Dear Red States:
We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, this includes:
all the Northeast, California, Hawaii, Oregon, Illinois, Wisconsin, Washington, Minnesota and Michigan. Florida and anyone with some common sense can come, too. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly, you get Texas, Oklahoma, Alabama, and all the slave states. We get stem cell research, the best beaches, Yosemite, Hollywood, the Liberty Bell, and the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.
We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs along with Apple, Intel, and Microsoft. You get WorldCom, or what's left of it. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to figure out how to make your red states pay their fair share.
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. Apparently, they have kids they're willing to send to their deaths for no purpose and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We wish you success in Iraq and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in your president Bush's quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will enjoy 80% of the country's fresh water, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit and lettuce, 95% of America's quality wines (which shouldn't be a big deal for you guys since we know how much you love serving French wines, right?), 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, plus the entire Ivy League and Seven Sister schools, including Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
The Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Clemson, the University of Georgia. and Bob Jones University.
Oddly, 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 44% say that evolution is only a theory.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families while you get a bunch of single moms and 62% who believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws. And for some reason, you crazy bastards believe you have higher morals than the rest of us!
Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico. Good luck with that.