my care2
make a difference

community

shares

share your passions, stories, inspirations, and more

Blog: Searching for a way to find happiness  



For a long time I have been restless, searching for some way to end the pain in my life.  The deep, longing, soul scorching pain that comes from 15 years of hurt.  That comes from a life of feeling like a used up sour rag that gets tossed on the back of the sink and forgotten.  That comes from a life of emotional pain and hurt.

I have floated around for years with my footing half on and off the fence.  I was "trying" to live in the world and live for Christ.  Which honestly....is tiring, and self defeating lol.  I thought that by keeping my "options open" with God that eventually things would be ok.  I would do what I wanted to do and when I came under conviction appologize and all was well.

The people in my real world life have seen me doing this for years.  The thing is, I have not gotten far in this journey.  From some I successfully hid somethings for a while, from others I have only been deluding myself to think they did not notice my antics.  Most of my confusion centers around my not being able to have children.  Anger is probably the most intense feeling that I have for this.  Anger at myself, anger at God.  But mostly myself. 

Growing up in church, I know that we are given free will.  I know that God gives us this, and I have made some very bad choices with mine.  Choices that have led me to many dark places, when I could have come to depend on God.  Which led to more frustration in my life.  I turned to other things to assuage this pain and hurt, never to the one who could take it away completely.  For years I have used my "rightous anger" to do and say many things that I know were wrong.  I do not know why, but suddenly this is not enough for me.

I have been searching everywhere for a place to fit in, a place to call home.  I have looked into many things lately, and tried a few new things.  But to tell you the truth, I have only felt the rising of my fear of incurring God's anger.  One day, I am going to sway a little too far and fall off this perch on the fence I ride.  Like any child raised Pentecostal, I have a healthy dose of fear of God's retribution, of hell, fire and brimstone.  I have a fear that the rapture takes place in the middle of the night and I missed out!  None of you expected to hear that did you? LOL

Do you know the one place in the world that I find peace?  It's in the church I attend every Sunday.  The only thing that calms my anxiety?  Is listening to worship music.  Yet, I have been exploring things that I am sure that God would not want me too, increasing my frustration.  I know that many people on Care2 have other religious beliefs that contraindicate what I am trying to say.  That is fine, I am not condeming anyone here.  I am speaking from my heart to you.

I do not know how to say this except to come out and say it.  I can not ride this fence anymore.  I am tired of fighting with God!  Why fight him when it is so much more rewarding to serve him?  Because I have been angry for most of my life.  I have wrapped pain and anger around me so tightly that I do not know how I have been able to breathe.  It is killing me  slowly to hold this anger and hurt.  I know that some will get what I am saying and some will think I'm nuts or you are offended already by this topic.  But friends, please listen to me....I ask you to listen to me.

I have decided that I am needing to make a decision.  I have decided that I need to return to my God.  To ask his forgiveness, to pray that I yet again have one more chance to live for him.  I truly feel at home in church, my soul is quiet, my spirit at peace there.  A few years ago there was a word spoken over me, it has been confirmed over and over again.  I kinda of been living like Jonah, refusing to answer the call.  But instead of a whale swallowing me whole, and living in it's belly....my whale has been life.

I am going to hit my knees and tell God that I am finally letting go of pain, hurt and anger.  I am placing every wrong thing done to me into his hands and depending on him to right the wrongs.  I am going to tell him that where he sends me, I will go.  Because for me...this is finally me going home.  Like the Prodigal son, I am the prodigal daughter returning home after trying to live life on my terms and going against everything my father(God) would want for me. 

So, I hope that my freinds a re still reading this.  I am going to be withdrawing from some groups.  I thank you for allowing me in, I thank you for your friendship and acceptance.  But I am no longer going to particpate in certain groups or certain talk in others.  I hope that you will remain my friend and know that what is right for me, doesn't make it right for you.  I will not force my decision on you, I will not preach to you.  You and I can remain friends, however, I will no longer interact with you in certain ways.

Love
Tina

Posted: Saturday May 6, 2006, 2:36 am
Visibility: Everyone
      

Tags: No Tags
add/edit tags

Group Discussions start a discussion
Comments

Flag as Inappropriate

AUTHOR:




'S SHARES
Apr 9
Top 10 List: The Best Places For Plus Size Shopping
(1 comments  |  discussions ) — Tired of shoping in the same old places?  You know...Fashion Bug, Wal-mart, Lany Bryant, who owns Fashion Bug, Romans and Sears Woman's View.  (Ever wonder how so many Catalogs look the same??)  Well there are other options out there!&n... more
Mar 21
Blog: Sometimes people really make me sick!
(2 comments  |  discussions ) — I mean that they really make me sick!  Sometimes I think that humans are the most idiotic people on earth!  I have been running this program called the SWAN Project.  A program that I was and am very proud of.  However, due to one ... more
Blog: Married, and tortured before she was 5
(0 comments  |  discussions ) — Married at the age of four, an Afghan girl was subjected to years of beatings and torture, finally escaping to discover that within all the world's cruelty, there is also some kindness. KABUL,Afghanistan - Eleven-year old Gulsoma lay in a heap on the ... more


ads keep care2 free
SHARES FROM 'S NETWORK
No shares


ads keep care2 free
MORE MEMBER BLOGS
Oct 10
Blog: [TexasCatRescue] **UPDATE** Calico needs help/City of Irving by James H.
(0 comments  |  discussions ) — [TexasCatRescue] **UPDATE** Calico needs help/City of Irving Friday, October 10, 2008 9:03 PM From: "ms.taggart@verizon.net" < ms.taggart@verizon.net > To: ms.taggart@verizon.net Ok to forw... more
Blog: Preparing For Peace by Marieemma T.
(0 comments  |  discussions ) —   Preparing For Peace back to home page   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;    Understanding that every day is important, every moment is important: This is where we can become simple. ... more
Blog: Take action! Prop2 Wayne Pacelle Interview by Saving O.
(0 comments  |  discussions ) — Hi Everyone! Please check out this Larry King interview with Waynce Pacelle of HSUS. Please forward and Note. We need this story to stay active until CA votes on November 4th. http://www.care2.com/news /member/692368054/905915 Please take acti... more
Blog: I'm Sorry Christine -. by James H.
(1 comments  |  discussions ) — Date:Wednesday, October 8, 2008, 2:24 PM Subject:I'm Sorry   I apologize for not answering e-mails and messages the last few days. My precious baby passed away yesterday. I am sick about it. I tried nursing her all weekend, but she didn't m... more
Blog: Time is Running Out...Get Your Team Go Beth O! T-Shirt&#8207; by James H.
(0 comments  |  0 discussions ) —  Time is Running Out...Get Your Team Go Beth O! T-Shirt‏From:North Shore Animal League America (webmaster@nsalamerica.or g)Sent:Tue 10/07/08 10:56 AMTo: James Heater (jamesheater@hotmail.com) If you are having trouble viewing this e-mail... more
 
Content and comments expressed here are the opinions of Care2 users and not necessarily that of Care2.com or its affiliates.
Copyright © 2008 Care2.com, inc. and its licensors. All rights reserved