I'm chroncally sick(though we've finaily found a way to help reduce my stomach symptoms) and one again I'm trying to finsh my year 12. It's been about a month and I've already had an insane amount of days off because I've either been too sick or too depressed.
It's so hard to be doing something for a third time and run into the same problems(that you can't do a whole lot about, I already spend more time with doctors then anyone else) time and time again. I can't eat the 'right foods' cause I can't actually eat, I can't impove my immune system because my body isn't absorbing anything and I can't get to the root of my mental illnesses because I'm too busy dealing with the depression for being sick for 8 months stright as well as the occasional risk of liver faliour, cancer and death have been thrown my way.
Granted I'm now at a point where I no longer fear death, I've accepted my mortlity and as such with my most recent cancer 'scare' it wasd not a scare at all. My experences in health/with health issues and mental illness(which I'll get into in another blog later), give me a very different look at termnal illnesses and chronic illness. Now I warn people that the statement I'm aboout to make could offend some, but that isn't my intention I'm simply giving you a glimps into my world. I find that the possible dignoses of a terminal illness is much less scary and tormenting then that of a dignosis of a painful non-life theating chornic illness, in fact when I was still being dignosed(and it's possible that the surgery that's meant to fix me may not help and I'll be back to the start of the dignoses process...again) I was hopeing for a dignosis of something terminal and I'd already awrned those close to me that I'd be refusing treatment.
To explain my view I'll tell you about the pain, suffering and stress I've had on myself and put on those around me for the past 8 months(I'm still in a lot of pain). Before all of this stomach illness hit I was already in pain daily because of muscle problems that I sustrained like three years ago(they started breaking down), but again not relevent to this blog. This does means that I've got an exceptionally high pain tolerence and it takes a fair bit of pain before I start to really whine about it. 8 or more months ago I started getting extreamly bad pain in my rightside whenever eating, most of the time it got worse if the food was heavy or high in saturated fat. The pain I was getting was so bad that I doubled over and had been at times in tears and/or in the Emergancy room on heavy pain medication. An Ultra-Sound showed GallStones, which was pretty easy to fix all they had to do was pull out the Gallbladder...which they did.
Surgery went really well, I healed relativly quickly and all seemed well until two weeks later. Standing in the post office doing nothing overly stressful I suddenly got sharp pain in my right side where the gallbladder was. This was the start of the next 8 months of tests, pain, mass amounts of weightloss and stress for everyone involved. All the basic tests came bag negative and so the doctors assumed it was some post-op IBS, a month later and my reflux is so bad I'm not keeping my food down, I'm having cramps that one night landed me in emergancy(possible liver failour), stomach and bowel spasms daily. My whole life was put on hold because I became malnourashed, ate maybe one tiny meal a day, lost weight, lost muscle mass and all my psychological progress was halted and the depression got insanely worse. Doctors still clung to the dignosis of IBS and told me that it was all stress related, compleatly ignoring the nausea, lack of absobtion of food/pills, the fact that I don't produce enzymes to digest food(taking supliments for it), the insane amount of reflux and bloating.
This continued for several months, while my life was on hold and I suffered though every sip of water(I had to drink carbonated drinks in the end, less liquid ends up in your stomach) and every bite of food. My dad and my boyfriend had to watch as I lost weight, muscle tone, strengh and sanity, I began to get suicidal because the doctors told me that I'll have this for the rest of my life and theres nothing that they could do. I watched as my dad slowly decended into depression, he blamed himself for not being able to help(cause paying for and taking me to the assortment of doctors/tests as well as looking after me 24/7 isn't help *rolls eyes*), he beacme stressed and his immune level dropped(he never gets sick and now he's getting viruses left right and center). My boyfrined, who hasn't actually seen me healthy, has had to watch as I think about my will and contempatle if I'd accpet cancer treatment or not, he's watched me double over in pain and he knows there's nothing that he can do. None of us have any idea when this will end, we don't know how bad I'm going to get or how much weight I'm gonna lose what we do know is that it will be with me for the rest of my life. I will get to a point where I'm unable to do the small amount of things that I can do, as harsh as it sounds it would be better for all involved if I did die, if we knew when all this suffering everyone is experencing would end.
With chronic illness you have to live with the symptoms for your whole life which could be only 5 years or it could be another 30 long torturose years that you'll have to live with something that isn't going to be fixed, its going to leave you and those around you misrable and you also know that you've got no idea of when it end. If you're unfortunate enough to be like me and have mulipul chornic illnesses that all cause different types of pain and system draining symptoms then it's nothing but a constant mockery and a reminder that you'll never, ever be 100% healthy or able to function the way that you should and your life will always be below quality.
At current all tests except for my reflux one(extremly high acid levels and acid damage) have come back more or less normal. I've been refered to a surgon for anti-reflux sugry to stop this because all other natural and chemcal attempts have faild, I've been told once this is fixed all my symptoms should go away...but they told me that when I had my Gallbladder out, so I'll believe it when it happens.
Again I want to highlight the fact that I don't in anyway mean to offend and/or downplay the suffering of those who have a terminal illness or who are effected by one. I'm simply showing the other side of the fence and I assure you that if I could I would be more then willing to take your place.