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Mar 6, 2007
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.  They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.  When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

 
He asked her about the contents.

"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"But what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

Women will love this..

A Prayer.......

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods; Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. And I don't know how to crochet. Amen!
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Posted: Mar 6, 2007 4:24am
Nov 10, 2006
 
Man comes home , finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALLyour friends"
 
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A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother".
Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
 
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What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress.
 
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Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
Without Information Fighting Everytime.
Wife replies," No, It means..With Idiot For Ever!!!"
 
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What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
and Panic is when both are pregnant.
 
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Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one,my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.
 
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A women asks man who is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours??"
The man replies, " No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints".
 
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A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the differencebetween confident and confidential.
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential!"
 
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Posted: Nov 10, 2006 7:30pm
Jan 1, 2006
"Competitive Salary"
- We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.


"Join Our Fast Paced Company"
- We have no time to train you.


"Casual Work Atmosphere"
- We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up.


"Must be Deadline Oriented"
- You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.


"Some Overtime Required"
- Some time each night, some time each weekend.


"Duties will Vary"
- Anyone in the office can boss you around.


"Must have an Eye for Detail"
- We have no quality control.


"Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience"
- You will need to replace three people who just left.


"Problem Solving Skills a Must"
- You are walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

Haven't heard a word from anyone out there.
Your first task is to find out what is going on.


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Posted: Jan 1, 2006 4:59pm
Nov 22, 2005

A man was driving a black truck. His lights were not on. The moon was not out. A lady was crossing the street. How did the man see her?
It was a bright, sunny day.
Can you read the following? Yy u r yy u b I c u r yy 4 me.
Too wise you are, too wise you be, I see you are too wise for me.
Do you say, "Nine and five is thirteen," or "Nine and five are thirteen" ?
Neither. Nine and five are fourteen.
How can you tell the difference between a can of chicken soup and a can of tomato soup?
Read the label.
How can you tell twin witches apart?
It's not easy to tell which witch is which.
How did the man feel when he got a big bill from the electric company?
He was shocked.
How do pigs write?
With a pigpen.
How does a boat show affection?
It hugs the shore.
How many animals did Moses take on the ark?
Moses didn't take anything on the ark. Noah did!
If a boy is spanked by his mother and his father, who hurts the most?
The boy.
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Posted: Nov 22, 2005 4:05am
Nov 22, 2005

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for     two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.   The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying the mother says, Who was the pig that did this to you?  I want to know!"  The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out  of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the  living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a town house, a beach front villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.  If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him............................

"Then you try again" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Posted: Nov 22, 2005 3:54am
Nov 17, 2005

:

Physiotherapist will now be a word I will never forget how to  spell ....

Physio was an intelligent boy.  After doing a physiotherapy  course broad for 3 years, he returned home and set up a clinic in his  hometown.  He asked a designer to make a new name plate to be  hung on the wall outside the clinic.

The next morning, when he went to his clinic, he was pleased to find that  the name plate was already put up.  But he was greatly annoyed by the wordings on the plate: TUKANG URUT.

He went to the designer and took him to task.  "How can you  insult my  profession? 'Tukang Urut' means masseur in Malay.  I am a  physiotherapist and not a masseur!  Make sure you change the  name right now!  And see that the word is spelt correctly!" Physio said  angrily.

The designer apologized and promised to make the changes immediately.  Without further delay, he proceeded to change the name but  found that the  word "physiotherapist" was too long.  So he broke it up into three words  to make it easier to read.

The next morning, Physio hit the roof when he saw the new name.

 
Written on the name plate ...   PHYSIO THE RAPIST

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Posted: Nov 17, 2005 3:31am
Nov 5, 2005

Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,  Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.   He sank like a stone to the bottom and stayed there.

Mary promptly jumped in to save him.  She swam to the bottom and pulled him 
out.   When t he medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell her the news, he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad
news.  The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to
jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses".

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in the bathroom
with the belt of his robe. I am so sorry, but he's dead".

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry".
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Posted: Nov 5, 2005 12:35pm
Oct 30, 2005
  

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, you had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy".

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year-old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" Thlittle boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered.   Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, "..... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm
not."

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake, the barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone else!!


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Posted: Oct 30, 2005 11:45am

 

 
 
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Ivy C.
, 1
Kuching, Malaysia
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