Dear Red States:
If you manage to steal this election, too, we've decided we're
leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the
other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes
California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin,
Michigan, Illinois, all the Northeast and some other fine states.
We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, especially
to the people of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave
states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the
Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the red
states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian
Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and
anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq
at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They
have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no
purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their
children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq and
hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our
resources in Bush's Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand we will have firm control of 80% of
the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and
lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality
wines, 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, 95% of the
corn and soybeans (thanks Iowa!), the best quality low-sulfur coal,
all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven
Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with
88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs),
92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, 90% of the tornadoes, 90% of the
hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all
televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and
the University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood, Yosemite, the Columbia Gorge and the North
Cascades. Thank you.
Additionally, 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was
actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless
we're discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say
that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in
9/11 and 61% of you believe you are people with higher morals then