061203 05:17
A bite sized quote filled with love of/for wisdom is a feast for life or Eternity?
Love does little good for others if held in isolation, and for me metaphorically, love has been poured upon my head and received not at all. As child and adult I’ve been fascinated by reflections, and it followed, at least in my youth, that “Gazing Balls” decorating side yards intrigued and wondered me, the world mirrored in a sphere. They are largely long gone now, yet remain in miniature, elsewhere in non-participatory telling's telling you how, and what, and why, to think, or live, or love at all.
Lately, given the circumstances of war, poverty, pestilence, the absence of love, I was convicted of the greatest crimes against myself; I have never forgiven the child who took everything at face value when it was unnecessary. So it is no longer odd for me to listen to the complaints of others and hear their unhappiness and disquiet. For others I have endless patience, for myself, none.
The Author of life is a genius for several simple qualities of life; free will and making each of us unique. Few discover how precious is the gift of ourselves, to you or me, specifically and explicitly given.
The words: indifference, detachment, disconnect flash, across the moving screen of my attention and I know why the world is not well,  merely cacophony, hurling into the terminal station of all conceits.
We are all complicit in the termination of The Author’s Creation and knowing this I work, {read} write, to lend you some comfort for the terminal lunch to come.
Laughter at myself parody of The Last Supper over a topic lacking in mirth.
The Ship of State is filled with fools whose greed for what? Vanity? Aggrandizement? Celebrity? Is to God the parade of lemmings boarding a train for the showers at Buchenwald. Or perhaps worse an endless slavery to their agenda, ours ignored.
The Ark of the Covenant, old, new, filled with two by two is lost forever without record save in God’s patient attention. In these final moments, days, years perhaps, we will labor not for love but subsistence, the wealth of those who lead us here will be devalued dust.
We have the means to end everything; and the will to do so, in order to prove our ability to hate and destroy our “Enemy.” In the process we will destroy ourselves.
Mankind is dead and merely waiting for the final puff of dust to arise. I have no Apocalyptic scenario. No wiz bang TV show of shock and awe to entertain you with. Instead of covering you children’s eyes kill them in their sleep and spare them what is to come.
. . . How do I know these things? I’ve seen them in myself and daily in the mirror of eyes gone dead to love.

091203 06:11
Often I have wished never to have been born. The pain and humiliation was beyond endurance yet formed a person balanced to do battle with God. Obviously one cannot teach God anything, since God is perfect and always wins debates about values and meanings, since God created the mind that considers such things. Knowing us better than we know ourselves.
. . . I no longer wonder why I write. It is the only voice I have since I am a failure at photography surrounded by others better able to sing their adoration of life. Of course the tree falls dying, with, or without someone to witness it. Few appreciate their appreciation as audience of anything to the artist/creator of it. We being imperfectly human cease upon ‘truths” and then build monuments to their discovery. I know that God is not amused, maybe, perhaps, maybe not, laughing at us in our progression from trees to ground to destroying everything . . . The word Catholic comes to mind yet there is nothing catholic in “Catholic” at least on the face of it. But those who profoundly believe in, and experience, God, are in the trenches at war with ignorance, superstition, slavery, poverty, and death personally.
This little boy well remembers the horror of family members at war with one another the choice of one member to convert to Catholicism. The fact of having one tinny part of Native American blood in our lily white heritage, or the mistaken pride of having anything to do with Edgar Allen Poe. Add to that pride over being part of the Jesse James Family and Gang . . . somewhat ambivalent.
It seems now, at this late date in my unlived and unloved life, that the behaviors of authority speak louder than words. For me throughout life words have saved me since I adore them as given by God. I am common, ordinary, merely an animal composed of dedicated harmonious parts; sentient. I no longer wonder “Who Did That” or why, or why me, but merely say of course, thank you. Being, to myself, a smart donkey I now say, “Why not! Thank you!”
I’ve known frenzy to annotate the various messages, omens, portents, hand-writing upon walls. The dreams and manifestations of love unaccepted now adored, no longer wept for. “Today is a good day to die” confident of what lays beyond death . . . but for you my beloved {s} I weep for the agony to come. I long for the children to be well having lost mine, now adopting you in my old age. Would I be a parent as the Parent of all of us? I don’t know.
“Right to Life!” What “life” would I end in mercy, forestalling what is to come, the child I prayed for that I be taken in his/her stead? The true nature of love is terrible, and terrifying, yet remains love; and the name of God is Love.

091203 06:58
From time to time I simply stop everything and stand in freezing temperatures now dressed as I arose from slumber . . . I lie . . . I am compelled to hold my shelter by dressing more-or-less acceptably least my neighbors complain my eccentricities. Those whom I love and know as friends, parents, enemies, I’ve seen naked and making love to others from beginning to now. I know and love them more for being themselves in my presence a present cherished.
Several significant personalities recorded in history have argued the Right of Descent. I am no longer astonished that Saint Paul was one of them. Yet in America and elsewhere the rights of people are trampled and their lives lived in slavery to the agendas of those who presume to represent truths impossible for life. Love of any description is best described a patriotism to an ideal impractical. Freedom, it is true, is best. But at the expense of all other life? What we kill kills us.
My ‘life’ is comparable to that of a fruit fly, in eternity, but it is my life nonetheless. Your life should be equally blest since it is a gift worth more than all the value of this world can buy. If I am aware of anything special it is the tracks of life seen from time immemorial in nature, creatures noble or ignoble; the moments sing to me of a Love astonishing beyond comprehension apprehensible. If I so glibly kiss it goodbye I know what awaits as better . . . Gospel of John verse 6:66
I would weep but for me, for us?, there is so little time left. We will need no debate in wherever we will end. But of consciousness and conscience there will be much. Even that is a conceit measurable against the standards of addiction, compulsion, fetish, cult--constructs of excuse for living a life too brief to measure against the beginning and end of everything, of the universe.
I will digress for a moment or two: My error, or unconscious blessing, was to ask why? And then I began to sense that to know and love God we, or i, must grow large enough of heart to receive such a love as the love God gives to us freely. Both measured in all time and the brief time of our life, individual or collective. Small wonder I was inconvenient to my parents and their reprisals were terrifying. I well remember the place, time and posture of climbing stairs when I tearfully asked why my parents had allowed the destruction manifest in atomic bombs?
Oh well. Swell. Ask me what size shoes Michael Jackson wore and how much they will sell for. Fine.
i cling to the shoeless feet of a good Jewish Boy. My passion for The Passion tells me much since I will receive what I am told by God but not from You.
Have a ‘nice’ life such little as is left of it . . . and as the blinding flash, or subtle death of poison from alien substances infused renders you lifeless remember all those who fought and died that you live free of tyranny of any kind.
God Bless us One & All . . . please.

“A happy man is too satisfied with the present to dwell too much on the future.’ --Albert Einstein

091201 05:58
The rule of love is that you have it--now give it away
What is love? It begins with self acceptance, unconditional and no exceptions allowed. . . . .
“ 21:34
CoDA meeting just returned from. I have no authority to talk about the program of healing or the meeting itself. I have only myself as I was at the beginning of May when two peers made demands and definitions of me that I refused to accept. It was with sadness that I left them behind; and that sadness lingers for they are still in my prayers: Their Highest Good and God’s will for them . . . I no longer become savage, uncomfortable, nor glee filled and smirk when anyone tells me who I am. I am period. What I am to myself, and it is none of their affair.
I wept when a friend expressed her daily prayer for me explicitly and it still moves me months afterwards. Why? Because her prayers for me have been answered and the person I am has become able to see the gift, value and love in all the abuse I received as a child--and throughout my life until May. No revisionist history applies.
Within you is the presence of your better, or best self sleeping, awaiting your attention. It is your true Name; and that name may, or may not, be on your birth certificate. It is not your ‘Sir Name’ but the name given before your birth and will last you into eternity and beyond.
I am humiliated by my refusal to forgive myself for allowing the abuse to extend from birth until the age of 68. But the depths of my ‘humiliation’ merely describes my ability to be humble in the presence of the great I AM. Surprise. Surprise! The Great I AM allows me to play with being savage, vindictive and brutal in my fanatic reprisals . . . what I imagine for myself and others when, finally Fact-To-Face with God at the end of my ‘life.’
What I describe, in my life, by terms or definitions, is the best Friend I will ever have inside/outside my self. All the friends and beloved of me fall third in priority and should God say die, I will lay down dead but the same is true or my friends and beloved should God say ignore I detach.
I am merely and old man who in profound faith would do anything for God, yet I know God more forgiving than i, moreover more loving than i, possessing more grace than I can imagine in my wildest longing and thirst for Truth.
Let’s get real people. We are safe, saved and will be so now and forever if only we do no harm and be generous with our love. Love kills no one and no creature regardless of definitions: friend, family or stranger and enemy and that is my final word on Love for this date quivering upon the brink of whatever comes be strong, confident, true to yourself and be love and light in the darkness surrounding us and I ain’t talking the time between sunrise and moon rise but 24/7 365.
. . . I am not selling you what you already own. At first try random acts of kindness and you will be astonished! You are prayer in that you have died a million times before that those who persecuted you love themselves and to Hell with me. Remember that nice Jewish boy hung upon the cross to set you free of fear? He won’t come back until you are very clear about yourself and if you don’t believe, or receive that, then throw this, and me, in the trash.

091202 02:34
Sometimes I wonder if my journal keeping, published in my Blog on Care2.com, isn’t a very long an boring suicide note? Heaven knows I’ve trashed almost everything I wrote before ???? something like 2000 and I started long time ago. There is nothing for the year 2008; zero.
I met a writer at The Providence Journal, someone who I intuited was capable of collaborating with me regarding a number of stories I’d discovered in Rhode Island while working on illustrating others, reporter/writer’s assignments.
Two major issues I have avoided talking about. I was ‘raised’ by two women. One the mother of the other and both together, in retrospect, related to one another as more like siblings than mother daughter. And I was caught in the middle and left with one at the age of five and got stuck with the one who tried to destroy me for more-or-less eternity.
When I write the word ‘love’ I am oblivious to the abuse, misuse and simple trashing of the word historically. Love is, to me, holding you hand in the fire and not dying. It is a dog running into a burning house to save a baby. It is the love I felt yesterday for a dog burned to death. Seen in a photograph of her moments before her body failed her . . . she was set on fire by two young children. Problem. Huge difficulty. I loved the children as well as the dog and those who interceded. Metaphorically I am the dude/dudette who stares at the sun and laughs in joy while becoming blind.
I am not here to talk about me, or my ambitions, since I have none now.
I see God within everyone. Another largish problem, because I now ‘see’ sense, think, feel, intuit God in everything and every moment and that’s okay for me. But I wonder why you don’t experience God as real?
And I don’t care how I write or what I photograph because I need only please myself.
I even love George W. Bush and Dick Cheney . . . not because I “have to” but because I know them better than they know themselves. Neither they nor thee want to know that so I’ll move along.
Codependency is an issue somewhat like ingesting burning magnesium. It doesn’t drown in blood but continues to burn right through you.
When I read the words of others I assess the exigency {nice 33 cent word God gave me this morning when I powered up} . . . what they need, long for, how angry--or in love they are, where they want to go, or what they are willing to die for. . . . Maybe Nicole Kidman of “To Die For” fame.
Don’t know her, she is an actress, meaning she could put me on, tear me apart and I’ve no time for games anymore. And nobody, more-or-less younger than me, remembers Ava Gardner; the most feral of all women I have ever seen at any age. She is like my sense of God’s better half; woman.
Last night’s CoDA meeting just we three old soldiers wondering if we are next to fight terrorism; Old Soldiers never die. Always ready to answer the bulges call by Gabriel or President Barrack Obama. . . . got to stop, i’m crying now.

091202 03:31
I laugh at my expectation that anyone will ever read me, save for the Author of me, and All of Us. I have two friends older than myself who guide me at times of chaos. In AA terms they are my sponsors and I am fortunate in having them as friends; even when we differ on psychological issues regarding what I am about and why. I am the pigeon and the are the Hawks about to have me for lunch, breakfast and dinner and do it all over again and again. I know terror like the insertion of a Roto Rooter in my brain. . . .Through any entrance available. I know you do too. Yet my advise is to take it smiling, say thank you, and get on with being you as you were created to be: unique and precious . . . obviously by God as you are to BE.
The writer I loved and continue to love as I do all women but especially those I know beyond a passing glance. Oh well I’m a horny old goat with a conscience. She listened to me and made it possible for me to teach and then write a column on photography weekly. My son was dying, after his sister died in a human garbage dump and I cannot now remember where our daughter, the adopted one, came in that schedule of events. Mom had a story about a Stoic messenger carrying a fox to the King, the fox at the messenger’s abdomen while he ran and the messenger died once delivered of his message for the King. Never wondered about what happened to the fox? Until now conscious of FOX-TV and all the wolves being killed, along with all the children on both sides of our current conflicts, costing too many lives, too much money and yada dabba do.
That is why I am confident of what I advocate for you. You will be safe with God just ask. It may take awhile, you may have to do, as I do here, wander about wrestling with issues long dead and past, and terror for the future but God is Good, Life is Better, Day by Day.
I know the courage of my ‘enemy’ and the courage of my friends, but all the conflicts of man are family issues since we are all the Children of God. We just forget sometimes who we are Parented by. Mommy’s and Daddy’s always have, at some point, to pat you on the fanny and say goodbye. Love is meaningless unless you are confident enough of and with yourself to set it free . . .
. . . my humble conclusion and conviction regarding the gift of Free Will.
About my lover, the one never forgotten, and for whom I’ve never forgiven myself for abandoning when she became pregnant with Our child aborted . . . well kiddies I know what it is to make love long distance with your clothes on. She gave me much and I little to her save in my prayers and consciousness of US. & a Navajo belt buckle I still wear fully conscious of our love and am told as she implied it of value beyond measure since the Navajo’s know God better than we white boys with The Big One ever will. Some talismans and ‘myths’ will turn you inside out.

091202 04:06
Of and within myself I knew many things I refused to think about until it became to critical not to. I long for myself and you that my prophecy without profit will never become TRUE! We have the means, method and motivation to destroy the world “Righteously.” God & I will laugh since we know there is a place for us elsewhere . . . think of us as predator doves or pigeons if you will or must.
    >pause< the moon is full and Jupiter is obviously moving around and around and there are no passing cars from which to bite the hubcaps off . . . so sad, those Cast Aluminum wheels, you have to jack up the SUV to steal them. . . .
For a Soldier I am sure a slob, I keep Annie Fanny’s litter box better than myself or anything else screaming for my attention. While doing so I realized I like pussies of all kinds including the womb of God smiling at me as I took a break, a breather, a renewed perspective.
    poor Carol, both of them, I would have killed them with love and so left them long behind as I did Susan my forever bride and wife . . . I believe not in divorce. Odd both great lovers said something that I still molest in the rock polisher of my mind . . . and their parting words are still sharp after all these tumbles and years. Carol: ‘never change.’ Susan: ‘I want my husband.’ Oh dear God the agony of that and to still love as much and more now is pain beyond imagining at times save when I bark at and love the moon above in the womb of God . . . said “Physician heal thy self” and I must to be for you what I long for you to be for yourself.
    the 4th of July Bicentennial firework show over NY Harbor is nothing compared to the explosions in my head, ideas raining like the end of earth our home . . . you simply cannot kill a religion it only grows stronger. . . . I know Jesus and am working on the disciples now and their crucifixions . . . but what of the families they left behind? You and I have no meaning separately, God is okay with those who are addicted to ecstasy of either kind but them leaves them, me, us, to molest our idols and moves right along. Like I said Love is Kind, slow to anger and so on but St. Paul said it better.
I’ve read and loved but never read enough and so God makes me make it up the words of love to touch you. Poor Michael Jackson, the convulsion to own his relics, had he had that at this time I imagine he would give it all to St. Jude Hospital He loved children so. Never knew Him save for His savage passionate music and it is strange the combination of intuition, instinct and Hypervigilance to look behind at the savage terror of my life retroactively now in peace reconciled with meaning value and Love.
--Anais Nin
"He does not need opium. He has the gift of reverie"
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
I know her better for the ‘good parts’ i got off on until she killed me with what I just put here. Maybe, perhaps, maybe not i will meet her sometime in the future?
Had I eternity i would read everything written over and over again . . . aha go ahead and turn on the f*Xking TV ignore me please & of course yourself in the process
    I’ve toilets to clean, images to sort, broken elemental parts of my physical life to fuse or decline, exercise, what will  I eat and so on . . . i sleep and eat like a wolf when hungry or tired who the f**k cares about me I don’t . . . but about You I am oddly insanely passionate.

091202 04:51
‘just for kicks and giggles . . . ‘
before signing off
when you die you leave behind everything and face God with your soul naked and androgynous
doesn’t matter who you thought you were, or what you accumulated in life; that is history and your death; physics . . . God will ask you what you did with you genius for love, you talents, and why, what for, how often did you kill yourself and others . . . since God is always present inside and outside or you, me, all of us he/she doesn’t care for excuses oblivious of what someone else told you to do
    that’s how come Angles are androgynous like Michael Jackson here on earth for awhile a time we were blessed so much by Him. & Jesus waits patiently to be resurrected in you

091130 0508
“I am never afraid of what I know.”
--Anna Sewell (1820-1878)

More often than not I am ‘clubbed senseless’ by what I see in the quotes of others.

"If you want to reach a state of bliss, then go beyond your ego and the internal dialogue. Make a decision to relinquish the need to control, the need to be approved and the need to judge. Those are the three things the ego is doing all the time. It's very important to be aware of them every time they come up."
--Deepak Chopra

I am becoming more bold in my ongoing quest for meaning, value and, now, obviously the who we call God. I am not much of a “joiner” of people, places and things: definitely no Religion or Mystical Tradition. Where were They when I sought release from life through taking it at whatever age I first considered the alternative? Yet I need not beg you, nor warn you, of any hazard should you need healing, to seek God within yourself; the impress, thumbprint of Love.

As a person of a certain age I regress to infancy and back instantly in the Presence. Though Male & Female we two are balanced in harmony in my soul and that I long for all of you. I know who saved me from myself while allowing me to be taught to survive the horrors of war and love. To lose and win, and lose again and walk forward with courage to love in myself and all others--oblivious of God’s actuality. Apostate, yes! Desolate, Yes! Atheist, YES! I have boxed the compass of depravity sexual, greed, gluttony to say more would be inverse vanity. I am better able to describe my sins as fear, and Evil as waste, of my life than to write the name or all the names of God I’ve known & know now.

I adore Religion and wanted to be priest, holy man, guru, mendicant monk with a rice bowl, I’ve even considered what it would be like to The Holy Mother Virgin of God. . . .I am told by Buddhist not to worry be happy yada daba do, yet within my mind I am the Buddhist Monk burning himself to death in Vietnam. I knew the man who photographed the street execution there and we talked about his feelings of confusion regarding the attention and awards received and/or suggested by warring factions; here and abroad.

If I am assured of a better future after death and I want that for you as well. Having lost my children you are mine by adoption and I as you &lsquoarent’ what that RIGHT NOW!

No longer will I be a victim, or emotional cripple, or maladjusted mentally or socially at war no more with myself or anyone. . . .Should I leave you now, silent, fielded by Old Age, or savage brutality; know that I will always pray for you, yours and all creatures and Creation. Exactly as I do for the armadillo, the first and last I have ever seen, in Texas, road-kill three years ago.

From the time before counting the circuit of the Sun know that we are the Children of God. Let there be no more harm to anything, peace is the Way. In life we march to the same destination and become equal in death all by different paths.