully wiser, I am certain that it is even more, beyond the intoxication I see devotion, partnership, and true enduring desire. And Yes, to know love such as that would be bliss, even to an independent witch such as myself.

I suppose the reason that I have remained unmarried thus far is twofold; First, I do not know that they who would truly hold my heart has yet shown themselves to me. And I will settle for nothing less. Second, when I had glimpsed love before…it had ended very badly. I had believed in him, in his love so completely that when I had learned of his indiscretions it was so absolutely inconceivable to me that I became ill, vomiting. I wept nearly continuously for a month, ashamed when my little Ricky asked why mommies eyes were leaking. It wouldn't be until 13 years had passed that I would again weep for any man. I had become certain for a time that I was no longer capable of feeling romantic love. There were men and for a time I felt that I might love them, but that would soon pass. I would know that I could never give them my heart, it would be over. And I felt…nothing. Something was missing within me …

Now that I have finally healed, I do not dare give my heart away so freely or innocently lest it not return this time. Now I await the one who will be my equal, give and receive, and know the true me and love me for who I am as I will them.